Dog

I did the same routine. I stood and waited and eventually he came to me. I don't care if I am trying to take him from Reid. I want this man. I want him as mine and though he never stays the night, he does come to me. I wonder if he returns to Spencer. I wonder what Hotch would say if he knew. But no one ever has to know about this. Sometimes I even wonder if it is real of if my mind never fully recovered from seeing that child die like that. So he takes me until my legs give way and I feel that familiar woozy feeling and the room spins.

It's not many men who can make love to a woman until she passes out. And I will never find another like him. Not in either gender will I find another.

This morning is different. I am sore.

But not how I usually feel. Something is different. I am still partially dressed and lying on the floor in the lounge. Slowly I roll over and sit up. My head is pounding and I feel sick. Something is more that different. Something is wrong. I feel the bile rising in my throat and manage a stumbling run to the bathroom where I empty most of my stomach contents into the bowl. Something is wrong but I don't know what it is. I hurt in places I don't normally and it feels like something like a big insect has bitten the side of my neck. Groggily I stand and look in the mirror. I look deathly pale and my neck looks red but not swollen or such around where it hurts.

'Damnit.' I mutter. I don't like that I've been bitten by something which is making me feel so ill after.

I decide to clean my teeth and see if I feel any better afterwards.

That is when I see it.

In the bathroom basin. Just lying there.

'What the hell?' I stand just looking at it for a few minutes. Maybe longer. Every muscle in my body is screaming. My brain is screaming…my nerves are howling in rage. I tear off a bit of toilet tissue and pick the turkey baster up out of the basin. 'You son of a bitch!' Under this harmless kitchen tool is a little disposable thermometer and a thing like an epipen but smaller than normal. 'You wouldn't. Oh god you wouldn't do that.' I drop the baster back into the basin knowing full well that he would. That he had.

And how am I going to explain this?

How will I tell Hotch?

'Flanders you bastard!'

I spend much of the rest of the morning kneeling on the bathroom floor now wishing to all the gods available that I could empty my stomach.

-o-o-o-

I don't know where we are.

I think I have where I am figured out now and I think we are somewhere in the south, but I don't know exactly where. They don't say much to me. I don't get to see Floyd much, though it is every day now. Sam, I see Sam most days, but not every one. I still don't seem to be able to see properly, but it's good enough to make out the weirdness of my surroundings.

I live in a big Winnebago type thing. It's huge, but they lock me in a lot of the time. The windows are shuttered from the outside, so though I hear things going on, I don't get to see very much when there are strangers around. There are times they let me out. They take me to a huge metal cage and attach me to the outside of it with irons on my legs. Most of the time I am in baggy jeans and a vest top. I have to be careful. I've discovered that I don't get many chances to change my clothing.

It is from this place though tied up like an animal that I get to see the others and get to learn a bit more about what this place is. Let me tell you about some of them.

Ana:

She is the one who brings me my food in a stainless steel bowl. I don't get a knife or fork. I have to eat with my fingers. So Ana, she is probably about five foot tall. She is very thin. Much too thin, and is usually in a leotard and slippers when I see her. She has short cropped hair and six fingers on each hand and some kind of jaw deformity. She looks almost normal until she smiles and I can see her teeth are shiny white and long and pointed. I don't know if she can talk. She's never said anything to me, but then I've not said anything to her either. She smells of horses and I think she is a bareback rider or something.

Lemmy:

Is a dwarf. Gender – I don't know. I really can't tell. I'll say "he" just to make it easier. Lemmy is a hired hand I think, rather than a performer. I don't know, maybe he clowns too; I've never been inside the big top. I don't know what they do. I am never in the open if public are around. Lemmy cleans out the animals and helps put up the tent and stalls. I've seen him late at night sometimes when all the people have gone and they bring me out for fresh air and he smells of popcorn and hotdogs. I think he sells food or something. Sometimes Lemmy is in a female dress and sometimes he is dressed in animal skins. He never talks to me or even looks at me.

Sin and Saviour:

Are conjoined twins. They are joined at the waist and they look to be teenaged, but it's really hard to tell. One is always looking pretty with yellow hair tied back and a pink bow in her hair. I think that one is Saviour. The other always has Goth type make up and her hair is dyed dark red. I am pretty sure I have the names the right way around. They have a box they stand on inside a big red and blue tent and people pay money to go in and look at them.

Little Leo:

Obviously is far from little. He has some kind of defect and is now eight foot tall and nearly as wide. He is creepy. He wears red and white striped pants and a bright yellow baggy top. It is the clowns make up which is so incongruous. It never looks fresh. It's always smeared and dripping, and I think it's meant to be like that. I don't think if I was a child I would find that sort of clown in the slightest big amusing. He has the biggest feet I have ever seen inside the biggest red clown shoes ever made. His hair is long and dark and dirty and tied back with a twinkley thing in various shades.

Bird Girl:

Exactly what she sounds like. I think it is her cage I am attached to but I've never seen her inside it, but there are dark feathers around and fruit and nuts on the floor of the cage. A tall girl of about six foot and again like Ana very underweight. She wears a costume covered in black feathers, but she has no ears, just holes in the side of her head and her eyes are set much too far to the side and they bulge from her head. She has no thumbs and her fingers are webbed. I've never heard her talk. She can squawk though.

Henry:

Not the boss but the guy in the big hat and red tails. I thought at first he was normal, not like the others I've seen but he has a tail to go with his tails. About a foot long. At first I thought my addled brain was just confused, but no he definitely has it and it moves, much like a bald cat tail. It made me feel sick at first to see it waving around between the split in the back of his trousers and coat, but somehow it looks normal now.

I've told you about a few of the people. There are many others and some of them seem to have bodies which aren't disfigured by birth. Tilly is tattooed all over her body. I don't even know what race she was before. You can't see any natural skin anymore. Eloise is branded. On her back. A tiger. It could almost be said to be attractive except it's not. The one I think who is in charge is called Jules or The Jules Eye. I don't have a clue why they call him that. I am assuming because he sees all. He looks normal. A smallish guy of about five six with dark hair pulled back and plaited. He has with him at all times a lad on a leash. This lad crawls on his hands and knees. I've never heard him talk. But I have heard his screams when he is kicked and whipped. I want to do something. Let him know I am here and I will help but he never looks over at me, and I don't call out to him.

I am here now with my bowl of what looks like dog food and a dish of water. Ana is standing watching me as I push it away from me. I know from experience that it won't taste as bad as it looks but my stomach hurts today and my head is pounding. I don't want to eat. I don't want to be part of this freak show. I need to talk to Floyd – properly about it, but he is staying quiet with me too.

'Eat it.' She snaps at me, but I ignore her and just curl up tighter to myself. It's cold today and my hands and feel like ice. I wonder if it will occur to them to give me more clothing when it gets colder. I will ask Floyd. I will ask him tonight. There have been a few nights he hasn't been back until very early hours of the morning. I want to ask what he does all day when I don't see him, but I don't. I don't ask the questions he is willing to answer. I've asked for books to read. I have been denied them. I have asked for something to write on and I've been denied that too. There is no television or radio in the van. I have no idea what is going on in the outside world except for my visits to where I am now.

'Eat it dog.' And she kicks the bowl to me. 'You won't get anything else until you do.' That's fine with me. I don't want to eat it.

At the normal time they come to get me. A guy I don't see very often. Six foot or so in tatty jeans and a hoodie. Then things start to change from normal.

'Hey.' He says to me and crouches down in front of me. He pushes my food bowls out of the way and grabs me under the chin so he can lift my face to look at him. 'I'm your trainer.' He says. I stay silent. I want to hear all he has to say before I start protesting. 'You will do what I tell you and things won't hurt nearly so much.' I think I frown at him. 'Lesson number one; you are now called "Dog". Number two and all the other fucking numbers that come after it; you will not talk. You will stay on hands and knees. You will do what you are told by the folk here. You will eat without the use of your hands and if I see you use your fingers I will get Ana to bite them off.

I open my mouth to say something to be greeted with a back hander which sends me into the cold damp earth.

'I said you're not to talk.'

The next half an hour probably is taken up by me kicking and defending myself from this guy. He manages to get a collar around my neck and I am told to get on my hands and knees. When I start to stand he brings out a small concealed sap like club and shows me what happens when I try to stand.

I'm not sure what happened. It seemed to just be starting and yet be over all at the same time. I know he kicked my knees. I know he brought the club down on my bare feet. I know he brought his boots down on my fingers. I could hear screaming. I didn't realise at first that it was me, but there was no way now I would be walking for a while. Or using my hands to eat with.

I was then half dragged and partially allowed to crawl back towards the van I lived in.

A fool. That is all I can think I was. A fool to think I was going back to my warm bed. The collar, which was padlocked closed, was now attached to the trailer hitch on the back of one of the horse boxes. Ana put the food and water down and they walked off.

People will be arriving soon. I can call out. I can get help. Floyd won't allow this to happen. I look at my hands. I think they are just badly bruised.

As the time slips by I notice the lack of people arriving tonight. I pull at the collar and I try to force the lock off the trailer but my hands won't let me. I'm stuck and as it starts to rain I realise my only option now is to crawl under the horse box to try at least to keep as dry as I can.

-o-o-o-

'Spence.' I crouch down at the back of the horsebox and touch the foot protruding out into the rain. There is a yelp and the foot is snatched away so I bend down and crawl under there with him. 'Babes, it's me.' But he doesn't look at me. He's not looked at me properly, not really properly for a while now. Something is gone. That spark, it's just not there now. 'Spencer, I can take you back to our place. Come.' I pull on his leash and with a sigh and his head down he wriggles out from under cover and out into the dark night and the rain. There is going to be a storm. The show's been cancelled and the tents taken down. It's too risky keeping them up in the high winds and the animals spook. I pull the leash from the trailer and attach it to my belt and start walking. He crawls in the dirt and mud behind me and though in a way its sort of heart breaking that I lost my Spencer, at least he's not completely dead. I pick up his bowl of food which is now half filled with rain water and tip some of it out. I will try to get him something else, but I know what their plans are. There is no bargaining with the family. It is their way or you go. It's why I was gone in the first place and I'm fucking lucky to be back. Not so lucky with what was going on though.

Back in the warmth and light of the van I can see what they've done to him. His feet are black and bruised his hands swollen and his lip split. I place his food on the floor for him and get a bowl of water and put them together. I watch Spencer crawl over to the bed and painfully pull himself up onto the comfort of the bed. I bite on my bottom lip as I make myself a coffee.

'Get off.'

I don't say it too loudly and he ignores me.

'Spencer get off the fucking bed will you.'

And he looks over at me but his eyes don't quite meet mine and they don't have that shine they used to have. 'What's going on Floyd?'

I pour my coffee and walk over to the bed and after putting the drink on the little side cabinet I throw myself down next to him. He is lying down all arms and legs. He is far too thin. Much too thin. He looks ill. I run my fingers over his face and sigh. 'What do you mean?'

'What is this place?'

He shouldn't be on the furniture but I'll cover for him if they ask. I wriggle closer and pull his head onto my lap. I need back what I had. I need back what was there before Taki got to him. I look at the face with looks not quite right and stroke his hair with my fingers.

'Floyd – what is this place? What's going on?'

'It's my family Spencer. They are able to shield you from Taki. Both us, they are protecting us.'

I feel him wriggle on my lap and I just want to push him away from me and make him get back on the floor, but somewhere inside is the Spencer I need to find again.

'I don't feel very protected.'

'I know – I know but you're alive aren't you? The thing is Spencer that they won't keep people here doing nothing. You have to earn your keep. You haven't been so far. I've been in talks with them. Long talks, but I don't really have much say. My status here's not too high and if I piss them off too much they'll just kick me out again. That's not meaning they will you too though, not now they have a use for you, but you'll be ok. Just do what they want.'

He turns and almost looks at me but not quite. 'They have a use for you? What do you do all day Floyd?' But I shake my head at him and lean back so he can't see my face.

'Not important what I do. You don't need to know that. You just need to remember you are Dog. You will crawl…oh and I have a clout cloth for you to wear, so get out of that dirty stuff I'll help you get changed.'

He wriggles on my lap again and it's beginning to annoy me. 'Clout cloth?'

'You don't know what that is? Fucks sake Spencer.'

I don't know why that annoys me so much. I don't know why it made me see red. I just lost it. I suddenly stand and my momentum forces Spencer off the bed and onto the floor and my boot catches him in the stomach.

He yelps out and tries to curl up and avoid me and I need to stomp him. I need to kill the fucker. I need to kick his pretty little head in. I need to….

I need to get out. I don't know how long I kick him for. At first he curled up, then he reached out and tried to stop me by holding my legs. Then he was begging, like a fucking animal, begging me to stop and asking what he did wrong.

I leave in a rush. I don't even tie him up again, but I don't think he's going anywhere tonight. I didn't even want to fuck him. I didn't want to feel him. I didn't want to hear him…I didn't want to see him cry.

The wind is howling and the shutters on the vans are ratting. I can hear people shouting at each other but the words are too far away and being distorted by the wind and rain. I wanted to be in the big central tent, but it's been taken down and stored away now in preparation for our next stop. All that remains is the trampled down area where the people had been sitting on bales of hay and straw watching the freaks dance and play for them. Watching the men and women with the tattoos and brands swing from the trapeze and never fall however much it looked like they would. Where they watched the man with the huge feet walk a tightrope and the twins dance and the pony skips and in some darkened back room I whore. Here is where I now stand and then I crouch and run my fingers over the remains of the sawdust on the floor and I realise now why I ran from Spencer. It's not him there is a problem with. He is still Spencer. It's me who's changed. It's me who is glad of the wind and rain right now.

I hate tears.

Once you start there is a risk you won't stop.

There is a risk someone will see you.

And that someone might think you actually care.

And you don't.

You don't give a shit what happens to Spencer.

As long as you're all right.

Everyone else can go to hell.

-o-o-o-

I stand in the shadows and watch him.

I dunno what the hell is going on with my dad.

He is crouching in the rain with his arms wrapped around his head and I wonder if I should go to him.

But I don't.