Hopefully, this chapter will be worth the wait! It's extra long, so hopefully you will be pleased. This is also the first (and likely only) chapter that I'm going to start with a song. It's the song that inspired me to get off my bottom and write this story in the first place.
Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing C. S. Lewis' charming characters and world, and will eventually return them. The only thing that is mine is the plot.
Disclaimer 2: If this story in any way resembles any other fanfiction it is by complete accident, as I go out of my way to avoid reading fanfictions that resemble mine until mine are completed. My apologies to any other great minds.
Author's note: This story is set pre-, during- and post- The Last Battle. I am a first time fanfiction writer and any reviews are appreciated.
Chapter Sixteen: I Stand Alone
Don't shed a tear for me
I stand alone
This path of destiny
Is all my own
Once in the hands of fate
There is no choice
An echo on the wind
You'll hear my voice
Some choose to fall behind
Some choose to lead
Some choose a golden path
Laden with greed
But it's the noble heart
That makes you strong
And in that heart, I'm with you all along...
The olde village lanterne
Is calling me onward
Leading wherever I roam
The olde village lanterne
A light in the dark
Bringing me closer to home...
So when you think of me
Do so with pride
Honor and bravery
Ruled by my side
And in your memory
I will remain
I will forever be within the flame...
Now at the journey's end
We've traveled far
And all we have to show
Are battle scars
But in the love we share
We will transcend
And in that love, our journey never ends...
Don't shed a tear for me
I stand alone
This path of destiny
Is all my own
Once in the hands of fate
There is no choice
An echo on the wind
You'll hear my voice...
"The Olde Village Lanterne" by Blackmore's Night
It was mid-afternoon on New Year's Eve, and Peter was lying on the couch in the Pevensie living room idly debating taking a nap. There really wasn't anything else to do for a few hours. Leona had pleaded a headache and had gone upstairs to take a short nap in hopes that she would feel better for the Finchley New Year's Eve dance that night. It wasn't going to be a large party, Finchley frankly wasn't very big, but all the younger Pevensies and guests were going. With hours to be wasted before having to prepare, the couch was calling Peter's name. Wriggling into a more comfortable position under a fluffy blanket, Peter let his eyes drift closed.
Peter's dreams were downright strange, as most dreams are. He was on the beach outside Cair Paravel with his family and friends, but they were all walking on their hands! He kept trying to convince them to walk properly, but nobody would listen! Then, like a sound heard far off through a forest, a lion's roar echoed through the dream scape. Peter whirled around looking for Aslan, for surely it must be he who had roared, but Peter was suddenly alone on the Narnian beach. His hand-walking companions had vanished.
But, no. He wasn't alone. Far down the beach, Leona knelt in the sand, sobbing. Peter tried to run to her, but the faster he ran, the farther away she seemed to be. He tried to call her name, but the sound of the waves drowned him out. He ran harder and harder...
THUMP!
Peter woke with a start, tangled in a blanket and lying half on, half off the couch. He had apparently been "running" in the waking world too, and had fallen off of the couch. He rubbed his face, trying to simultaneously wake up, and remember his dreams. They were slipping out of his mind like water in cupped hands. He could remember Leona crying, and Edmund walking on his hands, or was that Mr. Tumnus? Peter got to his feet, giving up on his dreams. He looked at the clock and was pleased to note that he had slept away two whole hours. Giving no further thought to his odd dream he wondered off in search of something to eat...
Jill wandered into the girls' room after supper with a plate for Leona. The other woman had laid down a couple of hours before with a headache and hadn't come downstairs for supper, but the dance was in an hour, so Mrs. Pevensie had sent Jill up to wake her.
"Leona?" Jill called softly. There was no one in Leona's bed, but Jill heard the sound of water coming from the bathroom. Jill set the tray on the small table, and knocked on the bathroom door.
"I'll be out in a moment," Leona called from inside. Jill sat down on her little cot to wait. It was only a minute or two before Leona had come out, toweling her wet hair. She had obviously showered.
"Feeling any better?" Jill asked.
Leona nodded with a little smile. "The nap and shower really helped. I don't get bad headaches often, but when they come, they don't go away for hours." She sat down and started eating. For some reason, Jill though she seemed sad, as though she had just received bad news and didn't know quite what to make of it. Jill gave herself a little shake. Leona had been sleeping all afternoon, it must simply be a remnant of the earlier headache. . .
"Do you mind if I keep you company for a while?" Jill asked, shyly. "It's a madhouse downstairs and I feel in the way. That and apparently an aunt or someone wired to let the family know that she had a baby, so they are all talking about people that I've never heard of."
Leona gave Jill a knowing smile. "I know how you feel. I am very glad I'm not the only non-family member here for the holidays. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one confused."
Putting the empty plate aside, Leona started going through her bag, pulling out a fresh dress, a hair brush and some makeup. Thinking that she too should start getting ready for the dance, Jill started going through her luggage as well.
Jill kept sneaking glances at the other woman as she prepared to dress. Leona was sitting at Lucy's vanity, brushing her hair. Jill was still rather in awe of Leona. It took a special woman to steal the heart of the High King, even if said woman knew nothing of Peter's alter identity. Leona always seemed so in control of herself, and she was very pretty, particularly if she bothered to go to the effort of making herself attractive. Jill let out a sigh of envy as Leona effortlessly braided and pinned her long hair up in an elegant crown.
"I wish I could get my hair to look like that," Jill said, wistfully.
Leona turned to look at the sixteen-year-old. "I could do your hair for you if you like," Leona offered.
"Oh, would you?" Jill said happily. "I really want to look nice tonight."
Leona got an amused look in her eyes. "There wouldn't be anyone in particular that you would like to look nice for, would there?"
"No one," Jill said, a little too quickly.
Leona smiled, and gestured for Jill to take her place at the vanity. "No one? Well, I happen to know a 'no one' who is about sixteen, also a visitor, goes by the last name of Sc-"
"If you're just going to tease me," Jill said, turning red. "I can do my hair myself!"
Leona chuckled, and looked Jill's reflection in the eyes. "By the time I'm through, you'll knock his socks off!"
Jill smiled back as Leona started twisting and playing with her shoulder-length hair, turning it this way and that, deciding what style would work best. Jill watched in silence as the older woman started braiding parts of her hair. Suddenly, Jill noticed that Leona looked incredibly sad and almost ready to cry.
"Is everything all right?" Jill asked.
Leona came out of her thoughts with a start. "Oh, yes. It's just that this has been the most wonderful holiday, and it's coming to an end so soon."
"True," Jill said. "But just because something is ending, doesn't mean that you shouldn't enjoy it while it lasts."
Jill could see Leona square her shoulders, and say, more to herself than to Jill, "Take advantage of the time you have rather than waste it grieving for the day that it all ends. Nothing is set in stone..." Then louder, "You're right, Jill. I should enjoy this night as much as I can."
Jill was a bit confused at Leona's strange mood, but felt that it was none of her business and dropped the subject.
Peter was alone in the boys' room dressing for the dance. He had finished and was sitting on the bed rolling a lion-headed ring in his hand, thinking of the woman who's finger it should grace. His father had told him once that you can spend all the time in the world with someone, but you never truly know them until you have lived with them a week. It was true. Peter had learned quite a bit about Leona in the week since she'd arrived. She was not a morning person and required at least ten minutes after waking before she was completely coherent. Her hair was a frizzled mess when she woke up and she had a scathing tongue when annoyed. She was also annoyed when she was woken too early! She was gentle, wise, and given to introspection at the oddest times. She could never remember where she left things, but would never forget a face. She was also the one person that Peter knew he could no longer contemplate living his life without.
Peter no longer wanted to wait until after the holidays to tell Leona about Narnia. He didn't want to propose until she knew. I'll tell her as soon as I get the chance, Peter thought to himself. If she doesn't believe me, I'll ask the others to back me up.
Peter rose to his feet and went to his luggage to put the ring back in its velvet-lined box. His hand was on the box when he changed his mind. He tossed the box back into his suitcase and put the ring in his pocket before he could change his mind again, and left the room. He would tell Leona tonight. After that, it was in Aslan's paws.
Peter waited at the foot of the stairs with Edmund. The girls would be coming down in a minute and they would all leave for the dance together. Edmund leaned against the wall, tugging at the collar of his shirt. Edmund had no real 'date' for the dance and was going to escort Lucy, if only so that no other enterprising rogue could do so. Edmund unreservedly hated any boy that Lucy brought home. Edmund unreservedly hated any boy that Susan brought home as well, but Susan frankly didn't care what Edmund thought of her choice in companions. She roundly ignored the dark looks that her younger brother would shoot at any hapless male she entertained. Lucy didn't help matters by eventually agreeing with Edmund on every boy that she had been courted by. Edmund had taken Lucy's discarding of every boy who did not meet Edmund's exacting scrutiny as a confirmation of his exquisite judge of character. Peter felt that the girls were perfectly capable of deciding who they spent their time with, but had no qualms about informing any would-be suitors that if his sister was hurt, Peter would insure that the girl was not the only one crying by the end of the relationship.
Susan was the first girl ready, for a miracle. She hurried down the stairs in a flurry of cloth and perfume. "Are we leaving soon? I'm meeting Howard at the dance."
Edmund looked darkly introspective. "Howard? Isn't he the one with the squint?"
Susan glared at her brother. "He does not squint, but yes, that would be him." She continued down the hallway into the kitchen.
Lucy wasn't far behind Susan and came to stand next to the boys.
"I'm ready! Where is Eustace?" Lucy asked.
"In the living room, he keeps retying his tie," Edmund said.
"Well, get him out here! Jill will be down any moment!" Lucy hissed, excited.
Shaking his head at the insanity of girls, Ed complied and dragged his cousin out to wait with the others, and slapped at the younger boy's hands when he wouldn't stop fussing with the tie.
"You look fine," Ed said, impatiently. "Leave it alone!"
Eustace started to snarl something back when he froze. Jill was coming nervously down the stairs, and she looked lovely. Her hair was half up, and half down, with curls framing her face. Eustace looked as though he stopped breathing for a moment. Peter smiled and surreptitiously gave his cousin a nudge to get him moving again. Broken from his trance, Eustace puffed out his chest, met Jill at the bottom of the stairs and offered her his arm.
Faintly blushing, Jill took the offered appendage and then turned to Peter. "Leona will be down in a second, she's almost ready." Then she followed Eustace into the kitchen to wait with Susan.
Edmund was bitting his lips to keep from laughing. Eustace had looked so self important that it was positively hysterical. Lucy grabbed her brother's chin and made him look at her.
"If you even think about teasing either one of them," Lucy said, sternly. "I will make your life miserable. Understood?"
Seeing the steel in Lucy's eyes, Edmund nodded. "Yes, Ma'am!"
"Good, now let's go join the others," Lucy said, leading Edmund into the kitchen, leaving Peter alone to wait.
Peter turned back towards the stairs and froze. Now he knew what Eustace felt like. Leona was coming down the stairs and Peter could have sworn that he had never seen her look more beautiful. He rarely noticed what Leona wore, but tonight she was in a purple satin dress with her hair up, the braid wrapping around her head like a crown. He noticed that she was wearing the pendant he had given her. He took her hand as soon as she reached the bottom and pressed a kiss to the back of it before tucking it around his arm.
"You look exquisite," he said softly. He was pleased to note that she simply smiled and said, "Thank you," in response, rather than brushing off his complement as mere flattery. As he led her into the kitchen to join the others and leave for the dance, Peter had the feeling that he would remember this night for the rest of his life.
Peter took Leona's coat and hung it up for her in the coat room of the Finchley Community Center. They all had walked the few blocks to the dance as there would not have been enough room in the Pevensie's car for all of them. Peter could hear fiddles being tuned in the next room and gave Leona a smile.
"I found out that the band playing tonight is the same one that we danced to on our first date," Peter said.
Leona looked astounded at the co-incidence, but Susan spoke before Leona could reply.
"They wanted to get a more modern band, but those were all booked months before," Susan said. "This little band was the best the committee could find."
"It's perfect," Leona said, happily, but with a tinge of melancholy in her tone.
"Well, let's not stand here in the coat room all day," Lucy said. "I want to dance!"
So dance they did. Jigs and reels, waltzes and square dances. Peter noticed that Leona clung to him a bit more than usual that night, and there was almost desperation in the enthusiasm that she threw into the dances. Her smiles were a little too cheery as though she was determined to enjoy herself, no matter what. It worried Peter a little, but when he asked if she was feeling alright, she said that she was fine. He didn't really believe her, but saw no point in pushing the issue.
The band had started to play a lively jig, when Lucy turned to Peter. "We could dance the Lion's Mane to this song!"
The Lion's Mane was the name of a dance that had been popular in Narnia and Archenland in the years of the Pevensies' reign. The four siblings were used to dancing it together, as it required turns and hops that a faun or centaur could not do. It had been Susan's favorite dance. The music wasn't perfect but the beats were compatible and there would be no oddity in a "new" dance being done.
Susan was sitting a few seats away from Lucy, and Peter noticed her stiffen at their sister's comment. Lucy immediately started talking with Edmund, trying to remember all of the steps. Peter went and stood in front of Susan. There was wariness in her eyes, but also wistful remembrance. Perhaps she would be willing to try?
"Dance with us?" Peter asked softly, knowing that she would understand that he was asking for more than just a simple dance.
"Peter..." Susan sighed, sadly.
"For me?" Peter pleaded quietly. "Remember the good times for once, instead of just the bad." He held his hand out to her.
She looked at the hand for a moment, then asked, "This will not change my decision. This will change nothing."
Peter just nodded.
"You'll make sure that this changes nothing?" she asked. Peter knew that she was insuring that Edmund and Lucy would not bother her about remembering Narnia.
Peter nodded again.
Susan took a deep breath and slowly put her small hand in Peter's.
Quickly, before Susan could change her mind, Peter motioned to his other siblings to take their places. Peter saw the look of joy in Lucy's face when she saw that her sister would dance with them. Peter made a mental note to catch Lucy before she could badger Susan.
The four dancers moved in and out, weaving together, then pulling apart in an intricate but fairly easy dance that was sprightly and beautiful. It brought to mind spring flowers and summer fields, and the easy joy that comes from peace. The audience started clapping along with the beat, and soon the whole room was watching the four dancers.
Peter could not stop smiling, and neither could any of the others. This dance brought back memories of so many happy times and even Susan was smiling in delight. Peter knew as he looked into his sister's face that she could be made to remember happy times in Narnia, it just took more effort. For a few minutes they all forgot that they were in an English building in English clothes, dancing to English music. For a few moments they were in Narnia again, dancing together at some festival, and all was right with their world.
The music came to an end with a flourish and Peter spun Susan around as their dance ended. The four dancers seemed to come back to themselves as the room applauded their performance. Susan blushed. She hadn't noticed that they were being watched. She hurried to sit back down with her date, Howard. Peter caught Lucy's arm as she went past, heading for Susan, and told her to leave Susan be.
"One dance doesn't mean anything," Peter said. "Don't push her."
Lucy looked dismayed, but left Susan alone.
The night continued with dancing and talk. Peter spent the rest of the night dancing with Leona, and took pleasure seeing her enjoying herself, even if it seemed oddly forced. He wondered if her headache had come back.
It was about 11:30 in the evening when Susan came up to Peter.
"I'm not feeling very well," Susan said. "Howard's going to take me home."
"Are you sure?" Peter said. "I could walk you home if you like."
Susan shook her head. "Howard will drive me. You enjoy the rest of the night. I need to think things over."
Peter hoped that Susan was reconsidering her decision to ignore Narnia, and let her go home without protest.
Leona came up to Peter with drinks. The band was taking a quick break, and then would play one last song at midnight. To Peter's surprise the leader of the band came up to Leona and gave her a hug.
"Leona!" the woman exclaimed. "We haven't seen you in forever! I had thought you had moved."
"No, Sara," Leona said with a little laugh. "I just found other things to do."
Peter looked a bit confused, and Leona rushed to introduce him. "Oh, Peter, this is Sara. I used to sing with her band every so often, before I met you."
Peter cordially shook hands with Sara. "Hello. I didn't know that I was taking Leona away from you, or I would have insisted that she spend time with you."
"It's alright," Sara said. "She would just come and sing every so often for us." Sara turned to Leona. "You must sing tonight!"
Leona made noises of protest, but Sara would not be budged. "We will not play another note, unless you sing first."
Leona looked a little exasperated, but agreed. "What would you like me to sing?"
Sara thought for a moment. "That one song that you told us you wrote! I can't remember all the words, but the tune was beautiful." Sara hummed a few notes and Leona nodded, recognizing the song.
"I suppose that is as good a song to say good-bye with as any," Leona said. She let herself be dragged away from Peter and up the the front of the room. Peter saw her accept a guitar from one of the players and she sat down on a chair someone brought for her. The room quieted as people noticed the beautiful woman preparing to sing.
Leona started plucking out a simple tune on the guitar, and Peter could see Edmund, Lucy, Eustace and Jill come to stand beside him and watch.
Leona started to sing. Her song was that of a person standing alone; in the face of danger, adventure or even death was left to the audience to decide. The song was to the loved one's left behind, with a command to not weep for the hero, for they knew what they were facing and faced it willingly. She sang of hope, resignation, and a willingness to face the world alone if need be. The words alone could be considered lonely, but Leona's voice was filled with hope. Lucy thought the song reminded her of Aslan, on that fateful night when she and Susan had followed him to the White Witch's camp. Peter was reminded of the moments before a battle, where the world seems to hold its breath, and each warrior is reminded of his own mortality and the need to fight regardless of the cost. Then Peter's world slid to a stop.
Leona lifted her head, but her eyes were closed as she sang a refrain. "The old lonely lamppost is calling me onward, leading wherever I roam. The old lonely lamppost, that light in the dark, bringing me closer to home."
Peter stopped breathing for a moment. Was it possible? Could the song that Leona had written be referring to the lamppost in Lantern Waste? Could she have been to Narnia?
Leona stopped singing and let her fingers play the chords for a moment. As the music built to a crescendo she looked up from her flying hands, and Peter was alarmed to see tears running down her cheeks, and he knew that they were not tears of joy. She started to sing again, but the song had changed. The hero was no longer facing the hazard without fear, but with the knowledge of a soldier before a battle, seeing the enemy charging towards him. There was fear in Leona's voice and as she sang a farewell, there was dismay and grief in the song. The hero may still be resigned and willing, but he did not want to face the danger alone, did not want to bear the burden by himself, but knew that he must. He stood alone. Peter felt tears in his own eyes.
Leona let her fingers slow and finally stop. There was a moment of silence before the audience burst into applause. Peter stepped quickly forward to Leona's side and saw that she was still crying. He wrapped an arm around her and led her off to a darker corner, where they were more private. He could hear her saying something that sounded like, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Peter shushed her and found a private niche where they could talk. Peter was dying to ask if Leona had ever heard of a place called Narnia, but needed to find out why she was upset first. "Are you alright?" he asked. "Why are you crying?"
She looked up at him and he felt a icy hand grip his gut. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. Her eyes were glistening pools of pain and something that was almost despair. She moved her mouth but said nothing for a moment, then she finally spoke. "I'm so sorry, Peter. I have to leave."
Peter's heart stopped. "What do you mean? Did you want to go back to the house?"
She didn't seem to hear or understand him and went on talking. "I thought we could have a lifetime together, but... I was wrong. I was wrong."
Peter was very worried now. "Leona, I don't understand. What are you saying?"
"I can't stay," she whispered, tears still streaming down her cheeks. Then she seemed to pull herself together a bit. "But I will find a way to come back. I'll return as soon as I can."
Peter grabbed her shoulders. "Leona, you're frightening me! Where are you going?"
She gave a despairing little laugh. "I can't tell you..." Then, to herself she breathed, "I can't do this..."
Peter gave her a little shake and her face hardened. She reached up and kissed him, hard, and Peter could taste the salt of her tears on his lips. Was she truly saying goodbye?! She pulled away, and looked Peter straight in the eyes.
"No matter what happens, I want you to remember one thing, Peter Pevensie. I love you, and that will never change. I will love you past the point when time has any meaning. I will return. Remember!"
Leona kissed him again, then, before he could stop her, she pulled out of Peter's grasp and slipped into the crowd, heading toward the door. Peter tried to push through the crowd to follow her, but the people were packing in tight around him and he couldn't push through as quickly as Leona had. She wasn't there when he reached the coat room and when he ran outside and looked up and down the street there was no sign of her. Leona was gone.
Susan was sitting alone at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, absently glancing at the clock, waiting for midnight. She truly did have a headache, but her mind was whirling with images. The Narnian dance she had done that night. Her coronation in Cair Paravel. The hunt for the white stag when Lucy had found the way back into England. The heart-breaking grief that all four children had felt when the wardrobe would not let them back to Narnia. The hope and joy when they had been summoned back to help Prince Caspian. The hopeful belief that this time they would be allowed to stay forever. Finally, Aslan's voice telling her that she had to leave and could never come back.
Susan felt tears leak out of her eyes at the last memory. She felt like a bird with broken wings, wanting to fly but the attempts hurting too much. Remembering the good times almost made the pain worse, since it brought home to her the fact that they were memories and could never happen again.
Susan heard the sound of a car outside the house, and then the kitchen door opened. Leona came bursting in, looking like her world had fallen apart before her eyes.
"Leona!" Susan said in alarm, rising to her feet and going to her friend's side. "Whatever's the matter? Are you alright? Where are Peter and the others?"
"I caught a taxi and came alone," Leona said. "I have to go, I can't stay here anymore." Leona brushed past Susan and headed quickly up the stairs to Lucy's room.
"Go?!" Susan sputtered. "Leona, it's the middle of the night! What's going on!"
Leona had silent tears running down her cheeks, and Susan felt a thrill of foreboding. Had Peter told Leona about Narnia, and frightened her so badly that she was running away? She knew that Peter was planning on telling Leona, but she didn't think he would actually do it. Narnia was far too wild a story to expect anyone to believe that hadn't been there themselves.
Leona had been throwing a few last minute things into her bag and pushed past Susan to go back downstairs. Susan followed, still sputtering questions. As soon as she reached the doorway, Leona stopped and looked at Susan a moment, them pulled the younger woman into a hug.
"Take care of Peter for me," Leona said. "Until I can come back."
Susan had tears in her eyes now, too. "I don't understand. Why are you leaving? This will break Peter apart!"
Leona closed her eyes in pain as though Susan's words had been a physical blow. "I don't leave because I want to. I leave because I must. Tell the others goodbye for me." She quickly turned, and before Susan could reach out and stop her, Leona slipped through the door, got into the waiting taxi and drove off into the night.
Susan stared after the car for nearly two minutes, before she heard the sound of running footsteps coming from the opposite direction. She turned and saw Peter running down the street towards the house. She stood aside to let him into the kitchen.
"Where is she?" Peter demanded as soon as he was inside.
"She's gone," Susan said, simply. She was in shock at what had just happened. She had gotten so used to the idea of Leona becoming her sister-in-law someday, and then she was gone into the night like a ghost. Peter ran up the stairs three at a time and looked into Lucy's room. He went even paler when he saw Leona's things missing. He ran back downstairs and demanded, "Did she say where she was going?"
"No," Susan said, then breaking out of her stunned stupor, she looked at her older brother and said, "What have you done?"
Peter pulled back, surprised.
"You told her about Narnia, didn't you?" Susan accused, coming around to face her brother. "You idiot! You can never leave well enough alone, can you --"
"I told her nothing, she got upset about something and just took off!" Peter said, confused by Susan's accusations.
Susan went on as if she didn't hear him. "What else would drive her off like that!"
Peter's temper finally snapped. "I don't know!!" he roared at his sister. Susan jumped back in fright. Peter rarely shouted, and never at her. Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie came running down the stairs at the noise, demanding to know what was going on, and adding to the general confusion. Susan quickly told them what Leona had done, and they all looked to Peter in dismay.
"What happened?" Helen asked her son.
Peter ran his hands through his hair, breathing hard. "I don't know," he repeated. Then, turning, he grabbed an electric torch off of the counter, and opened the door. "But I intend to find out." With a flurry of cold wind, Peter left the house. Forgotten, the clock in the hall chimed midnight.
TBC...
Author's notes for chapter: I do believe that this is my first real cliffhanger! :) If everyone is going "what the?" I have done my job. Don't worry, I'll explain everything soon. If it makes you feel any better, I should have the next chapter up in a little over a week. I've already got it outlined. Oh, and before anybody asks, Peter's dream does have significance later on in the story. Review and let me know what you think!