A/N: A big thank you to everyone who commented last time on this. I really appreciated the response to the triangle idea, which outside of the obligatory Derek/Mark/Addison I don't usually attempt. Enjoy-
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Awaiting Elemental Breakdowns
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To say that things got easier after the midnight confession would be a lie, at least to Addison, who was convinced that even if her husband thought it was weird that they had the perfect life, he certainly didn't let it affect him in any way shape or form. He still got up after her, cornered her in the shower, worked odd shifts, sometimes forgot to tell her things like when he would be home, and made dinner on Saturdays so she could have a break. She thought the entire admission would somehow make it easier, something like splitting the guilt of sins in half, or simply reduce her fear but it seemed to do the opposite.
Spent nights on the couch, complete with stale popcorn and a rumpled blanket, were used alone and in solace for fear that maybe one day when he neglected to mention he wasn't going to be home at the right time he was actually going to be dead on the side of the road. She understood the job, liked that he enjoyed it and it appeared to be his passion in life so she let it all slide. Besides he generally called when he got a chance so she was never left waiting too long. And she wasn't concerned with him taking on a power trip or using his position as a public servant for evil. He was one of the good who made the rest look bad only in job performance and dedication to the field. The only "evil" she took issue with was that he was infallible.
If she got angry he always apologized, even now, after she told him that it was something that drove her crazy. If she wanted to read her book in quiet then he would get up from their towel and help Bryher build her sandcastle. If Kale screamed to the point of making her want to sit him down on the bench in front of the stairs (a.k.a. timeout central) and never let him get up, then Kevin would step in and assume the bad cop role. He punished, he cuddled, he fixed, he treated them all how she imagined her prince charming would.
In six years the only fault she's found is that he tends to move too quickly, but it's because he always knows what he wants (and when she wasn't positive he was more than enough for both of them). He said 'I love you' too soon, he wanted their first trip away too soon, he moved in too soon, he proposed too soon, and he wanted the wedding three months later. She loved it. It used to keep her on her toes but there are no more ways to be surprised. They've got all the kids they can have, they don't need a bigger house, he will probably never switch jobs even if he gets a non-fatal wound, and something so stupidly minor as adopting a cat would never throw her for a loop.
Life has become this monotonous pattern of wash, rinse, repeat and it's hell because in her experience when things settle something has to be done to shake it up and that has never ended well. Furthermore, complicating the mannerisms of her quote-unquote destructive side, it can't happen this time. There are two little lives that are counting on something like Mommy cheating on Daddy and Daddy running away in the middle of the night never to return again not happening in their lifetime.
And the only thing she is even remotely protective over anymore is her kids. She swore that all of the bad stuff in life would never touch them, not if she could help it. Addison understood scraped knees and broken bones and C's might make their way into history but she, herself, was going to be her level best and give them everything she had.
All of which is why the nagging feeling in the back of her mind really, really needs to lay off and get a new hobby. She picked the right guy, the great guy even and had his kids and was his wife and for some reason two plus two plus two is not equaling six.
It comes up as a negative number on the scale and it makes her think she has lost her mind entirely.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"So...Christmas?" Naomi questions, shutting Addison's refrigerator after pulling out two bottles of beer. Today is not a wine day.
"Yeah, sure." Addison grabs her drink and heads out the back door to where both of her children are playing in the breeze and fluttering sand.
"You okay?"
"Yup, I'm good." Addison slides into a chair and watches for a moment as both her son and daughter pretend to like each other and work together to build some sort of sand creature. She digs her feet into the movable surface, dragging a flimsy chair along as she goes, and plops down about two yards from the pair.
"You seem distracted."
Addison takes another full swallow and asks, "What's your least favorite thing about Sam?"
"What?"
"What is the one thing you hate?" She digs her toes into the tiny particles. The feeling never gets old, much unlike everything else. "Like does he clip his toenails in bed or drink from the milk carton?"
"Addison, it's Sam. You lived with him."
"Only for a few months, and he was on his best behavior then. He had to convince you to marry him." Addison smiles at the memory. It was very brief but fun.
"True," Naomi laughs. "He never puts dishes in the dishwasher."
"That's because you've spoiled him," Addison points out.
"Could be. What's this about?" Naomi turns to get some eye contact but her friend's wandering gaze is already studying her children.
"Nothing."
"It's about something. Come on, just tell me what he did."
"He didn't do anything," Addison shrugs frustrated.
"Well-"
"He never does anything!"
"Oh this again," Naomi sighs and settles back into her chair for the flip out. It's been happening since she met him but with more frequency now that they've gotten comfortable with their routines.
"He's not human-"
"You said he always leaves his dirty socks in his shoes-"
"He does do that but...I don't mind, I mean my house is just a huge laundromat anyway so what's another misplaced sock? I just want him to be normal. I want him to-"
"Be more like Derek?"
"No, God no," Addison interjects with a moan. "I...he's so...and I'm...me."
"He loves you Addison."
"I know that." She frowns gently. "I wish-"
"He's better than you."
"Maybe, that's not the thing-"
"Oh, you mean you don't feel inadequate?" Naomi hazards. She usually sits back, swirls whatever the night's pleasure is in its holder, and waits out the waves of anxiety. Not today.
"I...sometimes...but he's...it's a level playing field Nae. He doesn't hold anything against me. He takes what I can give and he understands when I can't."
"You've been talking to Violet too much," Naomi adds with a smile before redirecting her focus. "He's not going to take off on you Addie. He's happy and he loves his family. There's no flight risk here."
There's no risk at all, except the fact that he'll probably get shot in some random traffic stop, but Addison keeps that comment to herself. "It's not him I'm worried about."
"You shouldn't doubt yourself," Naomi tells her genuinely. "You're an amazing mother, one of the best doctors in the nation, and a caring wife."
"I know that, I do, it's just...some days it doesn't feel like...that."
"You're Addison Forbes Montgomery, you'll make it work, you always do." Naomi pats her shoulder reassuringly when she threatens Kale with the possibility of no dessert for trying to chew on the filthy red plastic shovel again.
Addison smiles in response. She never took Kevin's last name. She was tired of switching and it didn't fit. But for some reason she was so sure that he did.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Baby! You home?" Kevin yells through the house, dropping Bryher's backpack by the closet, nudging the door closed with his foot and propping up a sleeping son against his chest so he can maneuver better through the trails of trucks and little plastic ponies.
"Kitchen," Addison informs him and then turns back to the mound of dishes in the sink. It never ends.
"Guess what," he demands with a funny smile and bounce in his step.
"I don't know." Addison grins at his child-like joy. She wishes she felt like that just once a year. She hasn't been as excited as he appears to be since she gave birth two years ago. Then it was pain mixed with excitement and an enticing blend of drugs. Thinking back, it could have just been the drugs that were screwing with her head.
"Come on," Kevin urges and pecks her lips as a late hello.
"I really don't know," she pauses, "you got a promotion at work...and you turned it down again?"
"No. Better." He waits to see if she'll guess again and then gives up. "I got Christmas off. Completely off. The whole week. No on call, no nights, no weekends, no emergencies. I'm off."
"Oh." She really thought it was going to be better than that.
"We can finally go to New York Add. Spend Christmas like how you always talk about with the Central Park stuff and the cocoa and the ice skating. It'll be great and we can stop by and see your family if you want." He sees her face drop and adds, "We don't have to, just offering so when they call to yell and learn that we are in the same state they are mad at you and not their son in-law who they hate anyway."
There's the kicker she was waiting for. "That's good."
"Good? Why aren't you excited?"
"I am." She bobs her head up and down trying to prove it. "It's going to be fun. The kids will love it."
"And you," he prods.
"And me," she admits quietly.
"I didn't even tell Bry, I thought maybe you would want to." Kevin snuggles Kale closer and tugs on his white shirt when it bunches up. "I'm going to go lay him down but when I get back you can tell me about all the money you are going to blow when we get there." He winks, throws her another reassuring smile, and heads out of the room to do exactly as he promised.
Ten minutes later he reappears, snakes his arms around her waist from behind and sets his stubble ridden chin on her smooth shoulder, making sure the hair lands on the strip where her tank top covers her skin so it doesn't tickle. "You're upset."
"No."
"Bad day? Did you lose a patient?"
"No." Nothing like that, Addison mentally notes.
"You seem...lately, I don't know...I thought this would make you happy though."
"I am happy," she insists.
"More happy then. I want this to be special. We don't have to go to New York. It's a vacation, you can pick...as long as it isn't Hawaii. I don't want a tropical Christmas, we could have that here. I want snow and real trees for once. I want the kids to get to see what that means."
"New York is good."
"You lived there, and you always light up when you talk about it so I figured- if it's a bad idea I'm sure someone would willingly hand over some hours or I could just do-"
"It's wonderful."
"You aren't acting like it's wonderful," he tells her, noticing how stiff she still is in his arms. He kisses her neck, warm lips dancing toward her collarbone.
"Maybe I'm just tired Kevin, it's not like this house gets cleaned by magical little elves while we sleep." She tosses her hands into the air, sending small bubbles of dish soap flying, and pushes away from his inviting body.
He stares at her, long and hard, keeping his own temper down because that never helps anything and he really doesn't like to fight with her because she cries and he feels horrible. Avoiding the whole production is the best solution he's found so far. "I can help." He steps up to the sink and reaches for one of Kale's dirty milk cups.
"No, I'm doing it." Addison joins him, shoving her hands back into the scalding water.
"I don't mind." He kisses her temple, through the fuzzy little wisps that have escaped her once immaculate hair style.
"Where's Bryher?" Addison exhales exasperatedly.
"Homework. Something about writing A's and B's, I don't know, I stopped listening. Honestly, that child could talk for ten hours and not be exhausted or repeat herself. Clearly, she gets that from you."
"I'm going to go see if she needs help." She dries her hands, deciding that it's more advantageous to get away from him.
"Ok, wait. Come here," he instructs with a quick finger wiggle. Stepping into her personal bubble, he loops his hands around her back and squeezes lightly. "You know where to find me when you're ready to talk about it, okay?"
"Yeah." Transparent may as well be her middle name.
"One more thing," Kevin tells her as she spins around. "Let's have Chinese tonight. I feel like something take out."
"Don't order from the one on-"
"I know. I learned my lesson."
~-~-~-~-~-~
There's always been something about Christmas that makes Addison giddy with anticipation. The atmospheric shift works for her. The bright twinkling lights in window displays along the sidewalks, wreaths on doors, green branches ridiculously adorned with elegant bows and glass ornaments that sparkle and spin in the early evening light. It really can change everything. And she lets it. She relaxes and remembers to breathe, to bask in her kids' joy, to in relish her husband's need to hold her a little tighter in the city and all the activities that she has scribbled down on a nice piece of stationary.
So far they've enjoyed shopping (more accurately, the girls enjoyed it), ice skating (that only proved Kale was never going to be a hockey champion), the obligatory horse drawn carriage ride (that sent Kevin into a crazy sneezing fit), and a quick visit to the gigantic tree in Rockefeller Center (that nearly made Addison cry with the memories she never talks about). They did indeed visit her parents and let them fawn over the kids, tell her about how she was finally doing something right in her life and provide the only kind of awkward support and love that the Montgomerys could offer. Her father, finally giving into old age and retiring, shakes Kevin's hand and they savor a cup or three of spiced (spiked) cider. Her mother, insisting that Bryher be absolutely spoiled, drags all the girls to the salon for a quick pedicure while Kale busies himself with the giant firetruck that used to belong to Addison's brother (who they avoid going to see like the plague and for reasons Kevin has never been privy to).
On Christmas morning Addison surprises everyone by being the first awake and drags her children out from their beds in the adjoining room to plow through the presents under their hotel decorated tree in the living area. Kevin mumbles incoherently until he gets two full cups of coffee in him and then he wraps an arm around his wife's shoulders, smiling into her tangled hair, and trails a warm kiss over her skin telling her Merry Christmas.
Addison doesn't yell when they tear into wrapping paper and she doesn't make them hold up each gift until she can write down who sent what so she knows who to thank. She doesn't threaten taking away new toys when Kale nearly screams his head off at his sister for starting to open one of his presents because she didn't see the tag. Instead she politely grabs the box and settles him back at her feet, knowing that really all he wants to do is destroy things and then go down for a nice nap.
She does however get a little misty when Kevin gives her his gifts including a promise to try and take a larger quantity of time away from work so they can travel and be a more traditional family. She laughs it off because they both work too much but appreciates the sincerity behind the thought more than she lets on. And he smiles brightly when she hands over a few neatly wrapped and ribboned packages for his pleasure. Then they spend the rest of the day in pajamas playing, sleeping and snuggling while the sky whispers down a thick blanket of white snow for everyone to admire.
And when things draw to a close and the luggage is situated on the long carts it came up on she turns to her husband and thanks him for sacrificing a few hours to be with them for the entire holiday season, something they hadn't, until now, ever been able to achieve. Hand in hand they meander down the short aisle and get their children strapped in and ready for the long journey back to humid California.
They never do get around to talking about what was bugging Addison but as the plane climbs through the clouds it seems less and less important, especially given her laid back attitude in the last week.
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"Addison!" Naomi screeches, chasing her through the halls at the practice.
Addison turns around suddenly halting, nearly causing her friend to run right into her. "You bellowed?"
"Charlotte King needs you."
"For?" Addison purses her lips. None of her patients should be there and she hasn't heard of anything big or new coming into town.
"I don't know, she just called in a panic and demanded that we send you over. I had Dell take over the rest of your patients."
"Okay," Addison nods and begins heading back to her office to gather her purse and to call Kevin and let him know she may be late for their anniversary evening. Six years today it all happened.
"One more thing," Naomi tells her sticking her head into the doorway.
"Yeah?"
"Mark's there." Addison's face flashes in confusion and Naomi watches it clear. Before Addison can open her mouth to ask Naomi has the answer ready. "He stopped by while you were in New York and I told him to go away. He's not good-"
"That was nearly a month ago Nae!"
"I know but I thought we could sort of get around this. Anyway, he's there so...just so you know. In case you see him or something and think you are starting to hallucinate."
"You didn't tell me?!" Addison exclaims trying to follow Naomi, who purposely walks into the waiting area to greet her next patient ensuring that her friend doesn't stand a chance.
With an indignant huff Addison is whisked away by the elevator not-so secretly hoping to see her long lost "buddy".
~-~-~-~-~-~
She sticks around after the emergency surgery, which as it turned out was not really an emergency but a relatively important person telling Charlotte King to get the best damned doctor in Los Angeles to the hospital now. She paces the locker room, drags her feet in the halls and studies the OR board in search of his name. Then she gives up and decides that if she is going to legitimately only be a half hour late for her special dinner then she needed to leave ten minutes ago.
Ignoring her cellphone in her purse she opts for the stairs, checking the last possible place Mark could/would ever be. She grabs her buzzing pager and groans when she sees Kevin's cell number flash across but before she can make any headway on calling him back the person she was "not" looking for is two feet away, seated on a cold step, leaning into the railing, an juicy apple hanging from his lips and a surely sticky patient file in his lap.
One deep breath and a steady mind she straightens her back and continues forward. "Mark."
"Add-ison." He nearly jumps in surprise and wraps her in a warm hug before his mind can register that it's probably inappropriate given their history and the gleaming rock he saw on her left finger earlier today.
"Why didn't you tell me you were in town?" she demands, a hand finding her hip, a smile on her face.
"I tried," he shrugs and tosses the apple into the trash a next to the door.
"Naomi." Addison shakes her head knowingly and then they fall silent. "So...what are you...why St. Ambrose?"
"I had to get away," he tells her.
"Whose wife did you sleep with this time?" Addison jokes.
"Callie is pregnant," Mark answer softly.
"Oh," Addison steps back, out of his personal space barely aware that she was still in it. "That's great Mark. Is she-"
"It's not mine."
Addison frowns for him, knowing it's what he wants to be doing and replies, "Well, that's a relief...right?"
"Yeah, I guess." He shifts on his feet.
"She was with you...until now?" Addison asks, understanding the look on his face. When he nods she can't help but want to hug him again. Sure, he's a screw up but life could be kind more than once in a while and give him something good. Everyone deserves a second or hundredth chance.
"Something like that."
"You needed a change."
"Worked for you." Mark lifts her left hand, admiring the place where he always, though scared out of his wits most of the time, wanted to put a ring.
"I suppose it did," Addison acknowledges.
"I should get going. Surgery." He points to the door and watches as the once old flame moves out of his path. "It was good to see you Add."
"You too," she sputters as he hurries away.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Naomi, he is hurt. You should have seen his face...I've never seen Mark Sloan look like that over a woman," Addison tells her friend as they gather for lunch at an outside table. Although, provided if she had seen him after she left New York for Derek then she would know the face well.
"I don't think it's a good idea and I never said he was a horrible person who didn't have feelings," Naomi corrects her, sliding her fork into the invitingly crisp lettuce on her plate.
"I'm married. Nothing is going to happen-" Addison stops herself when she realizes how foolish of a thing that is to say. "It's...we were always friends. You remember that."
"He was in love with you then," Naomi points out.
"No. I was with Derek...and he was annoying and...no," Addison shakes her head refusing to give credit to the truth she has always feared. "I think he needs someone."
"You can't be his someone anymore Addie. He needs a new someone. I thought he and Derek were buddies again, why is he even here?" Naomi takes another forkful and tries not to notice how happy and bizarrely scatterbrained her friend seems to be over the prospect of hanging out with Mark Sloan.
"Callie cheated on him...or she's pregnant with someone else's kid...and they were together. I don't know. I didn't get much out of him."
"Shocking," Naomi mocks and sips at her lemonade. It's one in the afternoon and she feels like a drink. God help them all if this is what Mark returning does.
"I'm an excellent friend."
Naomi laughs, her mouth full. "I know." She swallows. "You can't be friends with Mark though. I know you want to and I know you don't like seeing him hurt for whatever reason but you can't do this. It's not your place and it's not fair to Kevin or the kids. Use that brain Add." She tosses a piece of bread at Addison's hair as her face falls. "It won't undo anything that happened between you two. You can't fix the past by being there for him now."
"I know," Addison sighs and pushes her salad around the plate some more. The guilt never fades. Neither does the stirring she gets in the pit of her stomach when she sees her ex-fling. These are the things she has learned in the last week.
"He's doing good. He's doing the right thing by not involving you. Don't take advantage of him," Naomi warns.
"I just wish there was something I could do."
"There is. Keep it in your pants and stay the hell away."
Addison pouts in response, making sure that Naomi gets the full experience.
As her parting last words while they search for their cars on the street Naomi offers, "Don't let this get to you. You love Kevin."
"I do," Addison smiles, pulling her sunglasses down over her eyes. She thinks she may also still be in love with Mark. She's not sure that ever went away. She's not certain she ever gave it the chance. She has no clue what is going on but she doesn't want it to stop. "I'll be good."
"Atta girl." Naomi waves goodbye, sending her friend off to finish the rest of her Saturday at home, where she belongs. With the people who support her and make her strong, not the one who makes her question everything and turn into an emotional ball of shame and regret.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Three days later Addison came up with a plan, one to save her sinned soul and a once close personal friend, and in turn it would keep them all in check. "Kevin, I invited someone for dinner, ok? A friend from New York. Remember Mark? Yes, that Mark," she explains to her husband on his lunch. "No, something simple. I can cook. No, that's alright. See you soon. Love you too. Bye."
Four hours after she tossed her phone into her purse and rushed off to buy groceries and pick up her son and daughter from the new sitter's she finds herself pulling the perfect dish off the stove. She never cooked for Mark. He never cooked for her. Mutually, they always ate out...or had simple things like peanut butter and jelly. She cooks for her family though. She does a lot of things she never used to do.
Setting the table and making sure all of the plates are straight and the silverware clean turned out to be a harder challenge than she thought but Kevin smiles at her efforts and tells her not to stress because Mark is a man and from what he understands not a man who will notice that there is china on the table as opposed to their normal dishes and flatware. The doorbell cues on time and Kevin tells her she's adorable for being nervous, clearly not understanding the implications.
"Hi, I'm Kevin." He offers his hand to Mark who shakes it heartily but can't help his eyes from wandering the place he's never seen and the photographs he is not a part of. Mark follows behind his host until they are in the kitchen and he doesn't notice that they are both grinning dumbly over the same woman. The difference is Kevin is able to approach her thirty seconds later with a kiss on the cheek and help her fill everyone's cup with their desired choice and seat their son at his special spot around the table.
"This is good," Mark mumbles softly to Addison, seated one chair away, a small girl in between them with spaghetti sauce all over her face.
"Thank you," Addison replies and nudges Kevin to help Kale with his bread when he gets impatient and begins picking out the center.
"So, Mark," Kevin clears his throat. "I've heard a lot about you."
"Oh," Mark chuckles a little. He knows nothing about this guy and these kids next to him. Guess Seattle Grace does know how to keep a secret or three when it's important. He wonders if Derek knows.
"Sorry to hear why you are in town though. That's never easy."
"Not exactly," Mark agrees, hoping to get off the topic.
"You're a plastic surgeon?" Kevin asks.
"You are like Mommy!" Bryher squeaks next to him, her mouth brimming and her words so muffled that the 'are' is virtually nonexistent. Mark looks down puzzled by the small human being.
"Yes." Mark glances at the redhead again, her hair spilling out of its pigtails. "I help people like...Mommy." He's so nauseated by the whole thing he could actually vomit, but instead he shoves more pasta in his already full stomach to save himself from having to talk.
They finish the awkward meal with discussions of work and Mark learns that Kevin is a cop, finishing his last few years on SWAT, dreading the day they make him come off the rotation and he actually has to accept a promotion. They look very happy and he's pleased that Addison got everything she should've had to begin with all those years ago but Mark would be lying if he said he didn't wish it was his face next to hers in the family portrait by the door; if he said he hadn't been thinking that Bryher really could've been their child instead.
"I was...if it's okay, do you want to go out and grab a drink?" Addison asks, clearing the table as Kevin escorts their children upstairs to get cleaned up.
"Probably not a good idea Addison," Mark nods, hating himself instantly for causing the demeanor change that's about to happen; hating even more than he knows that is what is going to happen.
"It'll be alright. We're grown ups Mark. I...you...it's...it would be easier to talk, don't you think?"
"There's nothing to say," Mark shrugs and grabs a few plates and cups to help her out.
"Don't be a sullen child Mark, I have enough of those already."
"Yeah," he accepts. "They look like a good bunch."
"They are," Addison smiles easily, "But this isn't about them. It's about you. It's your turn."
"I think I'm gonna pass. I have an early day tomorrow."
"Pass on what?" Kevin asks, joining them, one red faced little boy on his hip.
"I was just asking Mark if he wanted to go out and grab a drink."
"Show him the good spots," Kevin tells Addison, handing over their son when he reaches out for her and begins to cry.
"Exactly," Addison jumps in, siding with her husband, rubbing her son's back soothingly as he begins to wind up.
"I could check and see if Sam would watch the kids for a few hours," Kevin tells Addison looking out their kitchen window to see if their neighbor is home. In the process he catches a glimpse of her confused face. "Or...you two could go. I should probably be with them anyway, I haven't been home for bedtime yet this week."
"You sure?" Addison asks anxiously, beginning to sway from side to side in mommy mode.
"Absolutely." He snags Kale away from her and sweetly kisses her lips in reassurance before walking into the living room to distract their son from the fact that his mother is leaving him.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison leads him toward her car after deciding that since she knows where she is going and probably won't be heavily drinking that she should be the designated driver.
"He doesn't know does he?" Mark dares, reluctantly securing the seatbelt across his lap.
"He knows." Addison flicks on her headlights and reverses out the driveway.
"Not the whole story then," Mark argues and receives a challenging stare in reply. "No man would let you leave with me if they knew the whole story."
"He trusts me."
Mark saves himself from telling her that he shouldn't, especially with him, and simply comes back with, "I'm not here to be your fuck buddy Addison."
"I don't recall asking you to be." She signals onto a new street and keeps her eyes on the road. She had to have known this conversation would be occurring and yet she didn't foresee needing to come up with the right answers for some reason.
"You never do," he retorts angrily.
"Mark, listen, what we had...I'm trying to be your friend. You need a friend."
"What's in it for you?"
Addison ignores his fairly decent question because she has no answer. She doesn't even know what she wants to get from this, she just knows she has to do it. It's not even a choice. "Nothing is going to happen."
Never mind the fact that suddenly the sum of two, two and two are brilliantly illuminated as six for the first time in the last year.
~-~-~-~-~-~