Solipsism
Ten: Keeper of Secrets
I have lost companions to death. Many companions. Too many companions. And more than you know.
Did you think you know everything about me?
Ridiculous! I am a keeper of secrets, it is my nature.
Of those companions you recollect, here is my list – I have lost these to the "final adventure": Astrid Peth, the most recent and raw of the deaths, Katarina, Adric, Kamelion, and Sara Kingdom were all taken from me, all died violently, some heroically; Susan Foreman and Romana were lost in the Time War.
I am not pleased to learn that I will have to add another name to that sad catalog of death.
John is watching me, waiting for me to ask what I must ask and yet do not wish to know. Out of the corner of my eye I see Jack, my one companion – he who is so much more than a mere companion – who has managed to successfully and repeatedly cheat extinction.
Jack is looking at John, and in my mind's eye I see the glimmering thread that runs between them, the eternal cord that binds them together. The thread is thick and robust; it links their lives permanently, profoundly, and throughout time in all its myriad permutations. I don't mean to pry, I mean I don't want to pry, but the shine and radiance of their connection is inescapable and cannot be ignored. There is a part of me that is envious; I suppress that envy instantly, I have no right to be jealous.
I am a keeper of secrets. I conceal. I obfuscate. I disguise. I complicate.
I let you in; I let all of you in, but only to a point. No one will ever know everything. I am a Time Lord from Gallifrey. Shrouded in obscurity I come and go. This is the way it must always be. Forever and ever.
"Tell me what happened." The sound of my voice surprises me. It is low, soft, calm. Nothing like how I am feeling. Nothing like the hardness I know showing in my eyes. "Tell me about Varna Aden Timmochan."
John inhales loudly and purses his lips. He glances at Jack. He is frightened. But of what? Perhaps of me but he has to know that I would never harm him… unless… unless he is culpable. Unless he is implicated in the death of my companion.
If that is the case, I make no guarantees. I promise nothing.
"The ship started behaving strangely…" he begins.
Jack makes an odd sound and John sadly shakes his head, "No, not that way. Jack, we – you and I – were well aware Newhope was not your normal ship's AI. She was special, unique, and we experienced that exceptionalness together. But this, this was different. She would withdraw, not answer questions. Or she would provide bizarre answers. It didn't happen all the time but it was frequent enough to make Varna, and to a far lesser extent me, suspicious. But it was mostly Varna really, because I was having trouble fully absorbing, fully appreciating what was going on. I realized later this is because of the com I was, I still am, carrying around in my brain… but, I'm getting ahead of myself.
"Varna was aware of the com, of course. At the time, we weren't concerned about it but she had vehemently resisted having her own inserted due to physiological differences. At least that's what she claimed, but in retrospect she may have had other suspicions she wasn't sharing with me. I don't know.
"As I said, the ship was exhibiting odd behaviors. I think about the same time Varna stopped trusting Newhope she also began to have concerns for me. About me. Newhope did a couple of things wrong. I mean really wrong. She made several mistakes; errors in judgment. There were a number of almost freakish accidents. I think she was testing us. And maybe trying to frighten us as well. Again, at the time, it just didn't compute for me; the puzzle wasn't coming together. However, I could tell that something was deeply disturbing Varna and I could also tell she was reluctant to speak to me about it.
"Because, you see, Newhope wasn't the only one behaving strangely. That's when… that's when I started seeing other people on the ship, people I knew from before, from long ago. They would speak to me. They were all telling me variations of the same thing – they were telling me I needed to leave, that we were in danger; that along with Varna I needed to get off the ship as quickly as possible.
"At least a few times Varna overheard me talking when no one else was there. I can only imagine what she must've thought, how she must've felt. She kept it to herself, though. We never spoke of it..."
At this point John starts to break down. He's tensing his facial muscles, clenching his jaw, but it is doing no good. There are tears in his eyes and his hands are shaking. He's obviously upset, but there's more to it than that. He's also clearly terrified.
I watch, both fascinated and awed, as Jack flies to the side of his friend and puts his long, sturdy arm around John's shoulders. It makes me shiver in a not altogether familiar way. It is beautiful to behold, that outpouring of concern. Of empathy. Of loyalty. Of love. John Hart closes his eyes and for the briefest moment a look of serenity passes across his face. But then his eyes flash open once again and he tells us the rest of the story.