A/N: Updated. A new chapter for your reading pleasure. For those of you querying Jeff's whereabouts, here he is. Thank you for the reviews for the last chapter, it was a lot darker than anything I've written before. Apologies for not giving adequate warning to the sexual content in the previous chapter. I'll remember in future.
Please read and review. There's another shout-out in this chapter, hidden somewhere in the text. Happy hunting. I disclaim. I don't have permission to use the lyrics from 'I'll Remember'. Kade is my own creation. Please read and review.
"Now that I'm standing on my own, I'll remember the way that you changed me."
I'll Remember
Light. Blinding white light.
Covering me. Can't see. Can't think. A voice. Female. Soft. Gentle.
No! Get away from me. I don't need you.
I don't need anyone.
Pain. In my fist. Her face. I punched her. I…I didn't mean to. She got in the way. Why did I do that? She tried to…I don't know what she tried. But I can't stay here. How did I even get here?
I have to get away. Can't concentrate. Can't think. Time seems so sluggish around me. Why won't I move? What's wrong with me? My head is swimming…
Where am I?
My car. Where are the keys?
Just put them in the ignition. Get the car running. That's it. The engine is running. It's soothing. What is it soothing? My mind? My heart?
Pain! Bright. Biting. It hurts so bad. My chest. It feels like my chest has collapsed. What happened? Where is my car?
Matt. Matt, is that you? I can barely hear you. Speak louder, dammit! Tell me what's happening!
What is wrong with me? That noise. It's so loud! Too loud!
Make it stop! Please! Make it all stop.
I don't want to feel this way anymore…
Either the crashing sound of blood in his own ears, or the nausea twisting in his gut woke Jeff out of his nightmare. Rolling over to the side, his head pounded with all the intensity of an industrial jack-hammer. His temples burned mercilessly into his skull, his brain dancing like a salsa contest on the inside. Desperately, his mind tried to free itself from the fog of the dream, to no avail. It was sluggish, to the point where it was a struggle to even form the most basic of thoughts.
His eyes felt swollen and sore, protruding like he was part frog. His eyelids opened gingerly, feeling as though they had sealed together and were now breaking the skin apart by opening. Rolling to his left to shield himself from the light, Jeff realised too late that he had been lying on a bed. With a resounding thump, he toppled to the ground, landing awkwardly on his shoulder. Even with the new throbbing of his arm, Jeff's entire body screamed in pain. Every muscle felt as though it had been ripped out of his body and placed in the freezer. Once completely frozen, it was like they had been stitched lazily back inside his skin. Every inch groaned with agony, ready to shatter at the slightest pressure.
Crawling on his belly, the world refused to right itself in Jeff's vision. It was as though he'd left his eyes up on the bed and they were spinning around the room. Mercifully, he had the strength to reach the waste paper basket that was tucked beneath the desk next to the bed. Grabbing at it like it were the fountain of youth, Jeff cradled it to his chest, just as the bile rose from the back his throat into the cavity of his mouth.
Retching forward, the contents of his stomach voided itself through his oesophagus and into the waste paper basket. It was a viscous brown colour, carrying an even more nauseating acrid smelling. The flood of vomit poured from Jeff's mouth like a waterfall. It gushed forward so violently that Jeff was certain he was coughing his very stomach out through his mouth. Just as ht was sure he was about to choke on his own vomit, the flood stopped. Resting awkwardly on the basket, Jeff lowered himself back to the ground. The back of his wrist drew itself over his mouth, catching the stray splatters of vomit mixed with salvia.
Resting on his back, he tried to resume a regular breathing pattern, but it seemed impossible. His chest rose haphazardly, his breath an occasional rasp. If his body were co-operating, Jeff would have rolled into a foetal position. But the atrophy like numbness spreading to his limbs prevented. Indeed, Jeff was content to simply lay there and fester. As long as he didn't have to move anymore, he didn't care.
Obviously somebody higher up wasn't content to let him lay there and die. The sound of the door to the room opening resonated inside Jeff's thudding skull. His squeezed his eyes closed against the invading light from the open door as much they did to block out the feeling of sickness that invaded him.
Jeff couldn't be sure, but he felt as though there was someone else in the room with him. They moved quietly, not making their presence known either by design or accident. Whatever the reason, Jeff wanted them to leave. He was suffering, and didn't want to be around anyone. His mouth felt drier than a desert in the height of summer, evaporating any words before they could free themselves. It didn't matter it seemed, as whoever it was in the room wasn't up for talking much either.
He knew he wasn't alone when the curtains rattled with the force of being opened. Sunshine poured through the windows, searing into Jeff's eyes. The room became blinding, like he fallen into a white hot furnace. Despite the protestation of his muscles, Jeff threw his arm across his eyes in an effort to block out the light. The action set to life another wave of vomit that bubbled up from his stomach. Groaning with the effort, he rolled back onto his stomach. Finding the waste paper basket once more, no sooner had his head been vanished into the bin had the vomit came. His stomach clenched painfully, churning out even more disgusting brown liquid. Tears stung Jeff's burning eyes like vinegar. They squeezed from beneath his eyelids, trailing cool rivers down his burning cheeks.
His body shuddered with the effort of purging itself, causing Jeff to almost loose his grip on the basket. He slumped back to the ground, more than prepared to die here and now on the floor. Anything would be preferable to this punishment, however deserved he assured himself it was.
Mercy came in the form of a pair of cool hands on the sides' of Jeff's face. His eyes sealed themselves closed against the harsh reality of being awake, so he didn't know who they belonged to. It didn't matter. All he knew was that the smooth fingers felt could of his head, stroking his hair and brushing away his tears. Jeff felt the damp cloth run over his cheeks and lips, getting rid of the last traces of anything that had come from his insides.
Just when he was starting to feel a little better, the hands suddenly left him. Despite their protestations, Jeff forced his eyes to open. The orbs were a diluted, murky green. Unfocused and red, they had difficulty on focusing on just about anything. He could make out the shape of the person in the room, but finer details were lost to him.
The voice sounded as though it were coming from under water. Muffled, it sounded distant. "Jeff. Can you sit up?"
He obliged, managing to prop himself up on his eyebrows. The figure stayed silent for a moment, a blurry haze against the light from the windows standing over him. "Must have been some night. Can you remember what you took?"
"Who are you?" His own voice sounded like sandpaper scraping on stone in his own ears. He was dehydrated, his throat burning from the flurry of vomiting.
As he introduced himself, so did Jeff's eyes finally get used to be open. Blinking in rapid succession, he could finally make out the features of his visitor. He was roughly around the six foot mark, with a toned athletic figure reminiscent of a swimmer's build. Wearing a plan black tee-shirt and a loose fitting pair of denim-blue jeans, his obviously well-worn sneakers protruded from beneath the bottoms. His hair hung down in soft waves of dark blonde around his sky-blue eyes, reaching down to his cheek bones. His features were handsome and youthful, perhaps no older that his early twenties. His full lips formed a sort of half smile as he spoke. "My name is Kadence Schaeffer-Hamilton. Most people call me Kate. You can, if you like."
"Who are you?" Jeff repeated, his mind in not fit state to process such complex information. In a move that threatened to release even more of the contents of his stomach, Jeff slowly sat up.
"I just told you. If you mean why am I here, you should probably be a little more specific. "Jeff waves his hand blankly at Kade, resisting the urge to drop back down onto his back. "I've been assigned to you Jeff, as a personal request by Vince McMahon. Think of me as your assistant."
"I don't need an assistant." Jeff's voice was nothing more than a groan, his head resting itself against his raised knows.
"Not that I'm one to judge or anything, but you were lying face down on the floor in a puddle of your own puke. I think it's fair to say you're not exactly capable of caring for yourself right now." Kade's blue eyes sparkled with intrigue as Jeff continued to hold his head against his knees.
"I'm fine." With a grim smile, Jeff delivered the line he had been practicing to perfection since before he could remember. From the death of his mother to his recent heartbreak, he could lie with the best of them.
"Your blood test would actually disagree with you there Mr. Hardy." Kade took on a more formal tone. "There was an alarmingly high concentration of codeine and Methaqualone in your system. Looks like someone was trying to get high and euphoric all at once, washed down with a good dose of beer. That's an incredibly dangerous cocktail of substances to be taking Jeff."
"You need to learn how to have a good time kid." Jeff grunted. Lifting his head from his knees, his hair fell in lazy strands around his face.
"Emphysema and orthostatic hypotension. Sounds like a real kick ass time to me."
There was a definite trace of sarcasm in Kade's voice. Not that he made any attempt to hide it at any rate. Jeff locked eyes with Kade, not appreciating the tone. "You did know these drugs have serious side effects, I'm assuming? And that's when they're taken by themselves. God knows how long you've been putting that crap in your body, along with the alcohol abuse. If I didn't know better, I'd say you had a death wish."
Jeff grunted with indignance. Struggling to get to his knees, he kept his back firmly pointed in Kade's direction. Whether he was aware that or not that Kade's last statement was a leading one, he wasn't intent on answering it. "I didn't ask for a chemistry lesson. And you're so high and might that it bothers you that much, you know where the door is." The click in Jeff's bones was audible as he struggled to stand to his full height. "You ain't welcome here anyway..."
"If only I could acquiesce your less than gracious suggestion," Kade's smile was positively dripping with sarcasm. Resting his weight on his life leg, his arms folded neatly across his chest. "Unfortunately, you're stuck with me whether you want me to be here or not."
"Then let me help you out with that kid." Jeff heard the irritability in his own voice, and wasn't even in the slightest bothered by it. It was hard enough to be by himself when he felt this rough. The last thing he needed was some sanctimonious little kid preaching at him from a high horse. "You're fired." Jeff grinned darkly, gaining an assured sense of pleasure with his solution to the problem.
"And if it were that simple, all would be right with the world. You could go back to your self-harming delirium and I could stop pretending that I'm not on the verge of projectile vomiting from your odious stench. Things being what they are, I don't work for you Jeffrey. So you can't fire me. Much as I'm sure in pains you to hear it."
"What are you talking about? You just said that you're my assistant. What kind of assistant are you if you don't do what I want you to do. I don't want you. I just fired you. Where is the problem here? Fuck off already." A tight grimace settled over Jeff's lips as he managed to pull himself up onto the bed, giving up on standing under his own power. Slumping forward, his face became drowned in a sea of stale smelling sheets.
"Did you miss the part where I said you're not the one signing my pay checks? Or were you too doped up to understand such a simple sentence?" Jeff's jade eyes gave a deadly flicker at Kade's impertinence. "Trust me Jeffrey, I wish I had better things to do with my time than baby-sit a childish coke whore who seems to think the world owes him." Jeff was left in a stunned silence. Or was it that he actually was to doped up to care? He honestly couldn't tell the difference anymore.
Not that it mattered, as Kade wasn't quite finished. "If it were up to me, you would have been in the unemployment line long before you got to this level. Hell, I would have shopped your sorry ass to the cops and be done with it. But luckily for you, it isn't. Someone actually does give a shit about what happens to you. Although I've been hired as your assistant, you're not my boss, so don't assume you can tell me what to do. Do as I say, when I tell you to do it, and we'll get along just fine."
"No, it's not okay. Would you just leave me alone already?" Jeff mumbled into the sheets, refusing to lift his face to meet Kade's aggravated gaze. A though suddenly occurred to him, filling him with a sense of righteous anger. "How the hell did you get into my hotel room anyway? Are they just giving the keys away to any psychotic blonde who asks for them?"
With an audible groan, Kade's palm slapped against his forehead with frustration. Despite his profession, it was beyond him how a person could let themselves get this far. "You're not in your hotel room you dolt." With a confused grunt, Jeff's face emerged from the tangle of sheets. "Reality check Jeffrey. You're in rehab."
Jeff's face fell as he finally took the time to take in the room around him. He had concentrated so hard on finding somewhere to throw up, not to mention fending off Kade that he hadn't even noticed that this wasn't his hotel room. "I'm where?"
"You're in rehab." The word oozed over Kade's lips in a condescending wave. He was enjoying this far too much. "I'm guessing you don't remember last night, do you?" Jeff's features remained blank as he tried to piece together what had happened to him last night. "Well, that's what the hard stuff will do to you. Allow me to bring you up to speed. You were found passed out in a bathroom stall. When someone did actually find you, you got real abusive and gave the poor cleaning girl a black eye."
For the first time since they met one another, Jeff showed actual remorse. Had he really done what Kade had said? Had he turned into some kind of monster? Worse things, it seemed, were to come. "Oh it gets better. After assaulting some poor girl, you jumped in your car and ran it head first into a tree. Thank god you weren't going at any kind of real speed or you'd be in the great rehab centre in the sky right now."
Jeff's head shook from side to side, sending a fresh wave of nausea through his stomach. It came from the sudden movement, or the guilt. It didn't matter. "I don't remember…"
"Why am I not surprised." Kade sighed heavily. "Your brother checked you in a little after midnight. You're on a provisional six week programme. And in case you're wondering, it's not voluntary. You're here under the grace of the Carolina Judicial system and until I say you're fit enough to leave. Be thankful you have powerful friends. And even with a billionaire backer, you could be looking at some jail time."
Kade's face suddenly became altogether more serious, ignoring the look of desperation buried deep in the green pools of Jeff's eyes. "Play ball Jeff, and we'll get along fine. You'll be detoxed, and I will help you beat your demons once and for all. If you don't do as I say, or try and go on the run from the centre, I'm going to report you back for being the addict you are. My guess is your bosses will fire you in a heartbeat, if they haven't already. Your future career rests on my recommendations. And between you and me? Right now I think without me, you're going to swanton your way into and early grave."
Kade sighed, rubbing his hands back through his hair. "In case you missed the memo here, it makes no difference to me Jeffrey whether you get fired or not. All I care about is stopping you from killing yourself. And believe me I will do whatever is necessary to make sure you stay clean. We don't have to like one another to get that done. You'll probably end up hating me, but I'm actually fine with that so long as I stop you from using. So quit staring at me and go take a shower because you absolutely stink. And be in the lobby for nine o'clock. Orientation begins at nine-thirty and I have no intention of being late."
Kade cast one final glance back at Jeff before exiting the room the same way he had come in. Pulling the door to a close behind him, he took a few steps down the hallway. The impressive figure of Vincent Kennedy McMahon stood just a few metres down the hall. His hands rested inside the pockets of his inordinately expensive suit. His eyes focused on the smaller form of Kade as he approached. Extending his hand, he shook Kade's in a firm grip.
"Doctor Schaeffer-Hamilton," Vince began, "thank you so much for agreeing to come and see Jeff. I know how busy you are."
"To be honest with you Mr. McMahon, I doubt a lot of people would say no to the amount of money you offered." Kade wished he could say he agreed to evaluate Jeff purely for the love of his profession. However it was a lie. If Vince hadn't have pulled out his check-book, he probably wouldn't have agreed to coming down at all.
As one of the leading experts in the psychology field, Kade was sort after on a multitude of cases. He had long since stopped taking cases for the desire to help people. He was a professional, and would work on loan for whoever it was that offered the most money. It might be a cynical way of doing things, but Kade was a human like everyone else.
"It's not good is it?" Vince already seemed to have his mind made up when it came to Jeff. He'd taken the chance on rehiring him after the last fiasco involving his drug habit. Now, it seemed he'd fallen even further than he had been before. Being the consummate businessman, Vince realised that Jeff Hardy was no longer a sound business investment. "It's a shame. I had high hopes this time around for Jeff. His brother will take it hard, but for the good of the company, I'm going to have to let him go…"
"Mr. McMahon," Kade interrupted, "I don't think firing Jeff at this point would be in his best interests or yours." Vince's eyebrow arched on his forehead. "To be honest with you sir, based on my preliminary findings and a conversation with his brother, I feel that Jeff is in a very delicate place right now. By the sounds of things, it's like something has shattered who he sees himself to be, and he's had a hell of a time piecing himself back together. I think if you were to release him now, we're going to lose him entirely. I would ask that you keep him on your roster until he's completed the course here. After that, do what you will."
Vince looked unconvinced. Psychology aside, Kade knew it would be necessary to sweeten the deal. Vince was a businessman after all. He couldn't really do something for nothing now could he? "As consolation, I am prepared to work exclusively with Mr. Hardy, in a more hands on role and help him through this difficult stage. I'll even suspend my fee for the duration of his treatment."
Kade had said the magic words. Offering his hand, Vince accepted it in another firm handshake. That was the way deals were done in the professional wrestling world. A handshake and a nod, and you were bound to your word. "Very well Doctor. I'll move him to the inactive roster and let you do your magic. But if he puts one foot out of line with you, I want to be informed immediately." Kade nodded briefly, not liking the underlying menace that Vince's statement held. "If you don't mind me asking Doctor, how is it that you're such an expert at such a young age? You look younger than my own children."
Kade smiled at the question he heard everyday of his professional life. "I'm twenty-five years old Mr. McMahon, and something a psychology-prodigy. Both my parents are psychologists, and I have an aptitude for the science. I assure you, I am fully qualified to treat Jeff to an exemplary standard."
"Oh I don't doubt it Doctor." With a slight incline of his head, Vince began to move away from Kade. A sure sign that the conversation was over, Kade moved to head towards the staff's office in order to see what it was to work with. Vince's parting words caught him by surprise. "Keep me informed Doctor. Jeff is one of the family. I'm placing you responsible for his safe and healthy return to us."
Kade nodded at the retreating Mr. McMahon, who disappeared around the corner. No pressure then. But it was true. Jeff was not Kade's responsibility. Despite his harsh tone to Jeff earlier, it was up to him to make sure that Vince's faith turned out to be justified.
After all, it was obvious to Kade that if Jeff's boss would make the effort to be here, then he obviously meant something to the company. If Vince could let his personal judgement override that of his business mindset, then Kade could certainly prove that Jeff was worth it. Now the arduous task would begin of not only healing Jeff emotionally, but getting him off drugs he was fatally hooked on. Judging by the aftermath of whatever Jeff had put himself through last night, this was clearly wasn't his first time coming down from a high. If that were true, this was going to be incredibly hard on Jeff. Kade hoped that the southener had the inner strength to over come it. After all, he could only support him so much. The core of this would be down to Jeff.
Even if Jeff did have reserves of strength, it had been a long time since Kade had worked that intensively with a patient. Part of him wasn't so sure he could actually do it again.
But there something about Jeff drew him in, that caused him to offer his professional services. There was a sadness in those eyes that seemed to stretch to impossible fathoms. It was like nothing Kade had ever seen before. As a result, it captivated him, both professionally and personally. What could have happened to drive Jeff to the depths he was stuck in? If Kade was going to achieve anything during this course, it was to make sure he found out exactly what caused that sadness.
And more importantly, it was to heal Jeff of it once and for all.