She woke up in his arms, surrounded by darkness, but only savored the feeling for a moment before feeling like she was going to be sick. What had she done? She had cheated on her boyfriend. Her husband. She couldn't stop the tears, though she hated that she had to cry them. She broke herself from his hold and stood from the bed. She had to perform the humiliating task of tracking down her underwear before slipping her dress back on. He hadn't woken yet, and she couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
She had just gotten to his bedroom door when he called out her name. She couldn't turn around. If she turned around, he'd see her tears, and she'd have to see the hurt on his face as she walked away.
"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice thick with sleep.
"I have to go," she said lamely. It didn't answer his question and she knew that would infuriate him, but it was all she could come up with.
"No you don't," he insisted. He knew she didn't have work or obligations. He knew she could have stayed with him all night. He drew the conclusion that she just didn't want to.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, trying to hide the sadness she knew he'd hear anyway.
She was out the door and down the stairs before he could say another word.
----
It was nearly midnight by the time Peyton made her way back up the walkway to Brooke's house. She had been forced to walk the whole way home, not that it was that far. It had given her time to think about her actions. It had given her time to let the guilt start to eat away at her.
She wondered what it was about Lucas Scott that made her lose all control. What was it about him that had a hold on her heart and her head even after all these years. She loved Julian. She loved him. Didn't she? She had convinced herself that she loved him more than she ever loved anyone. So why the need to take care of Lucas? Why the need to take away all his pain? And why had it hurt so damn much to walk away from him when he was laying shirtless in rumpled sheets and begging her to stay?
She saw that the light was on as she approached the house, and suspected that Brooke was either waiting up for her, or had simply left the light on so she wouldn't stumble into something. She walked through the door and noticed Brooke was nowhere to be seen, so she went straight into her room and laid down on her side on the bed, still wearing the dress she'd had on all day. Well, for most of the day.
"Hey. Where've you been? I was starting to get worried," Brooke said as she made her way into the room. When she'd heard the door open, the brunette came down the stairs to check on her friend.
"I stayed with Luke for a bit," Peyton said vaguely. She knew that under the circumstances, no questions would be asked. But she still felt guilty to the point of nausea.
"How is he?" Brooke asked quietly, letting her voice show the concern she was feeling.
"I don't know," Peyton whispered. Brooke moved to sit on the edge of the bed.
"What does that mean?" Brooke's hand gently pushed the hair from Peyton's face.
"It means I don't know!" Peyton said, far too harshly. Noting the shocked look on her best friend's face, she apologized. "I'm sorry. I just...I've been trying to hold it together all day and I just can't anymore."
It wasn't a lie. She was confused and guilty and feeling emotions for Lucas that she had no business feeling. Every time she thought about him, she felt like she did as a teenager - that kind of love that was all-consuming. It was all she could feel when she remembered being with him. She thought of how their eyes met right before he kissed her, and how he intertwined their hands above her head as they moved together, and how sweet her name sounded when he whispered it through the darkness. Every time she let her mind drift back to him, there was no Julian. There was no wedding ring in her bag. There was no L.A. or job or obligation or life outside of Tree Hill. There was just love for the man who had taught her how to feel it.
And now she wished he hadn't. She wished she was numb.
She wanted to tell Brooke everything she hadn't been able to say yet. About the marriage and her comfort with Lucas and sleeping with him though every rational part of her told her not to. But she was exhausted, and when she started to cry, Brooke just climbed over her body and laid down, pulling her best friend's back to her chest and letting the girl's tears fall onto the pillow as she sobbed.
At one point, Peyton got up and ran a quick shower to try to wash away the guilt. It didn't work. She slipped into her pajamas and back into bed with her best friend, and started to cry again. Brooke knew then that there was more to the tears than just the grief, but she didn't ask questions. She just laid with her friend until sleep blessed them both.
----
Nathan strolled into Brooke's unusually quiet house around 11:00 the next morning. Almost every time he'd been there before, she had music playing, or was on the phone, or in recent days, she was talking to Peyton or Haley or both. Today was different. There was just silence, and it scared the hell out of him. He had just been getting used to the chaos.
He tiptoed to the open door of the room he knew Peyton was staying in during her visit, and he saw the two girls cuddled up together on the bed, with the blonde's back to Brooke's chest. He crossed his arms, plastered a silly grin on his face, and leaned against the doorway as he watched them. When he cleared his throat, both women stirred and Brooke looked at him through sleepy eyes.
"Who says high school fantasies don't come true?" he teased.
Peyton grumbled something incoherent that might have been a string of curses, as Brooke spoke. "In your dreams, Natey."
"You don't know how true that is," he said with a raised brow.
"Nathan!" the brunette rasped.
"Oh, come on. I am a guy. You two are gorgeous. It's natural," he said as he shrugged his shoulders.
"You're a pig," Peyton mumbled with her eyes still closed.
That was all it took for him to walk over and climb into the bed with them, laying behind Brooke and taking them both in his strong arms. The two girls giggled at his silliness, but all three of them knew that it was exactly what they needed. Lucas may have been the brother with all the right words, but Nathan was the one with the playful side that he knew how to use to cheer everyone up.
When Haley and Jamie walked into the house, they heard the laughter from the room and went to the doorway.
"OK. I know I did not just find my husband in bed with my two best friends!" she joked.
"Come on, Hales. You know this is hot," Brooke said with a kinked brow.
Haley picked up Jamie and ran towards the bed, collapsing with her friends and her husband, and laughing like none of them had in days. It almost felt normal. Nathan kissed Haley quickly and Jamie burrowed between Peyton and Brooke, and they all lay there with their limbs tangled and laughter filling the room.
It was moments like this that made Peyton wonder why the hell she ever left Tree Hill in the first place.
"Where's uncle Luke?" Jamie asked innocently. "Wouldn't be want to be in bed with Brooke and Peyton, too?"
Nathan could not help himself. He laughed. Hard. Hard enough that even the icy glare he got from all three women could not stop him.
"Haley," Brooke sang. "How do you feel about making breakfast?"
"Mmmm," Peyton added, looking at their friend with wide eyes.
"Uh, not so good, Brooke," Haley laughed.
"Why not!?" Brooke pouted.
"Firstly, this is your house, and secondly, we already ate," Haley explained, sitting up and moving so she was positioned at their feet.
"Please?" Peyton begged. "We're soooo hungry."
Both Peyton and Brooke gave their best puppy dog eyes, and Haley just laughed until Nathan gave her his as well.
"What are you doing?" she asked him.
"Maybe I'm hungry, too, Hales," he shrugged.
"We just had a huge breakfast!"
"So," he scoffed. "I'm a growing boy!"
"Is that what I feel against my back?" Brooke teased, making Peyton laugh hysterically again.
"Nathan Scott!" Haley scolded playfully, though she knew her husband only truly had eyes for her. "Fine. I will help you make breakfast. I'm not doing it alone."
"I can live with that," Brooke squealed, clapping her hands excitedly as she climbed over Peyton and Jamie and out of the bed. "We should call Luke, though. Peyton, you think he'll be up yet?"
"How the hel-heck should I know?" she grumbled, correcting herself in Jamie's presence.
"I just meant since you were there so late last night," Brooke shrugged. "I'll call him."
Nathan looked at Peyton and immediately knew there was more to tell. She didn't just get that defensive for no reason - especially not where Lucas was concerned.
"Hey Jamie, why don't you go make sure your mom makes the eggs the way I like?" Nathan suggested, picking up the boy and setting him on his feet on the floor. "Close the door, OK buddy?"
Once Jamie was out of the room, Peyton rolled onto her back, knowing that Nathan was about to start asking questions.
"You know, if you were this perceptive when we were dating, I might not have been so pissed at you all the time," she said with a grin as she looked over at him. He had laid back down on his side so he could look at her, and she wondered for a moment how long it had been since they looked at each other from that angle.
"Come on, Sawyer. What's going on?" he asked. The sarcasm was her biggest defense, and he wasn't going to let her get away with it.
"Nothing," she lied.
"Don't give me that, Peyton. I might not have the same eerie connection with you that he does, but I know when something's wrong," he pressed on. She knew who 'he' was.
"I just..." She contemplated telling him the whole story, but thought better of it. She didn't want him to think that she'd taken advantage of his brother or vice versa. She didn't want him to think less of her for cheating on her husband.
God, she had cheated on her husband.
"What?" he asked after she'd been silent for too long.
"It's just hard to be back," she said. It was the truth. "Seeing him and going through all the what ifs. And he's hurting so much and it still kills me to see him like that."
"Because you still love him," Nathan said matter-of-factly.
"What?!" she asked, a little too loudly, and a little too defensively.
"Come on, Peyton. It's no secret that you and Luke will always love each other in some way, shape or form," he explained. "And given the circumstances surrounding your breakup...I mean, it's not like you really fell out of love."
She looked up to the ceiling. Was Nathan right? She had always suspected that yes, she would always have loving feelings for Lucas. And for a long time after they broke up, she was still in love with him. Nathan's simple statement made her wonder if she just pushed that aside when she met Julian, but maybe it was still alive in her somewhere.
Everything just got really damn complicated.
Nathan sensed that there was a lot more going on in her head than she was letting on.
"Peyton, do you still...are you still in love with him?" he asked quietly.
She turned her head to look at him, and in those green eyes that had always been such a mystery to him, he finally was able to see something he recognized. He got his answer. He pulled her closer and gathered her in his arms and just held her as she cried. He felt badly for her, knowing how much she loved her life in L.A. He didn't doubt that she loved Julian - and maybe she was in love with him as well - but Julian wasn't Lucas. And anyone who knew Lucas and Peyton, knew that it was always Lucas and Peyton.
He hadn't realized how long the two lay like that until he checked the clock and saw that a half hour had passed. He was a little surprised that no one had come in and interrupted, but he knew that Brooke and Haley would have sensed that something was wrong, too.
There was a gentle tap at the door, and then it opened slowly and Lucas stood in the doorway, looking with worry on his face at the fragile girl in his brother's arms. He walked forward at Nathan's nod of approval, and sat on the edge of the bed. Nathan released Peyton and slid off the bed before patting Lucas' shoulder and closing the door behind him.
Her back was to him, but she knew he was there. She could feel him and smell him and sense him.
"What's wrong?" he asked quietly as he ran his hand up the length of her arm.
"A lot," she muttered. She heard him sigh sadly. She knew he hated it when she was that vague. She just couldn't find it in her to be more specific.
"I should um...apologize for last night," he said softly. His voice broke and she turned to lay on her back so she could see him. "But I'm not going to."
"Luke..."
"I forgot how amazing it was to be with you. Just to be around you. And then you came back and it's like I remembered all the things that I love about you," he said, taking her hand in his as he spoke. "And I know you think that last night was just me needing to escape from everything, but it was so much more than that."
"I know," she said. It was so soft that if he hadn't been watching her face, he wouldn't have known she'd spoken.
Why was it so hard to just tell him the truth? Why couldn't she just say the words? 'I'm married'. Two words. Three syllables. But she couldn't, for the life of her, find the strength to say them. She knew it would break his heart all over again - and maybe hers. But the more she sat there with him, the more she realized that no matter what she did, his heart was going to get broken. And maybe her own as well.
Maybe it was the way his rough hand was so delicately grazing the skin of her arm. Maybe it was how his eyes were looking at her and showing her everything he had to offer. Maybe it was just him. She didn't know what made her do it, but she couldn't stop herself from sitting up, placing her palm on his cheek, and pressing a short, sweet kiss to his lips.
It didn't last more than two seconds, but it ignited something in him the same way being with her the night before had, and that voice in the back of his mind just got louder and louder, telling him that he still loved her more than she could possibly realize.
"I'm starving," she said as she stood.
The truth was, she just needed to get away from him before a simple kiss was the least of her worries. The boy had always been able to cast a spell over her. But now, the stakes were higher than ever. She had too much to lose to get wrapped up in him. She just hoped she hadn't already lost it.
But he'd just said all the perfect words, and it left her more confused than ever. Julian didn't make speeches like that. Probably the closest thing to it was his rambling as he told her he wanted to get married. It was just another thing that she'd convinced herself she didn't need. Julian's words were sweet in a different way. In an 'I'm-going-to-tease-you-relentlessly-and-be-sarcastic-about-this-but-it's-all-out-of-love' sort of way.
They were halfway through a delicious breakfast when Peyton's phone rang in her room. Noticing the ringtone was the one she'd tabbed for Julian, she shot up out of her seat and ran to grab it. She closed the door behind her and Lucas felt the same thing he did that day at the cemetery. He knew he was jumping to conclusions, but dammit, he was jealous.
"Hey," she spoke into the phone. She took in her appearance and realized she looked just terrible. She was in a Lakers tee shirt that belonged to Julian, and a pair of black cotton shorts, and her hair was a complete mess from falling asleep with it mostly wet. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying too many tears in the previous 12 hours. She was surprised Brooke hadn't said anything.
"How's my girl?" he asked. His tone wasn't cheery, like she thought it might be. It was more fitting to what she was feeling. She knew it was because it was the day after the funeral that he was talking that way, but a part of her wondered if the somber tone was caused by some universal message that had been sent to him, letting him know what she'd done.
"I'm OK," she lied. She hated lying to him, even about this. How was she even going to look at him?
"I wish I could be there with you," he said.
"Me too," she choked out. Another lie.
"Don't cry, Peyton, please. I can't handle you crying and me not being able to help you," he pleaded.
And she hated herself more in that moment than she ever had in her life. She was a horrible person. What was she going to do? Even if she went home, she'd have to live with the guilt of knowing she'd been unfaithful. Either that, or she'd have to tell him and risk losing everything. Actually, she knew she would lose everything. The two had had a conversation when they first started dating about cheating, and they both agreed it was a complete deal breaker. She had messed up her entire life - and his - all because she just couldn't say no to Lucas.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, wiping her face hastily.
"Don't be sorry. It's just a tough time. I know yesterday must have been awful," he admitted.
"Yeah. I'm just a mess right now. I'm kind of glad you can't see me," she said with a weak laugh.
"That makes one of us," he laughed. "What are you wearing?"
"Julian!" she hissed.
"Come on! I miss you. Just give me this," he begged. She could already picture him in his office at their home with his feet up on the desk and a grin on his face.
"You're lucky I love you," she said with a smile. It was one of her most used phrases. Any time he'd ask something of her that she didn't want to do, and inevitably she'd give in, she said those words and her heart would flutter at the smile they put on his face. But this time, she felt something completely different when she said them, and she couldn't stop herself from wondering if they were still as true as they used to be.
"I know I am," he replied. His standard response. "Now tell me, so I can picture it."
"You're disgusting," she teased, taking another glance at her tired appearance. Yes, she'd have to glam this up just a little bit.
"No, I'm going through withdrawals!" he laughed.
"It's been three days, babe," she reminded him.
"When was the last time we went three days!?" he asked. His voice was high like it always was when they joked with each other like this.
She knew he was right, so she just laughed. But...it hadn't been three days for her. She felt like she was going to throw up that instant. It was all she could do to keep herself from crying again.
"I'm wearing your Lakers shirt," she said softly. She needed to appease him in hopes of making herself feel better, and she wondered if that was more selfish than anything else she'd done.
"The purple one!?" he asked, surprised, though he already knew the answer. It was the one she always stole, knowing damn well it was his oldest and favourite one. "I've been looking for that!"
"Well, it's on me," she laughed.
"I guess that's as good a place as any," he said. She could picture the cheeky grin on his face, and it made her laugh even harder. "Please tell me that's all you are wearing."
"With my four best friends and a six-year-old in the next room? No."
"Oh. Everyone's there?" he asked. He ignored the question in his mind wondering why she was insinuating that Lucas was one of her best friends, and the jealousy that came along with that. "This game isn't going to be nearly as fun as I wanted it to be."
"You're just going to have to play that game alone, Mr. Baker," she said seductively.
"What do you think I've been doing for the last three days?" he laughed.
"I am so hanging up on you right now!" she exclaimed as she laid back on the bed.
"No, no," he said quickly. "Not yet."
"Julian, I can't really do this right now," she whispered, referring to where he had hoped this conversation was going to go.
"I know," he admitted. "Maybe I just need to hear my wife's voice because she's been away since we got married."
There wasn't contempt or anger in his voice, but it still sounded like an accusation. And that made her angrier with him than she had ever been. She knew he hadn't meant it maliciously, but she felt it was insensitive nonetheless. It hadn't been her choice to leave him, and she thought he understood.
"I have to go," she said, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice. She was disappointed in him? She knew she didn't have a right to be, but she couldn't help it.
"Peyton, I didn't mean..."
"I know," she interrupted. "It's just that everyone's here and we're just planning our day."
"Alright," he sighed. He didn't really believe her, but he wouldn't push. Dammit, he missed her. The distance always did this to them. They'd get short with each other. For him, it was because it just hurt him too much to hear her voice and not be near her, so he'd cut their conversations off. "I'll talk to you later, OK? I love you."
"OK. Bye," she said. She hung up quickly before she broke down into sobs again. She moved to the bed and curled up beneath the sheets again, but not before discarding his tee shirt for reasons she couldn't explain, and replacing it with a simple black tank top.
He was left on the other end of the line, on the other side of the country, wondering why she hadn't said those three words back to him.
----
"She's been in there a while," Lucas said as they were clearing their plates and tidying the kitchen.
"Might be work," Nathan rationalized. He knew in his heart that it wasn't true, but he knew the white lie wouldn't hurt. He exchanged a look with his wife and he knew they were both wondering when everything was going to go bad.
They were all sitting at the table, nursing second cups of coffee, or juice in Jamie's case, when a muffled sob came from behind the closed door. Instinctively, Nathan stood from his seat, but Haley stopped him by placing a hand on his arm.
"Luke," she called, pulling him from the state of worry he'd immediately gone into.
"Why me?" he asked.
"The same reason we always send her for you," Brooke explained gently.
If only they knew what he knew, maybe they wouldn't be so eager to send him to take care of her. But he couldn't leave her there crying. He'd never been able to. And part of him felt like he owed it to her to be there for her like she'd been there for him.
He tapped gently on the door before he let himself in. His heart dropped when he saw her tearstained face peeking out from beneath the covers. She reached up to hastily wipe her cheeks, for reasons she couldn't understand. He'd know she was crying. She knew he wouldn't care that she was crying or what she looked like or how hard it was for her to speak through her sobs. He never had.
There were a million questions he wanted to ask. Was she crying over him? What they'd done? Was she conflicted? Did she feel as at home with him as he did with her? Who was on the phone and what had they said to make her break down that way? Could he just hold her and let her cry like she'd let him in previous days?
She tried to smile, but she couldn't physically do it. Of all the people who could have walked through that door, she was glad it was him. That alone sent another wave of tears down her cheeks. She shouldn't have wanted to see him. She should have gotten as far away from him as possible. Maybe she should have left Tree Hill the night before. She could have just left and gone back to her life and pretended that nothing had happened. But she knew, no matter what she did, that the feelings she had for Lucas weren't going to go away as easily as they'd rushed back to her.
"Peyton, you've gotta talk to me," he pleaded, sitting on the edge of the bed next to her. He brushed her hair back from her face gently.
She shook her head violently, letting him know that she just couldn't. She had so many things to say, but she just couldn't. Not yet. Instead, she pulled back the covers and moved to the center of the bed, rolling onto her side so her back was to him. It was a silent invitation for him to lay down with her and puller her body against his. She just needed him to hold her.
She knew that somehow, that would make everything just a little better.
----
A/N: Hey guys. I know some of you are starting to wonder where the heck I'm going to take this story (and how I'm going to get there). The story is all written and finished. I hope you enjoy the rest of it. I'm not going to give anything away...you'll just have to keep reading.
I'm going on vacation this coming Friday, and I want to get this whole thing posted before I leave. So you can expect really quick updates! Please continue reviewing: tell me what you love, are worried about, etc., etc. Thanks!