If Edward Were Gay…Chapter Two: In Which Bella Cackles Evilly…
Disclaimer – If I owned Twilight… The werewolves would star… Bella Swan would not exist… Or, perhaps, she'd simply grow a spine… Hm… And as long as I'm at it, Edward would gain a personality, and would not, in fact, be a 2D character whom the authoress is attempting to portray as the epitome of perfection… Still lovin' the ellipses… Also, no one would have the name Renesmeé. Ever. That's just cruel. And the love interest of the main character would not be her stalker… So, now that I've gotten most of my darling readers to hate me, on with the story!
Bella's POV
My mother is insane, Bella Swan realized. She should have figured it out years ago, really. There had been so many signs! It should have at least dawned on her when she found herself shoved out of a low-flying jet with a parachute strapped to her back and any information she may have gathered from the two-week guidance program rapidly draining from her panicking brain. She shuddered. Perhaps some part of her had always know, she mused, glaring at the offending… Thing… on her bed, lying innocently – Ha!- alongside the note that had arrived with it. Regardless, her mother's sanity – or lack thereof – could no longer be denied.
The distinctive sound a car chugging up the driveway reached her ears. Charlie's home, she thought absently. Suddenly, she came alert.
Charlie's home!
Bella sprang into action. Reluctantly, she grabbed the edge of the offending item, and, touching it as little as possible, shoved it deep into the far recesses of her closet, hopefully never to be seen again.
Hope, as it turned out… Well, sometimes it's just better to be pessimistic.
"I am a pessimist," Edward announced.
"… Okay?" Bella sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Dare I ask?"
"You may." The teen lapsed into silence for several moments. Upon recovering from a rather painful elbow in the ribs – "Bella!" – he elaborated, after a laughably pathetic attempt at a haughty sniff, "You may ask. I need not answer."
The responding glare she leveled at him could have reversed a group of stampeding rhino and most certainly had the desired effect of her friend abandoning his faux-aristocratic pretenses.
"See, as a pessimist, I'm either proven right, or… Pleasantly surprised!"
In the pause that ensued, one could faintly hear the incessant chirping of crickets. Bella moved to close the windows.
And then there was silence.
"… Moving along, then," Bella began awkwardly, "Er, how are things on the relationship front?" she asked, settling upon a topic she was certain would produce a steady stream of chatter from her companion.
"You know, 'relationship' is a bit of a misnomer, really," Edward spoke off-handedly. The girl beside him rolled her eyes.
"Fine, how's the latest fling?" It was absolutely no secret that Edward hadn't had a steady relationship since, well, ever. He said he was just waiting for the right person to come along. Bella thought he was just looking to get some.
"Broke it off 'bout two weeks ago," Edward replied, the only indicator of his thoughts his refusal to meet her eyes. Bella choked a bit on her coffee.
"What?! He got too clingy!" Edward continued defensively, hands up in the universal gesture for peace.
Brown eyes narrowed. Green eyes… Well, green eyes were hidden behind a pair of pale hands in an almost protective fashion.
"Edward, you can't keep ditching guys like this! It's… It's… You're using them!" She ignored the indignant sputter of 'For what?!' next to her. How should she know? He needed to answer that. Hurricane Bella raged on long past the point in time she became aware that Edward, unable to respond to her accusations coherently – due in no small part to the fact that she had the lung capacity of a hippo, and no desire to allow him to get a word in edgewise – had lost himself in his Own Little World™, one happily devoid of masquerading banshee who just didn't know when to drop a subject.
Nonetheless, it gave her no small pleasure to rant to Edward's – albeit unresponsive – face on the matter, which had been eating at her for some time.
Finally, she sighed. Might as well get him back now.
"So, Carlisle and I were thinking of the name Renesmeé, if it's a girl. It has a nice ring to it." Bella stopped to look at Edward, deciding to play nice and attempt to leave her friend's already questionable mental health hitherto intact. Edward, however, was still staring at her with glassy eyes. Well, she'd tried to cut him a break. Time to bring out the big guns, then.
"It would be Renée, obviously, after Mom, and Esme after, well, you know…" Bella paused again. One last chance, perhaps? However, one glance told her it was not to be. Too bad. It was with a great deal of effort she was able to refrain from rubbing her palms together gleefully as she delivered a final verbal bullet to Edward's sensibilities.
"We – that is, Carlisle and I – well, we really love her, and we want her to forgive us… Maybe even join us." Bella was rewarded by a rather disturbing – Or perhaps disturbed? – shade of green creeping into Edward's face. It was probably the only shade of the color that didn't compliment his eyes, she found herself thinking. She blinked and chose to ignore that thought, allowing her eyes to drift to her best friend's unmistakably nauseous visage as distraction.
Quite an adequate distraction, it seemed. The normally pale skin had first turned even more sallow then usually, and now seemed to be pushing the boundaries of the number of tones human flesh can take. In the time Bella had been watching, it had cycled through tomato red, the aforementioned green, an odd sort of grey, and a puce that made her wonder if her dear comrade was in danger of asphyxiation. And somewhere inside, she cackled evilly.
"Bella Swan," Edward croaked as soon as he was able to speak, "You are an evil, evil, being."
The internal cackling grew louder.
"Aren't I?"
A/N – The last part was completely unnecessary, but in my defense, it was just so much fun to write! Ahem. Er, my excuse it that it shows their dynamic. Yeah, that'll do. Alrighty, then. In this chapter, boys and girls, we learn that Bella is sadistic, Renée is still odd, Edward isn't the only one with sanity issues, and that you really should have clicked the back button while you could. Oh yeah, and Eddie-kin-poo had relationship issues and, according to Bella, pretty eyes. Even though she wouldn't admit it under torture. And thank you all so, so, so very much for your reviews and alerts! It is so great to log on and see that – the biggest ego boost I've gotten in a while! On a completely unrelated note, has anyone noticed how many Harry Potter/Edward Cullen slash stories there are? What the heck? Well, ta for now!