Chapter Four
Ben knows there's something wrong with him. He knows what he's doing is wrong. This urge to hunt, this urge to kill isn't normal, not even for someone with feline DNA. In his clearer moments he wants to stop. But he can't. It feels too good. It feels right to hunt, to be what they made him to be.
But as long as Alec stays with him, Ben has a reason to reign himself in. To try and be a better man than he knows himself to be.
Still, when Father Donnelly confesses one night that he believes in the Lady, believes in Her as much as Ben himself, something inside him seems to turn like a switch. He can't help what follows next; can hear Her calling to him, asking for strength and Ben follows Her bidding as he always does. And he's ashamed of himself because he likes the father, but he's also exhilarated because there's the hunt, there's the smell of fear, there's the feeling of accomplishment when bone snaps and heart stills and blood flows.
There's another stained pouch lying at Her feet the next morning, and when Alec asks if the father's not coming that day, Ben says he doesn't know. As much as the soldier, the killer in him enjoys the chase, the little boy in him knows that, if his brother ever finds out what he is doing, he could very well lose the one good thing that he has in his life.
He should have known that a secret like this can only stay hidden for so long. The Lady is not an easy taskmaster, and the gifts She gives must be earned and can easily be taken away.
A day later, Ben comes back from catching them dinner, a brown-specked hare in his white winter coat hanging limply from his hand, to find the old building empty. Nausea and foreboding settle in the pit of his stomach, making him dizzy and wanting to hurl when he spies the two pouches he has laid to the Lady's feet. They are in little crumpled heaps, their contents spilled over the altar and the floor beneath. A sharp scratching, breaking sound ricochets against the walls and hits his ears as he steps onto the scattered teeth.
"No."
His voice isn't more than a coarse whisper. Then he looks up at Her; at Her benevolent expression and unearthly beauty and he screams his anger and betrayal and fear, because Alec is supposed to be his!
The hare falls from his numb fingers, colliding with the floor with a dull, heavy thud. Ben is outside before the dead animal settles into lifelessness on the stony ground.
He has to find Alec.
That's the one lucid thought in his head. He has to find Alec! Alec was the Lady's gift to him, and he will not let him go!
He doesn't know how long it takes him to find his brother. Whenever he tries to think back, all he recalls are footsteps in the muddy ground and a sense of panic so deep it overrides any rational thought he may have had. But find his brother he does, just as the sun goes down.
Alec is sitting at the very top of an old water tower at the edge of town. It's merely coincidence and the fact that Ben's eyes are drawn to the high places no matter when or where he sees them that he notices his brother up there.
Although Alec doesn't give any indication that he notices his twin's approach, Ben has no doubt that Alec knows he's there. His brother may still struggle with the aftereffects of his illness, but he is also one of Manticore's soldiers.
The vague idea of overpowering him is forming in Ben's mind; of dragging Alec, kicking and screaming if need be, because he won't let go, he can't let go, and if Alec doesn't come willingly, if he wants to leave him...
"You know there's something wrong with you, right?"
Alec's voice cuts through his jumbled, ill-advised thoughts, calms him down and upsets him at the same time.
"They knew," his brother continues, still with his back to Ben, and he steps closer, drawn like a moth to the flame. Only Ben is the flame, and Alec will get burned if he doesn't find a way to walk away right now.
"Manticore knew that you've gone off the deep end. Made sure I wouldn't do the same. I was enough of a failure as it was, without adding mental instability."
The implication of that declaration hits Ben like a physical blow. He doesn't want to imagine what they put his brother through because of him, but the pictures come all the same, unbidden, in the stark relief of childhood memories best left buried. Long, empty white corridors; doors with small barred windows; disfigured faces snarling and screaming, groaning because they don't know how to talk; Jack lying on a stainless steel table, his head cut open and his guts lying bare.
Slowly sitting down next to Alec, he waits for what else his twin has to say.
Alec stays silent for a long time, but Ben is willing to wait him out now. His brother never looks at him, just watches the dying traces of the sun disappear behind the horizon, the feeble rays of its final stand swallowed by a shroud of storm clouds. When Alec finally talks, Ben has thought through a course of action for every possible scenario he can think of; just not the one he gets.
"If I choose to stay with you... Will you promise not to leave me?"
His brother still isn't looking at him.
"I never had any intention of letting you go."
That's nothing less than the truth. He won't let Alec go. Under no circumstances will he let Alec go.
"That's not an answer."
Alec has already chosen. The sudden conviction settles firmly into his mind like a well-fed cat into its favorite pillow, and Ben feels almost giddy with relief. Alec has already chosen.
"Promise me!"
Why his brother wants this specific answer to his question, Ben's not sure. He has no intention of letting Alec go, so not going to leave him is a foregone conclusion. Ben humors his twin nonetheless, meaning every word as he vows seriously, "I promise."
And now the other X5 turns to him, is watching him with eyes wide open and a vulnerability laid bare that Ben hasn't witnessed like this before. Something inside him echoes in recognition, like a chord struck with just the right amount of pressure. It's loneliness, Ben realizes; Alec is as lonely, as afraid of being alone as he is. They stay like that for what seems to be an eternity. When Alec finally looks away, Ben isn't afraid anymore.
That new, exciting feeling of warmth wraps around him again as his brother rests his head on Ben's shoulder. There's no hesitation this time when he tugs Alec closer, with his arm around bony shoulders and his chin resting on top of that mess of hair, and for the second time this week, he feels oddly content, reveling in the feeling itself and the knowledge that Alec is truly his now. Out of his own free choice.
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~ The End ~
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Author's ramblings:
I don't usually like writing in present tense, but it felt curiously right to do it this way this time. Also, I had half a mind letting Ben kill Alec in an effort to not lose him and then build a shrine around his bones. But as well as that would have fit with the story, I like my Alec broken, not dead.
Can I just add here how very very hard (and a bit disturbing) it was to try and write from Ben's pov? I'm still not entirely sure I succeeded.
On a side note, I have never been to Seattle nor Washington state (nor Washington, D.C. for that matter). I have no idea what the weather there is like. But there seems to be a consensus in all the DA fiction I've read that it gets its fair share of rain, even during winter, so there.
Also, I'm a more or less faithful follower of Criminal Minds and one of the profilers once explained that (and I paraphrase, because I don't recall the medical vocab) psychotics, as long as nothing disrupts their own little world, think and act coherently. Within their standards anyway.
And I know once serial killers start killing, they usually accelerate and not just cut back or stop entirely, but whatever. This is fanfiction. Live with it or spend the money and get a properly researched work.