Solipsism

Ten: Get Thee Behind Me

For a moment I feel horribly alone.

I com Jack. There's no answer. I suppose I was a bit impolite to him earlier and now it's payback time.

I feel alone and also a touch annoyed.

"Jack doesn't need to be taken care of," I announce resolutely to the room. "But I do watch out for him as much as I can, which is no small feat, considering he's sometimes cantankerous, often argumentative, always insolent and has a hero complex. Oh, and did I mention? He's mostly immortal, so he's inclined to take risks…

"And by-the-way, what the hell was that just now?"

My annoyance is getting the better of me. Arms outstretched, I turn in a circle and sweep the room visually.

There's no one else there. This is both good and bad. It's bad because, as I said, I'm still alone, and as a general rule of thumb I don't particularly like being alone – and I especially don't like being alone at this moment in time. It's good because being thus alone I know I can do anything I want right now and no one will see me. No one will hear me. And right now I have to say I feel like flying off the proverbial handle.

I walk to the main science station and glare at it. "Tell me what that was! I know it wasn't real, even though it felt real. Even though it seemed real. Even though I wanted it, wished it, longed for it to be real. It wasn't Susan, it couldn't have been Susan. It can't be Susan.

"Was that in my mind or was it some kind of insidious holographic trick? Or was it some sort of sadistic alien presence? Or was it something else entirely? Something I've not encountered before? Something outside my experience and beyond my imagination?"

I'm pounding on the console.

"And why her? Why did it have to be her? It could've been any one of a number of… of hundreds… of people. Why was it Susan?"

I try to com Jack again. Still no answer.

"And where the hell is Jack?!"

"Doctor?" I hear a voice say behind me.

I spin around. "No!" I proclaim. "Not you!"

"Doctor? What's wrong with you?"

I laugh, it sounds almost maniacal. "What do you mean what's wrong with me? I'm seeing ghosts. What's not wrong about that?" I walk right up to her but instead of halting I continue walking in a circle around where she's standing. Rose's eyes and head follow me as I orbit around her as a planet revolves around its sun.

She shakes her head, "I'm not a ghost."

"Oh! Oh that's rich! Yes you are. You are most certainly a ghost. I left you stranded in another universe with my doppelganger. By now the two of you are, well, never mind… I won't dwell on that. You can't be here!"

"But I am."

"And why are you here?" I laugh again but continue on with my rant before she can answer. "Wait! Don't tell me! Let me guess! You're going to warn me I need to watch out for Jack, aren't you?"

"No, but that's very good advice," she says.

"Ha!" I laugh as I continue pacing.

"I'm going to tell you that it is dangerous here. You need to get Jack off this ship. It isn't safe here for either one of you. You need to leave, now, Doctor. Jack is important…"

"You think I don't know how important Jack is? Maybe you've forgotten? I'm a Lord of Time! I know what he becomes, who he becomes, and what he does."

"Then what are you doing here, Doctor?"

For an insane moment I feel like admitting I don't know what I'm doing here, that coming aboard this ship was a terrible mistake. I angrily discard that thought.

Instead I stop in front of her and growl, "Apparently I'm waiting to be haunted by three ghosts – the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, if I'm not mistaken. Who's the third ghost, Rose? Who's the Ghost of Christmas Future? Can you tell me? Hmm?"

She reaches out and before I can move away she touches me and even through the spacesuit I can tell – my hearts lurch – it feels like Rose. I inhale sharply. I'm so tempted…

I so want…

I have an almost uncontrollable urge to hold her in my arms. The desire is so strong I can taste it. Instead, I yank my arm away from her and step back.

"Oh no you don't, you ghost you. Begone!" I yell.

She looks at me and smiles sweetly.

Then I reconsider, "But first, I have some questions…"

She shakes her head, "No questions."

"Not even one?"

She stares at me blankly.

"Alright then," I declare. "Get thee behind me." I'm tempted to try to stride right through her but instead I step carefully around, keeping well outside of arm's reach.

And then I leave the bridge, and Rose Tyler, behind.

Enough of this nonsense. It's time to find Jack.