We all make mistakes, and we all feel regret. It can be small and trivial or it can end up with disastrous consequences. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, you can go back and try to fix it or cover it up. Most of the time, however, you can't really mend it, but you can get over it and choose to move on.
And then other times, you end up with something very big and very messy on your hands, and everything seems too shitty to fix. What's even worse is when that feeling is right, and there's nothing you can do to get out of the knee-deep pile of crap you've gotten yourself in.
When Jude woke up the next morning, she was in her car, naked, lying next to a naked Tommy Quincy.
As her slowly-awakening brain processed the situation, she realized that she had done this completely sober.
"Damn it!" she cursed loudly, loud enough that Tommy was woken up. How could I give in? I went to London to do my own thing, and here I am, doing the exact opposite.
"Hey," he said, cautiously. It was obvious he remembered their non-intoxicated states, too.
"Look, I don't know what happened last night-"
"We," he interrupted, gesturing at their bodies, "had sex," this time he gestured at their enclosure, "in your car. Sober."
"I mean, I know what we did last night, but I don't know what I was thinking. We aren't going to do this Tommy. You and I are going to go on like nothing happened. We're going to go home, and we're going to say to everyone who noticed we were gone that we walked around the city, separately."
His face tightened, but he nodded. "If that's what you want, Jude." How could I have been so stupid? he thought. Of course this wasn't getting back together.
Quickly, they both dressed.
--
Speid and Karma were talking about ways Karma could make money when they heard a knock. "I'll get it," he whispered, kissing her cheek. He stood up and walked over to the door.
"Hey dude. Can we stay here?" Wally asked, standing next to Kyle. They both had suitcases behind them. "We'll help pay the rent, and stuff."
"My parents threw me out," Kyle said. "And Wally's parents… well, you know." Speid did know. Wally's mom was always away, and only came home around Christmas to drop off a present and give Wally a stiff hug. Wally's dad had died a few months before.
Before Speid could reply, though, Karma appeared. "Of course," she said. At Speid's raised eyebrow she hastily added "but you have to help clean."
"Alright!" they exclaimed. As they gathered up their suitcases, Speid pulled Karma aside.
"You sure you're okay with this?" he whispered. "I know living with the three of us isn't exactly pleasant: just ask Jude to tell you some tour stories."
"I'm okay with it," she said. "Really, it's not like it'll be any bother. This place is big, albeit a bit trashy."
"I think some kindness rubbed off on you, babe. You've started to mellow out."
"Never," she scoffed. "I don't soften for anyone." She turned towards Wally and Kyle and yelled "Now get started on the bathrooms!"
"Aye, aye!" they said. Karma tried to hide her smile; Speid saw it anyways.
--
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late," Jude said, panting, as she ran into Haley and Rob's apartment. She'd been caught up in songwriting; suddenly she wasn't so blocked anymore.
She looked up and only saw Rob. "Dude, where's Haley and Ben?"
"I don't know," Rob said. "But those two have been dancing around each other since I joined the band.
"When'd you join the band?" she asked, curious. She realized she didn't know much about Lacy Prat besides their ages; Ben at fifteen, Haley at twenty-two, and Rob at twenty. And then she took in the other part of Rob's statement. "And what do you mean dancing around each other?"
"I joined the band three years ago. Ben was in sixth grade; Haley was twenty. Their attraction was obvious to anyone who spent an extended period of time with the two of them. At first it was really weird, but then it seemed… natural, you know?" Jude sat, disbelieving.
"I never saw the attraction," she said.
"Well of course you didn't, but they've gotten better at toning it down," he said matter-of-factly. "Anyways, I wouldn't be surprised if they finally got together. Took them long enough." He suddenly looked nervous. "You aren't gonna report them, are you? Because the authorities are real strict about that here. I know it doesn't seem right, but just wait; you'll see. Just please don't tell if they have gotten together."
"It'd be hypocritical if I did," she said softly.
"What?" he asked, looking confused.
"Yeah, what?" Haley asked, and Jude just noticed her and Ben's presence in the room. "Because, um… well, we did get together."
Jude sighed. "I know you guys don't know much about my past, because my music never really made it past the boundaries of Canada and the United States, but before I left, I dated my producer. Well, there's a long story behind that…" She told them everything starting from the first day when she'd said "Seriously, Little Tommy Q?" and he'd corrected her, (glaring at her the entire time) to the day where she'd run to his door and said, "Let's do it. All of it."
When she finished, Haley launched herself at Jude. "Oh my god, you have no idea how glad I am that someone knows what this is like."
"Yeah, I know. I wish I'd had someone to tell me how to handle it when it happened to me," Jude said. Suddenly she burst into tears. "Or at least someone to talk to about it. It was hard, you know." Haley hugged her tighter, and Jude cried some more while Rob and Ben looked on awkwardly.
When Jude pulled away, Rob said "Well, what can I say? I guess we're not going to get to recording today." Jude laughed, wiping away tears.
--
It had been a month since Tommy had been to London. In that past month, he hadn't left the studio except to sleep and, or so he'd said, eat. Everyone had been noticing him looking a little thinner, and he didn't have anything at the studio except water and Nana's occasional cookie.
One day, Tommy was at the mixing board, co-producing Speid's album with Kwest, when he collapsed.
"Tommy," Kwest said. "Tommy!" Speid came crashing out of the studio, having seen Tommy's collapse.
"Squinty! Come one, wake up! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! TOMMY!" All Speid got was a distant-sounding "Jude?" Speid breathed a sigh of relief at Tommy's sign of consciousness, however dim it might be.
"Keep talking to him," Kwest said, running upstairs to phone an ambulance. Speid nodded.
"Yeah, it's Jude," Speid said, knowing very well that Tommy would fall unconscious if he knew that it was anyone else.
"Jude, why'd you take it back? I thought it was all good, I thought we were going to be good again. But you said it was a mistake," Tommy said faintly, waking more with each word.
"Shh, we didn't make a mistake. Shh," Speid said, telling him whatever he needed to stay conscious. But then he got curious. "Why would I say it was a mistake?"
"You said it was a mistake. But Jude, that wasn't true! We were sober! We can't blame having sex on anything! I cried every night for the rest of the time I was in London. But I kept my promise; I didn't tell Jaime or Kwest or anyone." Speid dropped his hand in shock; the irony was hilarious- Jaime and Kwest had set out to find Jude, and Tommy, trying to avoid her, seemed to be the only one to find her- but the irony was seriously overruled by the shock. Jude was not the type to regret loving anyone, much less to regret loving anyone with the last name Quincy.
"Jude? Jude?!" Tommy began getting frantic. Speid, still shell-shocked, didn't answer. Tommy blacked out.
--
Jude came back from bathroom breaks that were becoming daily. She'd throw-up and cry, knowing that her vomiting was a sign of the inevitable; Tommy and her's impromptu rendezvous had left her pregnant.
This time, however, Lacy Prat had seen her tear tracks as she ran to the bathroom.
"Jude, you need to tell us what's going on," Haley said, pulling her down onto a church bench. Jude looked at Ben and Rob out of the corner of her eye. Haley, seeing this, nodded. "You two," she yelled, looking up. "Go take a break." They nodded and left, and Haley looked at her expectantly.
"Tommy and I had sex a month ago," Jude blurted out suddenly, needing to let this out. She hadn't told anyone about this. "And I'm pretty damn sure I'm hauling." At Haley's confused look, she said "Hauling another being." Comprehension dawned on Haley's face, and she opened her arms wide. I buried my face in her chest, crying.
"Have you thought about what you want to do?" Haley asked softly.
"I'm not ready for a child," Jude said. "Especially not right now, when I don't know if this album's going to turn a profit. I want an abortion."
Haley nodded. "I understand completely."
"You don't think that's cruel?" Jude said, looking up.
"No, Jude. I understand; it's not cruel if you can't handle it."
Jude bit her lip. "But I don't have the money for it. I'm paying only half the rent so Sadie can get what she needs, but it's still taking up almost all of my salary. I've literally got no money to spend on anything except groceries."
Haley lifted Jude's head to eye level with hers. "I can give you the money Jude. And before you begin to protest, remember, I only pay half rent on a cheap, crappy apartment and I've got money left over from groceries." Jude sighed. She knew that Haley was right, but she didn't like to take other people's money. It would have been so much better if her mother hadn't been draining her trust fund until there was nothing left, taking it all out by her eighteenth birthday. But unfortunately, she did need this money, and she needed it bad.
"Fine," she said. "But you've got to let me pay you back somehow."
Haley looked down, knowing that Jude wouldn't like her condition, but also knowing that it was only fair. "You have to tell Tommy. You can tell him after you get the abortion if you want, but you have to tell him. I know it's going to hurt Jude, but you know as well as I that he deserves to know. It's your body, but that's just something someone has to know."
Jude nodded, and burst into fresh sobs.
Rob and Ben entered the church's chapel now, and as Jude's sobs subsided, Ben said "You know a song will help with whatever it is." Jude nodded.
She started tuning her guitar while Haley adjusted the microphone and Ben and Rob stood by the computer. "Ready," she said. Ben nodded and pressed the record button.
"Hello to everybody who's listening. I know I don't ever really do intros, but this song needs it. It's called Can't Take Back, and it's about how everybody makes mistakes, and no matter how much you wish you could go back and change the past, life isn't a script; what's said and done is permanent." Jude took a deep breath, and then began.
"I know it's petty and useless
Everyone knows
You can't take back
Something like that
I'm sorry but
I can't take back
Words that I said
Once they're out there
They're there forever
Yes, I made a mistake
I know what it was
I'll try not to do it again
But I can't promise
'Cause I'm still human
I can't take back
Words that I said
Once they're out there
They're there forever
Can't we get past this
Without going through that awkward phase
Where I
Try with no success
To cover up the words I said
Everyone knows
You can't cover it up
Or take it back
I can't take back
Words that I said
Once they're out there
They're there forever
My words are there forever"
Jude closed her eyes. Singing always helped her just let it out. It was the only valid therapy for her, and right now, Jude needed all the therapy she could get; she was a mess.
Yeah, yeah, I know, this is what I call a wall? I leave for just a few days and come back with a 2000+ word chapter? Don't worry, I'll hit a wall soon enough. I hope. I also doubt (I know, I'm such a contradictorary person).
Well, anyways, hope you enjoyed the update. I told you life wasn't going to get peachy anytime soon. Flame me ("maim me/ tame me/ you can never change me!") if you like (sorry for the reference right there; I couldn't help myself; cookie to anyone who gets it!), but I honestly am proud of my work, so please note that unless you provide a valid point I will ignore your comment. I won't delete it, however. I do believe in free speech and all that.
cheers,
breezy