(Just a side note for those who may be confused by the paragraphs in italics..those are flashbacks)
(Satoshi)
Great. This is just what I need. That feeling in my gut. I don't need this. Why did I do that? It won't be long before he..
I can't have that happen. When he wakes up he's...no. Not thinking about that. I can't let him hear me. Be quiet. Don't think. Just go home and sleep. Yeah, all I need is some sleep. It won't make things better, but atleast I can escape for a while. I pass by a grocery store on my way home, and the tantalizing sight of a woman walking by with bags of food makes my stomach growl. I shiver and cover my stomach, hoping no one heard that embarrassing sound. I ignore my hunger and continue walking home. Though it kills me deep inside, I can't eat. I have to keep my energy low. He can't use me when I'm weak. I'm useless to him then. But I have to eat something..I'll kill myself before long if I keep this up. But would that be so bad? As far as I know, death is just a deep sleep. A deep, coma-like, eternal sleep you'll never wake up from. That doesn't sound too bad. I like to sleep better than anything else. So if I fell asleep forever, I wouldn't have a reason to complain. I would be unfeeling. No more pain. No more anxiety. No more fear. Sounds welcoming.
Walking home now. So hungry, so tired I want to collapse. Haven't eaten in a long while. I'm afraid of everything now. But I wasn't afraid when I was sitting next to her...
No! Next subject...just focus on going home. I don't want to think anymore. I finally approach my doorstep, swipe my entry card in it's slot, and open the door. Upon entering my home, an unsettling emotion takes over me. But what could possibly be wrong? Nothing but me and my lonely apartment. Nothing but me...and him.
Is it me or is it a little...stuffy in here? It's so hot. I loosen my collar and brush back my hair. From the corner of my eye, I can see something glowing a bright vermillion. I turn my head to the color to face the fireplace, lighting up the dreary confines of my apartment, but still giving it an eerie effect. Why in the world would the fireplace...?
Then I see him. The last person I wanted to see. His gold locks and piercing eyes send shivers up my spine. I hate this. Fear. He's drilling a hole in me the way his gaze is completely fixed on me. He's laying on the couch with his arms crossed, looking annoyed. I can't think of anything I might've done to upset him...
No. Wait. I remember. Dammit, he knows. He saw everything. I thought he was asleep!
Krad tilts his head to the side, still glaring at me, and says, "The greatest work of art?"
A jolt of panic races up my body, and I shiver again. I don't have to answer him. I'm just going to walk away. Just walk away. What's the worse he could do to me? I walk past him, or atleast try to. He catches me off guard by snatching the canvas out from under my arm. He stares at the painting in animosity, dispising the woman depicted in my work.
"Krad! What are you doing?" I say as I try to snatch it back. Unfortunately, Krad's height gives him the advantage in our little quarrel for the painting. He holds it high above me, and I pathetically jump up and attempt to steal it. He pushes me back with sudden force and I land on my behind.
"Dammit, Krad! Give it back!" I spring up and swipe at the elevated painting, but my failed attempt is met with a hard slap across my face. I stumble back, holding my cheek. My lips and hands quiver in disbelief. He actually struck me. It's been such a long time since our fights have gotten to the point of physical violence, but with Krad's malicious tendencies it was only a matter of time. "K-Krad..." I stammered.
Krad takes the painting down from it's high position and shouts, "The greatest work of art? That disgustingly pathetic human girl? A work of art? Have you lost your sanity?!"
"K--"
"Your pathetic race may have the ability to create great things, but you yourselves are not great."
I stayed silent. There was no use arguing with him...unless I want to get hit again.
"What happened between you and that girl will cost you! Whatever rebellious notion had come into your mind, it would be wise to not entertain it any longer!"
Krad throws the painting in the fireplace, and the flames consume it instantly. I run over to the fireplace and turn it off, but it's too late. A part of the canvas where Risa's face had been was reduced to ashes, and the rest of her body was melted and horribly disfigured. I sank to my knees and gazed at the destroyed piece. Before I have time to try and hold the capacity, tears make tiny paths down my cheeks. I shake violently and clench my fists.
"I hate you! I want you to die!" I cried in despair.
Krad was unaffected by this and crossed his arms. "It was for your own good. I don't want you to socialize with all these ugly people. Stay away from that girl or else."
"I can paint anything I want!" I screamed as I ran into my room and shut the door like the pathetic child I am.
The broken dishes. The destroyed artwork. The paint splattered all over the wall. The over turned tables. The broken tv. Everything here says there's been a fight. And there was. I don't know why I did that. I just got so angry I...I fought with myself. I demolished my own home. I hate everything. I just want everything to hurt, just like I do. I want everyone to die. I want to die. I want to kill Krad...I want to kill him..
The bedroom door is locked. Won't keep him out though. He's there...wherever I go. He'll never leave. And everything is broken. I can't ask my 'father' for money. He'll know I destroyed everything. Why should I get money from him? I know what I'll do. I'll buy new plates...new everything...and when I'm mad..I'll break them again. I can't be trusted. I'm laying on the floor, rigid. My face feels hot and wet. I have a headache. My cuts are stinging. I should've handled the glass better. No. I wanted to cut myself.
I sit up drag myself to the edge of the bedside. The glass scrapes the floor when I push the fragments away from me. I slowly pull the sleeves of my school shirt up my arms and tuck the fabric in. What is revealed to me is my marred skin. Pink slashes in random places. I can't remember how many times I've cut myself. There's so many of them. I reach into my pocket and pull out a small razor. My savior in my time of need. I puncture the skin and grunt in discomfort. I slide the blade up to my wrist. The main artery. I'm so close. So close...so close...
Just one more cut..
(Exeunt)
(Risa)
The cool water trickles down my body. Such a refreshing feeling. It feels so good. I take the shampoo and lather up my hair. Taking a small comb, I gently slide it through my strands and detangle my hair. At school I actually walked around with my horrible unbrushed, unwashed hair. After that day...I just didn't want to shop for new clothes. Didn't want to go to the salon. Didn't want to take my usual bubble baths. Every enjoyable aspect of my life was demolished that day. Augh, no. I don't want to feel sad anymore. Just want to get clean. I wash out the shampoo and slide my thumb down the length of my hair just like Satoshi did. He thinks I'm a work of art. I've never had someone say anything like that to me before. I feel my cheeks. Am I blushing? This is so embarrassing...well, atleast no one can see me. I take the conditioner and slap it on my head. Then I take the soap and scrub everywhere. I wash out the conditioner and turn off the faucet. All clean. Now to take a nap. When I push back the shower curtain and see my reflection in the foggy mirror, I begin to analyze myself. I cup my breasts and feel them. I rub my flat stomach. A work of art...
...me?
I close my eyes and imagine him sitting against the tree with me, painting me without my knowledge. I take the comb I had with me in the shower and brush my hair. For some odd reason, I care that my hair was knotty when I was at school. Couldn't I have gone to school looking more presentable? I stare at myself in the mirror again. I guess I'm not that bad looking..infact...I look really pretty. I am pretty. But that's because what he said made me feel pretty.
No. That's not it. He doesn't make me feel pretty.
"He makes me feel so...beautiful."
I have tears in my eyes. I can feel his eyes boring into me. I don't want to look at him. Still clutching the chains. I still want to crush them. Why is he here? Why can't he just go and leave me be?
"Risa...?"
My unwilling eyes look up to him. He's just a figure in the darkness. I can't see his face anymore. He must be ashamed. My eyes are so blurry I just can't...
"There is someone who loves you."
But that person isn't you.
He flies off into the night sky. His wings leave behind hundreds of black feathers that drift off in the purple sky. I wish I could fly. Then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. If I can't run away, I want to fly away. If only I had wings like he does.
The door bell sounds, and I'm plunged back into reality. I blink for a moment, trying to grasp where I was just now. I look around, finding I'm still in my bathroom, still naked, and someone's at the door. My face turns red again and I scramble for clothes. In a rush, I decided to just slip on my school uniform really quick and answer the door. My first thought on who it might be is dad. He could be back from his business trip. My hopes are high, and I know how happy I'll be when I see his face. I trot downstairs and welcome him home, but I get a unwanted suprise. The person at my door isn't dad.
She slings the bookbag over her shoulder and puts her hands at her hips. She does this as if she's convinced that since she manipulated me this morning into going to school, she can do it again tonight. Not a chance. She betrayed me. She used to be my sister. But now she isn't, not anymore. Never. Never again.
"I'm coming back, Risa." she says with a stern look in her eyes. How did she become so convinced that I'll let her in this house to defile it again? She abandoned me, and I won't ever allow her to come back.
"I thought I wasn't important. All your crap is at Daisuke's anyway, so as far as I'm concerned you're no longer welcome in my house." I snap.
Riku flinches and pushes me back, and I almost fall down. "Just who do you think you are?! This is still our house! My name is on the lease just like yours!"
"Since dad's gone, I'm the boss and I say what goes! And I say get out!"
Riku slams the door shut behind her and crosses her arms in defiance. Her intended act of disobedience lit a fire in me. If she won't leave, then the police can drag her out.
"I'm calling the police!" I threatened, staring at her with disgust. I can't believe she just waltzed into my house and said she's coming back. What does she expect me to do? Welcome her with open arms after she left me all alone? I won't tolerate it!
"The police won't do a damn thing to me unless I threatened to hurt you, and in case you didn't know--I still live here!" she yells back.
I run up the steps to get the phone from my room to show her it wasn't a threat, it was a promise. But Riku zooms up the stairs after me, clutching my wrist before I can run into the room and lock the door. She spins me around to face her and shouts, "Do you honestly think mom would like it to see you kick me out of my own home?!"
I froze in place. My mind goes blank at the mention of her name. At that moment her smell suffused my nostrils, forcing me to relive the horrifying sight of the dying light in my mother's eyes while she layed in the hospital bed. I don't want this thought. I don't want to see it! I want to push it away from me!
Having entered my bout of insanity I scream back, "You filthy traitor! You took everything away from me! You even got a boyfriend before I did and even stole my true love away from me! I hate you!"
Just as I wanted to push my mother's deteriorating gaze away from me, I had lifted my hands and shoved Riku away from me. She flew back and tried to grip the railing, but it slipped away from her fingers, leaving three giant gashes carved into the wood from her nails. After her first and final attempt at rescue, she tumbled down the steps. I heard a sudden crack and she hit the ground, rolling to the door and hitting her spine against it. She layed there, face down and rigid for a what seemed like forever while I contemplated the senselessness of what I just did. The terrifying thought that I might've killed her takes hold of me and refuses to let me go. She's bleeding. There's a tiny pool of blood gathering underneath her limp arm. At the top of her elbow, a portion of ripped skin reveals a white surface. I trembled and covered my mouth in horror. My eyes welled up with hot tears and I began gasping and sobbing, trying to blink away the sight of Riku's motionless, bleeding body. But it wasn't going away. I felt this terrible, awful pain in my stomach. A powerful, swirling mix of emotions grasped me, and I sat there, crying, and clutching the railing.
What did I do? Oh God, she's not moving. She's completely still. She can't be. No, no, no...please. Please. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, no, no, no...please. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, Riku, I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to do it! Please do something! Wake up! Wake up!
Just as my brain was sending messages to my conciousness that I am a murderer, an insane girl who just killed her own sister, a completely psychotic, senseless maniac intentionally pushed her sibling down the steps and killed her...
She twitches.
I blink again and zoom in on her, at first believing that she didn't move. That my desire for her to suddenly spring back to life was causing me to hallucinate. Those horrible emotions are still swirling through me at a faster, intensifying rate. I breathe in a lung full of acrid air, the faint, but very present scent of her blood filling the air. She twitches again. She could be dead. She could be alive. Her nerve endings could be firing inside her frantically as she's dying. But is she? Is she--
She coughs. My heart skips a beat and starts beating like a frenzied drum. Riku..? Are you...?
She grunts and coughs again, and her broken arm begins to shake violently. I gasp and fall back in suprise, completely mesmerized by the fact that she still has life in her yet. I could've sworn...I thought she was...I could've sworn she was dead. She's...
I try to talk to her, but no words come out, and it occurs to me that I'm in such a state of shock I cannot speak. My second attempt at saying something comes out as a harsh gasp. I try to assemble my thoughts and ignore the overwhelming feelings boiling inside me. I attempt to speak a third time, and my voice finally decides to obey me.
"R-R...Riku...?" I whisper, even more tears trickling down my cheeks as I see her struggling to move.
Her eyes catch the protruding bone from her arm, and she screams out in pain. Riku holds her arm and releases another blood-curdling scream. Over and over she screams and gasps for breath. I shake my head and whimper, covering my ears. No, no, anything but this sound! No! No! Stop screaming! Stop it please! But Riku refuses to stop screaming. She refuses to cease her painful cries. She rolls over on her stomach and scratches at the door, leaving thin trails of dark red blood. With her unbroken arm, she reaches up to the door knob and tries to turn it. Her nails make tiny scratching sounds as she tries with no avail to grasp it. My head is screaming at me that I have to help her, that I can't just leave her there to struggle. Having gathered up what could loosely be called courage, I try to will my body to move. I tremble over to the first step, and my toes press down on the it, making it creak. Riku is startled by the creak and turns to me, distracted from escaping. I can see so many feelings in her eyes. Red rimmed and watery. Her orbs are full of fear, anger, pain and bitter malice. She squeezes her eyes shut and screams, "Don't come near me you fricken psychopath! I swear I'll hate you until the day you die! I want you to die!"
I mouth Riku's name, and let out another choked sob."I-I'm s...orry..." I stutter helplessly.
Riku lets out another painful, angonizing scream and stumbles to her feet. She looses her balance and slams against the wall, forcing her to yell out again. I want to help her, but my body isn't cooperating with me. As if bound in immobility by Riku's demands, I sit there on the steps, shivering and mouthing to her that I'm sorry. She reaches for the knob again and manages to open the door, the blood from her shattered skin dripping and defiling the carpet. She trips over her bookbag, making papers spill out. She grunts and with all her strength bolts out the door, screaming for help. The door is left open and I keep my eyes glued to the dark sky outside. After that...I sit there and wait.
Wait to die. Wait to faint. Wait to wake up from a horrible dream. Wait for the tranquility of the night sky to be disturbed by the sudden sound of the ambulance siren. But nothing. Nothing for hours. No one calls for me. The police don't arrive. I fall into the floor and slip into what feels like a coma. I can still feel the rough material of the rug against my skin. But I don't feel the cold steel or hear the clank of silver cuffs securing themselves around my wrist. Riku's screams have been silenced. For what seemed like only a few minutes, I see her falling down the steps over and over again. I keep on seeing those eyes of hers, filled with hatred...hatred for me.
"I want you to die!!"
All the while I could still feel the fire of her fury in me, leaving it's mark in my memory and my senses. I could only smell the strong scent of her blood. I could only see her eyes of hostility and the frenzied scrapings on the railing and the door. I could only hear her shrill screaming and her cruel denouncement of me. Her last words ring in my ears.
"Don't..."
"Near me.."
"Fricken psychopath..!!"
"Hate you..!!"
Riku's voice disappears slowly, and a new image comes into view. I'm so little. My fingers are so small...and my eyes are huge. I still have long hair. I'm crying, holding a porcelian doll in my hands. Riku's doll. She's petting her ginger spiral curls and telling me to calm down. I lost my grip. I fell down while we were playing and landed on Lucy. I cried for her. Riku wiped my tears away. I smiled and looked at her. She wasn't angry like I'd thought she'd be. Lucy was her favorite, and I broke her. I fell on her and shattered her leg to pieces. Riku picks up the broken pieces and places them in the pocket of Lucy's pink dress.
"It's okay to be silly sometimes." she said. "And it wasn't your fault. It was an accident."
"B-but..I b-broke her," I sobbed, "She'll never forgive me!"
Riku picked her up and cradled her in her arms. "No, she says it's okay. She's not angry okay?"
Mom entered the room, shaking the water droplets off her hands after cleaning the dishes. "What's wrong, pooh bear?"
"I b-broke Lucy.." I cried, hiding myself in my arms. "I'm such a bad girl!"
"Risa.." she picked me up and cradled me in her arms, just as Riku had done to Lucy. "She isn't angry. Riku told you this." She carried me into the kitchen and pointed at the magnet I had given her. Still in it's proper place, praising my mother. "Do you see that? 'World's Greatest Mom'. Would a bad girl think that about her mommy?'
"No.." I said, sniffing and wiping my cheeks.
"That's right." She sat down on the kitchen floor and motioned Riku to come to her. Riku sat in mom's lap and she braided my hair. "Your mommy's little girls. Right?"
We both nodded in unison.
"Yes," I said.
"Of course," said Riku.
She smiled and giggled at us. "I love you both..Risa, Riku...I just love you so much."
The darkness is lifting. I stir out of my coma slowly. It's still there. This emptiness. Why won't it leave? Oh god Riku...what have I done? Please forgive me...I didn't mean to...
I slowly rise up and rub my shoulders, trying to console my shattered heart. This isn't what she would've wanted. I broke another promise. I broke it. I hurt Riku..she told us to stick together. She told us to stay in school. She told us to take care of the house when she's gone. Not just me. I can't believe my life anymore. I completely lost myself. What I once was disappeared in a fog of memories and hatred..for everyone. I hate Daisuke. I hate my father. I hate Riku. But I don't hate you, mom. I didn't mean to disappoint you. I didn't mean to hurt her. I didn't want to be a bad girl..but I did. Are you happy where you are? Are you cold? Are you angry at me? Do you hate me just like Riku? Can you see me?
I love you, mom. I wish you could see me. I clean up the house if it makes you happy. I will. I turn around to look at the bottom of the stairs. Papers scattered everywhere. Blood stains on the carpet. No, it can't stay this way. Mom would ground me if she saw this.
If she saw this. But she'll never see again.
I walk down the steps, painfully savoring the scent of my mother. Maybe she is standing here, watching me walk down the steps, watching the papers strewn about the floor. A witness to what I've done. I sit down on the floor and try to assemble my thoughts so I can comprehend them one at a time. But so many images, so many messages are being sent to my brain. I'm a horrible person. What have I done? The blood is everywhere. Mom, I miss you. Where did Riku go? I am going to jail. How did this happen?
At first I was afraid to touch something that was hers, because a random memory of my mom telling me that I shouldn't touch something that is not mine pops up into my head and repeats itself again and again. I want to hear her voice so badly. Even if she somehow came back and cried and screamed like Riku did, telling me she hated me...I would love each and every word. Her voice would intoxicate me. It's because I want so bad for her to be here. I want her to yell at me and tell me I've done wrong. I want her to condemn me. Atleast I would stop revisiting these mindless, randomly appearing ruminations and finally grasp reality instead of walking down a endless road of confusion. I suddenly come across a paper that catches my attention. I can only see the word "Ris" in cursive. I slide the paper that was laying over it away to reveal my name. It says..."To: Riku and Risa". My eyes catch the words above it: "From: Yoshiro Harada"
My father.
I'm staring at a torn envelope. Apparently, Riku must have retrieved the mail while I was cleaning my house. She secretly slipped it in her bookbag and took it with her to school. Why didn't she show me earlier? I pick up the letter and study it. A rather thin letter. He must've not had much to say to us. I take the letter out and unfold the paper.
"Dear Riku and Risa,
These past few weeks have been extremely hard on all of us. We all miss mommy very much, but we need to be happy because mommy wouldn't want us to cry for her. The business trip will be over in about 2 more weeks. Just hold on a little while longer. I hate to have to write this to you both, but mommy's funeral expenses have left us penniless. This means you both have to get jobs. I don't care where you apply, but please do so soon. I haven't been paying the bills because of mommy, but after I'm done with this work here, things will be back to normal. I promise. I didn't forget my little star and my pooh bear.
Love, Dad"
Dear god. That's why Riku came over. She came over so dad wouldn't know what she did. She came over so we could be a family again. And to thank her, I nearly took her life. I injured Riku and threw her out of my ho--no...our home! I destroyed everything! What will happen when dad comes home and finds out what I did? I ruined everything...
I fell on the floor and layed in Riku's blood. I just can't forgive myself. I want to stay here forever. Maybe it's better that mom is gone. Then she can't see me like this. She won't ever know what I did to Riku. I won't have to face my guilt.
"Would a bad girl think that about her mommy?"
I'm not a bad girl. I'm an abomination..
Like "Wings of Desire", this story is also composed of Risa's and Satoshi's point of view. I was thinking about having just one chapter dedicated for Risa, then another one for Satoshi, but I now prefer the alternating points of view in one chapter. By the way, a good soundtrack that I believe really brings out the mood of this story is The Village. It is composed by James Newton Howard, and in my opinion, he really knows how to put despair, fear, anxiety, uncertainty and love into music. Oh, and Satoshi's episode was really short compared to Risa's narration of the story, but hopefully it will be longer in the future. Thoughts, please?