Solipsism

Jack: A Terrible Predicament

I don't know what's harder. Hearing the terrible news about Varna or seeing The Doctor's face as he absorbs what John has just said.

I have seen him really angry before. In fact, I have seen him really angry at me before and I really, really hope to never have it happen again. But I've never seen him this angry. And do I need to tell you, this anger? It is entirely in his eyes.

The amazing irony – and isn't this just how things always go? – is that I was feeling such profound and precious relief at finding John alive. I'm not entirely sure why, but I never doubted for a moment it truly was John Hart and not some sort of phantasm emerging from the escape pod. Maybe it was only because I so very much wished it to be so, but I never disbelieved what my eyes were telling me.

Granted, John and I have had our ups and downs. We've been enemies, we've been lovers, we've been accomplices, we've been co-conspirators, we've been heroes and we've been villains. But no matter what, the tie that binds us together has never snapped. Just like how I feel about The Doctor, John is always a part of me, whether I am physically with him or not. Just like The Doctor, John is a permanent fixture in the living room of my soul.

But unlike The Doctor, John Hart indulges if not revels in violence and the sensuality of brutality. Unlike The Doctor, John Hart has never placed morality high on his list of personal objectives. Unlike The Doctor, John Hart's ambitions and aspirations are ambiguous. You cannot ever truly trust John Hart. He's a fine man to have on your six as long as he doesn't pull a knife and insert it between your shoulder blades.

Like The Doctor, John Hart is unpredictable, capricious and sometimes even fickle.

As I look at The Doctor, his brown eyes pools of darkness against the ghostly white of his shockingly pale face, I realize I have no idea at this moment how he is going to react to that most terrible news. Surely he heard it, although to be honest I do not know how long he has been standing there, watching us. He might have seen the entire exchange, and although I have nothing to be embarrassed about, I'm suddenly uncomfortable regarding the words I spoke and how I touched John. I file away this strange uneasiness for dissection later.

"Get away from him, Jack," The Doctor snarls, his eyes suddenly searing.

"Doctor?"

"Don't make me say it a second time."

John's face is a study in apprehension. And why not? All of us have heard stories of the Time Lords, the powers they possess and the rage they can bring to bear. I've seen what can result from the fury of this Time Lord, and I would not wish that fury on anyone whom I might call "friend." John's eyes are pleading.

And I realize I am caught in a terrible predicament. Do I need to spell it out? Abandon John or oppose The Doctor. It's lose-lose and I hate lose-lose situations. I try to avoid such circumstances like the plague.

I turn my attention back toward The Doctor. "Please…" I say, but that's as far as I get.

"Jack," he sneers threateningly, eyes ablaze, as he pulls out his sonic and walks toward me, toward us.

In abject shock I realize he's going to use the fucking thing as a weapon. I've always suspected, but… I have never actually seen him do it. I react viscerally and without thought. I step back; I step away from John and in my shame I can't bear to look directly into his face.

With each of the Time Lord's steps in John's direction I take another step away. It is like some sort of obscene, ghastly dance. As The Doctor reaches my friend, his target, the sonic hums ominously and John closes his eyes, like a man about to be shot through the heart and thereby executed. I want to do the same thing – shut my eyes – but I force myself to watch. This is my fault, after all. I am a coward and a betrayer. I suck in a shallow breath and hold it.

And then inexplicably The Doctor lets his sonic drop to his side as he turns to look at me. "He's real!" he exclaims, a look of mild yet noteworthy surprise on his face.

I blink, unable to speak. But it turns out I don't need to because John has recovered quite nicely, thank you, for a man who was just about to meet his maker.

"Damn right I'm real," John hisses. "Who died and made you God? Gave you the right to go around threatening people with that… that thing?" John is glaring at the sonic in The Doctor's hand.

"Oh this?" The Doctor holds the sonic up in front of his face. "It was just in life form detection mode, you see I've run into…"

"You too? You've seen them? I mean, you've had encounters?" I blurt out.

He nods back at me and as he does his expression grows darker.

"Doctor," John says, "you need to tell me – did you look into any of the optical user interface adapters on the bridge?"

It's clear The Doctor is off mentally meandering somewhere else and not expecting John's question. For the briefest moment there's a flash of puzzlement on his face, but he regains his composure quickly. "You mean the console scanners? Yes, several..." He pauses for a beat. "Oh…"

John nods, then looks at me and explains, "Oh is right. It's the ship. Newhope. The nanoid com devices she placed into our frontal lobes, Jack. She can use them to exert influence on us… make us see things that aren't there." He swallows hard, "Feel things that aren't true and even do things we might not normally do."

Then John turns back to The Doctor. "No doubt she put one in your head when you looked into the UI adapter; you wouldn't have felt it. You were probably slightly influenced by her before that – I'm supposing you're at least somewhat telepathic like most highly advanced races – and therefore were indirectly and perhaps significantly affected by Jack's implant. Look, these devices are audaciously powerful and the ship's gone stark raving mad. She has some sort of covert agenda. I don't know what it is, but whatever she doesn't want anyone else along for the ride. She's trying to rid herself of us, one way or another, and I have no doubt she'll eventually succeed."

He pauses, waiting. I can tell he knows what's coming next and I suddenly get a reminder of how brave John Hart truly is.