Shuichi's fingers were shaking as his hit the button on the buzzer just like they had been the first time he'd come here.
"Yes?" said a cold, calm voice.
At the sound of Yuki's voice Shuichi's die.
"Hello?" asked Yuki, clearly annoyed.
"It's me," he whispered.
"Shuichi?" asked Yuki totally thrown off.
"Yeah."
"Come to give me hell about Hiro?" he asked bluntly.
"Not exactly."
"Well, I hope you at least have an explanation for this, damn brat," the writer said in a voice that was alarmingly like a snarl.
Shuichi felt his heart leap at the sound of his "pet name" and he turned to run through the doors that were sliding open. He ran up the stairs as fast as he could and burst through the unlocked apartment door.
Yuki was standing in much the same place he had been the last time Shuichi had burst through those door but his body was slightly tense and there was death glinting in his eyes.
There were still signs of a minor struggle in the room: scattered papers, pillows from the sofa on the floor, an upturned side table.
"Well?" asked Yuki without moving.
Shuichi opened his mouth not knowing what to say, but what came out wasn't exactly what he'd hoped for.
"What the hell is your problem?" Shuichi shouted at Yuki as anger flared inside him. "He didn't do anything to you! It's me should be angry at! If you still give a damn about me that is!"
"So this is your fault?" demanded Yuki coolly.
"Whose fault do you think it is?" Shuichi yelled back.
"I don't know," Yuki said sarcastically. "Maybe mine!"
That threw Shuichi off balance.
"What?" he asked, forgetting to shout. "Then why the hell did you do that to Hiro?" He remembered to shout this time.
"Well, not to sound childish, but he did start it and he shouldn't have let you do that!" Yuki's voice was rising now. When will that little idiot learn what's good for him? Not that I am, but what he did last night was certainly not good for him!
"He shouldn't have let me? Has it ever crossed your mind that I just might be old enough to think for my self?"
"You're not doing a very good job of it," Yuki snapped. "If he was really your friend he would have looked after you, not taken advantage of you!"
"He didn't take advantage of me!" Shuichi shouted. How dare Yuki attack Hiro like that? "Maybe I wanted him to!"
There was a horrible silence.
Shuichi wished with all his heart he could yank the words back, but it was of course too late.
"Shuichi," said Yuki, his eyes betraying a tiny glimmer his inner agony for the first time. He tried to think of something to say that wasn't what he wanted to, yet the words came out anyway. "Did you?"
Shuichi looked away.
"I wanted myself to, but I didn't," he whispered after a moment. "I wanted to hate you and be able to forget you, but how could I? I wanted to love someone who loves me back," he said spitefully, "but I don't love him, not like that." There were tears in his eyes now.
Trying to suppress your love? That sounds familiar. The similarities between Shuichi and his younger self were scary sometimes.
"But you know what?" Shuichi continued, biting his lip and trying to suppress tears. "I think I can get past what happened last night; I think I have to. I hate myself for hurting Hiro like that; I shouldn't have done it. It's probably killing him and it's Okay if he never wants talk to me again. I'd take all the heat about Bad Luck; I totally deserve it." He could feel tears on his cheeks, but he ignored them.
Of course, he's worried about how much he hurt Hiro. He had every right to be and Yuki knew it, but that didn't stop some small part of him from wanting to yell at Shuichi, "What about me? Don't you care you hurt me too?" Of course, he'd hurt Shuichi far worse, but still...
"But what I really wanna know is what the hell is your problem, Yuki? Did I really mean that little to you? I thought you loved me! I thought you cared!" His voice was rising from tears and he had to force the words out. "But if you had to go and do that, why didn't you just tell me? I love you!" The last three words weren't even audible, just the movement of his lips. Shuichi broke down utterly and felt a jolt as knees hit the floor.
"Shuichi," Yuki whispered. What have I done?
Yuki slumped back again the wall, his face fell into his hand and he felt the unfamiliar sensation of tears behind his eyes. He knew he should go to Shuichi, comfort him, but it wasn't in his nature and he didn't know how.
The only thing sound broke the long silence was Shuichi's sobbing.
"Shuichi, I'm sorry," said Yuki at last without looking up.
"Yeah right," said Shuichi in a choked voice.
Yuki gave a wry smile.
"I thought you understood me," he said with a shake if his head.
"Well apparently you have Yūko Hozuki for that now," Shuichi said in a voice that was meant to be cold, but came out shattered. "Where is your darling love anyway?"
"At her house," said Yuki distractedly, raising his head at last.
"What?" asked Shuichi as scathingly as he could through the end of his tears. "She doesn't live here?"
"You really think I want that, don't you?" Yuki asked, his voice sad and quiet.
"If you don't want it, don't want her, why are you doing this?" he asked in an accusing, still broken voice.
"Because I don't have a lot of choice."
"What's that supposed to mean?" spat Shuichi, his tears gone for the moment.
"I'll explain everything later," he said in a surprisingly gentle voice. "First, let me get one thing straight with you." He cross the space that speared them in a few, long strides so that he stood over the smaller man.
Shuichi looked up at him, his expression full of pain and spite and longing. Yuki gazed at him for a moment and then knelt unexpectedly so that his face was inches from Shuichi, who could not turn his face away fast enough to escape the fingers that suddenly grasped his chin.
Shuichi had been imagining this kiss ever since he'd left Yuki's side for America and he knew this was not how it was supposed to be. They were supposed to be in the airport and he was supposed to have come running to his stoic lover and fling his arms around Yuki's neck and the blond was supposed to smile just a little bit and mutter "damn brat" and then they were supposed to kiss and not care who saw. It was supposed to be the best kiss. It was supposed to make up for everything they had been missing in their six months apart. It was supposed to be beautiful and wild and free and passionate and loving and tender and caring, all at the same time. That was how it was supposed to be.
However, they were not in the airport, they were in Yuki's apartment where Shuichi had first seen that devil woman. Shuichi had not come running to Yuki, he had been sent by Hiro, whom he'd just slept with. Yuki had not said anything sweet, only things that made no sense at all and he had not said them with a smile. The blond was holding Shuichi's face to his own, forcing him into what Shuichi had so wanted to be the best kiss ever, but there was nothing there. Shuichi himself was too shocked and upset to react or kiss his love back and he could feel nothing in Yuki's kiss besides the press of his lips. There was no passion, no love, no caring, no anything, not even anger or hatred.
Shuichi pushed Yuki away and jumped to his feet. So that's it, is it? "Get one thing straight," huh? I guess by that you meant prove you don't love me!
"Shuichi," he whispered, some hidden emotion shimmering behind his voice.
"What was that?" Shuichi demanded, glaring down at Yuki in furry. "Don't tell me that was supposed to make me feel better! I leave Japan for not even six moths - Tohma forces me to leave - I come back wanting nothing more than to see you and you're engaged to some heiress slut and I'm the last person to know!" he shouted.
"Shuichi."
"What the hell? I thought you cared! I thought you finally cared about me! Was that all a lie? Were you just screwing with me? Did you just want to watch someone suffer? Was it all just a game to you? I love you! Doesn't that mean anything to you? If you don't love me, fine, but I thought you would at least have the decency to break it off with me and not just go off with some woman while I'm gone!" Shuichi could feel hot tears coursing down his cheeks again, but he could do nothing to stop them. They chocked his rant and yet he someone pushed blindly on.
"Shuichi, please," said Yuki as he pushed himself slowly to his feet.
"Why, Yuki, why? I thought- I thought-!" He could barely get the words out now. "I thought you loved me too," he whispered.
"Shuichi," Yuki whispered, gazing down at the distraught singer. "Please, just listen."
Shuichi wiped his hand across his eyes though he continued to cry and said nothing.
"I don't want to marry her. I don't want anything to do with her. This wasn't my idea." There was a pleading note in his voice Shuichi had never heard there before.
"Then why-?" Shuichi did not understand. This wasn't the Yuki he knew. This broken, hurt, pleading man was not his Yuki. What had that woman done to him?
"Shuichi, do you want to be with me?" Yuki asked quietly after a moment.
"How could you even ask that?" Shuichi asked between subdued sobs.
"Because I never meant you to have to wonder the same thing about me." He could not look his lover in the eyes.
"Do you mean-?"
Yuki stepped forward suddenly and pulled Shuichi to his chest. Shuichi gasped and froze for a moment. Then he buried his face in Yuki's shoulder and broke down completely, melting into Yuki's chest. Yuki stroked the pink, spiky hair and tried to sooth him. Shuichi just sobbed into the blue, button down shirt. Yuki bent his head, closing his eyes and breathing in the smell of Shuichi's hair, face hidden in the pink spikes.
"Shuichi," he whispered. He suddenly had to prove that he could be there for Shuichi. He could comfort him; he could hold him. He could do things Hiro had failed to do the night before.
"Yuki," the singer choked.
"I missed you."
Shuichi could only cry, but Yuki knew how much his lover had missed him.
Shuichi looked up into Yuki's face and, although tears blurred his vision, he could see the suffering in the older man's eyes. However, Yuki pushed aside whatever was causing him such deep pain and smiled ever so slightly for Shuichi. He took his hand from the pink hair to wipe away tears from the flushed cheeks.
"Are you really going to marry her?" Shuichi asked at last.
"I don't know," Yuki whispered. "I don't know."
"How? How can you not know?" Shuichi's voice was choked by sobs, but he still managed to force the words out.
"Because-," he began but stopped himself. Shuichi did not need to know the truth. He didn't like lying on top of everything else he'd done to his love, but the truth would only hurt him. "Like I said, it wasn't my idea. I'm not really in control of the situation. I've never really been in control of anything." It was an odd realization.
Even through his tears, Shuichi gave a derisive sort laugh.
"It's true. My parents always tried to fix my life to their liking. I didn't want to go to New York as a child. You know the marriage to Ayaka was arranged. I might act like I always get my way, but the things that really matter have always been completely out of my control." He stopped his rant and took a deep breath. "Until you."
"And how am I in your control?" asked Shuichi utterly failing to sound sarcastic due to his tears and the fact that he knew he was completely in Yuki's control.
"It's up to me to make this work." A look that clearly said "and we both know that you'll do anything I ask you to" flickered behind his eyes, but his words remained serious. "I know how far you're willing to go to be with me, therefore whether or not you are is up to me."
Shuichi swallowed. "And do you want to be with me?" he whispered.
Yuki closed his eyes and turned his head away to hide the pain that he could feel burning behind his lids. That Shuichi thought he had to ask, that he had made Shuichi think he had to ask, broke his heart. Despite his cold nature and harsh words, the pink-haired singer was all he wanted and all he loved. Everything that mattered to him in the world was shaking in his arms. Five feet and five inches of pink-haired, violet-eyed, over-emotional, highly annoying, extremely immature, and utterly perfect rock star was all that was worth living for. And Shuichi didn't know. He didn't know because Yuki had learned long ago that showing his feelings for someone else was risky at best and fatal at worst. The lesson he'd learned best from his childhood tutor was that love in any form was something to be avoided and hidden at all costs. Yuki was trying to let Shuichi teach him something new. He had to let his love show. Shuichi needed it. He needed it.
Yuki opened his eyes and gazed down at Shuichi for a moment, none of his thoughts showing on his face.
For a long moment Shuichi did not know what Yuki was going to say. Then, the blond smiled.
"Yes."
It was all he said and all that was needed.
Yuki pulled his arm tighter around Shuichi's waist, drawing the smaller body to his own. Shuichi stared up into the gold eyes he'd missed so much and he forgot everything else. He forgot that Yuki was due to be married soon. He forgot that Yuki had gotten engaged while he had been gone. He forgot that Yuki was always cold and harsh to him. He forgot that he'd spent the dark hours of the morning with Hiro. Nothing mattered, nothing in the world, expect the man holding him close.
Yuki inclined his head and gently gave Shuichi what he'd been dreaming for almost six months.
It was sweet and caring; Shuichi felt like he was being kissed for the first time. Yet behind the tenderness was a fiery passion boarding on need. Shuichi pressed his lips to his lover's and knew he wanted nothing else in the world other than to be close to Yuki. Everything else could go to hell, as long as Yuki wanted him. If Yuki would just hold him close, that would be enough.
---
I got this one up a lot faster, right? Yeah that would be because I'd already written most of it after one of the previous versions of the last chapter. Anyway, I got them back together. Yay! Now I've just got to clean up this mess. I don't think it's going to be a lot longer because it's really frustrating me for some reason. At any rate I hope you like it.