AN: Thanks for the reviews so far. Here is the next chapter :) Flashbacks are in italics.
Chapter 8 – Keep Holding On
Sometimes life knocks you down. Sometimes it is so bad you feel like you may never get back up again. That is how Lucas and Peyton had felt for what seemed like an eternity. Ever since they lost their son they had been going through the motions, consumed with a pain so intense that they didn't even feel like they were living.
They were on the road to healing now; they had finally learned to lean on one another and to stop trying to face everything alone. The pain was still there of course. It would always be there in some form, there would always be that ache in their hearts, the thoughts of what could have been but they no longer let it eat away at them to such a major degree. The pain had been so much it had almost destroyed their marriage and their family; neither of them would let that happen again, there was too much to lose.
"I missed this" she whispered breaking the comfortable silence they had been immersed in for the last thirty minutes.
They were currently laid down on top of his bed, in his bedroom from high school. His arms were wrapped securely around her fragile frame as she drew imaginary circles over his steady beating heart.
"Me too" he softly replied while breathing in her scent, a smile forming his lips at the familiarity.
They had spent the afternoon just being with each other. Relishing in the feeling of being back together, opening up to each other about their fears and their pain. It was what they needed in order to move forward and after months of feeling closed off and bitter they had finally taken that crucial step and both opened up to the one that they loved with all their hearts.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me" he said regretfully.
"Its okay" she replied. Yes she had needed him but she understood the pain he was feeling. It's the sort of pain that completely takes over you, you don't think as much about others because the pain is so severe that it is all you can feel.
"No its not."
"Lucas" she said sitting up trying to object. She didn't want him to feel guilty; she didn't want him to feel lesser than he was.
"No Peyton I'm your husband and I should have been there. Don't try to make up excuses for me. I was wrong, I was selfish and I admit that."
"I did need you but you weren't selfish Lucas, you were in pain."
"So were you" he countered.
"Exactly so I know how you were feeling."
He nodded his head but the thoughts of him failing her and Anna still lingered in his mind.
"I just wished I handled things differently" he said after a few moments of silence.
"So do I" she replied sadly looking down.
"Hey" he said gently guiding her face to meet his. "It wasn't your fault. I know I said some hurtful things but none of them were true."
"Sometimes I just can't help thinking that if I wasn't so stressed none of this would've happened."
"You've got it all wrong sweetie" he said lovingly stroking her arm up and down before continuing. "When we were in the hospital I asked the doctor whether the stress caused the early labour and he assured me that while stress is never good that it didn't cause you to go into labour, it was the impact of the fall. I know I blamed it on you Peyton but I didn't mean it. The truth is I couldn't understand why it had happened to us and I needed someone to blame. I'm just sorry I took it out on you."
Tears were falling from her eyes at what he had said. Deep down she knew she wasn't to blame but a big part of her had felt responsible. Hearing Lucas say the opposite made her feel that much better.
Lucas raised his hand and wiped her tears away with the pad of his thumb. He hated to see her cry, he hated the thought of her in pain, she was everything to him and he would stop at nothing to make her happy.
"I love you" she whispered before crashing her lips to his in a passionate kiss symbolising the start of a new chapter in their lives, symbolising the forgiveness of all the pain they had caused each other and most of all symbolising the love and connection they had always and would always feel towards one another.
Once the kiss broke they both smiled at each other happy to have made such significant progress in their relationship.
"Come on" he said grabbing her hand and pulling her up from the bed.
"Where are we going?" she asked confused at his abruptness.
"Someplace we should have gone together a long time ago."
She wasn't entirely sure what he meant but she followed him nonetheless. They walked the streets of Tree Hill hand in hand feeling happier than they had felt in a long time.
It was a sunny day, not a single cloud in the sky. It was the perfect weather for picnics, for family outings and holidays. It was the perfect day for most but for Lucas and Peyton it was the complete opposite.
To them it should have been raining; the sky should have been grey and gloomy to reflect their feelings, even a violent storm seemed appropriate. The fact that the day was so bright and sunny made everything so much harder to comprehend.
Of course it was the funeral.
The day they said goodbye to their son and buried him. It was the day both of them had been dreading ever since the doctor told them their son had died. Neither of them wanted to accept it. Neither of them could understand how it was fair for a child so small and innocent to be taken from them. Neither of them could see a way forward from the darkness they were currently in.
It was a small ceremony. Only their closest family and friends were present. Deb looked after Jamie and Anna after it being decided that a funeral wasn't the place for children so young. Nathan, Haley, Brooke, Karen, Andy, Skillz and Mouth were all present. They stood in the second and third row behind the grieving parents. Lucas and Peyton held onto one another's hands as silent tears streamed down their cheeks.
The vicar spoke about life, about losing a loved one; about going on to a better place but neither Lucas or Peyton could take those words in. Their eyes were solely fixated on the small white coffin in front of them. It was so tiny, it just didn't seem right that a person so young, so small was about to be buried.
Moments later and the coffin was being lowered into the ground. That's when Peyton finally broke down. She hated the thought of her baby boy being put in the ground. It wasn't the place for a child, it was dark and scary and all Peyton wanted to do was cradle her boy in her arms and to keep him safe from danger. She fell to her knees and sobbed wanting nothing more than to stop it all. Lucas fell down beside her and they held onto one another as they uncontrollably cried together.
Their friend's and family cried too. It was unbearable to see two people they loved so greatly in such agonising pain.
It truly was a devastating day and it would never and could never be forgotten.
He pushed open the heavy iron gates and was about to walk in when he noticed that Peyton was frozen in her footsteps obviously nervous about where they were headed.
He gently took a hold of her hand and pulled her with him. "Its okay" he whispered.
"I just…I haven't been here in a long time" she replied.
"I know…neither have I but we owe it to him and to ourselves."
She nodded in response before hesitantly following him through the quiet grounds until they reached a small headstone. He kneeled down and traced the outline of their son's name with his fingertips. Peyton smiled sadly before sitting beside him.
William Keith Scott.
Beloved Son and Brother.
"Hi baby" Peyton whispered as the tears ran down her cheeks. She too placed her hand on the gravestone and closed her eyes trying to picture her son in her mind.
"We miss you" Lucas said after a few moments of silence.
Tears were running down his face too. It was the first time he had been here since the funeral. After the funeral everything had gotten too much for Lucas to handle, hence the alcohol and closing himself off from the people he loved. He regretted the way he dealt with things every day but he knew he couldn't go back and change it so he focused on the present time.
"Every single day" Peyton added placing a comforting hand on her husband's back.
"You shouldn't have been taken from us baby boy…but…but we know you're safe…in heaven with your grandmother's…and your grandfather" Lucas said referring to Peyton's two mothers and to Keith.
They remained seated in front of his grave for quite some time. Tears were shed, words were spoken and Lucas and Peyton grieved together for their loss. They said, "I love you" and "Goodbye" before getting up to leave. Peyton kissed two of her fingertips and placed them on top of the headstone before taking hold of Luke's hand and walking away.
It had definitely been hard. All those old wounds came rushing back, it felt like it had just happened yesterday but it was also needed. Lucas and Peyton needed that experience; they needed to be able to talk to their son, to visit him, let him know that he wasn't forgotten and that they would always love him. It was all a part of the grieving process and gaining the acceptance that he was really gone.
"I want you to move back home" she said breaking the silence.
They were back on the streets now walking hand in hand heading back to their home and she realised she hadn't actually asked him to return when she really should have.
"Really?" he asked his face lighting up. He had missed his family immensely and wanted nothing more than to have them back.
"Really" she replied squeezing his hand gently and leaning into his side. He placed a kiss to the side of her head as they made their way back home.
"Anna is going to be so excited, she's missed you…we both have" Peyton said as they entered the house.
"I've missed you both too. When is our princess coming home anyway?"
"I'll phone Haley now and ask her to bring her home."
They both made their way to the phone but before Peyton dialled she noticed the red flashing light informing her that she had a new message. She pressed the play button and heard Nathan's distraught voice.
"Peyton I've tried calling but there was no answer…its Anna…she's…she's in the hospital."
AN: Cliffhanger!! lol sorry about that but I'll try to get the next chapter up very soon. In the meantime your reviews would be greatly appreciated :)