Chapter Thirteen
The Daleks were seething after the last prank by the Doctor. They needed a way to get back at him once and for all. They formed a committee then put their domes together to try to come up with a way to get revenge on him. Everyone put forth ideas but none of them seemed right. For two days they debated and argued it over without reaching a definite solution.
Then on the last day while they argued together in an office boardroom the personal assistant Dalek of the Dalek chairman announced they had a visitor who felt he might have a solution to the problem. She introduced him as Rob the robotics expert. The chairman asked her to show him in and she went and got him. He came in a moment later and stopped in front of the table the Daleks were all clustered around. They stared at him. Glued onto the front of his armor just above his gun was a white pocket protector with several ballpoint pens in it and over his eyepiece was affixed a single eyeglass lens in a heavy black frame.
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SHOW US?" the chairman said.
"MY FELLOW DALEKS," he said in a nasally voice. "I AM A ROBOTICS EXPERT WHO DESIGNS NEW AND IMPROVED BATTLE ARMOR WHEN I'M NOT WATCHING STAR TREK. I HAVE HEARD THAT YOU ARE SEACHING FOR A WAY TO DESTORY THE DOC-TOR AND I BELIEVE I HAVE A SO-LU-TION."
He glided back out the door and returned a moment later. The Daleks stared at what was following him.
"THAT IS THE DOC-TOR'S FE-MALE!" the chairman yelled when Rose Tyler followed him in.
"NO, IT IS NOT. IT IS A ROBOTIC VERSION OF HER," Rob clarified.
The committee looked at each other.
"YOU HAVE CREATED A ROBOT FE-MALE?" one of the Daleks said.
"COR-RECT. THIS ROBOT IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. I HAVE SPENT TIME STUDYING THE FE-MALE'S MAN-NE-RISMS IN BE-TWEEN EPISODES OF STAR TREK AND I THINK THE DOC-TOR WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
The committee looked at each other.
"I VOTE WE TRY HIS IDEA!" one of the Daleks said.
"I DO TOO," another one said.
The chairman looked at them.
"ALL IN FAVOR RAISE YOUR PLUNGERS!"
Everyone raised their plungers.
"VERY WELL, WE WILL SEND THE FE-MALE ROBOT TO DESTROY THE DOC-TOR IMMEDIATELY!"
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The Doctor was relaxing on the jump seat reading a book while his feet were propped up on the rim of the console. It was another lazy day. Rose and Jack were both taking naps while the TARDIS was filling up at the rift.
The Doctor looked up when he heard a knock on the TARDIS door. Frowning, he walked over and opened the door a crack. His eyes bulged when he saw Rose standing outside the door. He opened it up.
"Rose? What are you doing outside? I thought you were in your bedroom," he said.
Rose walked inside and he closed the door.
"Very tricky of you, Tyler, seeing as how I've been sitting here the entire time," he said to her. "How did you do it?"
"I HAVE DONE NOTHING, DOC-TOR! I WAS OUTSIDE THE ENTIRE TIME!" she yelled at him in a Dalek voice.
The Doctor stared at her.
"Um, what's with the voice?"
"I DO NOT UNDER-STAND, DOC-TOR! MY VOICE IS NORMAL AND FULLY FUNCTIONAL. NOW WHERE IS THE EATING CHAMBER SO I MAY GET SUSTENANCE?"
The Doctor stared at her silently.
"You mean the kitchen?"
YES, I REQUIRE NOURISHMENT TO SURVIVE. WHERE IS THE EATING CHAMBER AT?"
"In the back same as always."
"THANK YOU, DOC-TOR. NOW IF YOU WILL EX-CUSE ME, I MUST HAVE NOURISHMENT!"
He stared at her while she walked past him to the back room.
"Okay, what's with the daft Dalek imitation?" he muttered as he followed her.
He frowned while he followed behind her. Rose was going in every single room except the kitchen. After going in the wrong rooms five times, she finally turned and faced him.
"I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHERE THE EATING CHAMBER IS LOCATED!" she yelled at him.
"It's down this way, Rose, remember?"
Rose paused a moment.
"OF COURSE I REMEMBER, I WAS HAVING YOU ON, HA, HA, HA!"
The Doctor sighed.
"Rose, the Dalek impression is wearing very thin, alright?"
"I DO NOT UNDER-STAND! I AM SPEAKING NORMALLY FOR A HUMAN EARTH FEMALE!"
The Doctor rolled his eyes.
"Follow me then, Rose the Dalek and I'll take you to the eating chamber for your sustenance," he muttered.
"EXCELLENT. TAKE ME THERE IMMEDIATELY. OBEY! OBEY! OBEY!"
Resisting the urge to stuff a handkerchief in her mouth and wrap duct tape around her head, the Doctor led her to the kitchen. A moment later, they reached it and the Doctor pointed to the interior.
"There, now go and get some sustenance," he said.
"THANK YOU, DOC-TOR; YOU WILL BE REWARDED FOR YOUR OBEDIENCE. IN THE MEANTIME I WILL EAT SINCE THAT IS WHAT HUMANS DO."
The Doctor watched while she went in the kitchen. He stared at her when she started opening and slamming cabinets and drawers without getting anything out of them.
"Rose? What are you doing?" he said annoyed.
"I AM HAVING SUSTENANCE!"
"Uh…no, you're making a racket is what you're doing," the Doctor said. "Jack is trying to sleep, so knock it off!"
"VERY WELL, I SHALL CEASE MOVE-MENT!"
The Doctor shook his head when Rose stopped in the middle of the kitchen and stood there.
"Rose, for the last time, stop pretending to be a Dalek, alright? It wore thin after two minutes."
"I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE COMMAND, DOC-TOR!"
The Doctor threw up his hands.
"Fine, whatever, be a Dalek. I'm gonna go back to reading my book," he said angrily.
He stomped down the hall muttering under his breath.
"I swear, sometimes Rose can be such a pain in the ass!" he said to himself.
"I'm a what?"
He paused and turned to see Rose coming out of her bedroom behind him.
"What have I done that makes you think I'm a pain in the ass?" Rose said, folding her arms over her chest. "Especially since I've just woken up and haven't done anything to ya."
The Doctor stared at her, perplexed.
"You're in the kitchen," he said.
Rose was taken aback.
"Uh, no I'm not if you noticed," she said.
"Well, were you in the kitchen a few minutes ago?"
"No, I just woke up. Why do you think I'm in the kitchen?"
"I AM DONE PROCURING NOURISHMENT FOR MY HUMAN BODY!"
Both of them were floored when Rose walked down the corridor towards them. The Doctor stared at the Rose walking up to him and stared at the Rose in the doorway and back again.
"What the hell?" he muttered.
The Rose in the hallway stopped in front of him.
"NOW THAT I HAVE NOURISHMENT IN MY BODY. IT IS TIME FOR US TO PROCREATE AND MAKE SOME DESCENDENTS!"
"Excuse me?" Rose said, glaring at her.
"I'm sorry, you wanna do what?" the Doctor said.
"WE MUST PROCREATE AND MAKE DESCENDENTS. WE SHALL RETIRE TO THE SLEEP CHAMBER WHERE WE WILL ENGAGE IN HUMAN INTERCOURSE IN ORDER TO MAKE FETUSES THAT WILL GROW INTO DESCENDENTS."
"Riiight," the Doctor said, reaching into his jacket pocket for his sonic screwdriver.
He walked around her, held the screwdriver to her neck and turned it on. Both of them backed up when the Rosebot began to fizzle and pop and smoke while it went haywire.
"I MUST GO TO THE EATING CHAMBER AND PROCREATE SOME NOURISHMENT SO I CAN EAT FETUSES!" it said as its programming went berserk.
They both backed up when the Rosebot began to spin around and flail its arms in the air.
"I WILL EAT THE DOC-TOR SO HE CAN PROCREATE SOME SUSTENENCE FOR THE SLEEP CHAMBER!" she yelled. "I AM A CHAV, I AM A CHAV, I AM A chaaaaaaaaa…"
The Rosebot trailed off and finally crashed to the floor in a lifeless heap. Jack finally flung open his door and looked out.
"What the hell are you doing, Doctor? What's with all the screaming about procreating fetuses?"
He noticed the remains of the Rosebot and stepped outside.
"What is that?" he said pointing to it.
"I have a feeling our Dalek friends were trying to get back at us," the Doctor said.
"See! I told ya! I told ya the day of reckoning would come!" Rose said to him. "You two couldn't leave well enough alone and now they're starting to counterattack!"
The Doctor bent down and examined the remains.
"Fiendishly clever," he said.
He grinned and looked up at Jack.
"But we can do better, can't we, Harkness?"
He smiled back.
"Indeed we can. They wanna take it up a notch we'll certainly oblige them."
"That we will. Now come on and help me get this to the lab so I can examine it. We will build ourselves a better mousetrap, my friend."
Rose stared at them in stunned silence when they picked it up and carried it away discussing what they were going to do to the Daleks next. Throwing her arms up in exasperation she decided to forgo breakfast, lunch, supper and the whole day and just stay in her room where she wouldn't have to put up with the two immature babies any more.