Denial

I paced for a good few hours. Every ten minutes of so I went back to the big white bathroom and looked in the basin. I cried for a while. I stood at the window for a while and could see my hand prints still on the glass. I know he was here. I know this isn't some crazy dream or nightmare. I know I didn't do this to myself.

I feel light headed but the though of putting food into my mouth has me racing back to my echoing bathroom and vomiting nothing but bile down the pan. I've called in work sick and Hotch wasn't happy. We are working a case. Child abductions. I am needed there, but right now I would be of no use to anyone.

I have to check that he has done what I think he has. This might just be a game. That's right. He is messing with me. This is his idea of a joke. I pull on clean under clothes and a pair of baggy combats. I then drag on a long sleeved black top and finally a hoodie and a pair of boots. I stand in front of the mirror and look at my face. I don't like what I can see. This isn't the face of a woman who has her life under control. This is the face of someone who is spiralling down hill fast. I don't want to disturb the evidence in the basin so I grab my toothbrush and the paste and clean my teeth over the tub. I just drop them into the bottom of the bath and I wipe my mouth on the hand towel I keep draped over the radiator. I leave with my small bag across my shoulder and a small amount of money.

Smoke. Smoke. Damnit I need a smoke, but I cant. I really shouldn't. At least not until I know for sure. Then again if I don't then am admitting that he did do this thing to me. I slip down a small ally way and lean on the wall. I have five left in the pack in my bag and it doesn't take me long to smoke the first. I reach to grab another…light the next from this one, but I really shouldn't. I really shouldn't do that, but I do anyway. I seem to be crouching now near the bins in the ally way chainsmoking my way through the last few I have.

'I'm not getting any more.'

And by hiding and doing this in secret I am shielding this from reality. When I stand up I brush my fingers through my hair and then look down at my hands. They are shaking. And my legs hurt where I have been in the same position for too long. It's not far to the pharmacy, not far at all. It has probably taken longer to smoke those five things than to walk to the shop I need to go to. It really isn't far. I can see the sign as I step out of the ally way. I can see it right there. Almost close enough to touch, so I side step and walk into the small tobacconists. Joel knows what I want. He always does and I am angry with myself. I said I wouldn't get more, yet here I am handing over my money. I nod a curt thank you and leave the small shop which smells of cheap candy and cigarettes and there it is again. Where I need to go. I turn and start to walk away. If I don't check, if I ignore it, then I wont have to accept it, but if I return home I will be faced with the damned turkey baster in my basin. I turn back and at virtual run I make my way to the pharmacy.

I am in such a damned rush to get back that I don't notice anything out of place until I reach my apartment door and see Hotch standing there.

'Hotch, I wasn't expecting to see you.' I clutch my prize in my hand and quickly stuff it into the pouch pocket on the front of my hoodie.

He nods slightly at me but keeps watching. He will want to come in. He will want to know what is going on. I can feel that I am rubbing my hands on my pants legs and I stop myself and pull out my keys.

'I had to get something – for my stomach. From the pharmacy.' I slide the key in the door and I can feel his eyes on the back of my neck burning through my skin. I rub nervously at the spot I can feel the heat and pop the door open quickly. 'Come in.' I say and flick on the light in the hallway. I didn't realise it was so late. When did it suddenly get dark? But then it was winter, it gets dark early, but still I thought it was more like lunch time. I shrug the feeling of lost hours away and let Hotch walk past me before closing the door and setting the lock. I feel safer with the door locked. 'Coffee?' I ask, but I don't wait for an answer. I make my way to the kitchen and pull down a couple of white mugs. The coffee is already hot and smelling good in the pot.

'I didn't come here for coffee Prentiss.'

His sudden voice makes me jump and I spill some of the hot liquid I was pouring. 'Oh hell, now look!' and for some reason I want to cry. I want to throw the damned coffee and Hotch and tell him to get out, but it's too late now. He knows something is wrong. He is waiting for me to say something. I quickly mop up the mess I have made and still we are not talking. How do I start? I don't know.

I throw away the coffee soaked paper towels and walk to a small drawer near the kitchen sink. I pull out a plastic bag with a sealable top and a pair of blue latex gloves. I walk still without saying anything to Hotch and hold them out for him to take from me.

He frowns but takes them from me and he is still waiting. 'Bathroom basin.' I say and again he nods and turns walking out of the kitchen and down to my bathroom.

Now what to do?

Wait here or go and sit down?

Run away and hide in the gutter or follow him and see what he says?

I decide to sit on my couch. The boots I quickly remove and by the time I get to my lounge Hotch is coming out of the bathroom. He has put the things in the bag and he motions for me to sit down, which I do happily.

Hotch sits on the big green leather chair and puts the bag on the coffee table. I curl up on the couch and try to make my self small but he knows what I am doing. He knows.

'Talk to me Prentiss. What the hell is all of this?' His hands are resting on his knees.

I shake my head. 'It is going to sound insane, and twisted and wrong, but you have to listen to all of it.'

'I'm waiting.'

I tell him about how I stand at the window. I tell him about the coffee and the cigarettes. I tell him about everything except for exactly what he does to me.

'I thought, I really thought it was some crazy dream.'

'And you didn't think it worth mentioning that you were seeing someone we have been looking for months for? You don't think that is important information?'

'Sir honestly I thought I was dreaming!'

'What did you go out to buy?' His voice is cold and hard.

I pull the bag out of my pocket and put it on the table. 'Pregnancy test kit. I need to be sure.'

'Go do it. I'll wait. You might need someone with you. I will then get you to the hospital and this stuff to the lab.'

'I'm not sick sir.' I get up and snatch up the bag. I have never felt more sick in my life. 'These kits don't take long. But I would like a coffee.' I don't wait for a response. I walk to the bathroom and close the door behind me.

-o-o-o-

Amos is sucking me off. He comes to me every day at the same time and does exactly the same thing. I don't know what he gets out of it. I know what he gets out of me though and that is something I have a never ending supply of. Amos is a dwarf. Not like the sick cross dresser, oh no this is dwarf who is all man. Except he likes to have me in his mouth. I oblige obviously. This is how I am keeping Spencer safe though I don't know why anymore. I've not actually seen him since that day I wanted to kill him.

'Ah fuck….dont bite!'

I slap him across the back of the head.

As I was saying…or thinking – I don't see Spencer anymore. Taki did a good job. He was successful. Really Spence could go. I don't think Taki would hurt him now, but the family aren't going to let that happen now. We are stuck here for a while. I don't see Sam either. I know he is here but I don't know what they are using him for. He might have made a good whore too, but I don't think that's what he is doing.

Amos is just turning to leave and I'm readjusting my self when the screaming starts. I stop and listen to it. I know who it is. I know it's Spencer. One long drawn out howl of pain.

'I don't care.' I turn my back on the tent opening and face the dark canvas and close my eyes. I don't care. If I cared I would do something about it, but I don't give a damn what they are doing to him.

When finally the screaming stops I realise I've been biting my bottom lip hard enough to make it bleed. This shouldn't be happening. I really don't care what they do to Spencer. I have no feelings for him. I have no feelings for anyone. My job is to service the family. That's it. There is nothing else.

I know you see, I know what Taki's job was. It was to pull me down. It was to take from me all I'd worked to gain. One of those things I mended. One of them I am attempting to replace. One of those things I am trying to forget about. There are plenty more where he came from. I'll find another boy. I've seen a few but they only ever visit the once to see the freaks as we pass through town, they never return and none of the ones I've had my eye on have come to me. I thought about making one, but they wont give me the raw materials to work with.

Oh and I know that they are taking kids from the towns and villages. I know that too, but who the hell am I going to report that to? They will come sniffing around soon enough.

When the screams start up again I put my hands over my ears.

'Just leave him alone for the love of the gods.'

I don't know why. I don't know why I am moving. Pushing someone out of my way as I go. Moving fast towards to noise. I need to stop it. I need them to stop whatever they are doing to him. I have pretended for long enough. I need my boy back.

I reach the van the horrendous noise is coming from and I'm about to fly up the few steps and through the door when a hand grabs my arm.

'Don't. He's no longer your problem.' Jules.

I push his hand off my arm and turn to him. 'He never was a fucking problem Jules. Taki is the damned problem not him. What the hell is going on in there?'

'Branding the dog. Don't worry. Wont kill him.'

I don't wait to hear more. I am up the steps and through the door before he can stop me. It's a big van like the one I was given. At the furthest point is a bench with a few people standing around it and someone tied down with hands above his head. He is lying on his stomach and facing away from me. The brander is standing with an elaborate contraption in her hand and smile on her face. The smell in the van if horrendous. Burnt flesh.

'Touch him with that again bitch and I tear your fucking throat out.' A hand is on my back again. Jules once more I am guessing, but I walk away from it and over to the bench. 'You fucking bastards.' I mutter when I look at his back. 'What the hell did you do that for?'

'You're not meant to care.' The voice of Jules. I ignore it and push the onlookers out of the way. His back is in such a mess right now that I cant rightly see what they've done to him. I don't want to think about it. 'Floyd!' and he is pulling at my arm again as I start to untie him. 'Floyd you cant have him. Forget him. Go find another twink. This one's lost.'

I'm dragging him off the bench and hauling him over my shoulder. 'Don't call him that. I can't just replace him.'

Jules is laughing now. 'Oh Floyd, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to insult your bit of arse there. What is he to you then? Your wife? Or is he the husband?'

I need to get out. Need to get him away from these people. He is unconscious as I stumble out of the van to the sounds of laughter and out of the stench of Spencer's burned flesh. Again it has started to rain and as I stagger through the mud and wet and as the thunder booms and rattles and the lightening turns it into daytime for a split second, Spencer groans and moves slightly. I think my movement as I slide and slip in the filth coupled with the ice cold rain on his back is pulling him back round to the land of the awake.

'It's OK babes.' I tell him.

It's not ok

This is so very far from OK that I want to go and kill someone. Someone small. Someone who wont fight back. Something easy, just for once. Something's gotta work out right. I push my way through the tent flaps of my most recent home and drop him on his front on the big bed thing in the center of the tent. I don't have any proper lighting in here. You're not meant to be able to see what a shit hole this place really is. It stinks of sweat and sex and dirty unwashed bodies…or is that just me? Spencer moans softly and I am so freaking cross I think I might explode. Why did they do this why couldn't they just shield us? Why play these sick games?

My family.

My family of sideshow freaks. I sit on the floor with my back against the bed and wait for something to happen. Either they will come and try to take him back, or they will tell me to leave, or they will just ignore it and go and torment someone else, but either way I'm not giving up Spencer without a fight. Taki might have thought he'd done a good job and for a while I thought he had too, but when it comes down to it, Spencer is mine.

And I don't share.

Not unless the price is good enough.

I don't know how long I sit there for. Long enough to smoke everything I can find and snort something pink. Ana has been in and brought Spencer his food and I have threatened to kill her by stuffing the bowl where the sun don't shine. Jules came in and gave me a tub of something to rub on Spencer's back.

'You both need to get back to work.' He tells me but I don't think that is going to happen soon. Tomorrow, I think it is tomorrow, we are packing up and moving on again. We never stay anywhere longer than a week but we've been here ten days. I don't know why and I'm not leaving Spence here to go and find out.

The ran has stopped, but the water is running in through the entrance to my little whoredom. The smells now I have covered with incense but it's getting cold. I get groggily to my feet and look around for something to cover him over with. I have to be careful. I managed to look closer at the burns on his back. They run in a line from between his shoulder blades to the base of his spine and around the top of each buttock to his hips. They are words and I can make up some of the letters but not all of them, but I can pretty much guess that they are insults and curses.

I've not talked to him yet and he hasn't talked to me. I don't know if it's because he doesn't want to, and I wouldn't blame him for that really, or because he cant. Either way I'm not pressing the matter right now. I just need to get us over this hurdle and then hopefully out.

The splashing and the sudden brightness from a flashlight alerts me to someone in the tent with me. I turn to tell them I'm not working tonight but it's Jules. 'Stay in here. Whatever happens stay in here.'

'Taki is here?'

'No no, not that creep. All that matters is that you stay here. And keep your twink here too. Tie him up if you have to but don't let him out of the tent.'

And he is gone.

I lie down on the bed next to Spencer and I try not to touch him. He is still in clout cloth and his head is turned away from me. I rest on my side facing him. I want to bury my head into his hair and breathe him in, but I will be admitting how much I need him.

One of my hands is resting on the back of his head slowly brushing with my fingers. My other hand plays over his ribs. I can't stop myself. I need him so much. Not just to screw, but to touch and be with and look at.

I am about to lean forwards and kiss that beautiful neck when all hell breaks loose. Well the part of hell not all ready walking and breathing around this carnival of freaks.

'FBI! Everybody out and line up now!'

Jules told me to stay here. He knew this was going to happen and now I don't know if staying here is a trap or if it is for protection. 'Spencer.' I shake him gently but all I get back is a low growling.

'Now! All of you.'

Hotchner.

I would know that voice anywhere. I stay where I am with my hands barely touching Spence and listen to the sound of armed men, who I imagine are SWAT running by the entrance of my home.