Chapter 5: Into the ocean

Prompt: none AGAIN seriously! Someone give me some prompts to work with!! This is a song fic based on the song 'Into the ocean' by blue October

Pairing: Laven

Cannon

Other info: okay, I've never actually done a song fic before so just bear with me! I've got several songs lined up so if all works well I can write them out eventually...

--

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Lavi never like ships. The way they always tossed and moved and were never stable unsettled him. It felt too much like a physical reminder of all the things he was supposed to record. War, poverty, rape, death, destruction, it was all too much, but he was forced to do it. He had chosen his path long before he foresaw the consequences, so he was stuck.

"Why was I so stupid?" the redhead sighed as he leaned on the railing of the grand ship that was transporting him and a fellow exorcist to yet another far away land to fight yet another throng of akuma who had killed yet another group of people. It was so repetitive, so meaningless almost in its normalcy. Lavi loved the thrill of the fight, but the pointless blood shed was almost too much to handle.

It is one thing to watch, it is another to have the power to help and keep watching anyway.

Without a life vest, stuck again
wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
like 'fourteen miles away'

Lavi looked up at the pale moon; it was full, just like the last time he had been on a boat, holding the same tattered card that he pulled out of his pocket now. The moonlight reflected weakly off the black ocean water, illuminating the card he had memorized every crease and rip on.

The night he had seen his best friend murdered before his eyes.

The redhead gritted his teeth angrily and pushed off the railing as he pocketed the card roughly. It hurt him more than it should have to see Tyki 'murder' Allen. To see Allen's blood spill. To hear Allen scream in pain as his heart was pierced. To come to where Allen was supposed to be and only find blood stains and a lone card.

"Stop it." He growled to himself, storming along the deck towards the bow of the ship, trying to stop his painfully accurate memory from replaying that scene in his head over and over and over.

Now floating up and down
I spin colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
everything that freaks me out
the light house beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold as can be
be

He always felt empty, like he wasn't getting the things out of life that all humans were otherwise entitled too. Emotion, comfort, companionship... love, why was it he couldn't love like any other person? Why did he have to pretend his heart had long since died? Why couldn't he just walk up to Allen and wrap his arms around the one he loved, and tell him not to be so stupid, tell him that he, Lavi, a bookman, didn't think he could live on without him in his life? Why did he have to be detached? Lavi hated that word. It left him feeling cold and used.

He had to remain aloof and unattached to anything, so he could record history without any bias. What good was a history that no one would ever read? It would sit on a shelf in some dusty room, locked away and never to be seen again, no one would see it, no one would be taught it, no one would learn from it. What was the point of recording human stupidity if it wasn't to be used to teach people to stop the cycle of death that was war?

I want to swim away but don't know how
sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
let the waves up, take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now.... come down
Let the rain come down

Lavi came to the bow of the ship and just stared out at the dark waters as they tossed the ship restlessly. He sighed and sat, slipping his legs under the guard rail and letting them dangle over the ocean as the ship broke through wave after wave. That's how he left sometimes. Like a small ship on an angry sea, constantly battling wave after wave and wave, always being threatened with being pulled under, and vanishing just like that. What was one life, when millions were lost everyday?

He sometimes wondered why he didn't just let the sea claim him, and end this suffering.

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
for a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(how can I keep up this breathing?)

Lavi didn't know what he wanted anymore. Being bookman was all he'd ever had to work for, all he'd ever needed. But his eyes had been opened, he could see beyond the world of black ink on white paper. He could see a world of colour, he could see what he had always wished to, and now he couldn't go back to the blank faces of the pages in a history book. He couldn't.

But he was scared. Lavi had never known such a beautiful world, so full of sunshine, yet so full of the gore of death too. He wanted to embrace this scary new place, the place he had always been but blind to it, but... what if he wasn't meant for that world? What if the people he thought would welcome him pushed him back? Back into the endless ocean of pages and blood red ink?

"Why am I even thinking about this?" Lavi whispered to himself, furious that he was going over the same train of thought again and again.

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
my arms and legs are broken down
with envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
how can one man stop this ending?
I thought of just your face
relaxed and floated into space

"Allen..." Lavi whispered, wondering why that name always tasted sweet on his tongue. He knew he cared for the boy, hell Lavi was pretty sure it was love, but... he had never known any form of love. How could he be sure?

It was Allen he thought of when he was lonely.

It was Allen he thought of when he needed strength.

It was Allen he thought of when he asked himself, 'what is love?'

The redhead sighed and rested his forehead on the cool metal of the railing. How had his thoughts jumped from wondering if his life was worth it to love?

Would Allen be sad if he jumped from the ship, right here, right now? Would he cry? Would he mourn, but forget him after a short while? Or... would he make a spot in his heart for Lavi, just like Allen had forced himself into Lavi's? He stood, running and hand through his crimson hair as he stared out at the vast, faceless sea as if contemplating. Lavi shook his head, turning away from the almost tempting water before walking back towards the cabin he was sharing with Allen.

I want to swim away but don't know how
sometimes it feels just like I'm floating in the ocean
let the waves up, take me down
let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
let the rain come down
let the rain come down

Lavi knew what he was about to do. He was scared as hell, but he knew it had to be done. He needed to know exactly where he stood with Allen, and Lavi didn't care if it was late at night, he didn't care if it would be awkward, he needed to get this out of his system and out in the open.

The redhead broke into a run, throwing open the door to the inner halls of the ship in his haste. He ran past door after door, through the long, straight hallways until he came to his door. The door Allen was behind.

It opened with a little creak, and Lavi looked in almost timidly.

"Where were you Lavi?" the soft voice of a sleepy Allen reached his ears and Lavi jumped smiling sheepishly at the tired looking Allen.

"Just... needed some air... what are you still doing up?" faced with a real Allen, and not just the one in his mind, Lavi was losing his nerve. He knew he was being cowardly and if he didn't do it now, it would never be done but... what if Allen rejected him?

"Couldn't sleep, eye was acting up... you weren't here when I woke so I figured that after it calmed down that I would stay up for you. Did you have a bad dream or something?"

"Err, well... kinda..." Lavi sighed and waked into the room, gently shutting the door behind him and sitting on the bed across from the white haired boy, admiring the way the moonlight that streamed through the small window bounced of his silver coloured hair.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not about my dream, but... something else that's rather important..." Allen leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, tilting his head quizzically, as if to say 'I'm listening.'

"Allen, what is love to you?" Lavi decided to be blunt and straightforward. None of this beating around the bush crap, that would only make things more awkward and this was going to be bad enough as it was.

"Love?" Allen took a deep breath, looking thoughtful as he pondered the question, "Love is always wanting to be there for the other person, always wanting to help and support them, even if they don't need it necessarily. Love... is something that anyone can feel for anyone, its something that holds us all up and keeps us all together and not at each other's throats. You can't really define love, because everyone shows their love in a different way. Love is... what it is. Why do you ask?" Lavi was slightly put off but he smiled tiredly at Allen never the less.

"I think I'm in love with someone, but I'm not entirely sure. Well, I am sure, but... I wanted to get someone else's opinion on it..." Allen seemed saddened and Lavi wasn't sure why.

"I see..." the redhead's eyebrows met in a confused line as he stood and settled on the bed beside Allen.

"Are you in love Allen? You seem to know a lot about the subject." The younger male instantly stiffened and glanced at Lavi worriedly before nodding.

"Yeah, I'm in love... but... the person doesn't like me back."

"Who is it?" Lavi asked, half genuinely curious, half bitter at whoever had captured his bean sprouts eye.

"I... can't tell you... you'll laugh at me." Allen looked down at his hands sadly and Lavi smiled, gently reaching up and patting the boy's head affectionately.

"I promise I won't laugh Allen. No matter what! Even if it's Kanda!" Lavi chuckled at horrified glint in Allen's eye before nudging the younger gently.

"Well?" Allen blushed at the light contact and dropped his gaze from Lavi's emerald eye again, with a conflicted look on his face.

"I... its... you..." the last word was whispered so low Lavi was sure he had heard wrong.

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
like jumping from the bow (yeah)
just to prove that I knew how (yeah)
its midnight's late reminder of
the loss of her, the one I love
my will to quickly end it all
set front row in my need to fall

"Me...?" Lavi breathed, not quite believing it. There was just no way, NO WAY Allen walker, the pure, gentle, angelic boy he had fallen for returned his feelings was there? That joyful bubble of hope rose in Lavi's chest, and he did his best to keep it from growing. To wake tomorrow and find this was a dream would be too cruel.

"I told you, you would laugh..." Allen turned his face to hide the shamed expression away from Lavi, but a hammer calloused hand caught his chin and gently turned to scarred face to look into that deep green eye.

"Why do you think I asked you that question Allen?" Lavi asked with a gentle smile.

"Wh-what?"

"Why do you think I asked you what you thought love was?"

"I-I... I don't know..."

"Because I wanted to know, if you loved me too, what you said is how I feel about you. Is it what you feel for me?" Grey eyes shook as the white haired boy swallowed nervously, as if he was hypnotized by the one green eye trained on him. Not trusting his voice, Allen nodded slowly and was almost blinded by the brightness of Lavi's smile. The redhead leaned down and sealed Allen's mouth with his own in a sweet chaste kiss, that was filled with nothing but affection as his own inner turmoil seemed to dissipate into the air around them.

Into the ocean end it all
into the ocean end it all
into the ocean end it all
into the ocean end it all

I want to swim away but don't know how
sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
let the waves up, take me down
let the hurricane set in motion yeah
let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down
let the rain come down