Chapter 7(Haley)

Living Is a Problem Because Everything Dies

I ran through the cold, dark streets away from Luke's house. Away from his lips upon hers. Away from his warm hands tangled in her hair. Away from her hand around his neck. Away from the way she'd sighed into his kiss. Away from how stupid I'd been.

My breath began to come in short, fast pants and I stopped. Sobbing and breathing in my own pain. I let out a cry of anguish and sank to my knees on the hard asphalt. I placed a useless hand against my chest as if it could massage away the pain blossoming in my heart. It felt like my chest was ripping in half. I leaned over, as if protecting my chest. I stared into the black pavement, at its endless darkness. The pavement might as well have been a mirror. If I'd had the breath, the life in me, I would've screamed into the night, all the hurt that was building up inside me. Instead I crouched there, sobbing, unable for the life of me to move. Unable to even imagine moving again. Luckily no cars came along because if one had, I would've let it roll right over me.

I wanted to curse everyone. Peyton, for kissing Lucas and loving him. Lucas for kissing Peyton and loving her. Nathan for not being the Lucas I needed him to be. Cruel Fate, for making sure that once I realized who my love was, he was taken away from me. Most of all, more than any other…myself, for loving him, for falling for my best friend, the one person in the whole world that I could've given my whole heart too. The one person in the whole world who had the most power to break it.

Lucas. Now that I knew I could never have him, I felt a blinding desire to be as near to him as possible. I needed to go somewhere where he'd always been close. I rose to trembling feet and started my slow march towards Karen's Café.

I reached the dark Café and pulled my ring of keys from my back pocket. I passed by meaningless house keys and held out the key that Karen had given me when I started working for her. I unlocked the door and pushed it inside, all in a numb haze. I climbed the stairs leading to the roof and flicked the huge utility switch on the brick wall. Millions of lights suddenly came to life and brightened the whole dark roof. Strings of Christmas lights. A fake flamingo and a plastic Santa leered at me. I looked around at the golf course that Lucas and I had set up on the Café roof. I sat down on the cold concrete and just stared out at it. I remembered when it had just been me and Lucas against the world. We would come up here after school and spend hours. We would talk, play golf, and have water balloon fights. I smiled through my tears, remembering how sometimes I would fill some of the balloons with milk. This place had always been my escape from the world. Being up here with Lucas, on our fake mini-golf course had been the best comfort that could've been offered.

I stayed up there, I don't know how long. Remembering all the good times that Luke and I had shared made me accept the fact that I might still be able to have him as a friend, if nothing else. Maybe that would be enough. It would have to be enough. I would have to put my feelings for him on a shelf in my heart and then lock them away. Loving Lucas was going to be both the hardest and easiest thing I'd ever done. It felt so natural now, the love I had for him. But tomorrow, I was going to have to go to school, smile and him and Peyton, accept the fact that it would never be me.

"Haley?"

I spun around to see Nathan in the doorway that lead to the roof. I blinked at him a few times because he was the last person I'd ever expected to see. I hastily wiped my wet eyes even though he probably already saw them.

"Nathan? What are you doing here?"

He walked a few steps closer to me, "What are you doing here? It's like midnight, Haley."

I turned back to look at the golf course, "I just needed to think."

I felt him come over and sit down next to me. "Think about what?"

I smiled, "The meaning of life and everything." A quote from one of Lucas' favorite books, The Hitchhikers Guide To the Galaxy. I'd read it too but didn't get the depth that Lucas had gotten from it. He'd told me, 'Hales, all of the world's truths are hidden in shadows or behind humor's smiling face.' Whatever he'd meant by that.

I turned to Nathan who looked really confused. "So what are you doing here, Nathan? You didn't answer me."

He looked at me, sheepishly. "Tim decided I needed a party tonight because I was…a little down. It was just getting started but I needed to get out of there. I left, got in my car, and just drove. I drove past here, saw the lights on in the Café. Saw the lights on up here, which by the way, I could see from like a mile away. You guys got so much shit up here, it's unbelievable."

"So that doesn't explain why you're here."

He shrugged, "Well…I knew that you and Luke come up here sometimes. I came up here, hoping to see you, which I did. By the way you shouldn't have left the door to the Café open. Any crazy could've walked off the street and come up here."

I smiled. Even though tonight was a pretty dark night for me, it felt good to have some company. It helped pull me a little out of my own dark feelings. "So you, being crazy, coming up here is better than just any old crazy?"

He laughed. "Yep, because at least I'm only crazy for you."

I groaned and slapped him on the shoulder, "Oh my God that was horribly cheesy."

He got serious all of a sudden, staring into my eyes, "Yeah, but you look like you could use some cheesy. What happened, Haley? Why were you crying?"

I looked away from his eyes because the concern and hope in them was too much to look at. Nathan reached out and touched my chin, forcing my gaze back to him.

He looked in my eyes again, "Haley, if something is bothering you, I wanna know. You know how I feel about you and whether or not you feel that for me, I still…I still want to be there for you. Just because you don't return my feelings doesn't make them change. So I'm just going to keep on caring about you, whether you like it or not."

I felt new tears well up in my eyes. It would be a lot easier if Nathan was still acting like his old jerky self but he wasn't. I wasn't feeling any pulling on the heart strings but I felt that if I gave Nathan the chance, he could be a great guy and friend. So I nodded, showing him I understood about his feelings. I probably understood more than anyone else could.

"So what happened? Did you and Lucas break up?"

I laughed and a tear slid down my cheek, "No, that wasn't even…that was nothing. We weren't really together."

I saw hope leap into Nathan's eyes, even though he tried to hide it, "Really? So what's wrong?"

My mind spun as I thought up a lie that sounded plausible as to why I was up here on the roof, crying at midnight. "Well, I saw him tonight with Peyton. I mean…he's my best friend so I'm happy for him, you know? Except, now it feels like our friendship could slip away. Like, Lucas and I have always been there for each other. It was us against the world. But now I'm afraid all that will change. He's slipping away, or something. And now that he has someone…I'm afraid to be alone." I was able to put emotion into the last part because I really did feel that way.

Nathan scooted closer to me and put one, warm arm around my shoulders.

He leaned close to me, like he was about to tell me a secret, "You don't have to be alone."

Then he leaned in and placed his lips against mine. I let him. He brushed his knuckles across me cheek in a very loving gesture. I let him. He slid his fingers through my hair. I let him. He glided his tongue across my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I let him. He pulled me close and slid his tongue into my mouth. I kissed him back.