Chapter 10

Jim stared at Ashley's bedroom door for a moment before heading back to the elevator. Some fresh air and solitude would do him good after the few days he had spent worrying about the whole idea of coming to a place like this to help a stranger who made it her business to study and collect freaks.

Of course, nothing was ever easy. Helen Magnus was on the roof, standing on one of the battlements and staring out at the city below.

"Good evening, Detective Ellison," she greeted him.

"Don't do it," he deadpanned. "You have so much of your life ahead of you."

She turned then, giving a mirthless laugh. "You really have no idea."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. I'll go."

"No need," she assured him, stepping down from the parapet and approaching. "We should talk."

"Talk?"

"You seem ill-at-ease with me. Or perhaps it is not me but my vocation. In either event, there's nothing to be solved by avoiding the issue. If you have a problem with me, I'd like to know what it is so I can try to ease your concerns on the subject."

"I just don't like you wanting to study me and Blair. For a lot of reasons."

"Blair mentioned that you've always had a particular aversion to being considered anything other than normal. In your drive to protect him, you seem to have superimposed some of the same anxiety onto him."

"It isn't just the freak thing."

"Oh? What, then?"

He sighed, considering. "When you're little and you see a magician on stage doing all these amazing tricks…" He hesitated, embarrassed.

"Yes?" she encouraged him. "Go ahead, Jim."

"Magic. You're just so amazed. It affirms your belief in magic, leaves you with a sense of wonder and awe. Then your prick of a brother has to go and tell you exactly how every trick really works."

Her expression was understanding. "Suddenly the magic seems somehow less?"

"Yes!" He nodded.

She smiled. "I don't see how anything I might have to say can lessen the depth and wonder of what you and Detective Sandburg share. Perhaps, in defining it, you might even find your estimation of it increased?" she suggested. "I've never found my work to have a particularly demystifying effect. Rather, it enhances my appreciation of the things I study. Detective Ellison, you shouldn't be afraid of the truth. It's a constant companion whether you know it or not. It's always there, in light as well as darkness. And knowing it seldom changes a damned thing."

Jim considered her words, staring out at the city beneath. "It's a hell of a view you've got up here."

She rested her hand on his arm. "I'm not your enemy, Jim. Look around this place. My whole goal here is to try to allow as many people as possible to lead as normal a life as they can. I think that's all most people want, a normal life." She smiled sadly. "I wouldn't mind having one of those myself."

"So why don't you walk away?"

"Could you walk away? Knowing what you know, what you're capable of? Could you really leave it all behind?" She shrugged. "How could I? These people need me. And there's always more to do, others to protect. It's inescapable."

He sighed. "I know that feeling."

"You and I aren't so different," she told him. "We both have traits that set us apart from normal men and women, that allow us to do tremendous things. And we both have a very strong instinct to protect. And to serve."

He smiled at her wording. "Don't get me wrong, Helen. You seem like a nice enough woman." Even if your daughter's a complete psychopath. "I just don't want to be studied. And that includes you trying to figure out what effect my presence or absence has on Blair. Far as I can see, that's our business."

"I can understand your defensiveness."

"Really? Anyone ever tried to stick you under a microscope? Called you a freak? Harassed your family because of it?" He shook his head. "Sorry, Helen, but you don't have any idea."

"No, your circumstances are unique. Everyone's are. It doesn't mean we can't empathize with each other." She sighed at her continued inability to reach him. "Did Blair tell you that I think it's possible to blunt a Sentinel's senses to normal levels?"

He had long since gotten used to being different, but his heart still gave a jump at her words.

"If you really don't want any part of this world…"

"You always this manipulative?"

"I wouldn't call myself manipulative. I merely want what's best for my patients."

"Look, I am not one of your patients. I may not like being a freak, but you were right earlier. I can't walk away from this life."

"Nor, from what Blair has told me, would you wish to."

"No, guess I wouldn't."

"It is a part of you, yet you refuse to embrace it. Why?"

"It's not that I refuse to embrace it. I just don't like being the focus of any kind of attention."

She regarded him thoughtfully. "Is that instinctive on your part?"

"Instinctive?" he repeated.

"Yes. In my experience, the desire to avoid detection is often of the utmost survival value."

"There you go, comparing me to an animal. This is why I don't like scientists."

He turned away from the surprised-looking woman.

"I meant no offense," she assured him.

"Doesn't matter what you meant. Still says it all about how you think of us."

"Jim…"

"Good night, Doctor Magnus," he answered shortly, leaving the roof before she could react.

0101010

Jim's sleep had been restless. When he did sleep, he dreamed he was in one of the glass-enclosed cells under the Sanctuary. These dreams featured an oversized wheel to run around in, and Doctor Magnus, watching him and scribbling rapidly on a clipboard.

Every time he woke up, he cast out with his senses until he could hear Blair's breathing and heartbeat, and the other man's presence and serenity soothed him. And, eventually, he would find himself sleeping again. Then the same nightmare would force him back awake again.

Morning came. Finally. And when it did, he was grateful, because he might have been tired and more than a little grumpy as a result, but it was daytime and their day promised to be a full one. Spending time with Maria and her sister would at least give him something to do other than laying in the dark, staring at the ceiling and facing things he would rather not think about.

"Cheer up, Jim," Blair suggested as they walked down to the lab where Magnus had plans to run more tests on Maria. "What's wrong, anyway?"

He shook his head. "This is just starting to remind me of old times, Chief. I'd almost forgotten how hard it was, being different."

"Jim, man," Blair sighed, touching his arm and stepping into a side hallway, nodding for Jim to follow him.

"We promised Maria and Corey that we'd be there by eight."

"We still have ten minutes," Blair answered. "You okay, Jim?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "It's been years. I should be over all the fear and doubt. But I'm not…"

Blair sighed. "I never planned on this upsetting you. Maybe you should just go back to Cascade. I should never have asked you to come in the first place."

"You're my partner. I go where you go, back you up. That's how it works."

"No, not if this is hard on you. I have no right to expect you to stay. I should never have asked you to come along in the first place."

"What about Maria?"

"I think I can handle things from here. Hell, Jim, I probably could have all along. I just thought…"

"You thought this whole experience might exorcise some old demons."

"Pretty much. Silly?"

"Nah. Well-meaning." Jim smacked him on the shoulder. "I'll be fine here for a few more days," he assured Blair. "Let's get down to the lab. Maria and Corey will be expecting us."

When they reached the lab, Maria was perched on her sister's knees, playing Bejeweled on the computer and quietly singing 'Hotel California' as she played. Corey was sitting there with a smile on her face, looking completely at peace.

"Morning, Corey," Jim greeted the older girl. "Maria."

"G' morning, Uncle Jim," Maria answered without looking up from the screen. "Hi-o, Blair."

Corey rose to her feet, carefully transferring Maria onto the chair she had just vacated without the girl having to take her eyes off the screen once. Smiling indulgently, she moved to join Jim and Blair by the door.

"She's so much more herself today. I really can't find words to thank you."

"It isn't necessary," Blair assured her. "We're just glad that she's feeling better." He smiled widely at her. "Looks like you got a good night's sleep yourself for a change."

"Yes. For a change." She smiled and shook her head. "I'd almost forgotten what it felt like. I mean, first Maria was lost and I spent my days tromping through the woods looking for her, then she got back and she was so scared of every little thing. And then her senses started getting out of control. I'd say it's been like a roller-coaster nonstop, but I used to enjoy those."

"You'll learn to appreciate these ups and downs, too," Blair promised her, patting her arm. "Trust me, before much longer there'll be as many good times as bad. And not too long after that, there'll hardly ever be any bad times to speak of at all."

She smiled and nodded, staring at her feet. "I believe you."

"I hope so. Remember, I know what I'm doing."

"I know. And I'm going to take you up on that offer to call you any time I need help."

"You'd better," he answered, winking at her.

Jim rolled his eyes and glanced at the clock. "Wonder where Helen is?"

Corey looked at the clock, too, frowning. "She said she would be here. She's never been late before."

"Something must have come up with another guest here," Blair guessed.

As if on cue, the lights flickered and went out, only to be quickly replaced by dim emergency lighting.

"Oh, that can't be good," Blair murmured, ushering Corey farther into the room.

Maria looked at the now-dead computer with a frown. "I was about to beat my high score!" she protested, folding her arms over her chest and pouting.

"You'll have plenty of time to do so again," Corey promised, her voice shaking slightly. At Maria's suspicious look, she cleared her throat and spoke with more composure. "It's just a little power-cut. It's winter. Power cuts happen all the time in winter."

"But it wasn't snowing outside," the girl pointed out, looking around anxiously.

Jim dialed his hearing all the way up, half-expecting to hear screams and commotion outside. But it was eerily quiet. He would almost have preferred running footsteps and frantic voices.

Now humming 'Bad Moon', Maria dug through her sister's purse and pulled out a Nintendo DS. Every bit the normal eight year old, she appeared oblivious to the crisis. Jim frowned at her and realized that this was far from the truth. Although she was putting on a brave face, the little girl was obviously terrified. Her heart was racing, her face tense. He would have walked over and hugged her, except that probably would have impressed the gravity of the situation on her and scared her worse. He willed his spirit animal to go to her instead, not sure if it even worked that way.

As he was trying to make up his mind as to whether or not to leave the lab and find out what was going on, Helen Magnus came in, her breathing heavy as if she had just been running, her expression frantic.