Solipsism
Ten: It's What We Do!
Hearing that Jack Harkness is scared is frightening enough.
But hearing Captain Jack Harkness admit that he's scared… Well… that's a horse of a different color and if you think about it, truly shocking. I mean I've seen the man laugh his way through situations that would cause any other being, much less any other human, to fall to their knees in abject terror.
Jack is the most fearless person I've ever known, bar none. It has nothing to do with his "immortality." His fearlessness predates that accident of fate, and besides, we both are well aware that "immortal" is literally too strong a term for it. We both know he can die. Permanently, forever die. But like I said, that's not what his fearlessness is based upon. The Captain was born with the courage and bravery of a hero. Valor is not something you get from an accident.
So, what does it mean when Jack Harkness tells me he's scared?
I've already had the TARDIS materialize inside the Newhope's shuttle bay. She's been here before. Very likely she was on the exact same spot she now occupies (my TARDIS likes symmetry and so do I). But unlike before, what now lies outside her doors is basically deep space contained within a dead ship.
"Tell me what's going on," I ask him.
Jack's voice sounds small and distant. I don't think it's the com making it sound that way. "I don't know," he says, "something feels… I feel a sense of gathering wrongness."
I swear the next words seem to come out of my mouth of their own volition. "Jack, we don't have to go out there. We don't have to stay. We can leave. We can have the TARDIS take us somewhere else, she won't refuse. We could even come back later, if we want." Appallingly a part of me wants him to agree.
It feels like I'm holding my breath although, face it, the spacesuit would never allow me to actually do that – it has essentially taken over the more base physical functions like respiration in order to maximize the wearer's – in this case my – survival. Still, it feels like a very long time indeed before Jack responds. In fact I'm just beginning to think that I need to say something else to him when I hear his voice.
"What you're suggesting sounds like the smart thing to do, but not the right thing to do." I hear a modicum of resolve in his words. But just a modicum. "Besides," he continues, "I feel like I owe it to John to try to figure out what happened here, find out what's going on?"
He ends his sentence with what sounds like a question. I nod my head but then realize he maybe can't tell I'm agreeing with him. I ignore the small scrabbling thing that's nagging at me, clawing at the back of my mind; the gray, cowardly thing that made me say what I said in the first place and instead I decide to take hold of Jack's lead and run with it. After all, that's one of the things I do best!
"Jack, we've walked out of this ship many times into the unknown. Or worse. We've walked out onto a Slitheen in Cardiff, we've walked out onto the Game Station, we've walked out onto a Dalek mothership, and we've walked out onto the Crucible in the Medusa Cascade." I pause for a second and all of a sudden whatever was nagging me is gone. Good-bye and good riddance.
"Jack…?"
"Yes, Doctor?"
I grin and I hope he can hear the size of it in my voice, "It's what we do!"
He walks over to me. We're visor-to-visor, his face softly illuminated by his helmet's internal lighting; just as my face is illuminated. He looks at me and I realize I'm having trouble reading his expression… Damn helmets. But then I see the crinkling of the laugh lines around his eyes. "Don't forget…" he says, "walking out onto the street in front of Sylvia Noble's house."
"Brrr…" I exaggerate a shiver. "What could possibly be worse than that?"
Jack laughs. "I don't know. Maybe walking out unarmed onto an abandoned ghost ship?"
I snort. "Been there, done that, no biggie…"
"Good," he winks. "I'll hold you to that."
"Well?" I ask as I raise my eyebrows expectantly.
"Allons-y!" he answers enthusiastically. Ah! A man of my own heart is Jack Harkness…