Write it To
Letters and Hats theme, and it was a lot of fun to write.
Canon, please. :D
Disclaimed.
With it being so close to the holiday, the telephone lines are extremely busy in the Order, unfortunately. So, I feel the only proper way to express my annoyance at your existence is through post. You should thank Komui for giving me your location, especially. Oh, and many thanks to Timcanpy for being nice enough to deliver this letter to you! Be sure to give him a snack.
So, I heard you won't be back for Christmas.
Why?
-Allen Walker
Because this mission is more important than you.
-Kanda
Even my birthday? Because, regardless of our differences, I'd always celebrate your birthday.
Jerk. You didn't tip Timcanpy.
-Allen Walker
I care less about my birthday than I actually do for yours.
Brat. I don't tip golems. Stupid.
-Kanda
I sent you a hat.
Straight from Saint Nicholas, and with loves of platonic love. From Lavi, of course.
Here's to hoping you wear it!
-Allen Walker
Hey.
Kill yourself.
-Kanda
Well, where in the world is your holiday spirit?
It's the Christmas season. Now, maybe you aren't as Christian as the rest of us, but really. Take a break, drink some nonalcoholic beverage. (Alcohol is for chumps, didn't you know?)
I had also heard that Rome is very nice this time of year. True?
-Allen Walker
Yeah, well, it's nice until an Akuma chomps you in the ass.
That's not very nice, just so you know, bean sprout.
-Kanda
My name is Allen.
Here, let me sign the bottom of the card.
-Allen Walker
It's funny because I care more about drowning in an icy river.
(Why the fuck am I in Venice anyway?)
-Kanda
When did you get to Venice? Weren't you just in Rome?
Well, the date is about two days ago. You move fast, and I'm talking (well, writing) in the travel sense.
Seriously, what is in Venice?
-Allen Walker
Water.
-Kanda
Is that all?
I mean, there must be something more. Like, aren't there beautiful buildings and fantastic structures, not to mention the proximity to the Mediterranean, which is something impressive to note by itself.
Oh, right, are you wearing the hat? Lavi was wondering.
-Allen Walker
If I say there's water, then there's fckig water.
I burned the hat.
I was very warm.
-Kanda
You misspelled "fucking", you profane jerk.
Note to you: Last time I try to spend money on you.
-Allen Walker
I didn't want it anyway.
Who were you trying to impress?
-Kanda
--And the ink smudged, little brat.
Not you, prick.
Honestly, how does it feel to live so long without a brain or a heart?
-Allen Walker
How does it feel to hit puberty?
Oh, wait, you can't answer that yet. Sorry.
-Kanda
I hope you drown in the beautiful waters of Venice.
Really.
-Allen Walker
Its jst watrr.
I waht to drnwn.
I'm fukig tird of swiming.
-Knnda
Your ink is terribly smudged. And the paper is rather wet, even after being delivered.
Did you try to write that in the river or something like it?
-Allen Walker
Yes.
-Kanda
I could tell.
I'm still rather irked that you burned the hat.
Really, what was the point of that?
-Allen Walker
What's the point of your existence?
-Kanda
--Oh, and the mission's almost over. Found the Innocence. Why I am telling you, I don't even know.
To put a smile on your face.
(Hmm, now I sound oddly enough like Lavi.)
(I'm vaguely uncomfortable with that.)
And, congratulations on finding the Innocence. Where was it?
-Allen Walker
You're failing.
-Kanda
--It was underneath the water. I had to take off my shirt to get it.
I got your hat.
That was oddly sweet of you.
Has the water made you delusional?
-Allen Walker
Shut up.
Merry Early Christmas. Or something. I'm about to drown some more, because the oarsman ended up being a Level Two. Ironically.
-Kanda
Here's to hoping you actually die.
-Allen Walker
Still alive.
Fuck you.
-Kanda
Merry Christmas to you too.
Here, have another hat.
-Allen Walker
--Oh, and the festively in-style holiday hat you sent me matches my uniform. Many thanks!
Thanks for the heat.
-Kanda
Prick.
-Allen Walker
END
That was seriously a lot of fun. :D I really love this.
I did a little research (like usual) on mail before writing this. Usually, it took, like, weeks for it to get from the writer to the recipient, but I improvised using DGM's own golem technology. :D Thanks Timcanpy!