A/N: Back from the grave, at last! I'm like Tupac. Fo'shizzle.

So. Yeah. I'm sticking with the whole humor bit for now. It makes me giggle. Um, slight OOC warning, mostly on Jake's part. But, man, I love making him spastic and clueless in his head. The quiet ones generally are. Yeah, that's right, Ely, I'm on to you!

Disclaimer: Be SO thankful I don't own. Seriously. Seriously.

Daddy 101

Jake was panicking. He needed help, a lot of it, but he didn't know where to turn. His mom? Yes, his mom might do. But then she might tell Dad. Dad might slip it to his brothers. And then all hell would break loose.

No. Family couldn't be trusted in this matter. But he needed to figure something out soon, because said family was going to be home any minute.

And the damn thing would not shut up!

Jake paced his room, placing his hands over his ears in an unsuccessful attempt to block out the incessant wailing.

Wait! Jake stopped, and hope seemed restored. Sam. She could help with his… situation. Scooping up his bag and It, he ran out the door, barely snagging his keys off the rack on his way.

…………………………...

Sam stared. And rubbed her eyes. And maybe her mouth hung open a little. Maybe. But can you blame her? It's not everyday you see Jake Ely standing on your front porch in desperation.

Carrying a DIAPER BAG.

Holding a BABY.

Although, now that she looked properly, the baby seemed more a doll than a living, breathing infant. Considering Jake was dangling it by its ankle and all.

"Um. Hi, Jake," Sam managed over the incessant wailing that was emitting from the, er, 'baby'. He stood stoically, his face blank. Sam leaned against the door frame in confusion. "You have a baby," she pointed out, hoping he would offer an explanation. Come on, Ely, take a hint. His mask cracked as he shifted from foot to foot, and rubbed the back his neck with his baby-free hand.

"Yeah. It's a school project. For Home-Ec, ya' know?" He flushed a bit. Sam hid a grin behind her hand.

"And… you need help?" Jake gritted his teeth; he never liked to admit that he couldn't handle everything that came his way. But, come on, a baby? Who could have predicted that?

With an almost-imperceptible nod, he held out the doll to Sam, about as close to begging as an Ely would ever get. Propping the door open further, Sam waved him into the kitchen. Jake gratefully dropped the diaper bag (robin's egg blue with yellow rattles. Jake shuddered at the scandal of it all. Honestly. Rattles.) on the table and was uncertain what to do about It. Was he allowed to just chuck it on the table? Or was that some kind of plastic-child abuse?

Sam shook her head at his clueless expression. Taking the baby from him, she cradled it in her arms, rocking it gently. The baby's cries died down to a few pitiful whimpers before it began cooing.

"First of all, this is how you hold a baby. You do not hold it upside down. Do you want to traumatize the kid?" Jake huffed in annoyance.

"But it isn't even real."

"Do you want my help or not?" Sam asked threateningly. Jake held his hands up in surrender.

"Alright, alright. Give it here." The baby felt awkward in his hands, too light compared to the burdens he was used to. Any minute and he could drop it, or break it. Sam adjusted his grip a little, and the Jake felt a bit less destructive. She smiled at the picture he made, his large hands unusually gentle on the little thing.

"Okay," Jake said quietly. "What next?"

……………………………………...

Sam sat with her feet propped up on the table, leafing idly through the assignment packet.

"Did you know that nearly fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?" Jake merely grunted, fully engrossed in his poor attempts of diaper-changing. "Maybe that's why they have you guys doing this assignment without partners…" Sam mused. No response this time, though Jake seemed to be getting increasingly frustrated with the rebellious tape and tissue demon. Sam sighed and held out her hands. "Give it here."

Jake nearly threw the baby into her grasp, collapsing in his chair in defeat.

…………………………………………...

Sam shoved a freshly diapered-doll at Jake. He looked it over, amazed that the far-too-complicated demon spawn of a diaper fit neatly onto the baby's lower half.

"How on earth do you know this stuff?" he muttered to Sam in slight (complete) awe.

"Maternal instinct, I guess," Sam shrugged.

Jake thought about this for a moment. That's right. Sam will someday have kids too, he guessed. The idea was strange and foreign to him. He tried to imagine Sam with a baby of her own. His mind unwittingly wandered to the process of making that baby… Jake flinched, forcing his mind away from that thought.

He felt like pervert, and guiltily peeked at Sam from the corner of his eye. She was cooing to the doll as if it were a real baby. Her baby. BABY-MAKING!

Jake jumped off the couch, walking quickly into the kitchen, shrugging off Sam's concern.

This was going to be a long day…

…………………………………………...

"I think we should name her."

"Her?"

"Yes. Her." Jake looked at Sam in bewilderment as she bounced the baby on her knee in thought. How could she possibly know it's a girl?—

"Emma," she said with finality, effectively cutting off Jake's thought. She looked proudly at the little—girl?—in her arms. "Emma Ely." Sam smiled at Jake brilliantly, and he felt his stomach do a tiny little flip.

……………………………………………...

It was evening when the phone rang, interrupting the beginnings of Emma's first bath. Sam got up stiffly from the tiled floor, leaving Jake to fend for himself.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Sam?"

"Hey Dad."

"Your grandma and I can't leave Reno tonight, there's a storm blowin' through and it's stoppin' traffic somethin' awful. You going to be okay 'til morning? Brynna should be back from Washington 'round eight."

Sam nodded, then remembered he couldn't see.

"No problem, Dad. Jake's over here, though, I'm helping him out with the baby."

"Baby?"

Sam pulled the chord tight as it could go so she could just see the bathroom. She gasped.

"Sorry, Dad, I have to go. Jake! You don't hold the baby's head underneath the water to rinse it off!"

"Sam, wait—!"

The dial tone clicked on and Wyatt looked at the phone wide eyes.

…………………………………………...

"WA-AH! WA-AH! WA-AH!" Jake cracked open an eye, refusing to move from his slumped position on the couch. Sam curled up next to him with a pillow over her head, trying and failing to block out the noise. Jake groaned.

"Sam. Baby."

"Jake. Your project."

"I'll pay you."

"No you won't."

"…"

"…"

"…dammit."

……………………………………………...

Brynna bustled through the front door, lugging her suitcase to the stairs before dropping it and heading to the kitchen. Her feet ached, and she was relieved to be home and away from those stuffy, simpering politicians. All she wanted to do now was curl up on the couch with that book she just got in that little airport gift shop. Sam was probably still in bed; Brynna would let her sleep in for a while longer.

She hung her coat on the hook, shed her shoes, and walked into the family room, only to stop short at the strange sight before her.

Sam was definitely still asleep, though no where near her bed. Instead, her head was pillowed on Jake Ely's chest, curling up against the backrest as the boy laid diagonally, half-off the couch. His arm curled around her shoulder, while her arms clutched a little, plastic baby-doll.

Brynna smiled slightly, knowing her step-daughter would have an interesting tale for her later. But for now, she backed away quietly, letting them slumber on obliviously. She did not escape without proof however. She whipped out her camera phone and snapped a picture of the trio on the couch. The 'baby-sitting' adventure would be forever captured in Brynna's phone, as well as Sam and Jake's memories.

Now, whether Emma Ely would ever come into existence in flesh and blood, rather than her rubber and plastic original, is another story entirely…

A/N: Probably coulda' made it better, but hopefully I pried a few laughs out of you. I can't believe I didn't think of the whole baby-sitting thing earlier. It was a toss up between using fake-baby and Cody, but I then I realized I didn't want to scar the poor child for life.

And, PEOPLE, I need ideas. You guys don't have any missing moments for me? Review and lay 'em on me! Pweeeease?

That's about it, so, tah for now.