Okay, this chapter comes with some warnings. This chapter is intense, with major character death and heavy religious overtones. No particular religion, just religious (you have no idea how hard it was for me to keep it generic). If you don't like that, I don't particularly care. I'm not changing it. :P the mention of a giant's club crushing Peter's chest is a tribute to Almyra's wonderful fic "For Ever Kneel'd". I won't have any author's notes at the end, since I don't want anything detracting from the ending, so please remember to review! I really, really, really want to know what people made of the chapter, particularly the ending.

Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing C. S. Lewis' charming characters and world, and will eventually return them. The only thing that is mine is the plot.

Disclaimer 2: If this story in any way resembles any other fanfiction it is by complete accident, as I go out of my way to avoid reading fanfictions that resemble mine until mine are completed. My apologies to any other great minds.

Author's note: This story is set pre-, during- and post- The Last Battle. I am a first time fanfiction writer and any reviews are appreciated.

Chapter seventeen: Tears of the Soul

"Tell me again," Peter said in a would-be calm voice. "Why you were playing rugby on a frozen, slippery field, in the middle of winter?"

Edmund glared back up at his brother from his miserable position on the living room sofa, left knee encased in bandages. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," he replied peevishly.

Peter ran his hands through his hair. This was turning into the day from hell. He had run out of the house looking for Leona the night before and staggered back home just before dawn, freezing cold and empty-handed. He had wandered up streets and into parks, looking for anyone who had seen a young woman walking alone. Nobody had. When it had gotten to the point where he was so exhausted and cold that he couldn't go any further he had returned to the house, hoping beyond hope that she had changed her mind and come back. She hadn't.

He had stayed only long enough to collect the car keys and then drove anywhere in Finchley that he thought she might be. He had visited the taxi station first, hoping that the taxi driver could tell him something about Leona's whereabouts, but after waiting for hours for the driver to come on shift, all the man said was that he had driven her to the center of town, then she had wanted to be left on a corner, saying that she would walk the rest of the way. But the rest of the way to where?

Peter had then gone to the local homeless shelter, the hospital and then the police station. No one had seen her. His head whirling from dismay, confusion and exhaustion, Peter sat in the car thinking. Where could she have gone? There were no trains until tomorrow. She simply couldn't have left town. Finally having to admit defeat, Peter drove home. Leona had vanished into thin air.

Edmund and the others had helped look for Leona as long as they could, but Edmund had arranged to meet his workman friend and get the uniforms that he and Peter would need for their trip to London tomorrow to get the magic rings. Had it really been only eight days since they had seen the vision at dinner and first planned to send Eustace and Jill into Narnia? It seemed like years ago and another world to Peter.

Then, Peter had returned home to find all their plans ruined by a single slip and fall. Lucy had told him that Edmund had met his friend at the rugby field and stayed to play a game, apparently to show that the uniforms were no big deal; something meant for a prank. But, he had fallen and wrenched his knee.

Peter ran his hands through his hair again, trying to bully his tired mind into thinking. Planning. He was suppose to have gone with Edmund to London for the rings, but with Leona missing, how could he possibly leave? She could be hurt somewhere, or Aslan knows what else...

"I'm so sorry, Peter," Edmund said quietly. He had failed his older brother once again.

Peter paced back and forth in front of Edmund's seat. "I don't know what we will do about tomorrow."

"You stay here and look for Leona. I'll manage somehow on my own."

Peter snorted softly. "You can barely walk, let alone use a shovel. No, we will just have to postpone trying to get the rings."

Edmund sat up straight. "Postpone! Peter, the younger two leave for school on the third! There is no other time we can do it. Narnia needs help! We may have dallied too long as it is!"

Peter sank into a chair and buried his head in shaking hands. "I can't leave, no matter what Narnia needs. Narnia has many heroes, Leona only has me. Oh, Aslan, why did she leave? I don't understand . . ."

Edmund looked at his brother in dismay. He had never seen Peter this broken before. Peter had always been the strong one, unless someone he loved was in danger and he couldn't help. Then he simply fell apart. But never to this extent.

"You haven't slept or eaten since last night," Edmund said. "Go get something to eat and then sleep. There is nothing more you can do tonight. Leona is a smart girl. I'm sure that wherever she is, she's safe. Go. Rest."

It was a measure of Peter's distraction that he obeyed without question. After a few bites of a sandwich that tasted like sawdust in his mouth, Peter went to bed, not even bothering to change out of the clothes he had worn to the dance. He lay awake for a while, his mind still spinning dizzily with questions and worries. He heard Edmund and Eustace softly talking outside the room.

"Is everything still happening tomorrow?" Eustace asked.

Edmund didn't reply for a moment then said, "Yes, but Peter is staying here. He needs to find Leona."

"But your leg?" Eustace questioned.

"I'll manage," Edmund said shortly.

"Edmund . . ."

"I said I'll manage!" Edmund's reply was sharp and brooked no argument. "Now go in and finish packing, but be quiet, Peter's asleep."

Peter rolled over to face the wall, and let his mind wander into sleep. He dreamt... or was it remembered . . .

It had been the day after the Battle of Beruna, and they had finally finished burying the dead and restoring the wounded. The army was again on the march, but this time in victory, heading to the castle of Cair Paravel, and the final fulfilling of the prophesy. The four children had been riding horses, or in Lucy's case a pony, beside Aslan. The Lion was instructing them on what it meant to be a King or Queen and what they needed to do. He spoke of working hard to live up to the standards that the Narnians expected of their monarchs. He was starting to speak of things that would need to be done immediately, such as the rooting out of the last of the White Witch's supporters, when a centaur galloped up to the group.

"Forgive the interruption, my liege," she said, bowing. "But Queen Lucy's cordial is needed among the wounded."

Lucy had been taken in hand by one of the army's healers the day before, and was instructed to use her cordial only on mortal injuries, or such that would cripple the victim. She had been wantonly distributing healing to anyone with so much as a scratch, and it took Peter's direct order to get her tender heart to give way to reason. The wounded still left were all cases that were expected to live, but apparently someone had taken a turn for the worse.

"We shall continue this conversation later," Aslan said.

Lucy awkwardly turned her pony around to follow the messenger. Susan and Edmund also turned to go, Peter getting ready to follow, but a motion from the Lion stopped him. "I would speak with you more, Peter." Obediently, he fell in beside Aslan again.

"You have the harder part," Aslan said. "The others are your equals, and you must never forget that, but the younger two are not quite old enough to truly help rule, yet. You are the one that will have to bear the load of leadership from the start, and your people will expect you to make good decisions and wise laws."

Peter felt his stomach clench. "But, I don't know anything about being a King, let alone a good one..."

Aslan gave a lion's laugh. "I have faith in you. You will not fail. But, I will tell you what is expected of a High King, or any King for that matter. He will strive every day to better himself as a man. This is not a job that will allow for laziness, but that does not mean that it does not allow play. He will know that it is only by my will and that of the people that he is King. It is a calling, and demands nothing less than self sacrifice. A true King will put the needs of Narnia before his own. "

The Lion stopped and looked Peter in the eye. "Will you be that kind of King?"

Peter took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, the strength and courage that he had found within himself in battle coming to the fore once again. "I don't know, sir. But, I swear to you that I will do my best."

Aslan looked pleased, but offered a warning. "There will come a time when you will be torn between doing something that you want, even want desperately, and something that this kingdom needs. Do you understand what you must do?"

Peter nodded. "I will not fail you, sir."

Peter felt the dream slipping away, but before it ended, he heard one last sentence from Aslan.

"Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen..."

When Peter woke the next morning, he knew what he must do. He shed a single tear for opportunities lost and from a pain that he felt more keenly than any mortal wound, because it felt as though he was choosing Narnia over Leona. Picking up his suitcase, he went downstairs to join Edmund to head to the train station.

Susan stopped Peter on his way out of the door. Edmund continued onward to put the bags in the car.

"I just wanted to apologize for snapping at you last night after Leona left," she said, looking at her feet. "I was worried, and I jumped to conclusions. I'm sorry."

Peter gave his sister a hug. "It's alright. Just ask what's wrong before accusing me of things, next time."

"Find her," Susan said simply. "I don't know what went wrong, but she's the best thing to happen to this family since Dad came home from the war."

"I will," Peter said. "She did say she would come back. I just hope that she can. I hate not knowing what made her run."

Susan looked a little uncomfortable. "So, Lucy and the others will be joining you and Edmund in London tomorrow?"

Peter nodded. "Did you want to come along?" he offered.

She shook her head. "I'm looking forward to having the house all to myself for a few days. Mum and Dad are leaving tomorrow too. They are going to Bristol to visit Aunt Carrie and the new baby."

Susan gave her brother an embrace. "You better get going, or you will miss the train to London. I'll see you when term ends."

"I'll see you when term ends," Peter repeated. "Take care of yourself, alright?"

Susan nodded and Peter went to the car to join his brother.

It was a fairly short trip to London, but the two men spent a good deal of time trying to find a hotel to stay in overnight. The Professor's old house was on the opposite side of London from Peter's college, and most of the hotels were still full from the holidays. They finally got a room, quickly changed into the workmen's uniforms, and left to get the rings.

It was surprisingly easy to dig them up. The house was unoccupied, and no one questioned the presence of two men in uniforms digging in a garden. Peter had to dig several holes and was beginning to worry that they would be looking all day, but then he heard the clunk of the shovel hitting wood and unearthed the little box in which the Professor had hidden the rings. Peter opened the box and looked at the rings for a minute. They were plain metal and had either a green or yellow stone set in them. But, they shone far too brightly to be ordinary, and seemed to call to Peter to put them on. He blinked and gave himself a little shake. Before he could fall prey to the rings' call again, he poured them into a cloth bag that Edmund had brought for that purpose and put the bag in his pocket. He then put a few pounds in the box and re-buried it.

The two men left quickly and headed back to the hotel. Peter could see Edmund limping and his face showed signs of pain, but younger king didn't even think of complaining.

Edmund decided to wait at the hotel and rest his leg while Peter left to send some wires. He sent one to the Pevensie house, to tell Lucy that they had been successful and that he and Edmund would meet them at the train station. Then, he sent one to Leona's flat in hopes that she would be there and would at least let him know that she was alright. Finally, he sent one to Leona's employer, Mr. Marker, asking if he would let Peter know if Leona contacted him. With nothing else to do, and night coming on, Peter got some food to take to the hotel and went back to wait with Edmund.

Lucy sat on the train seat with Jill and Eustace beside her. The Professor and Aunt Polly sat in front of them and all five of them fairly quivered with excitement. Soon, now, they would meet Peter and Edmund at the train station and Jill and Eustace would get the rings. Then they would all separate; Digory and Polly would each go their own ways to their homes, Jill and Eustace would board another train for their school, and Lucy would stay overnight in London, then return home when Edmund and Peter went back to their respective colleges.

Lucy thought back to that morning. In the flurry of departures, she had cornered Susan and asked her if she wanted to come along. Susan had laughed, and said that Peter had asked the same thing. Her answer was still, "No." Nonetheless, Susan still helped by packing lunches for everyone and gave Lucy a hug before they left. Lucy sighed at the thought of her sister. Susan was still bound and determined to deny the reality of Narnia. Lucy supposed she could understand not wanting to remember sad times, but that didn't mean that they should forget the good times as well!

The train pulled to a halt outside of a station. The next stop was theirs, so the five Narnians waited patiently for the train to start up again. This trip had been full of delays. They had been forced to wait for almost an hour in a dingy station for the tracks to be cleared of ice, so they were well behind schedule. She hoped that Peter and Edmund would still be waiting when they actually arrived.

Lucy looked around the train absently, and noticed someone's head a few seats away that looked surprisingly familiar. She got to her feet and went to investigate.

"Leona?" Lucy said in disbelief.

Leona turned her head with a start. "Lucy? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask the same of you!" Lucy said sharply. "Peter's been a wreck since you left! How could you just disappear like that! Shame on you! I had thought better of your character. Now that I've found you, you are going to explain to Peter what all this nonsense is about. He's waiting at the next station."

Leona looked positively alarmed at Lucy's last sentence, but it didn't hide the pain in her face when Lucy said that Peter hadn't taken her abrupt departure at all well.

"He's here!?" Leona said. She looked ready to cry. She leaned down and picked up a cat carrier from the floor beside her. "I'm sorry, but I'll have to get off here then. I can't face him again, not so soon..."

Lucy looked ready to stamp her foot in frustration, but short of physically grabbing Leona there was nothing Lucy could do to stop her. Peter's pain-filled face flashed through her mind and she was tempted to slap the other girl for hurting her brother like that. Peter had always been the strong one and to see him brought low by the woman he loved was enough to make the Valiant queen furious.

Jill sat uneasily in her seat watching Lucy and Leona. She wanted to get up and plead with Leona to stay as well, but as Peter's sister it was Lucy's job to handle the situation.

"But why?" Lucy burst out. "Why do you have to leave him? Peter loves you, like I've never seen him love anyone before."

Leona had silent tears flowing down her cheeks. "I don't leave because I want to, Lucy. I leave because I must."

"Why must you leave?" Lucy asked again.

"I can't tell you," Leona said in a soft wail. She turned to leave the train car.

"Answer me one question then," Lucy said. Jill saw her glance quickly around the car for eavesdroppers, of which there were many, then whisper a question in Leona's ear. They were too far away for Jill to hear it.

Leona pulled back and looked as though her heart was breaking. "Do you think anything less could keep me from Peter?"

Lucy turned white and looked stunned for a moment. Leona took advantage of the other woman's surprise to push past her out of the car and vanish into the crowd outside.

Lucy sat back down in her seat, not speaking to anyone. She looked incredibly troubled, and at the same time, excited.

"What did you ask--" Jill started to say, but Lucy interrupted.

"Shush! I'm trying to think." Then in an undertone, "This changes everything, but how?"

Jill was dying of curiosity, but Lucy would not say a word and finally snapped rather sharply at Jill when she wouldn't stop questioning. Jill turned and faced the window instead, since Lucy obviously was unwilling to talk. Maybe later in the trip, she would try again.

A silent half an hour later, the train started moving again and quickly picked up speed.

Peter and Edmund had patiently waited at the station, until an hour had come and gone with no sign of Lucy or the others, and Edmund went up to the ticket agent to ask if there had been many delays.

Sure enough, there had been.

"There was ice on the tracks back in Finchley," the agent said. "That train was slow getting out of the station, but it should be here in a few minutes. You should be able to see it coming from outside."

Eager to do anything to alleviate their boredom, both men went outside to wait. There was a large church across the plaza and Edmund looked up at the stained glass over the front steps.

"You know," Edmund said, conversationally, "If there were delays in Finchley, Mum and Dad might be on the same train as Lucy and the others."

"Really," Peter said, completely uninterested. He simply wanted to pass on the rings and get back to finding Leona. No responses had come from his wires the day before and he was right back to where he had started: the middle of nowhere.

Knowing when conversation just wasn't needed or appreciated, Edmund looked around again. Those church windows kept catching his eye... Then he noticed someone walking up to the church. A very familiar someone...

"Peter," Edmund said in disbelief. "Is that Leona?"

Peter whirled around to look at the figure across the plaza. Sure enough, with a cat carrier in her hands, Leona was walking up the street towards the church. Peter's heart jumped into his throat. He started to run towards her, shouting her name.

At the sound of her name, Leona turned. Peter had only run a few yards but wasn't too far away to see the look of horror and fear on her face. But, she wasn't looking at him.

The air was suddenly filled with the hideous scream of metal grating on metal and an ungodly crash. Peter spun around and the world slowed to a stop.

He could see Edmund looking towards the train tracks, and the train that had taken the corner too quickly was flying through the air towards them. Nothing that large should move that quickly. Peter could see his brother turn to run, then the car crashed into the outbuilding beside Edmund and suddenly, his brother was gone.

Time skipped and the next thing Peter knew he was lying on his back half buried in rubble. His body was twisted in unnatural positions and he couldn't breathe. He knew he was in agony, but he somehow was floating above it. His chest was crushed. He remembered a giant's club delivering a similar injury before, in Narnia, but this time there was no cordial to ease the pain, and Peter knew that he was dying.

He could vaguely feel the rubble being pulled off of him and he gave a silent scream of pain as someone grabbed his shoulders and pulled. The world went blood-red for a moment, then he could see someone leaning over him. A woman. His wandering mind put a name to the tear-streaked face above him. Leona. Soft drops were landing on his face. Was it raining? No, the woman was crying. Peter wanted to tell her not to cry. It seemed very important that this woman would always be happy. He tried to speak but could make no noise. She smiled through her tears and leaned down to kiss him. Her lips warmed his, the only thing about him that was warm. He was so cold. She said something, but he couldn't hear her. The ground beneath his body heaved and the woman turned away, then threw herself over him, protectively. The ground shook again.

Then, reality splintered.

It was as though Peter had gone through a doorway from one world and time to another. Only it wasn't a time or world that he went to. Time had no meaning. The world of the physical had no meaning. He had no eyes, but didn't feel blind. He had no body, but didn't feel the lack. He had been stripped of everything material, even the bone, muscle and flesh that he had worn. He had been left as only himself in the most essential sense. Nothing was seen, touched or heard, only felt and instinctively understood. He was all alone, except for the Presence.

It was powerful, wise, and capable of incredible tenderness and mercy, while at the same time possessing a terrifying sense of justice. It was all around him, examining him, and Peter wondered absently why a Being this tremendous would bother with something as insignificant as him. The Being seemed amused at Peter's introspection.

"Let Us see what you have made of yourself, Son of Adam," the Being said. The words reverberated through Peter like an earthquake's roar.

Visions started showing themselves before the two of them. Peter as a child, as an adult in Narnia, as a child and then adult again in England. But, Peter did not like what he saw. The images flashing before him were not of his best moments, but his worst. Small, petty faults no longer seemed small and petty. They were shown in all their ugliness, and worst of all came the understanding of why those faults were so wrong. As image after image was shown to him Peter felt his very soul curling in on itself in shame, trying to hide from the memories. Peter talking back to his parents, neglecting his duties as a child, falling into so many seemingly small bad habits. Then came Narnia, and the failings were thankfully fewer, but instead of getting better, they became worse. The times when he had abused his position as High King, his unwise decisions, the occasions that he lost his temper, the arguments had with his siblings and others who wanted only to help him, the time he had struck his brother, the lives lost or ruined due to his damnable arrogance and foolish pride.

As the images continued to flood his mind Peter felt like he once had on the battlefield, coming out of a battle fury to find himself coated in blood. Only this time it was not blood, but his own faults, weaknesses and failings that covered him. If he had possessed a body he would have been scrubbing at his flesh in an attempt to wipe it off. But, unlike blood, these stains did not come off. Peter finally felt the lack of eyes to weep with, but his soul still wept from heartsick shame. He knew that by all justice he was damned.

The Being surveyed the miserable creature that had once been a man for a long moment. He saw the shame, the grief of heart, and true regret for the actions that caused the stain covering the wretched soul.

Peter felt the Being seem to come to a decision, and braced himself for justified condemnation. The Presence swept down on Peter, engulfing him, but instead of destruction Its presence purified his soul. The darkness covering Peter could not withstand the goodness and light facing it and vanished. He felt truly clean for the first time in his existence.

Disbelieving, he asked, "Why? If that was all I made of my life then why let me live at all, let alone forgive me?"

The Being seemed to shrug. "I wished it," It said simply. Then It seemed to smile. "And, because..."

More images flashed before Peter's eyes. His childhood kindnesses, the love he bore for his family and friends. The times when he willingly gave up some pleasure in order to help others. His generosity of spirit, his willingness to influence others to become better. His willing apology to Lucy for not believing her about a magical land in a wardrobe. The oaths that he made as High King, and then kept. His turning aside from temptations in order to best live up to the standard of knight and king. His constant encouragement to others when their spirits fell. The clever and wise decisions he had made. The battles he had fought in the name of right and justice. The times when he had put himself between an innocent and harm, sometimes taking grievous hurt because of his selflessness. Each blow he had struck in battle, and each blow struck to him, counted in his favor. His mercy to his foes in battle and his many acts of forgiveness. The many times when he had fallen into some fault, but got to his feet again.

As these new scenes were shown to him Peter felt like he could lift his head. He knew that he was anything but perfect, but he had tried.

"Ah, you understand!" the Presence said. "Perfection is a goal in which the real accomplishment is not in the achieving, but the journey. Now, you are needed elsewhere, if only for a short time before your reward. Well done, Peter, Son of Adam. Well done, High King over all the Kings of Narnia."

Again, the Presence swept down on Peter, enfolding him in a welcome and love so intense that Peter was grateful he had no body, for his heart would surely have stopped from the joy. In that brief second, (or was it an eternity?) Peter knew that he would not remember this experience. The human mind was not made to comprehend mysteries of this magnitude.

Then, Peter found himself flat on his back in a bright sunlight, with the last thing he remembered being Leona's tears on his face and the feel of her warm lips on his cold ones.

TBC...