Chapter 2
Shuuhei had never considered himself a nervous person. Shy perhaps, a bit of what others would call, stiff necked… but not nervous. He liked to think that he came off as cold, maybe even inscrutable at times. But when you had people underneath you, people that looked up to you, followed you… it was the way it had to be. If you let your guard down around your subordinates, joked with them, or made friends with them, their respect would falter. In battle, a moment's hesitation could mean the life or death of several comrades; maybe even jeopardize an entire mission. It was much easier to follow a leader you respected as opposed to someone you drank or played cards with… especially if that leader was sending you to certain death.
The last four years, Vice Captain Hisagi Shuuhei had given his all to bring the pride and moral back to the Ninth Division. He had done the work of both the Captain and the Vice Captain, and had never missed a beat. His reports always came in on time, neat and organized; he oversaw the training of every new member personally; he had picked up the pieces that Kaname Tousen had left behind, and rebuilt the Ninth with his own two hands… alone.
So why did this board scare the living shit out of him? Why was he bent over the sink for the third time that afternoon, light headed and his face aflame?
This is so stupid… If anyone has a chance at Captain it's me… right?
He took a deep breath and straitened, but left his arms on the counter to support himself.
"You look very pathetic right now Hisagi-san."
Shuuhei's eyes snapped open to see Izuru Kira standing in the doorway.
"How long have you been standing there Kira?" Shuuhei asked.
"Long enough to know the real reason you didn't want to go to lunch with us today."
Shuuhei turned on the water and splashed some over his face. "I'm fine, I just wasn't hungry."
"Sure." Kira muttered.
"Just don't tell anyone please." Shuuhei sighed, "I trust you, but Yumichika would make sure everyone knew in about twelve minutes."
Kira laughed. "Who knows? Ayasegawa-san might find this 'tragically beautiful' or something. The humble shinigami reluctant to be Captain after being Captain for four years… He could twist it around to something like that."
"I'm not reluctant." Shuuhei straitened all the way, and rubbed the back of his neck.
"I didn't say you were."
The tattooed shinigami reached for a washcloth, and realized the cloth on the bottom of the pile wasn't flush with the rest. Instead of drying his face, he worked on straightening the small stack.
He mumbled as he worked. "What if they don't choose me? What was all this hard work for...? And then there's the whole bankai thing…"
"Fidgeting…" Kira sighed.
Shuuhei abruptly stopped and stood staring at the floor for several moments."I'm so…"
"Scared?" Kira asked when he fell silent again.
"Terrified…"Shuuhei glanced at his pale face in the mirror. "I look like shit…"
"Yes you do," came the reply.
Several more long moments passed until Shuuhei realized Kira was laughing at him. He looked up at the blond, and made a face.
"What?" Whoa, that came out way whinier than I expected…
"You're just ridiculous you know?" Kira pushed off the wall and backed out the door. "Out of all of us, you're the surest thing, and you are by far the most nervous!"
"I can't help it." Shuuhei followed out the door.
I have so much to lose…
X x X x X x X
The tavern was crowded as usual, but the atmosphere was laid back. Most of the patrons kept to themselves, and stayed relatively quiet. Shuuhei and Kira made their way to the usual spot in the back where their friends were waiting.
"Shuuhei-kun, why didn't you come to lunch today?" Yumichika exclaimed, "I brought four different kinds of tea for you to try!"
"I apologize Ayasegawa-san, I haven't been feeling well today." He ignored Kira's snicker as he lowered himself to sit across from the boisterous man.
"Ah, so polite," Yumichika sighed, "I can't stay mad at you."
"Evening, Madarame-dono." Shuuhei greeted Yumichika's brooding companion.
Ikkaku's scowl only deepened, "He's been pissin' and moanin' all day about that damn tea, and all it took was that little apology... I don't get it."
"Shuuhei-kun is just more sensitive to my feelings." He slid a large bottle of sake across the table and handed it to Ikkaku, "Here, drink this. It'll relax you."
Shuuhei looked at the three bottles of sake left on the table. They were too far apart, and the one the left was closer to the edge of the table then the one on the right. He reached out to form a better center piece, but Yumichika and Ikkaku's voiced stopped him.
"Fidgeting…" they said in unison.
Shuuhei crossed his arms over his chest; his silent self reminder not to play with random objects. Over the years his friends had grown tired of asking why he did it, and just started barking- "Hisagi, you're doing it again"- or- "Hisagi, you're fidgeting"… Recently, they had shortened it to just "fidgeting". He couldn't help it, he liked to straighten things.
Kira reached across the table and grabbed one of the bottles. He filled two cups, and handed one to Shuuhei. "So have you heard anything? Do you know what's going to happen?" He took a long swallow.
Shuuhei just looked down into his cup and felt his stomach do a flip flop.
"All I've heard is there's going to be a panel," Yumichika leaned back onto Ikkaku's chest, "all the current Captains, and twenty or thirty Central Office members."
Kira gasped, "Twenty or thirty?"
"Yes."
Shuuhei pushed his cup away, and laid his head on the table. If they didn't stop talking about it soon, his head was going to spin off.
"Shuuhei-kun! Are you alright?" Yumichika reached across the table and placed it on Shuuhei's shoulder. "Do we need to take you to Fourth Division?"
Shuuhei slowly lifted his head and shook it. "No, I'm okay. Let's just talk about something else."
Ikkaku pulled Yumichika back against his chest, and wrapped his free arm around the smaller man's waist. "What the hell else do you wanna talk about? The board's the only thing going on right now."
"That's exactly why he doesn't want to talk about it anymore," Kira came to his defense, "it's all he's thought about since they announced it."
"Since they announced it?" Yumichika's eyes widened, "that was like a year ago…"
Shuuhei drowned them out. He was more interested in watching Ikkaku's thumb gently caress the skin of Yumichika's arm. Such a simple gesture, but yet it said so much. The two had an almost perfect relationship, Ikkaku let Yumichika do and say whatever he wanted, and Yumichika gave Ikkaku whatever he wanted. The trust and love the two shared had no bounds. Shuuhei had always been torn between being profoundly happy for his two friends, and being insanely jealous of their bond.
If only I had someone like that… I probably wouldn't be such a stiff…
Then, as if Yumichika could hear his thoughts, (a subject Shuuhei had seriously pondered in the past) he asked, "So where are Matsumoto and Abarai-kun?"
Shuuhei was sure his heart had stopped. The moment in which he forgot to breath, stretched on in his head for what seemed like hours.
Abarai… Renji? Here? When? Why didn't I know? Wait… I'm so stupid! OF COURSE he'd be here! He's going to go before the board too!
"HISAGI!" Kira's hand came in contact with the back of the tattooed shinigami's head.
Shuuhei sucked in a deep breath, and glared at Kira."What!" He rubbed the sore spot.
"You were turnin' blue," Kira took another swallow of sake, "You okay?"
Shuuhei turned to Yumichika and Ikkaku, who were grinning at him quite unabashedly. "Um… yeah… I think." He turned to Kira. "What were you saying about Matsumoto and R… Abarai?"
Kira's cheeks were beginning to pink; he had never been able to handle his booze very well. He took another long swallow, and reached for the bottle."Matsumoto went to the real world yess'erday to get Abarai. She wanted an excuse to see the Orihime girl again. They should have arrived 's morning."
Shuuhei felt his chest was going to explode. He stared wide eyed at the table for a few seconds before he said lamely, "I see…"
He heard Yumichika giggle, "They should be getting here soon. I talked to Rangiku earlier and I told her to come and bring Abarai-kun."
"It'll be nice to see that asshole after all this time." Ikkaku put in, "It's been like two years hasn't it?"
"Two and two months…" Shuuhei said without thinking. He felt his cheeks grow hot.
Yumichika grin widened. "Wow Shuu-chan."
Shuuhei looked up. "What? You know I keep perfect records. I just remember when he left... And don't call me that."
"Okay," Yumichika stole the bottle from Ikkaku and took a sip, but then grimaced and gave it back.
Despite the tease, Shuuhei was fighting the urge to grin like a madman.
Renji is back…
He hadn't felt this good in several weeks. He felt almost… giddy. He reached for his abandoned cup of sake, but then changed his mind."Oi waiter!" he waved his hands over his head.
Ikkaku cocked his eyebrow, "What are you doing Hisagi?"
"I'm starving." Shuuhei said as he motioned to the large man in the apron.
Yumichika giggled again, but Shuuhei ignored it.
X x X x X x X
"I really wanted to get some sleep tonight Matsumoto," Renji grumbled, "I have a lot of work to do tomorrow."
The tall blond snorted, "Liar, you don't have anything to do tomorrow- just like I don't. The Captains were ordered to go easy on us the rest of the week."
"But I'm not sure I'm up for-"
"Oh hush!" Matsumoto stopped in front of the tavern and whirled around to face him. Waving one finger at him, and placing the other on her hip, she scolded, "Your friends haven't seen you in forever, and I promised them I'd bring you tonight!"
Renji couldn't help but grin a little."Awww, they missed me?"
Matsumoto rolled her eyes. "Yes Renji-kun! Everyone missed you! Everyone likes you!"
Renji followed her through the entrance. "That's not true;" his grin grew wider, "your Captain doesn't like me."
"Hitsugaya Taichou doesn't like anyone. He either hates you, or tolerates you. You're one of the lucky few he tolerates."
"Oh, I see."
They made their way past tables filled with people talking and laughing. The atmosphere was just as Renji remembered. The lights, the colors, the smells, all played with the red head's senses, filling his stomach with a warm feeling and his head with fond memories. He hated to admit it, but this was exactly what he needed. It was good to be home.
Suddenly, he was jostled from his reflection by a high pitch squeal.
"MATSUMOTO-CHAAAAAN! ABARAI-KUUUUUN!"
Renji peered around Matsumoto, to see Yumichika with his hands in the air waving ardently. Ikkaku was alternating between grinning at him and grimacing every time Yumichika crushed his lower regions. Kira looked up from across the table, and smiled a lazy drunken Kira smile. Renji felt a swell in his chest, he had missed his friends. He had missed Yumichika's over enthusiasm and Ikkaku's lazy smile. He had even missed Kira, and his superior looks.
But someone was missing. He surprised himself by being a little hurt that Hisagi wasn't there. After all they were friends, weren't they? Renji had always considered Shuuhei a friend…
He's probably busy… That guy is always busy…
"Hello everyone!" Matsumoto exclaimed, as they reached the table, "I've brought Abarai-kun! Did you drink all the sake already?" She plopped down unceremoniously at the head of the table next to Kira.
"No," Kira said softly, "here." He pushed the bottle towards the busty woman, and she accepted it graciously.
"Renji-kun sit down!" Yumichika exclaimed. He motioned to the cushion across from Matsumoto. "Drink! Relax! Gossip!"
Renji chuckled as he sat. "I don't have anything to gossip about."
Yumichika shrugged, "Okay fine, I'll gossip and you drink."
"Good idea." Renji reached for the last bottle on the table.
Yumichika leaned forward and said softly, "So how do you feel about the whole thing?"
Renji took a long swallow. "What thing?"
Yumichika rolled his eyes. "The board silly. What else?"
Renji found something infinitely interesting inside the sake bottle. His emotions on that particular subject were still a monsoon. He didn't really want to think about it, but he was going to be asked that question a lot in the next few days. He needed an answer. He pondered for a few seconds before speaking.
"Ask me after…"
The couple suspected something was amiss, but they were smart enough not to press the matter further. They didn't need two sick Vice Captains at the table.Yumichika pushed into another conversation to lift the tension.
"So you really should tell us how you've been. Well… no, actually you should wait until Shuuhei-kun gets back. He'll be upset he missed out."
The bottle stopped halfway to Renji's lips.
"Shuuhei is here?" He looked around the table, but Matsumoto and Kira were ignoring him, having their own conversation. "Where the hell is he?"
"Bathroom." Ikkaku said, "I think he ate too fast."
"He was just excited," Yumichika said. "I'm glad he finally ate something."
Renji gave them a puzzled look.
"He hasn't eaten in a few days." Yumichika explained, "He's stressed about the board."
Sake dribbled down Renji's chin, "That doesn't make any sense," he wiped it away with his hand and shook his head, "Shuuhei's making Captain is a sure thing. Why is he so nervous?"
Yumichika and Ikkaku shrugged simultaneously. The movement would have been comical if Renji hadn't been so confused.
Shuuhei's here huh?
Renji grinned, and started to tug at the neck of his haori. He pulled at the black outer layer so it was slightly off center. He then tugged at the white keikogi underneath so one side stuck out farther than usual and the other showed no white at all.
Yumichika gasped, and covered a giggle with his hand. "You're horrible Abarai-kun!"
Ikkaku didn't mask his laughter at all.
Suddenly, Yumichika looked past Renji. "Ooh, just in time!" He whispered, still trying not to laugh.
Renji took a quick drink from the bottle, as Yumichika squeaked. "Ah Shuuhei-kun! You're back!"
Renji felt strong hands on his shoulders. He looked up to see Hisagi Shuuhei's tattooed face grinning down at him.
"Abarai!" Shuuhei growled.
"Hisagi!" Renji couldn't help but match his friend's grin. Shuuhei had a pleasant aura about him, and one couldn't help but get caught up in it.
"How have you been? What's been happening? How is everything in Karakura?" Shuuhei bombarded him with questions as he sat down.
Renji chuckled, "I'm alright, nothing outside the usual, and Karakura is still there."
Gods he's gotten skinny…
Renji's eyes wandered for a half second, and took in the other Vice Captain's appearance. Shuuhei had always been slender, but where he used to be lithe, now he seemed gaunt. He had lost girth around his jaw and on his cheeks. The circles under his eyes weren't really dark per say, but they looked unhealthy nonetheless.
Still hot though…
Renji's mouth twitched at the memory of his small academy crush. Back when Shuuhei had been head of the class; perfect and untouchable. Renji had stood in the crowd of would-be shinigami with Kira and Hinamori, listening to instructions, a heat growing in his loins from just hearing Hisagi's voice.
But that had been then and this was now. Hisagi was his good friend and comrade. He had been there for Renji time and time again, and probably didn't want to know he had anything to do with an effect on Renji's nether regions.
The red head took another swallow and pushed those thoughts from his mind."Yumichika tells me there's gossip."
Shuuhei leaned back and rolled his eyes. "There's always gossip, especially if it's Ayasegawa-san." His gaze flashed to Renji's neckline, but back to his face just as quickly. If Renji had blinked, he would have missed it.
Taking another drink to mask his grin, he turned to Yumichika. Ikkaku had his face buried in the smaller man's back; his shoulders shaking with the effort of not laughing.Yumichika didn't miss a beat.
"The big story on everyone's lips is: Unohana Taichou might be pregnant."
Renji spilled more sake down his chin."Seriously?" he wiped his chin a second time.
"Yes." Yumichika nodded.
Renji smiled, "Your Captain's kind of a stud huh?"
Yumichika and Ikkaku nodded proudly.
"Unohana Taichou is rarely seen before noon nowadays," Shuuhei added. "And there's the fact that Zaraki Taichou walks around with a fools grin every second."
Renji glanced back at the dark haired shinigami. Shuuhei was blatantly staring at Renji's collar now.
Across the table, Matsumoto and Kira were noticing too. Kira had his chin in his hands and his lips were set in a crooked smile. Matsumoto had a hand over her mouth to stifle giggles.
"I see…" Renji said, turning back to Shuuhei, "But Zaraki Taichou has always walked around with a fools grin. And as for Unohana Taichou… that could just mean she's busy, you know, doing rounds in the morning or something."
"I don't know, maybe." Shuuhei said distractedly as his hand reached up, and tugged at Renji's haori. He pulled the black fabric back into place, and was reaching for the keikogi when Renji interrupted.
"Hisagi…"
"Yeah?" Still tugging.
"You're fidgeting…"
X x X x X x X
Shuuhei froze as his friends burst into laughter. He sat back and crossed his arms as he felt his face turn seven shades of red. Ikkaku was crying leaning against Yumichika's convulsing shoulder. Kira had laid his head on the table and was chuckling staring stupidly up at him. Matsumoto took turns laughing and chugging from her bottle.
"I hate you guys." He mumbled, but couldn't suppress a smile as the others roared.
"I can't believe that still works!" Ikkaku choked.
Shuuhei made a face. "I can't help it…"
He knew Renji would have that stupid devil grin on his face, so he didn't look at him. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if he hadn't been thinking about ripping the red head's cloths off since he came back from the bathroom. The man had gotten sexier since he last saw him- if that was possible. His hair was longer, even tied back it hung past his shoulders. His skin had darkened, if ever so slightly and still looked as smooth and touchable as ever. His shoulders had become broader also, probably from all the sparring with that Kurosaki kid.
Damn urge to mess with stuff is going to get me into trouble…
But Shuuhei had also noticed something in Renji's eyes; something he really didn't like. He couldn't be sure, but it seemed like a deep sort of melancholy, a profound sadness that hadn't been there when he had left for the real world years back. The fiery red head was still beautiful, but he had aged considerably.
He put the thought out of his mind when the conversation turned back to Renji.
"So Abarai, tell us," Yumichika settled down again in Ikkaku's lap, "How are things in the real world?"
Renji's smile faded, and he looked down at his hands."They're alright I guess…"
"Alright?" Ikkaku asked, his words muffled by Yumichika's hair, "Just alright? That's all there is in two years?"
Renji frowned, and tossed back the remainder of the bottle. "What do you want me to say? They all graduated, Ishida went to America for a while, Sado started a dojo and teaches martial arts to little kids…" he paused for a second, "Ichigo's… being Ichigo…"
After he trailed off, Renji waved the waiter over and ordered another few bottles of sake. As the large man left, Renji returned his gaze to his hands.
"How is that little fucker doing anyway," Ikkaku asked, "he still an ass?"
Renji smiled, but it looked forced to Shuuhei. "Yeah, still an ass…"
"Orihime is doing well too!" Matsumoto chimed in, "She's going to cooking school to be a pastry chef!"
Yumichika made a face, "Thank the gods! I thought I was going to die the time she made that bean… cucumber… what was it Ikkaku?"
Ikkaku frowned, "I have no idea… wasn't it like a pie or something?"
The conversation continued smoothly for the next few hours. But Shuuhei noticed Renji talking less and less, and drinking more and more. Matsumoto was doing a good job of covering for him, but every time someone asked the red head a question about the real world, he seemed to cave in on himself.
What happened over there?
Finally, the tavern owner started to yell for everyone to leave. Shuuhei stood, and helped Kira to his feet.
"Matsumoto-chan, can you walk me home?" Kira almost whispered, "I don't think I can walk by myself."
Matsumoto, not too steady herself, wrapped her arm around Kira's shoulders and kissed him on the cheek.
"Of course ototo-chan." She guided him past the table, but almost tripped herself.
"I love you onee-san…"
"Oh hush…"Shuuhei watched their backs as they made their clumsy way toward the door.
Shuuhei turned to his Eleventh Division friends. He chuckled at Ikkaku trying to grope Yumichika, and the smaller man batting his hands away. Ikkaku grunted and finally just slung Yumichika over his shoulder and stood, earning him a loud squeak and a punch in the back.
"What are you a cave man!?" Yumichika was giggling though, giving himself away. "This is so undignified, and sooooo not beautiful!"
"Night Ayasegawa-san!" Shuuhei called after them.
"Goodnight Shuu-chaaaan! Abarai-kuuuuun!"
Shuuhei looked down, and his smile faded. Renji was still sitting at the table, shoulders hunched, eyes glazed over, his third bottle of sake empty in his hand.
"Abarai." Shuuhei said.
When Renji didn't respond, he knelt beside his friend and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Oi, Renji!"
This time the red head looked at him, and Shuuhei almost recoiled. Renji's eyes were so full of anguish and loss, the dark haired shinigami almost felt like crying.
"Gods, Renji…" Shuuhei squeezed his shoulder, "What happened?"
Suddenly, Renji seemed to remember where he was. He blinked at Shuuhei, and shook his head slightly.
"It duzzint matter… help m'up."
Shuuhei stood, and pulled Renji to his feet.
"You okay to get home?" Shuuhei asked.
"Um… yeah… 'm fine." But before he could finish his statement, he was heading towards the floor again.
"Oi!" Shuuhei caught him, and slung an arm over his shoulder. "Okay, let's go."
The walk to Renji's quarters was long, but Shuuhei loved the feel of soft red hair on his neck. The press of Renji's firm hip against his own wasn't bad either.
Stop it… he warned himself.
Sliding the shoji open was kind of hard. Getting Renji to his futon was harder, for the brute had already passed out. But the hardest thing was keeping his hands from doing bad things as he pulled off Renji's waraji and tabi, and started to untie the obi.
Before Shuuhei could think, or maybe because it was so unexpected he was shocked into immobility, it happened. Renji reached up, grabbed Shuuhei's hand, and rolled to his side. Shuuhei caught his breath and tried to slow his pulse as he found his front pressed against Renji's back.
Oh gods… oh gods…
Shuuhei didn't know what to do. The feel of Renji's skin against his own was intense, the smell of Renji's hair was completely intoxicating, and the warmth of his body so close… gods so close…
He had to move. He had to move now! If Renji were to wake up and find him like this, their friendship would probably be over. Renji would never speak to him again, and Shuuhei couldn't live with that.
Slowly, he tried to slide his hand out from Renji's grasp, bit by tiny bit. But just as he thought he was free, Renji tightened his grip.
Shit!
Renji groaned, and Shuuhei held his breath. That was a sound he had heard in his dreams thousands and thousands of times. Alone at night in his quarters, he would imagine that sound as he brought himself to release with a hiss and an arm over his eyes. He would arch his back as he came in his hand, and try to envision what the face accompanying that moan would look like in the throes of passion.
"Stay…" came Renji's almost inaudible voice.
Gods, I would stay with you forever if you wanted me to Renji… But I'm not the woman you're dreaming about…
This had to stop.
"Renji," he whispered gently, "Renji you have to let me go…"
But Renji pulled Shuuhei's arm tighter around himself.
"No." The red head whispered back, "I will not."
Shit, shit…
"Renji I can't stay here, you have to let go."
Renji caved in on himself again, curling into a fetal position.
"Please…" he whispered agonizingly soft, "please don't leave me…"
Shuuhei dropped his head onto a broad shoulder, and was contemplating that maybe staying the night was worth the beating in the morning, when Renji's shoulders began to shake. Shuuhei's head snapped up, ready to shout and curse at the bastard for playing this cruel of a joke on him. But then he realized Renji wasn't laughing…
He was crying.
Sobs wracked his body, soundless and violent. He held Shuuhei's hand so tightly the slighter man felt bones creaking.
Shuuhei was stunned, shocked into immobility a second time. Who had hurt Renji so much, that this was what he was reduced to? The great Abarai Renji, who never gave up, never backed down, even when he faced the whole of Soul Society?
Renji sucked in air through his teeth. "Please… don't leave me Ichigo…"
Shuuhei was finding it hard to breath; the air was too thick. For several minutes, the dark haired man held the other as he cried. The convulsing sobs eventually gave way to panting. Then even that conceded to exhaustion.
Shuuhei lay pressed against Renji's back, listening to the steady in and out. Felt the beat of the others heart against his chest.
Ichigo? Had he and Ichigo…
A ray of hope stirred inside Shuuhei's heart. He made his decision. Sinking down into the futon, he curled himself around Renji's form. Bringing his lips to Renji's ear, Shuuhei whispered. "It's okay Renji. I'm here."
Renji made a small noise, and pulled his arm tighter.
This could be the dumbest thing I've ever done…
But at that moment, it didn't matter. Shuuhei cared too much for the stupid red head to leave him alone.
As sleep found him, Shuuhei sighed to himself.
I can't help it…
To be continued…