Solipsism

Ten: The Emotions Those Visits Have Wrought

"What do you mean?" I ask him, "When you say that she has us all?"

John laughs ruefully. "What I mean is each of us has a nanoid com inserted into our brain. Jack didn't have his removed when he left the Newhope, and now you have one too, Doctor. And she won't let us remove them – I tried. She did everything she could to stop me, including diversion and distraction; she warned that it would kill me if I attempted to remove or deactivate it. And using the coms, she can play with us however she wants; make us see things that aren't there. She can affect how we behave. It's a lot like hypnosis I think, while she can't force us to do something we don't want to do, she can make it damned attractive…

"Jack," John, his eyes feverishly ablaze, now turns to the Captain. "I've talked with you so many times! Each time I knew it wasn't really you, that it couldn't be you, but each time I more and more desperately wanted it to be you nonetheless. Each time I saw you I wanted more and more for what you were telling me to be true. That you wanted me… that you missed me… that you needed me… that you were waiting for me. That all I needed to do was leave the ship and I would be in your arms, in your bed. The two of us, forever together… I even let myself believe it once or twice."

John sounds angry, and I'm guessing he has that right. Despite my own terrible loss and sadness, I believe what this man is feeling easily trumps my sorrow.

"Each time it got harder to ignore you, Jack, harder to walk away from you. Because I do miss you, I do need you and I have waited so very, very long for you." He laughs again, even more frenziedly, even more disturbingly, "Hell, I don't know for sure even now if this is the real you!"

Granted, I feel like a bit of a fifth wheel in this intriguingly intimate conversation, but that's never stopped me from talking before. Besides, I'm seeing with startling clarity the significance in what John is saying. I'm sure Jack is seeing it, too.

"John, let me assure you," I announce as resolutely as possible, "that Jack and I are both quite real. And while we've not spoken of it, I'm guessing that he too, like me, has been confronted with his own demons while aboard this vessel." I look at Jack and he nods at me almost imperceptibly. "And that you are not alone in feeling, uh, the emotions those visits have wrought." I notice Jack looking at me quizzically, just as I knew he would. He's wondering who I saw, just as I'm wondering who haunted his waking dreams.

"Doctor," Jack's voice is soft, preternaturally calm, "at risk of stating the obvious, I agree with Newhope: we need to get off this ship."

I raise an eyebrow and look at him. I'm fairly certain he really is Jack, but I don't particularly like what I'm hearing him say in light of what we've just learned.

"Why?" I ask.

"Why what?" The snarky response confirms it – there's no doubt it's really Jack.

"Why do you think we need to leave?"

"Because it isn't freaking safe here, Doctor, and while I'm incredibly sorry about Varna, there's no reason in hell for us to stay." Jack frowns deeply, "It's nothing but trouble, and what do I always say about trouble?"

He turns to John, holds up his hand and starts counting on his fingers, "Don't get into it to begin with, especially don't bring it home with you, never start a war on two fronts, and especially don't start a land war in Asia. This ship is trouble, Doctor. And, John, if what you're saying is true, I don't even actually understand why she's letting us have this freaking conversation. She could kill us all without a moment's notice if she wanted!"

John's eyes narrow, "I'm just guessing here but I don't believe murdering us is her endgame, she simply wants us gone. Maybe she's allowing this," he waves his arms expansively, "to take place because she thinks it is somehow useful to her. Once we're out of the way, however it happens, she'll be free to do whatever it is she's waiting to do."

"Exactly! And that's precisely why we can't leave!" I declare, but Jack doesn't appear convinced.