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Chapter 18

Shuuhei sat outside on the steps that led to the garden. His body was slack as he leaned against the roof support and his eyes were downcast. He watched a group of ants scurrying frantically around the carcass of a dead beetle. He listened to the wind whistling as it danced through the branches of the sakura trees.

For the first time in as long as the shinigami could remember, he didn't feel the need to touch anything. He didn't want to fix… anything. He had no desire to do anything whatsoever except sit on those steps and wait for his shattered heart to climb down from his throat and return itself to his chest. He could almost feel the individual pieces beating throughout his body. It didn't really hurt, at least not yet. Shuuhei knew he was hovering in that moment before the pain. Like the second after his hand touched a hot kettle and he instinctively pull away to wait for the agony that would inevitably come.

He should have known… but the truth was he had known, that was the problem. He knew he was getting himself into something that would potentially break him. Shuuhei had fooled himself into thinking that Renji had let go of Ichigo. He had fantasized that the red head had not necessarily fallen out of love with the younger man, but maybe his heartache had lessened. Maybe he had been able to mend some of the torn pieces of Renji. Maybe Renji had begun to love him a little…

But he had been wrong. Dead fucking wrong. Renji's bond with Ichigo was so much deeper than the one he shared with Shuuhei. The two had fought side by side in the war, they had bled together and almost died together. Shuuhei had no chance of competing with that. And now… now if Ichigo knew about Renji's feelings… and if Ichigo now felt he could confess feelings of his own… What if Ichigo loved Renji too?

Shuuhei rested his forehead in the palm of his hand and closed his eyes. Of course Ichigo loved Renji, how could he not? Shuuhei had seen the two of them together. He had seen the way Ichigo's body pressed against the taller man's. He had felt the way the younger man's reiatsu curled around Renji, wanting, needing. Hollow or not, the feelings were there between them. Shuuhei couldn't fight them, he couldn't do anything.

"Hisagi-san," came Hitsugaya's voice from the doorway. "We need you in…" the young Captain's voice trailed off and Shuuhei looked back to see what was wrong.

"Yes, Taichou?" Shuuhei asked hoarsely.

Hitsugaya regarded him with a frown, not the usual scowl he usually wore, which struck Shuuhei as particularly odd. Then, to further his surprise, the white – haired shinigami stepped outside and closed the door behind him. Wordlessly, he moved forward, sat down on the steps, and thrust a warm mug into the taller man's hands.

"Here," Hitsugaya said gruffly. "Drink it. You might not like the taste, but it clears the head a bit and relaxes at the same time."

Shuuhei stared down at the dark liquid, slightly cautious. "Did Urahara-san make this?"

Hitsugaya snorted. "You think I would drink anything that man concocted if I wasn't dying?"

Shuuhei relented and took a small sip from the mug. The substance was bitter, but had a unique, musky flavor to it. He rolled it over his tongue as he tested its thickness.

"It's not tea, Hisagi," Hitsugaya muttered, watching him. "Just drink it."

Shuuhei swallowed, appreciating the richness the substance had and the smooth way it coated his throat. "It's good," he whispered, taking another sip.

Hitsugaya's eyebrows rose in mild surprise. "It's called 'coffee'. I got it from Kuchiki Taichou."

Shuuhei nodded. He had heard of the drink but had never tried it before.

Hitsugaya's gaze turned towards the garden. "I'm not going to ask you if you're alright, because that would be stupid."

Shuuhei nodded. "Yes, Taichou," he said quietly.

"I'm not going to ask what's wrong either," the young Captain continued. "I don't want to know any details. There's too much happening right now, and I have Soul Society breathing down my neck every second." He sighed and took a moment to watch the fountain as the water gurgled and splashed over rocks and jutting stocks of bamboo. "I want you to know though, Hisagi… If you need anything…" he trailed off.

Shuuhei was touched. He managed a small smile and handed the mug back to the younger shinigami.

"Thank you, Taichou."

Hitsugaya grunted in reply and stood after taking the cup.

"Urahara wants to discuss our attack plans, so don't be too long out here."

Shuuhei nodded. "I'll be in soon."

Hitsugaya returned to the door and Shuuhei heard the wood sliding open on the track. Moments past and Shuuhei didn't hear the shoji close. He quested out with his reiatsu and found Hitsugaya still standing in the doorway. The young Captain was contemplating- rolling thoughts around in his genius brain.

"I have no right to say this," Hitsugaya said softly, "for I am not erudite in the ways of relationships or… intimacy… but I know love, Hisagi. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that is what Abarai feels for you."

Shuuhei involuntarily gasped, and twisted his torso violently around to confront the small Captain, but Hitsugaya was gone. The door was closed and there was not even a trace of the other shinigami's reiatsu.

All that remained was the barest touch of an icy breeze dancing across the skin of Shuuhei's cheeks…

X x X x X

"Renji…" Ichigo whispered. "Do you love me?"

Renji blinked at the man beside him. The moment was the most surreal the shinigami had ever experienced. Not because of what Ichigo was asking, or how Ichigo was acting, but because of what Renji suddenly realized his answer was.

Not even an hour ago, if someone had asked the red head if he loved Ichigo, he would have said yes. It would have been a sad love, unfulfilled and unanswered, but love nevertheless. He had steeled himself in the knowledge that he would always have feelings for his friend, but he would move on for the sake of Ichigo and Orihime; for every one of his friends. He would get on with his life as a shinigami and bury his love deep in his heart for the rest of eternity.

But now sitting in the sun-kissed room, listening to the quiet breeze as it blew past the window, and looking into the saddened eyes of his best friend, Renji felt a sudden realization creep into his heart. It filled the organ and pumped out into his veins. The wonderful calm coursed through his limbs as this new awareness spread through his body.

Renji held Ichigo's gaze and slowly shook his head.

"No…" he said softly. The answer sounded so strange to him after it being yes for so long. "I used to, Ichigo… more than anything… but not anymore…"

Ichigo squeezed his eyes shut as fresh tears fell from underneath his lids. He turned his head away and let out a gush of air he had been holding for a long time.

"I'm so sorry to put you though this, Ichigo," Renji said into his lap. "I don't like it when you're angry at me, but causing you to hurt… I can't stand that."

Ichigo furiously shook his head.

"No… no, it's good," Ichigo said as he wiped fiercely at his eyes. "I'm so glad to hear that you have no idea. I was so worried I was going to regret what I did."

Renji turned to look at the younger man. "What did you do?"

Ichigo shifted and pulled his legs crossed underneath him. He hunched over a little and sighed at his feet.

"It's… kinda hard to talk about… It's embarrassing…"

Renji took a chance and punched him in the arm. Ichigo grunted and rubbed the sore spot.

"Hey asshole!" Renji growled. "I think a lot of our problems can be solved with some damn communication! So let's start right now! What did you do that you might have regretted?"

Ichigo glanced at him out of the corner of his eye before looking back into his lap.

"After… After the war… and you saving me… and you… just…" Ichigo growled and scrubbed at his reddening face. "I sorta got… feelings for you… a little bit… And I didn't know what to do cause you were a guy and all… I really wrestled with it for a long time, but… I finally gave up because I was sure you'd never feel the same way." The younger man sighed deeply and rested his head against the wall. "I had Orihime… and she was great. She's always loved me a lot so…"

Renji ran a hand over his hair, chuckling at the irony of the whole situation.

"Yeah," he said. "It's easier when you have someone else…"

Ichigo looked at Renji then and cocked an eyebrow. Renji looked back and turned a little pink himself.

"What?" the red head asked.

"Who do you have, Renji?" Ichigo was almost smiling.

Renji looked at the floor unable to hide the grin that easily spread across his face.

"Uh… Shuuhei…"

Ichigo's eyebrows rose. "Shuuhei?" he turned and frowned across the room. "Oh… it makes sense now…"

Renji's turned back to him. "What? What makes sense?"

Ichigo shook his head quickly. "Nothing… just some stuff he said… makes sense now…" he chuckled and turned back to look at Renji. "I wouldn't have guessed Shuuhei swung that way…"

Renji tried not to laugh. "Shuuhei swings pretty much every way."

"Dude," Ichigo chuckled again. "I really don't wanna hear that."

Renji's smile faded quickly as he remembered the fight he'd had with Shuuhei earlier.

"Well," he said softly. "I hope I have Shuuhei anyway… I was kinda a jackass a little while ago…"

Ichigo was silent for a few seconds thinking. But then he shifted to stand and pushed off the wall.

"I'm sure it'll be okay Renji," Ichigo said. "Shuuhei's a good guy, and I'm sure he cares about you a lot."

"How could you know?" Renji made a face as Ichigo helped him to his feet.

"I just… Some stuff he did… I just know." Ichigo absently rubbed the side of his jaw and frowned.

Renji decided not to pursue it and looked at the floor again, suddenly uncomfortable.

"So, Ichigo…" the red head folded his arms and shifted nervously.

"Hmm?"

"You uh… Are we okay?" he looked up slowly, worried at the expression he might see there.

Ichigo responded by punching Renji in the shoulder.

"Of course we're fine, retard."

Renji smiled and punched back but missed as Ichigo ducked out of the way. The younger man's face became sober again and he moved closer to Renji.

"Are we supposed to like hug or something now?" Ichigo asked. "I still feel kinda weird… like we're still separated…"

Renji didn't answer. He just pulled the younger man against him and wrapped his arms around the shorter boy's shoulders. When Ichigo returned the hug tightly, Renji thought happily to himself, This must be what having a little brother feels like…

When they pulled away, Ichigo was reluctant to let go. He stood looking up into Renji's face; brown eyes traveled over the tattoos on the red head's forehead and neck, and looked questioningly up into Renji's dark eyes.

"I'll always wonder…" Ichigo said quietly.

Renji put a hand on the back of his friend's neck and brought their foreheads together.

"Always wonder… but never regret…"

Ichigo smiled, and nodded his agreement.

"Never regret."

X x X x X

Urahara had spread a map over the table, and the shinigami were discussing the best areas to draw the hollows to when Ichigo and Renji emerged from the bedroom. Orihime smiled and stood to kiss Ichigo on the cheek before making room for him on her cushion. Several words were murmured to Ichigo welcoming him back and wishing him good health as the young man sat.

Shuuhei glanced up as Renji sat down excitedly next to Yumichika and Ikkaku. The three began going over the different areas Ishida had suggested they use for an ambush. Shuuhei watched, oblivious to everything but Renji as the others caught Ichigo up on what he had missed.

"Oh, by the way," Ichigo spoke up. "Does anyone know why the hollow gutted a bunch of cats and left them on the porch?"

Chad spoke quietly from the other side of the table. "I believe they were mimicking an old Spanish ghost story. I don't remember the name of it, but the story is about a couple of the devil's lieutenants. They want to impress the devil so they make a list of everyone in this town they're going to kill. Then they disembowel a cat and leave it on the doorstep of every household they intend to visit later that night. It served as a warning or omen for the coming kill."

"Oh how horrid!" Yumichika gasped.

Chad shrugged. "It's the most likely scenario I can think of."

"You seem to know a lot of random shit, Sado-kun," Ikkaku noted.

Chad shrugged again. "I liked ghost stories when I was a kid."

Urahara tapped the map on the table to get everyone's attention back.

"So, this is quite a simple plan," Urahara explained. "But the execution will be difficult. We're going to have to draw this last hollow out, trick him into giving away his position." The blonde pointed to several places on the map. "We'll have four teams of two stationed along this stretch of road in the park, right here by the water fountain. Up here at the top of this building, Ishida will be stationed with a partner. Orihime-san, Tessai, and Hanataro-kun will wait outside the park and will act as a relief team." The shopkeeper motioned to Ishida as he continued. "Ishida-kun should have no trouble striking a hit after the hollow gives himself away. His arrow will flip the reiatsu and give the ambush teams the opening they need to attack."

Renji was looking intently at the map when suddenly he frowned and looked back up at Urahara.

"After the hollow gives himself away? What do you mean by that? How's that gonna work?"

Urahara tapped his closed fan on his chin and looked at the shinigami calmly.

"Two of us get to be bait…" the shopkeeper said.

The silence stretched on endlessly. No one had forgotten the conclusion Ishida and the others had come to earlier about this last horseman being unable to miss. Tension flared as the shinigami looked at the floor, weighing the implications of this mission. It was very possible whoever was chosen to lure their enemy out would not be coming home.

Ichigo looked evenly at Urahara as Orihime grasped his hand tightly.

"This is the only way?"

Urahara nodded solemnly.

Shuuhei sat against the wall and though hard about many things he hadn't pondered since the war. He had a division to return to, he couldn't leave them alone without a leader again. The Ninth Squad was finally coming together again. But then again, just because he wasn't bait, didn't mean there was no risk of dying. They could all very well be dead in the morning, there were no guarantees. Besides, what was 

more honorable than dying in the heat of battle, dying for a cause like saving your friends… protecting the ones you love…

Shuuhei's leader sense kicked in. He remembered something Kaname Tosen had told him years before.

"Hisagi… you should never ask your subordinates to do something you are not willing to do yourself…"

Shuuhei stood silently and said clearly to everyone.

"I volunteer to be the bait."

It took a few seconds to realize he was not the only one to have spoken. Hitsugaya, Renji, Kira, and Ichigo had all stood as well and all five shinigami had spoken as one.

Urahara glanced around the room, locking eyes with each standing fighter for several seconds before returning his eyes to the map.

"I believe Kurosaki-kun is the best candidate for this mission," he turned slowly to the youngest shinigami and lowered his fan. "The hollows have been after you since the beginning, and I do not mean to offend, but you know you have problems hiding your reiatsu."

Ichigo nodded. "That's why I volunteered. Makes sense to me."

Urahara turned to Hitsugaya. "Hitsugaya Taichou, I need you teamed up with Ishida-kun. If the hollows decide to strike separately, the second will no doubt attack our counter marksman. I need you there with him to watch his back. That does not mean I do not have faith in your abilities Ishida-kun, I am just taking precautions."

"I understand, Urahara-san," Ishida replied.

Hitsugaya nodded reluctantly and sat down.

Urahara turned to the three remaining shinigami.

"Kira-kun…" he said. "We need Wabisuke in this fight… I cannot allow you to be the bait."

Kira lowered his gaze and slowly sank back into his seat. Shuuhei sympathized with his friend when he saw frustration hidden in the blonde's features but was also relieved when Urahara refused him.

Silence stretched in the room as Urahara's gaze shifted back and forth between the two remaining shinigami. Renji stood burning a hole into the floor with his eyes as the shopkeeper drew plans and strategies in his head. Shuuhei stood still and relaxed as Urahara weighed the loss of either shinigami.

Finally, Urahara opened his mouth to voice his decision.

"I believe-"

"I'm going to do it…" Renji interrupted.

Urahara looked at the red head and started to speak again, but Shuuhei cut him off.

"Urahara-san," he said quietly.

The blonde looked at Shuuhei and opened the fan with a snap. "Yes, Hisagi-san?"

Shuuhei folded his arms over his chest and looked directly at Renji.

"Either you assign me to be the bait, or I will personally make sure that Abarai is unable to fight at all. You can have him teamed up and situated in an ambush position… or have him here, recovering from his injuries and removed from the battle entirely."

Renji's gaze ignited and he spit daggers at Shuuhei.

"You son of a bitch, you actually think you could-"

"Abarai!" Urahara bellowed.

Renji turned to the older man and clenched his hands into tight fists.

"I was just about to say," Urahara continued calmly, "that we need your bankai… we need Zabimaru…"

Renji made a noise and started to breathe heavily through his nose. His reiatsu burned as his body seethed with rage, but he held it tightly. The angry cloud surrounding the red head beat like an angry pulse, but was slowly pulled in as Renji calmed himself.

"Yes, Urahara-san…" Renji said quietly. "Is there anything else to this plan I need to know? 'Cause I feel I gotta leave before I break something."

Urahara shook his head. "We've gone over the basics, rest for the next few hours."

Renji turned to leave, avoiding Shuuhei's eyes, but Urahara spoke again before he could leave.

"Before you leave, Abarai-kun," the shopkeeper stood. "I would like to say something."

Renji stopped, but didn't turn around. Shuuhei sat down again against the wall and folded his hands in his lap.

The blond shop keeper carefully picked up Benihime and caressed her side. He seemed lost in thought before his eyes lifted and he looked around the room again at his fellow shinigami.

He began quietly. "Tonight has been one of the most magnificent displays of leadership I have ever witnessed. Your shows of self sacrifice and bravery have been both honorable and humbling. I am very proud to call you my comrades this night. And I mean no disrespect to those of you who did not volunteer… but I felt the offering of the five who did, needed to be acknowledged."

Kira's eyes met Shuuhei's from across the room and the older man smiled at the blushing blonde. Hitsugaya stood, quickly thanking Urahara and saying something about reporting to Soul Society. The rest of their party began to slowly disperse to rest before their dealings later that night.

Shuuhei stood and looked for Renji, but the red head had disappeared.

X x X x X

Shuuhei opened the door to Renji's room and stepped into the darkness. He saw a faint sliver of light coming from the bathroom and advanced. The door was slightly open so he pushed his way in and found Renji leaning over the sink.

His friend met his eyes through the mirror with a look that would send seated officers running for cover. His hair was down and flowing freely over his shoulders. The blaze of red gave off the impression that Renji was so angry, we was radiating; he was shimmering with heat and rage.

"What the fuck do you want?" Renji growled at him.

"There was no way I was going to let you do it," Shuuhei said evenly.

"So you make me look like a fucking idiot in front of everyone! Thanks!"

"I'm sorry if I hurt your pride, Renji, but there was no way I was going to let you stand there and volunteer to die right in front of me."

"And what about you!" Renji roared into the sink. He still couldn't turn and face Shuuhei. The mirror was just enough of a separation to keep the red head from breaking down. "How the fuck, do you think I feel now! You're such a fucking hypocrite Hisagi!"

Shuuhei moved before Renji could react, and pinned the younger man against the sink. His hands slammed Renji's into the wall and he held them there as he hissed into the red head's ear. All the while their eyes locked in the mirror before them.

"I don't care if you hate me, I don't care if you've chosen Ichigo over me, or if you've decided you throw your life away because he didn't accept you- I don't give a flying fuck about any of that."

Renji fought and started to say something, but Shuuhei removed one of his hands to tangle it in crimson hair. The older man pulled back hard and Renji cried out in pain.

"You can say or think whatever you want, Renji, but there is no fucking way I'm going to let someone I care for so deeply die in front of my eyes if I could have stopped it."

Renji's eyes opened and met his in the mirror again. The fire had receded, but the anger was still there.

"But you'd do it to me…" Renji whispered.

"What?" Shuuhei tugged his hair again.

Renji winced. "You would do it to me… die in front of me… it's not fair."

Shuuhei released Renji's remaining hand and brought the younger man's body tighter against his.

"This way it's better for you, Renji," he whispered into the red head's ear. "I'm dead either way. 'Cause if you died… I would definitely follow…"

Renji's heart swelled and he let out a strangled sob. The tension on his hair had lessened. Shuuhei's hot breath, his sweet words in his ear and his hard body pressing against his own, drove Renji into frenzy of untamed lust. He ground his ass into Shuuhei's crotch and felt the other's hard member straining in the folds of his hakama. Shuuhei moaned and thrust violently forward.

Shuuhei buried his face in Renji's neck and panted heavily into ruby hair and sweaty skin.

"Gods you drive me fucking crazy, Renji… What do you want from me?"

Renji turned to expose more of his throat. He felt Shuuhei's fingers tangle deeper into his hair as he sighed and ground against Shuuhei's hips.

"I want you to fuck me against this sink, Shuuhei."

Shuuhei bit down on Renji's shoulder and pulled harder on the crimson locks.

"What about Ichigo?" he rasped.

Renji reached between their bodies and rubbed his palm against Shuuhei's straining cock over the layers of hakama cloth.

"I told Ichigo… that I didn't love him anymore…"

Shuuhei's breath on his neck stopped and the grinding of the older man's hips ceased. Renji felt his lover go still as stone. The red head looked down to meet Shuuhei's impassioned gaze in the mirror.

"I swear," Renji said. "I told him I didn't love him anymore because I had you… I just want you, Shuuhei… just you…"

Shuuhei's world fell apart and then abruptly collided back together again. He momentarily lost his mind, and then came back to reality to find Renji in his arms, telling him he was the only one. He took several moments to process Renji's words before he moved back just enough to untie Renji's sash and rip his kimono from his shoulders. He tore his own off and viciously yanked Renji's hakama down over his hips. The red head cried out in surprise, but didn't fight it and gripped the sides of the sink. Shuuhei released his throbbing member from his own hakama and, wasting no time, spit into his hand to slick himself and pushed into Renji.

Renji hissed, and Shuuhei returned his fist to the red hair to wrench the younger man's head up and meet his gaze.

"Look at yourself, Renji," Shuuhei panted heavily into Renji's ear. He thrust once, watching his lover's mouth fall open. "Look how beautiful you are when I do this to you…" he pulled out slightly and then almost came as he felt Renji push roughly back to impale himself. He gripped the younger man's hip and used it as leverage for another deep thrust. "Gods… you're so fucking sexy…"

Renji lifted his hand to grab the back of Shuuhei's head. He twisted around and crushed their lips together. He welcomed the other's tongue as it pressed and explored deep inside his mouth. Shuuhei began to move faster and soon they were less kissing and more panting and grunting into each other's mouths. Renji felt his climax building and whispered against Shuuhei's cheek.

"Shuuhei… ahhh… please Shuuhei… touch me…"

Shuuhei did, and began pumping Renji's cock erratically against the timing of his thrusts. Renji had long since forgotten himself and was crying out over and over as Shuuhei pulled his hair and bit into his neck while savagely pounded into him against the sink.

Shuuhei felt Renji's muscles tighten around him and watched in the mirror as the red head arched his back obscenely. He took in the erotic sight of his lover's face as he cried out and came over his hand and against the sink. Shuuhei didn't need much more than that and was soon going light headed, blindly thrusting in and out of Renji's sweet heat. He bit down on the tattooed skin before him and came hard, spurting hot and deep into Renji's body.

The two stood panting and shaking for a long time before they separated. Renji turned around slowly to finally face Shuuhei, but the dark – haired man covered any words the red head might have had by meeting him with a soft kiss. Renji surrendered to it and put his arms around the older man's neck.

Shuuhei pushed their hakama to the floor, stripping them completely, and pulled Renji to the shower. The warm water cascaded down their backs as they kissed and touched every part of each other. Shuuhei was slow and gentle, an apology for his rough treatment veiled in his every caress. He washed Renji's hair and skin with such tenderness that it made Renji's heart ache. There were no words spoken until the two had dried themselves and were again dressed and sitting on the futon. Renji purred as Shuuhei brushed and meticulously braided his hair.

"Where did you learn to do this?" Renji asked.

Shuuhei's eyes never left the strands of red hair in his hands as he answered. "Matsumoto-san taught me a while ago..."

Renji chuckled. "Why is that? You don't have any hair..."

Shuuhei's voice got quiet as he fastened the hair tie at the end of Renji's braid.

"I hoped someday I'd get to do this with you... and I wanted to know what I was doing..."

Renji turned and smiled softly as Shuuhei's cheeks colored. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on the scars that decorated the side of the older man's face. They sat together for what could have been hours with their fingers touching and Shuuhei's lips ghosting down the skin of Renji's neck. The red head sighed softly and murmured into his lover's ear.

"Promise me you'll be okay…"

Shuuhei pulled back to look into Renji's tortured eyes. He traced Renji's jaw with his fingertips and brushed his lips over the bridge of the younger man's nose.

"I can't promise that," he whispered. "But I'll try…"

Renji leaned into Shuuhei's arms and rested his head on the older man's chest. He tangled his fingers with Shuuhei's and silently prayed. He prayed that now that he had finally found happiness, he wouldn't lose it again so soon…

TBC