Picnic and BBQ

They told me it was a camper van.

The only thing camp about it is I can screw Spence in the back of it.

I need to keep moving. I need to say mobile. I cant afford to be found. All the time there is the thought that this thing which I am trying so hard to protect is going to be taken from me again. He knows the threat didn't work. Next time he will do it properly and whatever damage he has begun to do to me will be complete.

I need to contact Emily. Let her know I wont be back…for a while. I will return, just not yet. I have someone's cell phone I picked from a pocket and I'm about to hit the freeway; a good time to make the call to mama.

I've pulled over onto a hard gravelled area and I sit in silence for a while. I can hear Spencer moving around in the back of the van and the occasional yelp. He was crying earlier. I could hear him, but I didn't go and comfort him. I am trying to pull back. I got too involved. That is the problem. But now I don't know what to do. I can't not have him, yet I cant let this get to me.

This cell phone is pink and when I flip it open it has a picture of a dog as the wallpaper. I wonder if I should call her at home though. She'd be working now. Not that it matters in the end. Either way she is going to be pissed off with me. Actually thinking along those lines calling her at work is probably better. At least she wont scream at me. HAHA

I know her cell number and so that is the one I punch in now. They might well trace it, but I have every intention of being well gone by then.

I heard her voice on the other end.

'Hey.' I say and there is silence. 'It's me.'

I know who it is.

So she can hear me. 'I wanted to explain some stuff.'

You are unbelievable.

'It wasn't me. It was a turkey baster darling.'

Where are you?

'I can't tell you that, but I need to say I'll be away for a while. I'm in mourning. I need to hide my butt away and grieve and recover.'

More silence.

'I'll be back before you have her.'

There will be no "her" Floyd. I'm terminating this.

'You are killing our love child?'

No, I am getting rid of this infestation. Where are you and who are you grieving for?

It is my turn to be silent.

Floyd!

Her voice has risen. People are listening in. Hotchner is there. I can sense him

'Fine, if that is how you want it Em.' And I cut the connection. I pull the back off the phone and remove the sim card and chuck the phone out of the window. 'Bitch.' I mutter to myself and I want to go back and look at my cargo but I can't now. Now I have to get going. I listen out for him but he is silent now. Maybe sleeping, I dunno and I shouldn't care.

I start up again and pull out and head north again in the traffic. Whatever Emily decides to do I have no control over now. I can't go back and demand she keeps it. I can't go back and offer to be a doting father. I actually don't want that. I am driving erratically and too fast. Be careful – calm down, you don't want to get pulled over.

-o-o-o-

It was Garcia's idea.

We gathered together at the park down the road from Spencer's apartment and she laid out a big red and white cloth on the grass and Morgan had a ball to kick around and Emily brought a cd player with music – happy music.

Too long we have spent not talking about it. Not wanting to admit it, but this was it. Today we are going to read to each other and kick that darn ball and eat everything bad for you. Today we are saying – not goodbye, that is just too final, but more of a "See you when you get back." As though he was going away for while. We all have our own theories of what happened to Spencer. I see Garcia sometimes just standing looking out at where his desk used to be and big wet trails will slide down her face from behind her glasses. She has no doubts what happened. We all know that there was too much blood. We all know that the man had happily killed a child and we all know that Floyd had something to do with it, but if in a good or bad way I don't know. I really don't know.

Emily is sitting on the cloth with her shoes kicked off and her legs crossed. She is talking to Todd who never really knew Spencer but she is more here just because she is part of the team now. Dave is opening a bag of candies and Morgan has stopped kicking the ball and is looking through a book.

'I'll go first.' He tells us as they settle back down and I stand. I can't sit and relax and say my goodbye's like this. Something is wrong. Something is missing and I cant put my finger on it. I can hear his mellow voice sounding loud and clear and he reads some Poe and Pen is chewing a toffee and they look content and almost happy.

That feeling that something is wrong though won't go away. For a few more minutes I watch the team on the rug listening to Morgan but I can't join them. I can't relax.

I can't say goodbye or celebrate a loss. I'm not ready.

Slowly I turn a circle where I stand, searching for the wrongness and I see it almost immediately and I think it sees me too. A figure crouched in the shadows of the trees in the distance. Again I glance at the team and without another word I walk towards to person crouching there waiting. Waiting for what? – I'm not sure.

I was expecting Floyd. This is not what I was expecting. When I am within about twenty foot of him he stands and I see immediately it's not Floyd and I know it can't be who it looks like so I stand and stare at him. He stares back at me.

'I wanted to say goodbye.' His voice is rough and croaky. Considering who this is he shouldn't be talking at all. I glance behind me and see the others now have shifted places and Garcia seems to be reading something.

'Why would you want to say goodbye?' I take a few steps forward trying to get a better look. This person is in a long dark coat with baggy jeans and a red and white striped Tshirt. He's got on a pair of black Keds and what appears to be fingerless gloves. His hair is thick and dark and very dirty and hanging over a grubby face.

'Well it's like the end of something you know? I wanted to make sure you all knew. I wanted to see you in pain.'

I take another step forwards. 'Why?' I know I can't be talking to who this seems to be and I do wonder briefly if I am here at all or if I am in actuality asleep somewhere.

'Cos you failed to protect me and that failure caused the pain you are in now. Do you know how many people cried when I died?'

'You are not dead.' I tell him.

'Do you know how many people missed me? I just wanted to make sure someone missed Spencer. I wanted to see you hurting and in pain cos it makes me feel better.'

'You didn't die.' I tell him again.

'He took my damned head off…of course I bloody died! Christ Aaron, how can you deny that? Look.' And he pushes his hair back and tips back his head to show me the most revolting scar I've ever seen. 'It goes all around, if you want to see. Dad sewed it back on. He's good like that. He has a few talents. That's one of them.'

I go to take him by the arm, but he is quick and jumps back out of the way. 'I'm not going anywhere with you. You and your lot cause trouble. You caused me trouble. You harassed my family.'

I drop the hand I was going to grab him with and now I have a frown on my face, though I have good idea what he is talking of. 'The Carnival? Floyd was there?'

'We both were. But you were blinded to it. They saw to that. You might have upset a lot of people but you didn't find what you thought you would did you? You didn't find any lost boys and girls and you certainly didn't find Floyd or Spencer.' And now he is turning and walking away from me.

'Spencer was there?'

'No, not Spencer. He is long gone. You know that. Isn't that what this party is all about? That's why you didn't find anything Aaron, that's why there was nothing to find. You lost the family money. You lost them time. I have to go now. Work to do. I just wanted to come and see your sorrow. I wanted to see how you miss him. A shame he'll never know.' He turns back to me and I am wondering still if this is real or if I am sleeping. 'I'd have known. I'd have felt it inside me if I'd been missed. You Aaron, you felt something. I know that. Dad was just pissed off, but you felt something.' And he is turning again. 'I'm not going back to the Carnival. Don't bother looking for me. They disowned me when they got rid of dad.'

'Sam.' I start to follow him into the tree line but somehow he seems to be fading. 'Sam, where are you going?' There is something there, he was right. Some sort of responsibility I feel for him. I don't like that he is just leaving. I know what he did. I know that he killed that innocent girl, but now I know that locking me in the back of the car for all that time was not him.

'Hotch!' I can hear the voice calling behind me. Morgan's voice and so I walk quicker trying to keep up with Sam, but the further away from here he goes the more difficult it is to make him out.

'Sam!' I call to him, but now there is nothing but shadows and a fresh voice behind me.

'Are you OK man?' And hand is on my elbow gently touching.

I turn slowly to him. 'I thought, I thought I saw someone I knew.' And Derek nods and looks like he knows what I am talking about but obviously he doesn't. 'I wondered if it was a dream.' I mutter as I walk back out of the small wooded area and back over to the team, Morgan staying firmly at my side and acknowledging looks we are getting from Dave and Emily.

-o-o-o-

What we need is to start over and that is going to take a lot of time and a lot of hard work for both of us. For now…this is what I am having to do. I climb into the back of the van and I'm ready now for if he attacks and he has a couple more times, but I'm not going to smack him around. I shouldn't have hit him. I know that. I need to regain some trust but his mind's gone. I'm still trying to pull him back again to where it was before, cos I know it's there somewhere, hiding, but there. This then is my M.O. for now. I bring with me a drink.

'Here I have a drink for you.' I will say and he will either willingly take it or he will curl up and refuse it. Actually he hasn't done the willingly taking of it yet, but that will come eventually. I drag him out of his dirty corner and it is beginning to stink in here. Even for me it's stinking. So yeah…I drag him out by his feet and he struggles and wriggles and I have to make sure he is on his back. I'll talk about his scars later. Anywa I pull him out then I straddle him over his stomach. He will slap and claw at me and I will ignore it and take one of his hands in mine and just hold it. I'll do nothing. I'll just sit there and look at his face and hold his hand and gradually he becomes less frantic and after about half hour he is still and has stopped trying to get me off him. Then I offer the water again. He will refuse it and I will tell him, 'Babes you have to drink.' And sometimes I will see tears forming in his eyes and other times there is nothing, but those days I see those tears are the best, because that means a little bit of Spencer is there and understanding what is going on here. I'll let go of his hand now and sometimes he moves it and rests it on me. On my arm or on my chest or shoulder of something, just you know, just touching me gently, not pushing me away, and usually that is on the days I've seen those tears. Other times he will gently, try to push me away, but it's half hearted. He knows by now that I'm not going away and I think he knows I'm not about to hurt him, not like before. A sort of trust builds up before I shatter it again by forcing the liquid down him. Once…just the once he took hold of me. His fingers curled around my clothing and he held me and pulled me closer and I thought he was going to say something and his eyes seemed to know what was going on…Then as quickly as it was there, it was gone again. Once, but that is better than never don't you think? The drink is drugged. It sedates him and lets me do what I need to do with him. Not that – no – I've been leaving him alone. I want him to know who I am before I have him. I roll him onto his front and inspect his back. The lettering is quite clear now. Mostly it is along his spine and it says "filth, whore, dog, scum" amongst other things. I'm trying to heal it, but it's slow. I try to keep him clean, but as I said this place stinks. We need somewhere else. Somewhere for to stay at night. Every night. Somewhere safe and secure, but I don't want to be like an old married couple. Not yet anyway. I need to find that place first.

Now he is sedated I will lay there and just hold him for a while. No struggling or shouting and no crying and moaning. He just lies there with me and it's the best part of my day.

When he is sleeping I'll restrain him. I need to go out and do stuff. You know, Floyd type stuff. So I'd have parked up somewhere handy then I'll go find what I need.

It's not the same though. That quick few minutes against a wall or on my knees or however I need it that night, it's not the same as when I'm with a Spence who wants me. I will pay, or get paid and that's it, unless I'm able to pick up some slut from a bar, which sometimes I do. A quick nod and we have an agreement. Sometimes with some young lad, the younger the better if that's the way we're going, or maybe someone older who will have my arse and I'll be the slut for the night. In the end it really doesn't matter. Eventually I need to return to the stinking van and hope Spence is still in one piece.

I considered selling his arse once, but couldn't do it. I washed him up all ready for the evil act and then couldn't stand the thought of someone else touching him. So I killed the bastard and we ate him over the next few days. Obviously Spence didn't know what he was eating and I'm not going to tell him, but I cooked over open fires in the camping pull offs they have up here. No one else around this time of the year. Not this far North. Just me and my Spence, unless I've stopped in a town.

So for now I am thinking. I need to find something. Something legal. Where I can keep my eye on Spence all day and be with him at night, but still have access to boys.

I'm not going out tonight.

I'm sitting in the back of the van and he's sleeping and I am watching him and thinking what the hell to do next. I'm surprised no one has found us. I'm more than a little surprised too that the guys haven't located us. I wonder if they are even looking. What did Jules tell them? Where the hell is Sam? I know he is still around but I don't think he's with the family either. I have a feeling he is whoring too. Family trait and something I never used to admit to doing. Something though which just seems to come so damned naturally that I can't stop myself. It's my talent. HAHA!

A shop of some kind. We need a shop with somewhere to live above it, but I don't know what sort of place to get. Candy store maybe. The thought makes me smile. I can cook up my own candies and crap and we can sell it to the kids and the specials we can sell to the adults. I could even make special toys to sell…you know…dolls, made of soft peachy leather.

I lean forward and touch the back of Spencer's head. 'Hey babes…I have an idea. I think I know what to do.' And I lie down behind him and wrap my arms tightly around him and breathe in his soft smell.