Chapter Twelve

"The Runaway Found"

Whenever I thought of Charlie, I remembered him the way that he was on the day of my first race. I'd been a nervous wreck all day but trying to act like I wasn't. I kept trying to take deep breaths to calm myself and every time I looked at Charlie he was staring at me with those blue eyes of his. I tried to read his expression but I never could. I'd look at him and say, "What?" and he'd just shake his head and walk away and I was seriously convinced that he didn't think I could do it. That he thought I was going to go out there and fail because I wasn't meant to be a jockey.

But when I asked him about it, he looked me in the eye and said, "I'm just thinking about how great your going to be. Take in every moment out there like it's your last because there will come a day when you won't have it anymore and you'll want all of it back." he took a deep breath and took off his gray cap, ran his fingers through his hair before putting it back on his head. "You've got a great future ahead of you, kid. Don't let nothing stand in the way of it."

I remember standing there, with tears in my eyes, watching him walk away. Charlie was the reason that I was able to go out there that day and have confidence in myself. And then the day that Wonder and I won the Breeders Cup Classic, the way that he was staring up at me as we rode into the Winners Circle. I love that old man. That was all that I could think as I walked in that hospital room, staring at his motionless body. "Charlie," I whispered, tears filling my eyes.

I was surprised when he answered me, turning those blue eyes on me. But they were tired now, old. "Hey, Missy." He said and for a second I thought I saw tears in his eyes but he blinked and they were gone. "Finally come home?"

"For now." I said, easing myself into the chair by his bed. "Couldn't stay away too much longer." I wanted to reach for his hand but I knew what he would do. Shake me off and tell me to quit babying him, that he was fine.

"Don't tell me you came all this way for me because I'm fine. My heart's just givin me a little bit of trouble but we're getting all of that straightened out." he wiggled in the bed, winced, but he kept on going till he was sitting up further. I resisted the urge to reach for him, soothe him, because it would only aggravate him.

"Charlie, you scared the hell out of all of us. I couldn't not come home." I could feel the tears pressing hot against my eye lids, threatening me.

"You damn women, worrying all the time. Sammy and Jilly have been like two mother hens, coming in here all the top, fixin my sheets and movin my water glass closer to me like I can't reach for it myself." His face was getting all red but I could tell that he had to really work at it. He loved all the fuss that was being put over him, he'd be insulted if it didn't happen.

Nothing was said for a minute and then Charlie said, "So, what the hell you doin out there anyway?"

"In Carly?" I asked, standing up and walking towards the window, staring at the busy traffic below. I wondered where Brad was and then hating myself for it.

"Is that where you been?" He was wiggling in bed again and I turned to look at him.

"Yeah, Virginia is beautiful, you know."

"So's Kentucky."

I sighed. "What? Is this what everyone is going to say to me? Charlie, I can't do this anymore. I can't go out there anymore and risk losing them again. I can't go and fall in love and mess up so that they die. I loved Pride, I loved all of them and look what I have to show for it!"

"You have Wonder, you have all the rest of her babies. You have Fleet Goddess and her babies. You have Samantha and Jilly and all of the people that racing gave you. Ashleigh, you gained just as much as you lost."

"Samantha won't speak to me, Charlie. She hates me. Everyone here thinks I'm a coward for running away like I did."

"Because you are!" Charlie bellowed out and I watched as he paused for a second to collect himself. "Damn it, Ashleigh. When was the last time you even tried with Sammy? When was the last time you called your parents or Jilly or hell, when was the last time you called me? Your leavin hurt everyone every bit as much as losing Pride did and more. You think that your blowing out of here was good for us? You think that we didn't wish you were back?"

"Charlie."

"No, goddamn it, listen to me you spoiled little brat. I have watched you over the years and I've been so proud of you. Even when you married that Townsend kid because you were following your heart. You were facing up to what you wanted and damn it, you were fighting for it. You fought for Wonder and you fought for all of those horses and most of the time you won. You can't win them all, Ashleigh. But the day that you left I was pissed at you and more than that, I was disappointed in you. I never thought that that could happen."

"I just couldn't face everyone, Charlie. Brad told me that if I walk away from the horses then I might as well walk away all together so I did. I came back because I wanted to make it work with him and I saw him with Lavinia and," I paused, fighting the images of them in my head. "I couldn't take it so I took off again."

Charlie shook his head. "Just go talk to him, will you? Your carrying his baby inside of you. You can't keep running. Your never going to get anywhere."

*

Wonder was in the far pasture, the one that I had walked her to a thousand times before, before I ran away from her. It startled me to think of it that way but in reality that's what I'd done. I saw her now as when I'd seen her the first time I'd met her. She was a tiny, helpless filly who was weak and no one else believed in. But I believed in her. And she started to rely on me to be there for her. I wondered what she'd thought when all of a sudden, I'd stopped coming. If she looked for me and what her reaction would be when she looked up and saw me standing there, six months pregnant, broken, and looking for something to believe in.

Was it any wonder that I'd ended up here? Standing in front of yet another horse, the one that I loved more than all of the others, asking her to fix me? It was just like me.

Mr. Wonderful had already been weaned and Wonder was already pregnant with her next baby. There were a few others in the pasture and they looked up when they heard me coming but went back to grazing but not Wonder. She tossed her gorgeous, glittering mane, let out a whinny and trotted towards me. I felt tears spring to my eyes and I suddenly was over come by the loneliness that a life without horses had brought me. I missed them. I missed working with them and taking care of them and spending time with them. I missed wrapping my arms around them, breathing in their scent, and loosing myself in them.

"Hey, girl." I called out when she stopped in front of me. I slipped the bridal in my hand over her face and she accepted the bit willingly. I hadn't brought a saddle, I wouldn't need one. Wonder, I was sure, would be the perfect lady. My perfect partner in getting back up on a horse again. I trusted her.

I opened the gate and felt her excitement because she knew what was coming. Her friend Ashleigh was back, the girl that showered her with endless love and attention, the one who went away for awhile but came back. The one who always came back.

I used the fence to help me climb aboard. It took me a second to find my balance, especially with the newfound weight that the baby was bringing me. My center of gravity had totally changed. Wonder waited for the go-ahead and when I gave it to her she started off at a steady walk, tossing her head and her mane glittering. I'd forgotten how breathtakingly beautiful she was. How much I adored her. How much I missed this.

I don't know how long we rode but it had to have been for awhile because by the time we arrived back at the farm the sky was starting it's descent to pink. The late August night was warm and I enjoyed it's breeze on my face as I rode into the stable yard. I leaned forward and felt Wonder's neck, still finding her cool. I slipped off her back and returned her to her stall.

"I'll get you your dinner, girl." I said as I opened her stall door.

"Where's she been?"

It wasn't the voice that I was expecting, certainly not here dressed in a dirty pair of jeans and an old shirt. He hadn't shaved in a few days and his eyes were red, his hair uncombed as he looked up and rest those brooding blue eyes on me. "I took her for a ride." I stammered and Wonder halted beside me, her head just inches from my shoulder.

"You did?" He said and I couldn't read the expression in his eyes. If he was pissed or pleased by my showing up here.

"Um, yeah." I said as he walked out of Wonder's stall so that we could get in. I took off her bridal, saw that he'd already fed her, gave her one last kiss on the nose before shutting her stall door.

"You came back because of Charlie?" He asked, shoving his hands in his pockets and studying me. I wasn't used to this Brad, the one who wasn't all fire and ice, but the one who was quiet and who listened. Who didn't say whatever was on his mind right then.

When I said yes, I was certain that I saw disappointment in his eyes but he was still Brad Townsend and managed to cover it up with his perfection. "I went to see him this morning. He seemed fine.. Still Charlie." I tried to smile but the muscles in my face felt all tight and funny and the only thing that my face would work for was staring at him. I felt frozen, petrified, and all at once it hit me how much I missed him. I realized how much I missed being his wife and laying in bed beside him, watching him breathe. I missed fighting to get one of those smiles out of him and when I did everything just seemed worth it. I even missed our stupid arguments and I especially missed the fire in which we loved each other.

"How long are you here?" He asked, clearing his throat.

"I don't know. A couple of days, maybe? I kind of just ditched out on work and they'll want me back soon."

"Work?" He asked, tilting his head slightly. He seemed just as off balance as I did.

"Gas station." I said and immediately felt embarrassed.

"Like what do you do?"

Thank you, honey. I wanted to say. Just add to my mortification. "I make pizzas."

At that he laughed but it was genuine, not cruel or calculating. "They let you cook?" I saw him raise his arm, like he had a hundred other times when he wanted me to slip under it, to be close to him, but it fell down again and he looked at me with serious blue eyes. "Come to the office with me." He said and I nodded.

When we got there, he closed the door and I had a flash of the first few weeks we'd been married how many times we snuck in here to steal kisses or even going as far as to have sex right on that couch in the middle of the day. We'd lock the door and stay in here for as long as we could. I noticed that he locked the door now.

He went into one of the file cabinets and grabbed a stack of papers and I felt my heart clutch in my chest and then break when I saw the word divorce typed in bold letters at the top. I was gripping the chair in front of me so tight that my fingers were turning white.

"I knew where you were." he said quietly. "I came to Carly with every intention of dragging you back to Kentucky and forcing you to work through your problems. Charlie told me not to go. He said that you'd come back when you were good and ready and that I shouldn't mess with you until then. He said that you loved me and you'd never stay away from me." Until now Brad had been staring at those divorce papers intently but he looked up and his eyes were glistening with what I knew were tears. He let me see them. He showed me his raw, broken heart and I showed him mine.

"I got there and I was tired and irritated but I was excited to see you, too. Because I missed you, you know. I missed you," he said again with emphasis and a tear slid down his cheek. He fingers were digging into the papers, crinkling them. "I showed a couple people your picture and they told me where you were at. I pulled up in front of the house and my heart was racing in my chest." He leaned back in his chair and stare at the ceiling for moment and looked as if he were remembering something very painful. He ran his fingers across his face, through his hair, and sat up again but those tears were still in his eyes. "I even went so far as to walk up those stairs and I looked in your window and I saw you there…with another man. You guys were laughing about something. I had to have stood there for like ten minutes, just watching you. You guys never touched or kissed or anything although I could tell he wanted to. You weren't wearing your ring," I looked down at his hand and saw the gold band was still there. "and all I could think was that you just escaped into this new life with our baby and I was so stupid for coming down here because you didn't love me anymore."

"But I came here before I even went to Carly. There was a party over at Henderson's place and I went there and I was going to tell you everything and ask you if I could come back home. But you were with Lavinia and it looked like the two of you were together. That's when I went to Carly."

"Lavinia and I weren't ever together. She asked me to go with her that night as her date just to make her look good and I agreed. We haven't even seen each other since." He stood up and ran his fingers through his hair and shoved his hands in the pockets of his dirty jeans. "Damn it, Ashleigh. What does any of this matter anymore? Your going back. Your going back to him and your going to live your life there and I'm not apart of any of it."

I rested my hands on my pregnant belly and all of a sudden the baby was kicking furiously inside of me. I just sat there for a second, feeling it kick and then I knew what I had to do. "I missed you, Brad." I looked into his eyes when I said this, my hands still resting on his child inside of me. "I thought about you every damn day. I went to sleep every single night wishing that you were beside me. There was never anyone else. You were right. Aiden wanted to be that guy for me but that guy has been you for quite some time now."

"Ashleigh." Brad said and his voice only brought more tears to my eyes.

"You can sign those divorce papers, Brad. You can give up on us but I won't give up on us. I won't ever sign those papers. When you kissed me that night at Caro's wedding, you started something and I'm not ready to finish it." I reached in my pocket for my rings and I held them up to him. "I'm sorry that I didn't wear my ring. I was hurting and I did want to put everything behind me. But that doesn't mean that I didn't look at it every day and wish that things were different. I love you, Brad and that will never, ever change."

"I'm sorry, Ash." He said and now he was really crying.

"What?"

"But the only way your ever going back to Carly is with me and that's only to get your stuff. I'm not ever going to let you leave me again."

"Good." I said but I barely even got that word out before he crashed into me and covered my lips with his.