Chapter Eleven

"First Day on a Brand New Planet"

Gas stations. Oh My God.

Day One: Hot Stuff is a bitch. Seriously. This was the first job that I got paid by an hourly wage and a very small one at that. And I spent it making pizzas. Lots of them. Sixty to go in the little cooler, waiting to be cooked and put out. Ten big ones and enough bread sticks, chicken burgers, jalapeño poppers, popcorn chicken and various other Hot Stuff things to feed the world.

I worked with a blond haired girl named Vicki. She was young, younger than me by at least two years. She had that bubblegum affect, real air headed and spent her days reading Cosmo and Seventeen. I could have cried.

But this was the new me; the one who struck out, got a job, got a place of her own, far, far away from Kentucky. This was the me that stuck her wedding ring in a pocket in her purse and never showed it to anyone but took it out everyday just to look at it. Just to remember.

My parents sent me my furniture. The asked to come and see me, to make sure that I was okay but I told them no. I told them that I would let them come when I was settled in and I heard my mother's shaky breath as she said okay, that was fine. But I knew what she was thinking. Look at what he's done to you.

It turned out that Aiden was a regular customer at Cenex. He came in in the mornings to get coffee and the newspaper. The first morning I saw him first and tried to hide a little, staying more towards the back and hoping he wouldn't recognize me. But he saw me, easily, in my navy blue Cenex shirt and my dark hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. "Ashleigh?" He said, taking a sip of his coffee as he walked over. "I didn't know you worked here."

"Um, yeah." I said, trying to smile but I was really just embarrassed. "Just started, actually. Just trying to get acquainted with the area. You know how it is."

"Yeah," He said slowly, never taking his eyes off of me. "I certainly do."

We stood there for about another thirty seconds before Vicki said, "Um, sir, are you going to pay?"

"Oh yeah," He said. "Sorry." I watched him pull a five out of his wallet and hand it to her before going back to making pizzas; breakfast pizzas this time. "I'll see you around, Ashleigh." I heard him say and I turned to smile at him but he was already gone.

There's an art to making pizzas. I was learning this fairly quickly. You had to make sure you pressed the dough just right so that it was soft and willing to work with you. It seemed like I spent hours docking the dough and spreading the sauce, making sure I didn't put on too much. I'd add the cheese and the pepperoni and I'd sprinkle on onions or green peppers or mushrooms or whatever it was that they wanted. I'd get lost in this. I'd focus so hard on this, even as I was hating it, just so that I wouldn't remember my old life. Just so I wouldn't think of early morning work outs, my breath coming out in quick gasps as I balanced myself over the horse's shoulders. Just so I wouldn't remember Sammy's laugh or Charlie's blue eyes. Just so I would never think of Brad.

If I kept busy enough, I could usually block out those thoughts. I went to bed early and slept as late as I could. I made sure that I had to rush to get ready for work. I stayed later than I had to and then I'd shop for a few things for dinner. I'd make dinner and make sure my house was spotless. And at night I walked.

The beach was long and I never figured out how far it went but every night, after all of my cleaning was done and when I couldn't sit in that silent, empty house another minute I grabbed shorts and a t-shirt, put aside the shoes and walked along the ocean.

It was on one of these nights that I first felt my baby kick. It was getting late, somewhere around ten and I was just realizing that I should be heading back soon. I must have walked two miles in just that night. I wasn't really tired as I walked slowly down the beach, watching as the moon fell across the water. And then there it was. A little kick, a prick of life that made me stop and press my fingers to it.

I closed my eyes as I stood there, waiting for it to come again. I was five months pregnant, twenty-one weeks along. My baby pressed it's feet against my stomach and kicked and kicked and kicked. And I just sat there, feeling it, feeling for once that I wasn't alone. For once I had something to hold on to, something to look forward to.

But that's when I missed him. Brad, that is. That's when I wished he was there. And I wondered where he was, who he was with, who he was loving tonight. I wondered if it was me. If somehow, it could still be me.

*

It was early on a Saturday morning when Aiden pounded on my door, waking me from my deep sleep. I came to the door a little grumpy and when I saw him standing there with a smile on his face I just stared at him. "Oh, I didn't wake you did I?" He asked and stopped smiling. His face was concerned and it made me laugh a little.

"Want coffee?" I asked him as I opened the door a little bit further to let him in.

"Love some." He said and paused to look around. "Wow, I really like what you've done with the place. It never looked this good when I had it."

With my newfound lifestyle, I was finding I had lots of time for things such as decorating. I was also finding that outside of horses, I'd never had any sort of life. At night, there was nothing, except walking, to occupy my mind. I spent all of my time cleaning, the beach, rearranging, or reading What To Expect When Your Expecting. Now that was exciting.

"Thanks," I said, grabbing a mug from the cupboard. "I've had a lot of time on my hands lately."

"What made you decide on Carly?"

"I couldn't go any further." I poured the steaming coffee into the mug. "Cream or sugar?"

"Neither." He said, taking the coffee for me. "Aren't you having any?"

"Caffeine is bad for the baby. I'll stick with tea." I put on some water to boil and then crossed my arms across my chest to study him.

"What do you mean by 'you couldn't go any further'?" He asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I literally couldn't go any further. Unless I wanted to find a ship and sail across the ocean."

He chuckled. "Some days that doesn't sound half bad."

"Make that most days." I said and grabbed the tea just to keep myself busy. "Are you doing house inspections or something? Is that why you're here?"

"God, no." He said and laughed. "I actually came to see if you wanted to come sailing with me. Maybe get a bite to eat or something first. Unless you wanted to cook." He said, a twinkle developing in his aqua-blue eyes. They were different then Brad's dark, brooding ones.

"I don't cook." I said gravely.

"As in you can't?"

"As in if it doesn't come in a box with very simple instructions, I can't do it. And even then it's risky." I heard my kettle whistle and turned off the burner, pouring the water in a mug and adding the tea bag.

"Take a cooking class with me." He said and this was the moment that I knew Aiden Stahl was, in fact, crazy. When he saw my expression he set his coffee cup down. "Come on. They're offering one up at the Senior Center. I think it's on Thursdays. Monday is pottery, Tuesday is writing, Wednesday is photography, and Thursday is cooking."

"What's Friday?" I asked, glancing at him.

He blinked. "There isn't a glass on Friday. It's Friday."

"Mmm," I said, biting back a small smile. "I still say no."

"Think about it?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Maybe, if you'll shut up."

"I promise. I will not only shut up but I will take you to breakfast and out sailing."

Damn, he was persistent, I thought. "I don't want breakfast and as I am five months pregnant and still very likely to get sick, I don't want sailing either. Do you understand what the word 'no' means?"

He laughed again, smiling at me. "Do you ever do anything?" He asked me.

"No." I answered.

*

Aiden ended up stopping by daily. For awhile it was just "checking up on how the guys were doing on painting the house" since I kept refusing him for dates. Then he started bringing over cook books and one entitled Cooking For Dummies. In them, he had starred recipes that he liked best. He'd drop reminders of that cooking class until one night he just came out and asked me. "Why won't you go out with me?"

I'd been wiping off the counters and I just froze. "Because I'm married."

I heard his sharp intake of breath and it didn't really surprise me. I'd known all along what his intentions were with me and that was exactly why I hadn't agreed to anything with him. "Where," he cleared his throat. "is your husband?"

I turned to face him, placing one hand on my swelling stomach, feeling a light little kick. I was six months pregnant. I hadn't talked to Brad in just under three months. I was sure that if he knew where to find me, he would have sent me the divorce papers by now. So maybe that's why I stayed hidden, locked away, so I could still pretend that there was still the chance that we would work things out. "In Kentucky."

He waited for me to continue. Somehow he knew that I would, even when I wasn't so sure.

"There was an accident and it changed everything about me. It made me question everything that I was, who I am, so I ran away. He gave me an ultimatum and I couldn't handle it so I left. I'm six months pregnant and I haven't talked to my husband in three months. But that doesn't mean that I'm not married and that doesn't mean that I can start something with you. Even if I could, I wouldn't be ready. I'm not at a very good place right now."

I don't know what he would have said, I never found out because it was then that it was my cell phone rang. "Hello?" I said, grateful for the distraction.

"Ashleigh?" The voice on the other line was out of breath and heartbreakingly sad. "It's Sammy."

"Sammy?" I said and felt like a ton of bricks hit me.

"You have to come home. It's Charlie."

*