Authors Note: I appreciate your reviews and comments very much, and would love to hear what you think of this chapter.
Chapter Four
Tony allowed himself to relax as he rode in the cab. Several thoughts and emotions competed for his attention and he needed those 30 minutes before he got back to work to sort them out. Thoughts of his father were predominant. The encounter with Kisarios has only served to confirm what he already knew: fathers can really stop caring, and that family ties can be broken irreparably. There was no need to revisit that particular topic. However those thoughts have brought another concern fully to the surface. In recent years Tony has acquired himself another family-one that he cared for greatly. He loved his job, but it wasn't just the job that has kept him at NCIS, his boss and teammates held a place that has been left vacant for years. The thought was actually a bit scary, because now NCIS held the two most important things in his life: his job and his family; and it was like putting all your eggs in one basket, if you drop it you risk to lose everything. Tony wasn't about to drop anything, he was actually hanging on firmly to that basket but thoughts of his "family" have been marred by pain and disappointment lately.
There was nothing unusual about Gibbs' angry outburst. Gibbs was not a happy man when they were in the middle of a case. Come to think of it, their job didn't leave much place for happiness, may be that's part of the reason why he tried to infuse his brand of cheerfulness whenever he could. Now, a case without a lead made for a very frustrated Gibbs, and that increased ten folds when there was a victim waiting to be rescued while they floundered in the dark. So, what did you expect, he asked himself, less vehemence may be, some consideration, or perhaps a sign that Gibbs had taken their talk seriously.
Their recent talk has culminated in Gibbs telling him to either "stop me or ignore me", it is too bad that Tony has forgotten to ask if he was supposed to do that when they were in the middle of a case, which was typically the time when Gibbs proved that his "bastard" reputation was justified. Everything was sacrificed when they were on a case, sleep and meals included, not even bathroom breaks were safe from Gibbs who took the "24/7" motto a bit too far sometimes. If Tony was in fact supposed to put up with his boss' temper when on a case, that would leave them very little time to have a sensible relation. You never used to mind, Tony argued with himself, you even liked it at times, thought it made you feel wanted, so what has changed now? A lot has actually changed in the last couple of years, and he has taken a few hard blows either from Gibbs himself who didn't see fit to recognize Tony's work during his absence in Mexico, or from Jenny, from Jeanne, and most of all from his own conscience. He was no longer a care-free man, stuck in teenage mode-if he ever was one to begin with. As he pondered Gibbs' "stop me or ignore me" advice, he suddenly realized that Gibbs has not, in fact, promised to do anything differently! It was up to Tony himself to make a change, and if not, to cope with things without complaint.
Tony wasn't entirely blaming Gibbs, though. He knew how hard it was to change old patterns, as he was personally stuck in one. For most of his life, humor has served him well, to make friends, to channel frustration, to deflect questions and to have fun. But, his recent failed attempts to have a serious talk with McGee have brought him up short. It was disturbing to find that his teammates, who are also the people closest to him, were no longer able to tell the difference between him joking around, and him wanting to have a serious and sincere talk. He either has to let them see a bit of what's behind the happy go-lucky persona, or, as Gibbs has said, he will just have to live with the reputation he has earned himself.
Words that he had once said to Jeanne came back to his mind now: "If you always do what you've always done, then you will always get what you always got." He was talking about romantic relations then, but they would apply to other relations as well. If he wanted something different out of his boss and teammates, he will have to start doing things differently, and hope that they would all end up in a better place.
He has allowed himself those few moments to think of personal stuff, but his mind now turned back to Philip Moore, and all the possible angles of the stubborn case. They will have to research the family on his mother's side, even if the mother was dead, he may have kept in touch with a close relative, particularly as he has cut all ties to his father. Perhaps McGee has managed during their absence to find something relevant in his cell phone records or computer files. He was not ready yet to consider the possibility that the young Marine may need Ducky's skills more than their own.
Back in the bullpen, Gibbs has just finished briefing Ziva and McGee, giving them a curt account of their fruitless interview with Kisarios.
"Boss.. uh.. where is Tony? Is he following a lead?"
'He will be here soon, McGee." Gibbs answered tersely.
McGee didn't miss the fact that Gibbs hasn't exactly answered his question, but he wasn't going to pursue it any further. Gibbs was wound up so tightly to the point that McGee felt his own tension growing just by watching him.
Ziva was equally silent, but her eyes haven't missed any of that either. They both went back to their search with a heavier heart.
A short while later, their missing team member arrived, greeting them with a soft, "Hey," quickly followed by a hopeful, "any leads?" to which they replied in the negative.
Tony looked a bit worn out, Ziva thought. But they all were exhausted, it has been a long day, and there was no end in sight.
Tony approached McGee's desk and quietly said, "I want to check his mother's family, if any of them are around and if he was still in touch with them." McGee simply nodded and started typing.
Gibbs had his eyes glued to his monitor, though no one could tell what he was doing exactly; he wasn't usually that transfixed with his computer. He didn't react in one way or another to Tony and McGee's conversation. A few minutes later, he stood up, headed to the elevator, and addressing no one particular said, "call if you get anything, I'm going to see Ducky."
They all breathed a bit easier when he left, the three of them were so attuned to Gibbs, really hated to disappoint him, and took it hard when they did. The absence of leads was not their fault, but it sure felt like it. Ziva once more looked at Tony, thinking that he looked more drawn than usual.
"Are you all right?" She asked him directly.
His mouth has already started to form the usual answer, but he stopped himself.
"No."
The unusual answer didn't register for a few seconds, but then they both looked at him with surprise and a slight concern in their eyes. Before they had the chance to say anything, Tony added, "but neither is Philip Moore, so…" No one could object to that, so they turned as one to their search.
A few minutes later, the elevator dinged and Ducky came into the bullpen, heading towards Gibbs' desk, and stopping when he realized the man was not there.
"I see Jethro is not here," he murmured more to himself than to them, then raised his voice a little as he added, "I saw him earlier today, and he was in a bit of temper, I hope he hasn't been more impatient than usual," which was Ducky's civil way of saying I hope he hasn't driven you all mad by now.
His question was only met with fake smiles, and sarcastic looks, which was all the answer he needed.
"Well, one can always hope.. in any case, he has asked me earlier to make a profile for our Lance Corporal, and I looked through the man's records, and other bits of information, but I am afraid there is nothing I can tell you that would help you locate him. I can only say that he is a focused, strong willed young man, even-tempered and well disciplined – his record is exemplary in that respect. However, based on a few things, I can venture to say that Mr. Moore is not the type to let his fate be decided by others, in other words, this young man will not just sit still and hope to be rescued."
"He will make an escape attempt?" McGee asked.
"I believe so."
"This could either be a very good thing, or a very bad thing."
"I am afraid so, Tony. Well, I regret that I can't be of more help.."
McGee interrupted, "Ducky, Gibbs said that he was going to see you when he left a while ago, where did he go?"
"Well, he never came to see me, so I assume he is taking a small break, which is something that you three ought to be doing right now." Their medical examiner's voice was a bit stern as he looked pointedly at their exhausted faces.
Before they could object he added, "At least get something to eat, even if it is from the vending machines, and take a moment to rest. When one is exhausted, things tend to make even less sense than usual, come on now, move along..." He effectively shooed them out of the bullpen like a pack of small children.
They didn't exactly resist, having missed both lunch and dinner by now, and rendered even more exhausted by the apparent hopelessness of the situation.
They sat around the small table, munching snacks and pondering what Ducky has just said.
"You know," McGee mused out loud, "I would have expected Moore to have an obvious problem with discipline."
"Why is that, McGee?" Ziva asked.
"Well, he had his name changed, cut all ties with his family, that's a pretty rebellious action."
"Or a pretty desperate one." Tony commented quietly.
McGee looked at him with a frown, "how is that a desperate act, Tony?"
"If you have tried long and hard enough, you might reach a point where you will just have to give it all up, otherwise you would be destroying yourself."
The words have been uttered softly, unlike Tony's usual vibrant style, and the look on his face was thoughtful and intense; he wasn't looking at his teammates, but was strangely absorbed in the chocolate bar he was playing with rather than eating.
McGee was a bit taken aback; he didn't often get to see Tony in that mood. But he was reminded of the time Tony came to see him at home during that terrible time when he doubted his place as a field agent, after shooting the cop who was working under cover. Tony had tried to cheer him up at first in typical DiNozzo fashion, but when McGee asked him to stop, and revealed his doubts, Tony has listened and seriously shared a personal experience that was private and a bit embarrassing. But McGee had also seen that look more recently, actually very recently.. The realization hit him that Tony's attempts to talk to him have been serious. Tony sometimes got that awkward look when he was being earnest.. why didn't he see that?
He started with some hesitation, "Tony, I hope you won't give me a reason to regret what I am going to say now, but about earlier, when you tried to talk to me, I thought.. I didn't see.. I didn't expect.." Then he stopped, a bit frustrated. Really it was a bit embarrassing for a published writer to find that words could still abandon him in some situations.
Tony was probably more adapt at reading him, as he seemed to figure out what he was not saying, and shook his head smiling, "people see what they expect to see, McGee.. you didn't expect it so you couldn't see it."
This makes sense somehow, McGee mused.
"Okay, when the case is over, we can do that."
"Yeah.." Tony seemed to have regained some spark as he added, "but you still owe me a coffee, though."
"How do you figure that, DiNozzo?"
"Well, I got you one and you spilled it, so here you go.."
Ziva interfered with some amusement, "he is right, McGee, you spoiled his grand gesture, it is the least you can do."
They were all starting to sound like their normal selves, and it was a nice feeling, one which unfortunately didn't last long.
"What are you three doing here exactly?!"
McGee and Ziva both jumped at Gibb's dangerous tone, Tony has actually seen him coming but didn't have the chance to warn his teammates who now hastened to answer, referring to Ducky, missed meals, and fresh eyes.
Tony has remained silent, watching Gibbs serenely, and being watched in return. Gibbs was looking at him much like a hunter cat watched the little mouse play innocently while being totally unaware of his eminent demise.
"So, you have nothing to add DiNozzo?" Gibbs actually growled.
"We were doing the same thing you were doing, boss, just taking a small break," gesturing calmly to the cup of coffee that Gibbs was holding, "by the way, Ducky came looking for you, he had a few things to share."
Then, standing in one fluid movement, he headed back towards his desk, leaving McGee to explain Ducky's findings to a slightly furious Gibbs.
Well, that little mouse has the potential to morph into a cat when necessary, Tony thought with glee, though his amusement faded fast. His thoughts went back to the case, and he felt like he was chasing an elusive idea that was starting to take form in his mind, something to do with the exchange he just had with McGee.
A few moments later, it was like a bulb went on, and Tony started to work feverishly on his computer. He was totally oblivious to the fact that Gibbs has planted himself in front of his desk.
"Care to share, DiNozzo?"
"In a minute." Tony answered briefly without looking up.
Gibbs was sorely tempted to bang his hand on the desk, make DiNozzo jump, and give him some explanation. But his agent has been acting strangely since their interview with Kisarios, and he wasn't sure what to expect, so he gave in for now and returned to his own desk.
A few minutes later, DiNozzo came to stand before him, with a resolute look in his eyes. "Boss, you will have to talk to Kisarios again, I have a feeling we were duped."
"We both heard the man DiNozzo, we saw how he acted.."
Tony interrupted urgently, "people see what they expect to see.. I was expecting to see an uncaring, cold father, and I didn't try to look further."
Gibbs wasn't convinced, "But those were not my own expectations, besides, the man didn't leave us even a shadow of a doubt.."
"Listen to me, Gibbs, there were lines of exhaustion written all over his face, his voice was too controlled, with no inflections or emotions whatsoever, and the whole thing feels like it has been rehearsed, the waiting, the feeble excuses from the staff, they were staged to make us think the worst of him before we even talked to the man."
"So what changed now?" Gibbs asked reasonably.
"Call it a hunch! Besides, I made a quick search about the man to know what he is like, and he is directly involved in several charities, and it doesn't look to be the kind that is for publicity sake, either.."
Gibbs interrupted, "may be so, but he still disinherited his own son. I am willing to try any thing that may help, DiNozzo, but it seems to me you're jumping to conclusions, here.."
They were both interrupted by Gibbs' cell phone ringing. As Gibbs answered, Tony felt himself deflate. He trusted Gibbs' gut feelings totally, if Gibbs can't see it then it is not there to see. May be, he thought, he wanted so bad to believe that a father would not abandon his own son irrevocably. Gibbs' voice interrupted his gloomy thoughts, "It seems your hunch was right after all, DiNozzo!" Gibbs had a faint smile, and a glint of pride in his eyes as he added, "that was Kisarios, he is coming over here, and he knows who has our Marine."
Tbc.
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I know that Tony's introspective thoughts at the beginning are a bit too long, but they are necessary to explain his actions in this chapter and the next ones, thanks for bearing with me!