Chapter 11(Haley)

Somewhere Only We Know

How had everything gotten this way? Lucas had stopped talking to me. He'd started being a man-whore and was now seeing Brooke and Peyton at the same time. He glared at me like he hated me and never returned my calls. I even stopped trying to work with him and started working around him because it was obvious he hated me now. I loved him but he didn't even seem to like me.

Nathan rolled over and placed a kiss on my cheek.

"Hey. Hales, where's your head at?"

I rolled over on my bed so that I was facing him, "Sorry? What?"

He pushed a piece of hair behind my ear, "Your parents left for dinner about thirty minutes ago. That means we've had thirty minutes of uninterrupted Nathan and Haley make-out time and you've barely spoken two words to me."

I sighed, sitting up in bed, "I'm sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind."

He sat up with me and kissed me on the lips. "Anything I can help with."

I smiled. He really was great. "No, really I'm fine."

He smiled back and me and leaned in for another kiss. His tongue slipped between my lips and he gently pushed me back down onto the bed. I tried to quell a small urge to panic as I felt his hand begin to pull at the bottom of my shirt. He just tugged it up a little, just so my stomach was showing. He traced a random pattern around my belly button with one rough finger and then he pushed it up further. I wanted this. Didn't I? I'd known where this was going for some time now. Every now and again, I thought I wanted it. Just get it over with. Maybe by giving him my body, he'd be able to take a little bit of my soul too. Doing this would bring us closer and push Lucas farther away. Wouldn't it?

Nathan leaned away from me a little bit and whispered in my ear, "Do you wanna?"

I was going to answer, answer…yes or no? I honestly don't know which but he put his mouth back to mine and silenced me. He started unbuttoning my pants, his deft fingers working quickly. He leaned closer to me, starting to push my jeans down. His kisses felt nice. Good. If I was another girl…or maybe if I wasn't in love with someone else, his kisses wouldn't burn me the way they did. I felt like I was in a huge fire. Not the good kind, not the passion kind. The kind that suffocates, the kind that kills. I choked on the smoke and felt the flames licking at my heels. I was burning at the stake. I was gasping for air that wasn't there. I was breathing in my own death. I was dying.

"Stop!" I shoved Nathan so hard he rolled off my bed. I jumped up and started fastening my pants and straightening my shirt.

"Haley!" Nathan stood up, looking completely disheveled. "What the hell?!"

I felt tears spring to my eyes. He looked so angry. God no. Please, not when I need him to be his most understanding.

I heard my voice trembling as I spoke, "Nathan…please. I just…I just can't."

He balled up his fists and I flinched but he just took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Haley. This is really, really frustrating."

What? Now was time to go on the offensive, "Because I won't have sex with you?"

"No because you don't love me!"

I pulled back, it was finally out. He'd just thrown it out there and we had to deal with it now. How had he known?

He leaned over the bed and I was shocked to see tears in his eyes. His whole body screamed anger but his face cried sadness. "I want you, to want me, Haley. It's as simple as that. Don't you understand? I've finally found the courage to be the guy that I've always wanted to be. And I found that courage with you. You can't know how hard I've been trying to be there for you, to persuade you to be mine, to show you that I care. But it just never seems to be enough, does it?"

I opened my mouth but no words came out.

He continued, "Every time I touch you and you flinch, it hurts. Every time I look at you and you look away, it hurts. Every time I kiss you and you cut it short, it hurts. And every day, waking up, hoping that today will be the day that I'll finally get all of you and it never happens…it fucking hurts, Haley."

With that he picked up his jacket off the floor and walked towards my bedroom door.

Afraid of the pain that I'd caused, I called after him, "Nathan…don't leave like this, please."

He turned towards me. Pain was etched across his face but his eyes softened, "Haley, I don't like having just a piece of you. Whatever it is, holding you back let it go. I'm right here and whatever it is you're punishing yourself with, it isn't worth it. This hasn't been easy but…I'll call you tomorrow. And the next day and the next if that's what it takes. I'll show you, Haley. I'm a good guy. I won't let you down. I help you whenever I can. I'll treat you right. I'm going to be a great guy, Haley and I'm going to be that guy for you."

With that he crossed the room and kissed me gently on the forehead. I felt tears start sliding down my face and I heard my bedroom door click gently closed.

What a horrible person I'd become. Nathan deserved better than me. Right then, I needed some therapy. I needed some memories of a better time, memories of love.

The rooftop of Karen's café was dark until I flicked the switch and everything lightened. I sat down, soaking everything in. My heart and the darkness surrounding me didn't seem so full of shadows to haunt me. Coming up here was like a balm to my bruised and battered soul. Here I was as close to Lucas as ever. I could still pretend he was going to walk up behind me, hug me, and talk to me way into the early hours of the morning. I felt more tears flow as memories of Nathan's face and Lucas' love mingled into a painful montage in my brain.

I was so lost in my grief that I didn't hear him. Not until he spoke.

"Haley?"

I knew that voice. I cherished that voice. I needed that voice. Was I imagining things? I turned around to see him walk towards me and knew that it was real enough. If it wasn't real, I never wanted to know the truth.

He sat down next to me, his long legs stretching out before him, his upper thigh barely grazing mine. This was such sweet torture. Having his warm body so close to mine, his warmth caressing my skin but not being able to touch him, exquisite agony.

"Why are you crying?" His voice sounded rough and it made me look at him. Really look at him. He'd lost weight. There were shadows under his eyes that hadn't been there before. His cheek bones seemed hollow and his eyes seemed empty. He looked like he'd gone to hell and returned half dead. Was this guy really my Lucas?

He touched my shoulder, briefly and then pulled his hand away. He cleared his throat, "Haley…why are you crying?"

I brushed tears away from my eyes, uselessly.

"Did Nathan do something?" He must have seen me flinch a little at the sound of his name. "He did do something didn't he?" I could hear the anger growing in Luke's voice.

"Haley, you have to tell me. If he hurt you…I swear to God…"

"No, Luke…it isn't that. We just had an argument. That's all."

He put an arm awkwardly around my shoulder, "That's not all, Haley."

I sobbed and he pulled me into an embrace. I breathed him in, even as I was crying into his T-shirt. His hands stroked my back and I felt a comfortable warmth spread over me. This was where I belonged. Here in his arms. My tears subsided but Lucas never let me go. I heard him sigh into my hair and felt his thumbs tracing little circles on my shoulder bones. The dam had been so close to breaking for such a long time.

Lucas pulled away and looked deeply into my eyes. He wiped away any lingering tears from my cheeks. I looked at him, he looked at me. We were both so broken. Together we were so whole.

I crashed my lips forward onto his, pulling him into me. I felt a second of shock from him but then his hand tangled in my hair and he pulled me closer. His tongue stroked mine and I nibbled his bottom lip. He pulled away a bit and nibbled down my neck. Kissing and sucking as he went. I let out a soft sigh. Lucas. Lucas. Lucas.

He breathed my name into my ear, "Ahhh…Haley. Haley. Haley."