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Chapter Eight

It had been two days since Tony had hurried out of Gibbs' room feeling a bit like an idiot. He had tried to argue with himself that if anyone should feel like an idiot. then it should be Gibbs, but he had lost that argument. He had tried to make sense of the callous rejection by translating the patented "Gibbs' speak" into normal people speech, but that hadn't worked either. So, he had just decided to shrug it off, though that was easier said than done.

In the last few days, he had been forced to interact with Vance as a temporary team leader, and endure the feeling that the other man had judged him and found him lacking in some way, or that he just didn't think much of him personally. The shift back to team leader, even a temporary one, had not been well met by his teammates, and specifically by McGee. There had been enough tension, snapping and cutting sarcasm to the point that Ziva had threatened them with severe bodily harm that would give them the chance to keep Gibbs company! Tony suspected that McGee's status as "honorary boss" for a few months had made him slightly resentful at their current arrangement, and he had to admit that his own attitude the last couple of days hadn't helped any.

As he sat on his desk this morning, he found himself slowly reaching the disturbing conclusion that his recent attempts to do things differently had mostly backfired, and that he was back to where he had started or worse. It had happened with Gibbs, and now with McGee. Deep inside, he had started a while ago to question his place in the team, and his place with Gibbs, or to put it differently, he had started to question his place in his surrogate family. Gibbs and Ducky labelling him as a narcissistic had hit him hard, and left him wondering if this family, much like his real one, was judging him on appearances, and if he had been found lacking here as much as there. He had felt better after his talk with Gibbs, but his recent comment about him being "not a friend" had reinforced those feelings of inadequacy. He had tried to reach out to McGee in his own way, and thought that was going somewhere, but the last two days told a different story. In addition to that, if the vibes he had been getting from Vance were true, then he may find himself also questioning his place in NCIS itself in the near future.

There had been one positive thing in the last two days, though. Kisarios had called Tony to express his gratitude. The man had sounded sincere and warm, and grateful that he had been given a chance to mend things with his estranged son. Tony had been reminded of the reason he had originally gone into this line of work, and how rewarding it can be at times, even though it was often a very punishing occupation. This particular case had also brought thoughts of his relation with his own father. He still longed for something that he never got when he was young, and though he had left it all behind him, the longing was still there, right beneath the surface. He wondered, he questioned, and he brooded, but he wasn't ready to tackle that issue yet, because if this one backfired, the cost would be too high.

He silently admonished himself, Anthony, my boy, it may be better for you to stick to old patterns, and easy choices.. safer that way, and less depressing too.

He had to shake himself out of the gloomy thoughts, he had been brooding a lot lately, and it wasn't getting him anywhere. He thought about calling one of his frat brothers, he didn't know if that would make a difference, but he could use something uncomplicated and fun, and most of all, his frat brothers accepted him totally, and his battered self-esteem could use their simple brand of caring, even if it was a shallow one.

Meanwhile, Back in Bethesda

Gibbs looked a bit better than he did a couple of days ago, McGee thought. His face was still pale, with an almost permanent frown that betrayed the pain caused by certain movements. He had not seen Gibbs in that particular phase before; last year he had gone from drowning and being semi-dead, to being all right in one go. Prior to that, when he had been blown up on that ship, he had fallen into a coma, had amnesia, appeared suddenly in the squad room in hospital scrubs but in his usual brisk and purposeful mode, and then had suddenly departed for Mexico. So, he was not familiar with a weary and confined Gibbs.

"How are you handling things at the office, McGee?"

"Everything is fine, Boss. We're tying up a few things with the Kisarios case.""

"I know that, McGee, what I want to know is how you and DiNozzo are handling things?"

Has Tony been talking to Gibbs? McGee wondered silently, or may be it was Ziva, she had been about ready to kill them both.

"Well boss, it would really be great to have you back!" he answered with a smile. But Gibbs looked at him pointedly, and recovering or not, the stare was unnerving, and McGee fidgeted as he answered, "Boss, you know how Tony acts.. he goes too far sometimes.."

"I know that McGee," Gibbs answered calmly, and added, "but it seems to me that you've been at each other's throat lately."

McGee thought that the same could be said about Tony and Gibbs too, but since he valued his life, he kept that thought to himself, and answered with some frustration, "I have just been trying to stop him.. it is not easy.."

Gibbs shook his head interrupting him, "on the contrary, McGee. Let me give you a DiNozzo tip, if you want to stop him, don't try to outwit him, or insult him, you will only succeed in riling him into an endless round of ridiculous banter, or you will hurt his feelings.." McGee looked at him suspiciously and Gibbs anticipated what he was about to say, "Yes, McGee he has feelings, and they can be hurt easier than you imagine." Gibbs' conscience was screaming at him that he was the worst kind of hypocrite, and that he should follow his own advice-he had to agree with his conscience on that one.

"Listen, McGee, all you have to do is to ask him seriously to stop and he will. Don't give him disapproving looks, whine, or go into fits of righteous anger- these won't work."

McGee gave this some consideration, he could remember two occasions where he had exactly done that, and where Tony had in fact had apologised and backed off, and he remembered them because they would be always tied in his mind with two tragic incidents, the undercover cop he had shot at and may be killed, and Kate's death. But that had been back then, when McGee had been younger and inexperienced, and at that time he hadn't been trying to get back at Tony or put him down.

He raised his eyes to look at Gibbs, and quietly said, "I think I get it boss.. "

"Good!" Gibbs nodded approvingly, adding with a faint smile, "I make a cranky patient, McGee, and you really wouldn't enjoy joining me here."

"Ziva. ..did she.. uh.. I got it boss!" McGee said decisively as he headed out.

Gibbs was left alone with his thoughts, and his own quandary to resolve. It had been two days since he had, so spectacularly, put his foot in it. Apart from pain and exhaustion, there was nothing here to distract him from his thoughts, no work related matters, no boat in the basement, and no bickering team members. He had confronted himself, and it had been relatively easy to explain why he had refused DiNozzo's offer. It had been more difficult to explain his subsequent comment, the one that had probably left DiNozzo feeling awkward and excluded. It had been a perfect example of how bad he was with words when he had complex feelings about a situation, and when his own needs and insecurities warred with the image he had cultivated for years.

He had examined his inner motives with brutal honesty in the last two days, and had reached some unflattering conclusions, which he really didn't want to share with DiNozzo, or with anyone for that matter. However, for the second time in as many weeks, he found himself compelled to reveal part of his thoughts to his senior field agent. But, he had waited to talk to DiNozzo until he could curb that familiar flare of anger that he felt whenever he was being forced to open up.

He had been accused once of being like "an immovable object", he had his own rules and others had to follow them or walk away, those who didn't wish to collide with him had to change their own course, or risk a collision that would hurt them more than him; actually by definition an immovable object can not be hurt. They were wrong. He was very much set in his ways, but he was not immovable, and he could be hurt. It was really ironic, he thought, he appears tough to the point that people do not believe he can be hurt, and DiNozzo appears such a happy-go-lucky fellow that people also do not believe he can be hurt. They both knew better, and he was counting on DiNozzo's ability to understand him and to make sense of his sketchy explanations to get them out of this one.

Tbc.

One more chapter to go