(Risa)
Any day now. Any minute now. I might be apprehended when I least expect it. But I know they're coming.
"I want you to die!"
I hang the pink dress she wore at Aunt Mieko's wedding in the closet because I can no longer bear the sight of it. It seems everything in the house is accusing me of a crime. I saw the porcelain dolls. Their bright, lifeless orbs bearing their mark in my soul. They no longer welcome me home. I have been shunned. It's because they know. They saw the whole thing. She saw it too. Lucy was sitting quietly with her little sisters on the rocking chair when all of a sudden..
They saw her falling down.
Now when I go downstairs I always see them. They all have mouths, but they can't speak. But if they could, I know what they would say.
"You did it...you did it..."
I go down the stairs and stare at the accusing bloodstain at the door. It won't disappear on it's own. I have to get it out. I know what I did. And I don't need that stain there to remind me. I strut into the kitchen and swipe the worn out sponge near the sink. Though it pains me more than I can say in words to rub the stain out with the sponge she used to use, I have to do it. It's a constant reminder of my guilt. To my horror, the stain is stubborn and won't come out. I'm too late. I was too shocked to move at the time. But now, because of my little bout of insanity, that stain is ingrained in the carpet. And now it will never leave. I must have rubbed the sponge into the carpet for well over an hour before I finally decided to give up. I sit against the door and try to avoid the dead eyes of the porcelain dolls. I might see my mother in them. Seeing as that's what drove me off the edge in the first place, I close my eyes. Now I can't see anything. Confined within the depth of my mind, I search for something that might serve as an anti-depressant. Only temporary, but I'd rather waste my life reliving my childhood memories than spend another minute in reality.
We were at the library. I wore my hair in pigtails then, obsessed with praise. Every adult who passed by my small form would stare at me in admiration, saying things like, "Oh, she's so cute," or "Look at her! She's adorable!"
Ever since I was 3 1/2, I was caught up in a relentless pursuit to be the perfect lady. Being the perfect lady meant every eye was on me. Being the perfect lady meant that handsome men would kiss my feet and beg me to wear their wedding ring. And so, to keep my image and my unrealistic dreams intact, I vowed to be a model of excellence even in my girlhood years. This meant that I had to dress irresistibly cute and steal as much affection from everyone as I could. One day, when I was 5, I was trying on mom's high heels without her knowledge. Though the shoes were several sizes way too big, it didn't discourage me. I knew someday my small feet would be as big as hers, and I could entice the perfect man while wearing a seductive pair of high heels. Unexpectedly, my mother walked into the room and started giggling. When I knew I had finally been caught, I threw her shoes in the closet and spun around to face her.
"Now why was mommy's little Risa-pooh trying on my shoes?" she said teasingly.
I blushed and and bowed my head in embarrassment. "I-I was trying to be like a lady."
"A lady, eh?" she asked, putting a finger to her chin and pondering something. "Well, did you know that a lady doesn't only have to be pretty?"
My head shot up in surprise. "Really? What else do they have to do?"
"Well, they have to be really well educated, too."
"Edu...catwed..?" I titled my head in confusion.
"Yes. Ed-u-ca-ted. It means to be smart."
I nodded. "How do I do that?"
"You have know how to read, and do so very frequently."
"Huh?"
She giggled again. "Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that me and daddy use big words that you don't understand."
I felt disappointed. How was I ever going to squeeze all the knowledge of the universe into my brain in time to grow up flawless? Mom could see I was unhappy with my new found obstacle, and took pity on me.
"Oh, that's right. I haven't taken you to the library yet, have I?"
"A...librawry?"
"Yes. It's a place where you learn for free. Unlike the rent, which is not free." she chuckled at her little joke and picked me up. "You want to go?"
I nodded enthusiastically.
While we were there, I could see books from every corner of me, and tall bookshelves that seemed so high they would fall on me. Intimidated by the sight I clung on to my mother's dress, and she smiled at me and ran her smooth fingers through my hair. If only I had told her how much her touch meant to me before she..
They were so soft. Her fingers. Sometimes when I went to bed she would sit by my bedside and give me a back massage. Now that she's not here to do that anymore I just..
My mind abandons that thought and presents the image of my mom and me in the library. She sits down in one of the narrow isles and pats the floor, telling Riku and I to sit down with her. She slides out a tattered copy of "The Ugly Duckling" and begins to read:
" '...Poor little ugly duckling!" she would say. "Why are you different from all the others?'"
" 'And the ugly duckling felt worse than ever. He secretly wept at night. He felt nobody wanted him.'"
" 'Nobody loves me! They all tease me! Why am I different from my brothers?'"
After she was done, I was relieved that the story had a happy ending. I thought he would never fit in and he would die alone, cold and lonely in the icy pond. My mother stood up and nudged Riku's shoulder, pointing at a child who's mother was coincidentally reading to him. I could only make out his weird spikey hair and his wide eyes, completely hypnotized by the story she was reading. Riku knew who it was, and her cheeks suddenly turned a warm pink. Did she have a crush on this boy?
A few minutes of staring obsessively at him passed and she decided to muster up the courage to approach him. I followed her, wanting to take a closer look at the little boy she was so enamored with. Of course it was little 5 year old Daisuke, and his insane mother Emiko, who was predictably reading him "The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow", relishing the expression of terror on her son's face.
I rolled my eyes in jealousy as Riku timidly stuttered and blushed while she talked to him.
"Oh, my little Dai! She sure is pretty! Is this your girlfriend?" Emiko asked.
Daisuke shook his head feverishly at the sight of me, probably thinking I was offended. I didn't know who he was then, but he seemed to know me. My mother even told me once when I got home from school that "That red-haired boy has followed you home on many occasions."
She tapped my head to get my attention. She smiled and showed me "The Collected Works of Edgar Allen Poe" and suggested I join her for some poetry. I agreed, and she sat down in the isle we were previously in, and read her favorite poem.
" 'It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden lived whom you may know, By the name of Annabel Lee..."
My eyes fluttered open to stare at the bloody floor and the mess of papers I was too afraid to clean up. The letter dad mailed to the house was still where I had dropped it last night. The contents of the letter flooded my brain, and it occurred to me that our living expenses were no longer being payed, so Riku and I had to get jobs. I have no idea where she ran off to. She is probably at Daisuke's house. Damn traitor. No, no, no, I have to stop calling her that. After what I've done to her, I have no right to hate her anymore. If anything, she should..
Great. How can I even show my face outside now? By this time every one knows what I did, since she sped out of the house screaming bloody murder. I can't bear the thought. Outside. All those eyes. Staring at me. Knowing what happened.
"You did it...You did it..."
I shake my head and stand up, weakly determined to find employment.
Maybe someone up there is taking pity on me. Or it could just be coincidence. Either way, that doesn't alter the fact that I am standing in front of the library, staring at a frighteningly convenient "Help Wanted" sign on the window. For the first time since my normal life was destroyed and I was thrown into recurrent phantasma to cope with my loss, something finally looks like it isn't going to crumble down on me. I could get this job. I could help for once, instead of moping in my deserted house, looking for a way out through my by-gone ruminations of my deceased mother. I look up and see a young woman trip over a pile of books she clumsily dropped. Yes, they definitely need help. And I'm going to give it to them. She would've been proud, had she been here.
I approach the counter and say, "Hello, I saw your help wanted sign in the window, and I'm interested in applying."
I look calm and composed on the outside, but I'm panicking and running around in circles on the inside. Did I sound professional? I tried to. I hope the librarian doesn't think I'm weird...or worse: tells me that some one else has taken my job. No, this is mine! I need this more than anyone else! Who ever wants this job better back off!
Unexpectedly, the librarian sighs in relief and ushers me into the nearest isle of bookshelves.
"Hallelujah! We have been waiting for someone to just waltz in here and ask for the job. Little Miyuki over there is having a tough time taking care of things by herself." she points to the girl who dropped the pile of books, who's now putting them in their proper place, looking flushed.
I smile and breathe, actually happy that this job was more within my reach than I thought it was.
"Um..alright, so...what do I do?"
"Well, right now, we need people to put put the books away, that's all. It's a quick and easy job, and you get paid 6.25 an hour. How long can you work?"
I had to restrain myself from jumping in joy at her words. How did I come across such fortune out of nowhere?
I thought for a moment. I could work all day, and earn the rent in no time. But..
"Don't be a dummy and not go to school, okay?"
I can't avoid class anymore. That's not what she would've wanted. I'll get to work after school. Her small and warm smile appears in my mind, and I push it away in fear that I'll get sucked up into another memory again.
"After school, all day." I murmured without much thought.
She clapped her hands together. "Great! You'll start tomorrow at 4:00." she looked over to the Miyuki girl and happily exclaimed, "For two weeks we've been waiting for someone to fill in, and finally we have someone."
Miyuki looked up and smiled at me. I didn't understand the librarian. She's in a place where people should be quiet and reserved, and she's yelling over to her. It's almost like..
I give her a confused look behind her back. Miyuki notices it and shrugs, "Hey, that's my sister for ya."
My smile fades and once again the horrifying memory of Riku clawing at the door with her red fingertips makes me shiver with unwanted guilt.
I'm sitting next to my lonely tree again. I'm staring at "S.H." carved into the wood. Why isn't he here? He seemed fine just a few days ago. Was it something I said? Have I spoiled this spot by sitting on it, and now he doesn't want to grace the tree with his presence anymore?
"You see, every day during lunch I retreat to the back of the school and paint at my tree."
Well, he went against his word. It's lunch time, the tree is in the back of the school, but no sign of Satoshi. Have I intruded into his space? Maybe he doesn't want me to sit here, and he's hiding somewhere, waiting for me to leave.
No, that can't be right. A few days ago he wanted me to sit with him. He even painted me. I wonder what he did with that painting. Does he just put all his paintings in a corner to collect dust and completely forgets them? That doesn't sound like what an artist would do.
From the corner of my eye, I can see someone's black shoe retreat from around the corner of the building. I gasp in surprise and stand up. Oh no! Someone knew I'm here when I'm not supposed to be! What if that person goes back to the principal and tells them I'm here? I can't be suspended, and I can't have detention! I have work after school, and my attendance already sucks as it is.
Worry is filling every fiber of my being, and I have to hold back the urge to bite my nails. Riku's bloody image comes to mind and I begin to entertain the possibility that it could've been a police officer. Everyone must know by now that Riku and I got into a violent fight that ended in her falling down the steps and breaking her arm. At least she's alive. When I heard that loud crack, my first thought was that she had snapped her neck. Augh! Stop thinking about it! I banish these thoughts and run after the person who mysteriously disappeared around the corner. I open the back doors of the school and peek inside. My heart jumps when I set my eyes on Satoshi, who's solemnly walking down the hall and about to go up the stairs to the 2nd floor, with a brand new canvas in hand. Looking at the canvas, I felt a twinge of pain in me. He didn't paint today. Lunch isn't even over, but he didn't visit his tree like he said he did everyday. Was it because...I was there?
I close the doors and lean against them. Of course he would. How predictable of him. It's always the same with Satoshi. In our relationship...if the few and very short encounters I've had with him can even be considered a relationship at all...he's the one who always walks away. It's like he likes me but he hates me too. He doesn't do that to Daisuke. He practically hangs out with Daisuke all day, with the exception of the lunch period, when he's alone no matter what. Why did he flee from me? I don't threaten him do I?
Wait a minute...what was I doing at the tree anyway? I wasn't actually waiting for him was I? Do I want him near me because he makes me feel pretty? No. He made me feel beautiful. Something that could loosely be called happiness was what I felt when he presented that painting to me. I...like him. He doesn't say hurtful things. He doesn't talk much. But he has his own way of making me feel less alone. It could be that...I haven't had someone to lean on since my mother died. And he sat next to me the whole time, just staying by me...slowly...making me feel better. It hurts to think...that he just walked away from me like that. His lonely form, with the blank canvas tucked underneath his arm...it's all so far from me now.
It's nice to be away from all the noise. Those whispering voices. Telling me that they all know what happened. Finally, the bell rang, releasing me from that oppressive establishment. Now I can be at peace, organizing books and...
Who's that? Is that Satoshi? He's at the library? Oh no! If he knows I work here, he'll never come back! I have to hide! Okay, okay, don't make noise, Risa, just hide behind something. Wait. Oh, what a relief. He's far away from me. He's about seven isles away, reading a book. I doubt he'll look up and suddenly notice..
What's that? On his face..his eyes look a little darker than they had before. And his cheeks? I rub my eyes and step a little closer to examine his profile. That can't be. Why in the world would he...
His cheek is...bruised. He looks like he's been slapped across the face. Did someone hurt him, or am I just seeing things? I have to be. That's impossible. Who would even attempt to hurt the top police officer in Azumano? He's bagged more criminals than anyone can remember. Of all the crooks in the town jail, half of them were put in there by him..
So, he couldn't have been mugged. Why does his lip look...swollen? Did he get into a brawl with a bank robber of some kind? Well, he is a police officer, so I can't rule out the possibility that some of the people he's caught didn't surrender without a fight. But it still bothers me. Why is he hurt? I want to ask him...but after seeing him walk away from me like that...it just sends me the notion that he wanted to avoid me on purpose. I don't understand what I could've done to him...unless...
Maybe he didn't want me to see him. Yeah, that's it. He probably didn't want me to see his face! Whatever the reason he was beat up, he avoided me because he didn't want to be humiliated! It's all coming together now! But wait...why would he avoid just me? All the students that passed by him would have to be blind not to notice his swollen lip and bruised cheek. Maybe he didn't want to paint today because his injuries put him in a bad mood. Or he could've painted today, but since I was at the tree, he was afraid that if he approached me, I would ask him what happened. He's not a person who likes to elaborate on things. Hmm...what did happen to him? No, no, Risa, you remember what they say: curiosity killed the cat. I need to mind my own business.
But I can't stop staring at him. He seems so restrained. It's like it's painful for him even to flip a page. He grunts in discomfort and accidentally drops his book, holding his chest. Miyuki drops her books and runs up to assist him. I can hear his deep, low voice telling her something like, "No, it's alright", or "It's nothing to worry about". She rubs his back and asks him what I think is "Are you sure?", and his reply is incoherent. I growl in jealousy as I stare at Miyuki running her fingers through his silky blue hair and asking him if he needs anything. Stop touching him! He didn't say you could touch him! Back off!
I clench my fists and shake my head. No! I have work to do! I can't be wasting my time staring at stupid Miyuki touching Satoshi anyway she likes! I don't care! I don't...
Satoshi? Why are you...staring at me like that? How did you know I was here? No! Stop looking at me! Stop it! You weren't supposed to know! Satoshi..
Why are you frowning at me? Why do you look so hurt? Is it something I did? No, no...don't leave. Please! Wait! No, don't go! I didn't mean to...what did I do?
He leaves the library in a rush, jogging down the rainy street with his book. No, it can't be. It is...
It's me. For some reason...whatever it may be...he wants to stay away. He wants to stay away from...me.
At my sweet smelling prison, separated from the world and all who inhabit it, I retreat to my bedroom, hoping I'll find some consolement from my mother's forgotten belongings. I use that pink dress as a blanket now, and the covers on my bed have become useless. I slip out the sea shell that I secretly carry around with me where ever I go. It's still as smooth as it was then, very satisfying evidence that my mother was once here. Though her existence has ended, it's as if she's still living somewhere...where ever she may be. She said she would be with me when I slept, and she didn't lie to me. Her smell is everywhere. She is a fading entity that still exerts her influence on this lonely home. And this small sea shell is proof of that.
She's sitting on her bed now. I can't read the expression on her face. Why is her lip quivering like that? Why are her eyes closed? And the phone is hanging off it's cradle. She has the sea shell in her hand, close to her heart, sliding her thumb down the surface of it. It's because she won't be able to hold it for very long. The phone has already rung. And the clock is already ticking.
2 Weeks Later...
The wind is blowing. The sun is hidden in the clouds, unlike that day when it was fearless and bright, sending it's rays down and scorching my fragile skin. Mom is not here watching a adorable crab peek it's beady eyes out of it's hiding place, gazing in awe at the beauty that was her. The air was as acrid as it was when my mother was still alive. The smell of salt and the creatures of the deep oasis makes my nose wrinkle in disgust. I never liked that smell when it was too strong. It was better when it was faint, though I can't recall a memory of it ever being mild instead of being very strong. Even the people a few miles from here could tell there was an ocean nearby.
We are strangers now. Riku and I. Everything we used to be is now completely destroyed. Destroyed by me. Yet I'm standing next to her on this beach, barefooted, trying not to remember what I had done to her. But the memory is still very alive. My father is silent. So is the crowd of mourners, all dressed in black. She hated that color. No, my mother was innocent in every way. She did not hate things. She disliked the color black. So why is everyone wearing that color? Everyone's eyes are on me, and I know what they're thinking. There's Risa Harada. She's used to be the most popular girl in her school, but her mother's death turned her into an obsessive recluse. There's Riku Harada. She broke her arm when she fell down the steps. Of course Risa had nothing to do with that. Oh, there's their father, who fled from his two daughters and his home town the moment his wife died.
Now the crowds searching eyes look to my father, who is cradling a jar in his hands as he would an infant. Terror and realization hit me in one powerful blow. He cremated her. No. He couldn't have. No. Why did he do that? He didn't even let us know. Why did he...?
Riku lets out a small gasp and takes baby steps to the jar, sliding her hand down the surface of it, just the way my mother had with her seashell. She looks up to him, pleading, silently pleading, as if saying, "Tell me you didn't do this." His gaze hits her hard, confirming her fear.
Trying to hold back my tears, I clench my fists and said with a broken voice, "You should not have made this decision without us."
His eyes meet mine, filled with fury and rage. How dare he! He burned her! Without our consent! You filthy traitor! Why didn't you tell me! You made this decision without us! You burned her, dammit! It was never your choice!
"Mom didn't want to be cremated." I growled.
He returns my glare. "Your mother wanted to be in the sea. We couldn't just dump her body in the ocean. Don't you know how a sea burial works? We had to cremate her."
I shook my head in defiance. "We didn't cremate her. You did."
Taken aback by my remark, he snaps back, "Young lady, I cannot tell you in words how upset I am with you right now. And after what you did to your sister, I don't want to hear your voice anymore."
I just stare at him with wide eyes, contemplating if I should say anything further to spite him. But I can't think of anything else to say. Here we are, having a family feud. At her funeral, of all places. I can't believe my life anymore. Everything has gone straight to hell. He cremated her. And he didn't even tell us. He just called us from home and told us to go to the beach. Here I am with Riku, right in the middle of a throng of people who think they knew who my mother was, staring in horrid disbelief at this jar.
He turns his attention to the crowd and and says, "My wife, Aya Harada, was the..."
My consciousness blackens. The image of my father holding the jar of her ashes fades away. My mind is shielding me. It doesn't want to me to hear any of these hurtful words. I think I finally am starting to realize the real purpose of my flashbacks. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. Maybe it kept me from killing myself. Maybe it's the only way I can escape. When I am trapt, this is the only way. In this endless sea of painful memories, this is how I can cope. By drowning myself in them.
My mother opens "The Collected Works of Edgar Allen Poe". I'm small now. We are in this narrow isle, and she is reading to me. Her favorite poem.
" It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden lived who you may know,
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea:
But we loved with a love that was more than love--
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this is the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me--
Yes!--that was the reason (as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we--
Of many far wiser than we--
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I see the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And, so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea--
In her tomb by the sounding sea."
Just so I don't somehow get in trouble, I'm verifying that this poem belongs solely to Edgar Allan Poe and no one else. Okay, now that that's out of the way, I just had to have a full-length poem in here. And "Annabel Lee" is one of my cherished favorites. I was disappointed that I didn't have enough room for Satoshi's episode, but that will be in the next chapter. I hope I'm not annoying or confusing anyone with all these flashbacks. I didn't want to make this chapter so long, since I'm pretty sure no one appreciates extremely long chapters unless something drastically important is happening and they can't get enough of it.