Dinner at Nathan and Haley's went without incident. They all joked that the big grey house was now home base for the five friends. That's where they went when they needed to feel that comfort and support. That's where they went to gather after something went wrong, or when something went right. Parties were held there, and Lucas, Skills and Nathan had post-game beers there, and Saturday night barbecues in the summer.
Peyton woke up to the sound of Brooke singing in the kitchen and the smell of freshly brewed coffee. She pulled the new blue Ravens sweater over her head. Nathan had given Brooke, Haley, and Peyton all sweaters the night before. They were a new design that no one else had seen yet, and only Haley's had a number on the back - 23, of course.
"Hey buddy!" Brooke called, seeing her friend emerge from her room. "Nice sweater."
Peyton noticed Brooke was wearing hers as well and the two traded smiles as Brooke handed her friend a cup of coffee.
"Making waffles?" Peyton asked. Her mouth was already watering at the sight.
"Yes. Belgian. From scratch," Brooke said, impressed with her recently found culinary prowess. She set a plate in front of Peyton, complete with fresh strawberries and blueberries and real maple syrup.
"This looks amazing," Peyton exclaimed. She took a bite and made a noise the proved the meal tasted as good as it looked.
"Thanks. So what's going on with you and Luke?" Brooke asked quickly, making Peyton nearly choke on her food.
"What?!"
"Come on. Don't lie to me. I saw you two sleeping together yesterday like it was senior year all over again. What's the deal?" Brooke repeated.
"Nothing. I just had a rough day, that's all. He helped me through it," Peyton explained vaguely with a shrug of her shoulders. She left out the part where she cheated on her husband and thought she might still be in love with her ex-boyfriend.
"What about Julian?" Brooke knew there was more to the story, and she was well aware that blunt questioning wasn't the best tactic to find out, but she was going to do it anyway.
"What about him?" Peyton asked, exasperation in her tone. She was getting sick of the 20 questions - mostly because she was afraid of what answers might slip out of her mouth.
"I just thought maybe he'd help you through it, that's all," Brooke said rationally, sitting next to Peyton with a plate of her own.
"He's not here," Peyton said quietly.
"Right," Brooke muttered. "Have you decided when you're going back?"
"I don't know," Peyton said honestly. "Soon, probably. Tomorrow maybe. The day after that."
"OK. Well what do you want to do today? Haley went back to work and Nathan's running practice. Luke's doing..."
Peyton couldn't bear to hear what Luke was doing that day, and she wanted to say as much. She needed to distance herself from him. It was for the best.
"I was thinking of spending the day by myself, actually. I just need some time alone," Peyton explained, interrupting her friend. "I hope that's OK."
"Honey, of course it's OK," Brooke said with a slight laugh. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. Maybe that's the point."
Brooke sensed that there was a lot more going on than she knew, but she knew her best friend well, and whatever it was, Peyton simply didn't want to talk about it. They finished the rest of their breakfast talking about their respective jobs and Jamie and whatever else came to mind.
Peyton got up and went to shower before slipping on a pair of jeans and her new favourite sweater. The blue cotton felt exactly the way she needed it to; warm and soft and strangely nostalgic for such a new item of clothing.
With a promise to call Brooke later, she walked out to her car and tried to think of any place she could go that might make her feel better. Ever since Lucas asked her if she missed Tree Hill, it was all she could think about. She did miss it. She missed her friends and the town and the memories and...him.
Somehow, in the span of only a few days, her entire life had been turned upside down. All the things she had spent the past four years trying to forget were suddenly in front of her and interrupting the life she'd convinced herself was perfect. She loved L.A. She loved her home and her job and her husband. Didn't she? It was becoming a mantra that was harder and harder to repeat. Every time she thought about leaving Tree Hill, leaving Lucas, she felt like she might break down and cry.
She drove through the entire town over and over again, just thinking to herself and wondering why life liked to screw with her so much. After a while, she found herself at the one place that she knew only one person would ever find her. And even then, it would be surprising. Someone would have to tell him to look for her.
She didn't know if that was exactly what she wanted, or exactly what she didn't want.
----
By 6:30, Brooke still hadn't heard from Peyton, and she was starting to get worried. Tree Hill was a small, quiet town, but she couldn't help her mind from racing. What was going on with Peyton that she couldn't, or wouldn't, tell her best friend? She reluctantly went to the one person she thought might know what was going on.
She stopped in front of Karen's house and pushed open the door gently. She was not at all surprised to find Lucas sitting on the sofa with a few boxes in front of him.
"Hey, Brooke," he greeted her. He was unusually chipper, considering.
"Hey. How are you?" she asked, taking the spot next to him on the sofa.
"OK. Just looking through some of this stuff. What's up?" he moved a file full of business forms and accounting records from his lap to the table in front of him, and turned to face her.
"I'm actually...well...I'm kind of worried about Peyton," she stuttered. She noticed his demeanor immediately change. He had already switched into 'Save Peyton' mode.
"Why? Where is she?" he asked worriedly.
"Something is going on with her and she hasn't told me what it is," Brooke explained. "She said she wanted to spend the day alone, but that was at 9:30 this morning, and she hasn't checked in."
He knew what was going on with her. Him. Dammit, he should have known better. But resisting Peyton Sawyer was the one thing he'd never been able to do. She was his vice. He needed to talk to her.
"So you want me to find her?" Lucas asked, already standing from his place.
"I mean...yeah. If you can." She shifted in her seat and watched him pull on his jacket, then got up and followed him to the door.
"I'll call you when I know something, OK? Don't worry about her. I'm sure she's alright. This week has been..."
"Exactly," she interrupted. "That's why I'm worried."
He just nodded then walked her to her car, pressing a kiss to her cheek before she got in and drove away.
He drove through town checking the places he instinctively knew she wouldn't be, but he had to see for himself. That, and he needed to buy a little time. He needed to think about what he was going to say to her when he saw her, though something in him told him that any preconceived conversation starters would be useless.
He found her on the beach, where only he knew she could be. It was their spot - the little cove just over a ridge of rocks where it was always dry, even when the tide was in. They used to sit there together, just close enough so the water could nip at their toes, and talk about anything and everything they could think of. Or sometimes they wouldn't talk at all. They'd just sit there on the sand together and let their breathing match the rhythm of the waves, with his hands running idly over her knuckles.
He sat next to her without a word, though there were a million questions in his mind. Why had she hid herself all day? Why hadn't she told anyone what happened between them? Why had she been so nice to him in the first place? Why hadn't she stopped him? Why did she kiss him the way she used to when it meant something? He just couldn't bring himself to voice any of those questions. So instead, he said...
"Hi."
"You ever think about how you can put your toes in the Pacific, and then put your toes in the Atlantic and it is all the same water?" she asked. She didn't look at him, so she missed the completely bewildered look on his face. "Every morning, I run along the beach behind my house. I always take a handful of water at the end of my run and splash it on my face. I don't know why. I just did it one day and now it's a habit that I can't break."
She turned to him, but he was facing forward, inwardly wondering where she was going with this story.
"The same water that I splashed on my face a month ago could be in front of me right now," she said quietly. She didn't know why she was telling him. She knew it wouldn't make sense to anyone but herself. "I just wonder how two completely different things can both be so familiar."
He didn't know it, but she was referring to Julian and Lucas. They were complete opposites. Julian was pomp and flash and nice cars to the outside world, and sweetly sarcastic with her. He was a week without shaving, then strutting around in an Italian suit for a meeting. He was fine wine one night and cheap beer the next. He was the man who had helped her when Lucas couldn't. When Lucas didn't.
And Lucas? He was home. He was comfort and security. He was strong and quiet. He was fresh lemonade on the porch while he read. He was unassuming. He was a small-town boy, through and through. And he knew her. He knew things about her that no one else ever did; that no one else had bothered to learn. He had opened that amazing heart of his up to her and let her see who he was completely.
They were night and day, and it was slowly tearing her apart, knowing that she had to choose.
"I don't want you to go," he finally admitted. It had nothing to do with her story, or so he thought, but he needed to say it.
"I have to," she insisted for the hundredth time to herself, but for the first time aloud.
"I know it's selfish, but I want you here with me," he said quietly, almost too quietly for her to hear. "I don't know how to do this. Everything's different now and I don't know how to...I just don't know how."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. Tears were building in her eyes and she didn't know what they were for.
Maybe they were for Karen, the woman whose death she still hadn't quite come to terms with. Maybe they were for Lucas. Maybe they were for her relationship with Lucas - the one she thought, once upon a time, was going to last forever. Maybe they were for Julian - the man who deserved so much better than she'd done in recent days. Maybe they were for her hometown and all the things she missed about it in the years since she'd been away. But mostly? She thought they might be for herself. She was crying over becoming the kind of person she didn't want to be. An adulterer. A liar. Someone who hides their heart from everyone, including herself.
But what really made her cry more than anything, was knowing that she was worried about hurting Lucas more than she was worried about hurting Julian. And she fucking hated herself for it.
He noticed her tears and pulled her into a hug. They sat like that for a while, with him just letting her cry the tears he was sure she needed to shed. She pulled away when he kissed her gently on the side of the mouth.
"Don't," she demanded harshly as she hastily wiped her face.
"Peyton..." he started.
"No," she interrupted him. "I can't do this."
"I'm getting tired of hearing those four words," he muttered dejectedly, looking to the sand beneath him.
"I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head.
"Those ones, too," he said, turning to face her. His eyes met hers, and it was almost like all the pain each of them felt collided between them and all they were left with was anger.
"What do you want me to say, Lucas? That being here has been easy? That seeing you again has been easy?" she asked quickly.
"It is easy!" he shouted. "This has been the worst week of my entire life, Peyton. But somehow you have been able to make it just a little more bearable. Just by being here. Why do you have to complicate things?"
"I'm not," she insisted quietly. "They were already complicated."
"Because of what happened with us 6 years ago?" he asked, forcing her to look him in the eye again.
"That. Other things. It's all a mess, Lucas. You can't understand," she said, shaking her head.
"Help me." His tone was demanding. He needed to know everything that she was feeling.
"I can't explain," she mumbled, looking to the ground again. She felt his hand on her chin and he raised her face gently so she could see the sparkle of unshed tears in his eyes.
"Try," he pressed. She just shook her head yet again and stood so she could avoid his hold and his eyes and his presence. "You were never like this with me. Why can't you just open up to me anymore?"
"Because you broke my heart," she said with calm conviction. Then her tone got angrier. "Because you weren't there when I needed you to be. Because I have a life you know nothing about because you ended things with me!"
She didn't know where it all came from, and it made fresh tears roll down her face. They were just a few of the things she'd wanted to say to him for so long. She'd wanted to have this conversation 5 years ago, but it never happened, and eventually she just pushed the hurt aside.
"I'm sorry!" he shouted back. "But I want to be with you, and I know it's not going to be easy, but I want you, and..."
"Lucas...I'm married," she whispered softly through her tears, interrupting his speech. She said it because she just couldn't listen anymore. She couldn't hear all those perfect words from him and still manage to get on a plane like she knew she had to.
It hit him like a ton of bricks. Married. He just hung his head. He couldn't look at her. He had turned her into a cheater. He had asked her to stay with him that night. He had pleaded with her. But she hadn't offered up the information, and had he known, he wouldn't have kissed her in the first place. She flew from L.A. to be with him and help him and heal him and grieve with him. She came. And she didn't bother to tell him that she had a husband.
He couldn't say anything. He just got up and walked away and pretended he didn't hear the sob that escaped her mouth as he turned his back to her. He wondered if there would ever come a time when she'd stop making him do it.
Walking away from Peyton Sawyer was becoming the one thing Lucas Scott was an expert at, and it was because she'd never had the nerve to make him not do it.
----
Peyton sat for another hour, knowing that telling Lucas that way wasn't at all what she'd had in mind. She had hurt him almost as much as she'd hurt herself. She needed to believe that she hadn't hurt him more; she just couldn't bear the thought.
She wondered how she could possibly be so happy, yet shed so many tears, just by being in Tree Hill. She didn't want to leave. She really didn't. But she had to. She needed to get back to normal and Julian and the job she could always lose herself in. And yet somehow, the more she thought about losing herself in something, the more she could picture herself only getting lost in one thing. Lucas. And that's why she needed to leave.
She checked her face in the rear view mirror before stepping out of the car at Nathan and Haley's. She brushed some powder onto her cheeks, but it didn't hide much. She knew it was no use, so she just walked to the door and stepped inside only to hear Haley playing piano and singing, and Nathan and Jamie playing video games in the next room.
"Hey kiddo," she called to her friend, making her stop her song abruptly and spin around on the bench.
"Hi!" Haley said happily. Nathan and Jamie joined them in the room upon hearing Peyton's voice.
"I just thought I'd stop by before I leave," Peyton explained.
"Leave?" Jamie and Nathan said in unison, making her laugh at how alike the two were.
Every once in a while, something would happen that would make her heart hurt, reminding her of the child she'd lost. Jamie was one of those things. His attitude was all Nathan and Haley, but his looks were somehow all Lucas. His blonde hair and blue eyes were attributes she was sure any child of Lucas' would have. Sometimes, he reminded her so much of the baby she never had, that it was hard to look at him.
"Yeah. I have to get back to L.A.," she said somewhat sadly. She would miss these Scotts. Almost as much as the other one.
"I guess it's about that time, huh?" Haley pointed out. "I kind of don't want you to go."
"Me neither," Jamie said, wrapping his arms around Peyton's legs.
"Me neither," Nathan echoed, pulling her into a tight hug.
"I love you guys," she muttered into Nathan's chest.
"We love you, too," Haley said with a smile. It had been a long road for the two of them, but those words were true. Nathan released Peyton and watched as the two women embraced.
"OK," Nathan said as they all walked towards the front door. "Call us tomorrow, alright?"
"I will," she said, doing her best not to cry.
The small family watched from the doorway and waved as Peyton pulled away, none of them knowing when they'd see her next. They all silently wished they could see her every day.
Saying goodbye to Brooke was the easiest. The brunette had business in L.A. about once a month, so they would see each other often, and Brooke always stayed with her and Julian when she was in town. Telling her she was married, however, was not so simple. But she knew she had to do it. She needed her best friend to know what was going on, and maybe she'd understand why she had to leave so urgently.
The two women sat, drinking one last cup of tea together, when Peyton realized it was time to fill Brooke in on everything. Well, mostly everything.
"Brooke," Peyton said urgently. "I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to freak out or get mad or...freak out."
"Peyton, you're scaring me," Brooke said, running her hands over Peyton's upper arms in an attempt to soothe her. Peyton closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"Julian and I got married on Monday," she said as quickly as she could.
"Um...uh...How did....What?" Brooke asked with a wide smile.
"It's crazy, I know," Peyton admitted.
"What about you and Lucas?" Brooke questioned.
That her best friend would question her about her ex-boyfriend after she had just told her that she'd secretly gotten married and hadn't told her for days, Peyton took as a sign. Brooke didn't ask how or where or if it was romantic or what she wore. She didn't ask to see the ring or if Peyton had cried. She didn't ask why her husband hadn't accompanied her on this trip. She didn't yell about not being invited, or being asked to be maid of honour, or designing the perfect gown. She asked about Lucas.
"There is no me and Lucas," Peyton said quietly, looking to the ground. She didn't see Brooke roll her eyes at that statement.
"The hell there isn't," Brooke scoffed, making Peyton's eyes fly up to meet hers again. "Peyton, there is always a you and Lucas. Even when neither of you realize it, there's a you and Lucas. Even if you think you hate each other and never want to speak again, there's a you and Lucas. Even if..."
"Brooke!" Peyton shouted, trying not to laugh.
"I just don't think it's any coincidence that the two of you were able to fix each other so quickly this week. Even if you don't want to admit it, I think there's still something there," Brooke explained gently. "And I know you love Julian, I mean, you freaking married the guy, which we will talk about at a later date." Peyton laughed at the stern tone Brooke took on. "I just think you and Lucas never really resolved anything."
"That's basically what Nathan said," Peyton mumbled.
"Well, Haley has turned him in to kind of a smart guy," Brooke teased, making them both laugh. "Peyton, you know I am on your side, whatever you do, OK? But I have seen the way Lucas has been looking at you, and it's kind of clear that he still feels something for you."
Peyton could only nod. She couldn't tell Brooke that once again, she and Lucas had gotten caught up in each other when a third party was oblivious. She was well aware that it was a million times worse this time.
Brooke could see between the lines, just like she suspected that Nathan had, that Peyton was still in love with Lucas. It explained her breakdown and her need to leave so quickly. She just hoped her friend knew what she was doing. Peyton was known to run from love, especially Lucas' love, and she didn't want her to make the same mistake she'd made all those years ago. Brooke knew that someone was about to get hurt. She just couldn't figure out who.
Peyton gathered her things and loaded her suitcase into the car, and the two best friends hugged tightly before the blonde drove away, promising, like she had with Nathan and Haley, to call the next day.
She knew she had to see him. Maybe just to see him. Maybe to try to explain. Maybe to make him stop feeling the guilt she knew he'd be killing himself with. She ended up at the River Court before she even knew where she was going. She was right, though. That's where he was. She watched him for a moment, his back to her, perched on the top of a picnic table and looking out over the river.
He heard the car door slam and something told him it was her. He didn't know what to say to her. He felt horrible, and he couldn't even imagine what she was going through. He was more worried about her feelings than his own, which shouldn't have surprised him. But she was married. Married to a man that wasn't him. And it was eating away at him.
He wished he could go back in time. He'd tell her not to go to L.A. in the first place, or he'd have gone with her. He'd have been more understanding about the baby they lost and her reasons for keeping it to herself. He would have done more to keep her. He would have done everything to keep her.
"Hi," she said softly as she slid onto the table next to him.
"Hi," he echoed.
"God, Luke, I'm so sorry," she said urgently after a few moments of silence, turning her body slightly towards his. "I didn't want you to find out like that and I didn't expect anything to happen when I came here and...I'm just so sorry. I know you're feeling guilty, but you shouldn't. OK? Please don't."
"Is he good to you?" he asked. It was the one question he'd had on his mind more than any other. He was angry - he was furious - but if he couldn't have her, he at least needed to know she was taken care of by the one who did have her.
She didn't want to answer. She didn't want him to know anything about Julian, but she owed him the truth.
"Yes," she whispered. It just reminded her that Julian had done nothing to deserve her treating him this way.
"Why didn't you stop things? And why didn't you tell me?" he asked urgently.
"I didn't want to hurt you," she said, answering his second question. She ignored the first, unable to admit out loud why she wasn't able to say no to him.
"I wish that plan had worked," he muttered.
"I know," she whispered, feeling more tears come. "God, I'm such an awful person."
"No, you're not," he insisted adamantly.
"You probably hate me, and I get that. I should have said something. I should have told you. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry," she rambled, wiping her tears furiously.
"It was just a weak moment, right? We just got caught up." It was a lie, and he knew it as soon as the words left his lips. It felt all too familiar for him to be saying that to her.
He couldn't find it in his heart to really blame her. To be honest, he wondered, even if he had known, if it would have made a difference. He wanted her, and when one of them wanted the other, nothing else seemed to matter.
"I don't think my heart can take it if you say it didn't mean anything," she said, shaking her head. She didn't know why. Well, she didn't want to admit why.
He wanted to know why she would say that. He wanted to ask a million questions about why she'd be with him if she was married. He wanted to ask if she still had feelings for him. But he knew. He knew, and her previous statement proved it. He wasn't sure if that made him feel better, or worse.
"It meant a lot. Well, to me it did." It had meant more to him than he expected she could imagine. He wondered how many times the two of them would have to have this conversation.
She wanted to say it meant a lot to her, too, but the words wouldn't come out of her mouth. She just couldn't. She turned to look at him, and she knew he would see the honesty in her eyes. Just like he always had.
"I just wanted to say goodbye before I left," she said, wiping her tears on the sleeve of her sweater.
"Oh," he mumbled. "You're going back to him?"
"Please don't judge me, Lucas," she pleaded. "I have to."
He let out a puff of air and shook his head. He understood, and it shouldn't have come as a shock to him, but he wished she would just admit that she felt what he felt in every single kiss the two of them had ever shared. All that love - all that passion - was still there between them.
"No, you don't!" he insisted as he stood and paced in front of her. "But I guess this is it for us, huh? After everything, this is it."
"I'm sorry," she said through her tears.
"That's not going to help much," he said harshly. He noticed the pained look on her face as soon as he spoke. "What do you want me to say, Peyton?"
"Nothing, I guess," said, shrugging her shoulders in defeat.
He looked at her and reached out to wipe her cheeks with his thumb. He wished he could hate her. He wished that need to take care of her would go away and let him be. Yet, there he was, nursing a broken heart because of her, and he was still the one soothing her, making sure she was OK in the aftermath of yet another situation that was tearing them apart. And before he could stop himself, he'd said the words he knew he meant, but wouldn't make a difference to her.
"I love you," he said, staring into her eyes so she'd know how true the statement was. She smiled weakly and nodded.
That I love you meant more to her than any I love you she had heard in the past 6 years.
But she had to pretend that it didn't.
Instead, she pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek, got up, and walked to her car. She couldn't say the word 'goodbye'. It would have broken her heart too much to even say the word.
He didn't know when, if ever, he would see her again. She'd always held his heart, ever since the first day he saw her. But this time, he was fully aware that she was taking it with her. This time, he didn't know if he'd recover.