A Battle of Land and Sea
Chapter Two
Night falls,
I fall,
And where were you?
And where were you?
I fell into the moon,
And it covered you in blue
Angie Hart - Blue
There was a warmth to the blue sky above. It was a beautiful sky, the kind of sky you only looked at and really appreciated when life really was content. The green field was set alight by the bright sun and the endless canvas of blue above her, yet there was something haunting about this scenery. As much as it looked like it held a comforting warmth, the reality was far from true. It all seemed far too perfect. It sent shivers down her spine, the feeling that something wasn't quite right engulfed her being. Nothing was quite right, was it?
She hadn't noticed that her feet had taken on a role of their own, making their way through the haunting yet serene scenery. She walked for a long time in this endless sea of green and blue, walked until it seemed that there would be nothing more to reveal when eventually she found herself passing a group of trees stood tall and swaying slowly to a breeze that was not there. There was no wind, there was no heat from the sun above, only a strange feeling that came from the land in which she walked in.
Her feet came to an abrupt halt as she found herself face to face in what appeared to be a garden. She saw a large house behind her but took no notice of it. The endless green that she had previously walked upon had now disintegrated into a garden surrounded by tall trees. In front of her were an array of fold up tables and chairs covered in a paper table cloth which was attached to the table by pegs in case a strong wind were to blow everything away. If of course, a strong wind existed in this strange land.
There were plastic cups and plates placed around the table with balloons hung from each chair. At the centre of one of the tables was a birthday cake where five candles were lit, but there was no one there to blow them out. This was evidently set up for a birthday party, all of the food and drinks were here but there was no one there to celebrate, no birthday girl or boy to be the centre of attention for the day. Everything was all set up to be used, but there was no one here to us it. It was empty. Void of any life.
A shifting noise disrupted her saddened gaze and she suddenly felt that she was not alone anymore. She wanted to turn around and see where the noise was coming from, maybe people had arrived for the party, but she found she couldn't find the strength to move her own body. So she stood still, finding that even when she tried she couldn't move a muscle, she could only listen to that strange shuffling sound coming from behind of her. It seemed distant at first, only a short quiet sound every so often. If it wasn't so silent she probably wouldn't have even noticed it, but in the still silence it was more alive than ever. In the silence it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end when she heard the sound become more frequent, and eventually a little louder. A little closer.
Then came that awful sound. It was a deep vibrating sound at first, but then it turned into a louder more chocked wailing sound. It was a sound that became louder, more disturbing as she heard it coming towards her. Again that shuffling sound came a little closer, the sound of something moving closer to her. She tried with all her might to move her body, no longer wanting to look around her but to run away from the thing behind her. She didn't dare try to see what was behind her.
Wail. Shuffle. Those were the sounds that haunted her throughout her sudden paralysis and it became more frequent as the sounds came closer to her, as if it had found its prey and was now closing in on her. She found herself stood as tense as her frozen body would allow, waiting for the thing to catch up with her. Maybe it would grab at her from behind and kill her. Perhaps it would come right up behind her. She didn't want to wait to find out, but found that there was nothing else she could do. Shuffle. Shuffle.
She felt her entire body trembling in fear, she even tried to scream but found that she couldn't. She could only stand and listen to that awful sound of something horrible closing in on her, and just as she was sure she could hear if right behind her, sure she could feel its warm stinking breath on the back of her neck she felt something release in her body and her feet took over once again. Before she knew it her legs were running as fast as they could taking her away from the shuffling wailing thing.
A gap appeared in the trees that had once surrounded her, and she almost expected to be back in that empty land of green and blue. Disappointment and fear took over as she ran through the trees and found she was back in that same garden. She hadn't ran in a circle had she? No, she had simply run straight forward, but somehow she was back where she started. This place was teasing her, preying on her fear as she stood in that quiet garden once more listening out for the shuffling. She listened out for that horrible sound, but nothing ever came.
It was then that she noticed the change in front of her. The once neat table set out and waiting for people was now destroyed. The tables and chairs lay battered and forlorn in various places of the garden as if they had been tossed aside in a rage. The tables were tipped over with food and drink spilt all over the floor. Melted ice cream trickled down one of the tables and made a pool on the grass as if it were an open wound. And somehow, she couldn't help feeling that this was a war ground. Even as she saw a single red balloon floating helplessly in the sky away from the garden, she couldn't help feeling that something terrible had happened here and a sadness filled the air. Faintly, very far in the distance she could still hear that wailing sound.
She awoke to the muffled wailing noises in her mind, her body shook awake and then relaxed again as she realised the horror she had just witnessed had been nothing more than a bad dream. For a while she drifted in and out of sleep, every so often her mind wondered about that thing in the garden that had stood behind her. She thought back to the war ground of the destroyed party, and finally to the balloon that had floated up into the sky. Somehow that floating red balloon brought a sadness to her when she pictured it in her minds eye. She had felt an empty kind of sadness in her dream, hadn't she? The realms of sleep were fading away as her eyes fluttered open and she found that the dream had become more scrambled already and she could no longer remember, but she still felt on edge at the fear she had previously felt.
Closing her eyes once more she let out a long sigh silently reminding herself that it was just a dream, nothing more. She almost began to drift back off into a light sleep when her eyes snapped wide open as more memories began to come clear. Something had happened last night. All at once memories of the previous night came flooding back towards her, she remembered the hospital. Her Dad.. He was ill. He… he was dying.
"Listen… Listen to me on the tree…"
Rinoa sat up in the bed and placed her head in her hands as the reality dawned on her in a meteor shower. For the second time, her world came crashing down as if the news had once again been revealed to her. How could she forget about last night? She had been there for hours sat holding her fathers hand, taking in everything she could take from her last moments with him. She stayed with him, stroking his face and hands until there was no more warmth left in his skin. She stayed for as long as she could until his face turned more pale than she had ever seen and his lips weren't as pink as they usually were. She stayed until it became unbearable to be with him any longer.
It had taken all of her strength to leave the hospital, she felt drained of all of her strength finding it a challenge to even walk a few steps. Her eyes stung from crying so much, she could barely see through her tear filled eyes. Squall had said that there was a vacancy for them at the hotel nearby, but she had insisted that they travel all the way back to Balamb. It was a long journey that she really didn't want to take, her body was far too tired for it but she felt like she couldn't be here anymore. As soon as she stepped outside of the hospital she felt it - everything here was him. Deling City was were heworked and lived, it was were he should be. But he wasn't here anymore, and she didn't want to be reminded of where he should be.
Faintly in the distance she heard noises coming from the bathroom and realised that Squall was up already, soon to start work, although she hardly registered it. Her mind was too far away, going through the events over and over in her mind just like she had done when she lay awake in bed last night, she didn't even think she would get any sleep at all. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself as if it would bring her some comfort. It only made her senses come to life as she smelt her fathers cologne on her skin, the smell bringing back youthful memories of a time when she had a father who had always been around. In her mind she could picture his face, she could hear his voice so clearly, his scent seemed so strong. How was she supposed to come to terms with what had happened, that he was gone, when right now he seemed more alive, more here than he had ever been before?
Closing her eyes tightly, she tried to fight the lump in her throat. She told herself it was all just a bad dream, that it wasn't real, as a vain attempt to make herself feel better. She felt confused and alone. It was as if she wasn't herself anymore, like she couldn't be herself when all she wanted to do was act as if nothing had happened to her. Would people even understand that that was what she wanted? She doubted it. She knew that the natural reaction was to cry and grieve, but right now she wanted nothing more than for her life to be back to normal. She didn't want to smell him on her, she didn't want to sit and fight against the tears that were threatening to fall and feel that empty sadness within her.
The click of the bathroom door was a welcome distraction and she lifted her head as she heard the footsteps of her fiancé walking towards her. She smiled, not only as seeing him, but also thanking him for coming him and settling the lump in her throat. For now, she had won the battle over her emotions, she just hoped it stayed that way at least for a while.
"You're going to work?" She observed as she noticed his uniform, it was said more as a distraction. She needed a bit of normality at least for a brief moment, she could tell by the look in his eye that he was thinking about the night before. If she could, she would take the conversation away from the topic she didn't want to think about.
The mattress shifted as Squall sat down facing Rinoa, a guilty feeling within him. "I figured you were going to be asleep for quite a while so I was going to do some work for an hour or so," he explained. "Cid told me to have the day off with you, if you want I don't have to-"
"You can go," she responded. "I'm not planning on moping around all day anyway."
The look she got from her comment left her feeling annoyed and she felt an anger slowly rising within her. She couldn't help but feel like he wanted to see her cry and be upset, like everyone else expected her to be hurt so that they could spill their sympathies onto her. What if she wanted to get on with her life and not let this bring her down? Why did she have to act the way everyone else expected her to?
"Are you sure?" Squall said, shock and disbelief present in his voice. His reaction made her anger rise a little further, but she bit her tongue not wanting to cause any arguments today. There was no point in speaking her mind when he obviously didn't understand what she was going through. He was trying his hardest to understand, and was trying to be there for her, she scorned herself at how selfish she was sounding in her own mind.
"I'm sure," she said calmly after a moments silence. "You don't have to worry about me."
Reluctantly he nodded, although his eyes still showed that same confusion. He stayed quiet for a brief moment unsure of what to say, not sure what he could say. Was there some sort of unwritten rule to this sort of thing? He wasn't sure anymore. She certainly wasn't reacting the way anyone would expect, but then she was Rinoa. She wasn't like anyone else he had ever met. He always found himself interested in the way she was.. She was strange, he knew that. And that was why he wanted her to be his wife.
"You know we're all going to be here for you, don't you?" he spoke finally. He didn't wait for her to respond, he could tell that she probably didn't want to talk about it too much just yet by the way she was looking at him. He found himself feeling self conscious when he spoke, planning each word cautiously and feeling even more uncomfortable. "Cid broke the news to everyone last night… It's going to be world news about him, Rinoa. By the time you get up everyone in Garden is going to know. We're in a military school, and your father is a General, so people will know.. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Rinoa nodded her head, feeling a little sorry for the man in front of her. She could tell he was being as gentle as possible but his words still cut deep. She had thought that she could escape everything by continuing on with her life as normal, but the truth was, everyone would know about it. People would be talking about it. She wasn't sure she wanted to be around people who would look at her and know what had happened. The thought of it made her feel ill, she only hoped that it didn't make things change. She wanted her life to be normal, not everything to change around her because of one bad thing that had happened. Most of the students here were orphans, she almost found it ironic how now she was a part of them. She was twenty-one and parentless, finding her way alone in the world. Nothing would ever be the same again, of course everything would change. How could she be so naive? She lowered her head, and again she had to fight that lump that was forming in her throat. Don't cry, she told herself. Whatever you do, don't break down.
"It's just… I just can't believe he's gone," she said finally, swallowing hard and ignoring the pain. She needed to win this battle. She ignored the horrible feeling it brought, the reality that surrounded her at saying it out loud. "It happened so fast."
Squall placed his hand on her leg, seeing the cracks in her normal façade. "No one can prepare themselves for it, no matter how much time they have." He looked at her lowered head, wishing he could search her face for some idea as to how it felt for her. "There's no right or wrong way. You don't have to face up to anyone until your ready."
"I'm going to work," she said bluntly. "I'm know it doesn't make sense at all, and I might hate every minute of it… but I have to. It feels right, like I'm supposed to."
"Are you sure?"
Rinoa nodded, "I think so." In her mind she saw a single red balloon floating gently through the sky, and she thought she could hear that wailing sound in the distance. She ignored it, watching Squall as he tried to make things better even though there was nothing he could do. That lump in her throat was growing larger. She swallowed, ignoring the tears that wanted to fall. Go away, she told it and found herself thinking of something she used to say as a child. Rain, rain go away… Come again another day. She almost laughed at the stupidity of it, at how her mind thought of the stupidest things at the wrong times. She doubted Squall would find the humour of it, given the current situation they were in. But for the mean time she couldn't help but smile in her head, realising that again she had won the battle against the lump in her throat. It was becoming easier to win, she realised. And that was the greatest revelation she had had in the last twenty-four hours.
Leaning forward she gently kissed her fiancé on the cheek. "Go to work," she said with a small smile as she stood from the bed. The shuffling and the wailing in her head had ceased for the meantime, her dream having dissolved into the reality of the day.
It was so easy to forget. She never really understood just how strong the wall of denial could be until she made her way to work and went to her day to day jobs in the library. Denial was a strong mix of emotions, it was a high wall built of the strongest of materials which blocked out any emotion. She really didn't feel anything. At first she felt a strange sensation, it was a kind of surreal detachment from reality. It was like she was living the life she had always lived, she was walking through the same walls and seeing the same people she always saw but this time it was as if she were looking through the cloudy distorted vision that is only present during the dream world. The kind of dream world where you walk below a beautiful sunny sky without feeling the heat. It was like falling without the fear and never actually hitting the ground, what she felt was simply the in between motion- she could feel the movement of her life, but there was no emotions. No fear, no anger. Nothing. And she never hit the ground. She was simply stuck there, moving freely around in her life without ever having the grief that she knew she should be feeling. There was only nothingness, and she couldn't believe how easy it actually was to pretend that nothing was wrong. She knew she was in denial, oh she was more than conscious of that fact, but it did not falter her. She felt more than happy walking through this dream world that was not quite reality, but certainly not a dream.
Just as she expected everyone knew what had happened. Walking through the halls of the Garden she couldn't help feeling like she was grabbing everyone's attention. People would stop midway through their conversations and stare at her as she walked past. They looked at her with eyes of sympathy, or sometimes eyes of suspicion as if they thought to themselves, 'Is that her..? Yeah I'm sure that's the poor girl who's dad died.' And the amazing thing was, this did not bother her in the slightest. She simply walked past with a smile in her head, for the first time in a long time feeling excited about the prospect of going to work. They could look at her all they liked, they could be sympathetic or hate her, she really did not care. She was in her own world where nothing bad had ever happened, and that was how she intended it to stay.
As the day progressed she began to get approached by lots of different people. Her colleagues gave her a surprised look as she walked into the library and insisted on working. People asked if she was okay. Yes, she said. Everything was fine. She'd give them a look that showed she understood what they were probing at, a look to give them just the right amount of understanding that she recognised that her father had died, but also that she didn't wish to discuss the matter. Some people gave her presents and cards, apologising about what had happened, telling her their deepest sympathies were with her. She merely gave them a reassuring smile, thanked them then continued to work as if nothing had happened. Other people, possibly the worst kind of people would do the latter gestures. Yes, she was fine and thank you, but there's no need to apologise. The worst part of all was followed by those who offered her a tale of someone who had died in their lives as if knowing that something tragic that had happened in their past would make her feel any better. She wasn't sad though, she didn't feel anything so in turn she ended up feeling sad and guilty forwhat had happened to the people who they had lost. It was an endless cycle of formalities between Instructors, students, random people she had never met before, phone calls from people who claimed to be a friend of her fathers or possibly worked for him.
I'm sorry to hear about your father…You know, a few years ago I lost my brother in the…He was such a good man, I worked for him for ten years you know? …Are you sure your okay? All of our sympathies are with you. I know what it's like when my old man died in a…
As they day passed by all of the sympathies became scrambled together in a tight ball which she kept stored in her mind for a time when she probably needed to hear these things. She found herself only half listening to what people were saying, a part of her thinking that maybe she needed to hear this so that the reality would sink in, another part drifting off into her own mind in her own detached way. By the time the afternoon came she felt more detached than ever. She almost dared herself to think back to the previous night to see just how much she was in denial, but decided against it. A part of her feeling a strange sense of pride at her ability to block everything out and she didn't want to ruin it. Who would've thought she could do so well?
Rinoa glanced up from the magazine she had been trying to read at her desk before she had got lost in her thoughts. The library was quiet apart from a few students studying at the computers in the corner, she scanned the aisles hoping that there was something that she could do to occupy her mind. She had found that she had been so focussed on trying to take her mind off everything she had worked faster than usual. The library was as tidy as it could be, there was nothing left to do but sit and wait until someone left a pile of books messily on a table. She scowled at realising there was no one here to humour her, willing someoneto give her something to do.
With a sigh she stood from her desk and began a slow walk through the bookshelves in hopes that at least one book in the damn library was out of place. In the distance she could hear the gentle taping of fingers on a keyboard and a girl let out a small laugh. She could hear muffled sounds of quiet talking but couldn't make out any words being said. Running her fingertips along the spine of the many books along the shelves she looked at the clock for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, only to be disappointed to see that what had appeared to be an hour was only five minutes. Her shoes scuffed loudly on the carpeted floor as she made her way to the next aisle of books in hopes that she would find something to occupy her empty mind. That was what it was that felt surreal, it was emptiness she realised. There were no thoughts, no feelings or emotions. No excitement or sadness, no expectations or plans on what she was going to do next. All of that had disintegrated into nothingness. She was empty.
As she walked onto the next set of bookshelves marvelling at her newfound realisation at what exactly was going on in her head, she stopped in her tracks as she saw someone in front of her. The girl was scanning through the books on the shelf, using her finger to read each title with her eyes scrunched in concentration she didn't even notice Rinoa staring at her.
"Do you need help finding something?" she asked, thanking whatever God was out there for giving her this welcome distraction.
The girl gave a small shriek and jumped upon hearing Rinoa's voice, she turned to her with wide eyes for a moment before relaxing. "You scared the hell out of me," the girl gasped clutching her chest.
"I'm sorry," Rinoa responded feeling guilty at scaring the girl. She looked no older than seventeen, her long dark hair was streaked with blue and held into an untidy mess at the back of her head with a clip. On her nails she wore chipped red nail vanish which she now picked at uncomfortably in front of Rinoa. She wore the same uniform every other Garden student wore, but somehow managed to still look scruffy and dishevelled. Rinoa saw the words 'Never Forever' neatly tattooed on her left arm.
The girls eyes looked from the woman standing before her, to the floor, then shot back up to the woman again as a recognition hit her features. "You're the one whose Dad died," the words escaped her lips fast and immediately her hands clasped over her mouth in shock at her own words. "I'm sorry," the girl whispered wide eyed. "I didn't mean…"
"It's fine," Rinoa said with a wave of her hand. She couldn't help but feel pity for the girl stood in front of her, she hardly registered that the girls words should have caused a stab of reality to hit her. But it didn't. She was far too drugged up in her own desperate denial to comprehend such things yet. She kept her gaze on the strange girl whose hand was still clasped over her mouth. "Really, it's fine. Don't worry about it."
"Are you sure?" the girl asked, her hands slowly dropping down towards her sides and once again Rinoa got a good glimpse of the girls tattoo. Never forever. She gave Rinoa a sympathetic glance, the same glance she had seen from people all day. She was expecting the next words to be said before they even left the girls lips. "I'm so sorry, I heard what happened this morning. I feel terrible for you."
Rinoa smiled. She smiled because inside she had an urge to roll her eyes and walk away in frustration before the girl could continue on with her speech, but instead she just stood there. Inside she was having a bet with herself as to whether she was a sympathy or a you know my [insert name here died… kind of girl. She mentally cursed herself at how insensitive she was being. She should be grateful that all these people were caring for her well being but… it was just that…Bet you a thousand gil she's a sympathy kind of girl. She hated herself right now, she really didn't feel a thing.
"My parents both died during the war a few years ago," she said as gently as she could, unaware that the woman she was talking to was thinking she now owed herself money. The bet lost.
"I'm sorry to hear," Rinoa responded, just the same way she had all day. "That must have been awful for you."
The girl smiled, pushing a lose bang of hair behind her ear. "I'm over it," she said bluntly. "Everyone dies one day, don't they? And anyway, it helped me fit in here a little better."
"What do you mean?" Rinoa asked, curious by the girls blunt response. Normally she would make as little conversation as possible when people tried making conversation with her after their sympathies. Somehow she felt intrigued by this girl, she was blunt and insensitive sure, but perhaps that's what Rinoa needed right now? I'm over it… Perhaps that was why Rinoa had tried avoiding Squall and the rest of her friends, because they would try their hardest to understand, they would try their hardest to try to feel her pain even though they'd never understand she didn't feel any pain at all. They would never believe that for one minute, would they?
I'm over it…?
"Oh come on you must have felt it, especially now," the girl spoke pulling out a book from the shelf and passing it between each hand without ever looking at it. "Pretty much everyone here is an orphan, this is their family. And when you're a student here and go home to see your actually family and talk about parents and siblings no one seems to understand. It's like you're part of a minority and don't fit in, people look and treat you differently because you're not like them. When my parents died I couldn't help feeling like it was a relief because I could finally be a part of everyone else. I'm an orphan now, just like everyone else. I fit in."
Rinoa thought for a moment at the girls words, amazed that she had never thought about this but realising that it was very true. She had never truly felt a part of her friends, sure she felt close to them, she trusted each and every one of them with her life. But something always felt different, it felt like they were on a different level than her. She had grown up in a family home, they hadn't. When she had taken parents as the norm, all her friends were growing up in an orphanage. And now she was a part of them, the reality stirred a slight emotion within her. For a brief moment she thought she felt fear, but then it dissolved into nothingness once more and she was detached from reality again. It was like looking through a window, her face was pressed right up against the glass, but she just couldn't get inside to see everything clearly.
"I guess your right," Rinoa responded slowly. She could have got lost in her own thoughts and self doubts, but there was no thoughts in her head.
The girl smiled at Rinoa, still passing the book between both her hands. "I've found my book," she said, changing the topic suddenly.
Rinoa looked dumbfounded at the book a moment before snapping back into reality, "I guess you didn't need my help at all then," she responded. She was about to turn on her heals and walk back to her desk in hopes to find something she could do but as soon as she moved the girl cleared her throat signalling for her attention once more. She watched as the girl rummaged through her bag, and eventually brought out a banana and held it out in front of Rinoa with an accomplished smile on her face.
"It's a banana…" Rinoa responded immensely confused, showing she understood the fruit but not quite sure why the girl was holding it out in front of her.
The girl looked at Rinoa confused a moment, as if she was supposed to take the gesture like it was an everyday occurrence, then she turned her away from the woman with a serious look in her eye. "My mum lost a lot of people in her life when I was growing up, but she didn't cry like everyone else does. She just picked herself right back up and continued with life as usual, except when she came home she'd just sit in her chair and stare and eat a banana. It sounds weird I know, but it was her moment where I think she would grieve. When she died I realised I was like her, I didn't cry, but I didn't eat bananas either. I'd just sit and stare at one and imagine her eating it and try to cry and grieve over her." The Banana Girl gave Rinoa a knowing look as she placed it in her hand. "I think you might need this, because you might like her as well."
"Thank you" Rinoa said, feeling slightly odd thanking someone for a piece of fruit of all things. It seemed so surreal, but it was a surreal day for her so nothing surprised her anymore. Still she couldn't shake the feeling that this girl has seen through her disguise, she couldn't help but feel relieved that someone out there possibly understood her. That her feelings of not wanting to cry or get upset were perfectly fine. Not everyone had make a scene in front of other people. The girl disappeared then, giving Rinoa a look that said she was done talking, done with all the formalities now could she please leave her the hell alone? Rinoa could only smile in a weird bewildered way and continue making her way through the aisles of books.
The rest of the day clouded into a haze of events of her usual routine, she continued her daily jobs in the library, a few more people had come in to see her to show their respects and she reacted the same way she did each time. Smile. Thank you. Greet the next person that came. At the end of the day she walked through the halls of Garden with that now familiar silence running through her head. The thought dawned on her that twenty-four hours ago, she had a father.. She lived a normal life where people didn't take pity on her. Sighing, she pushed the thought right to the back of her mind where all of her other thoughts were locked tightly away. Not right now, she told herself.
The first time she felt any emotion since that morning was when she tried to walk outside and sooth her empty mind by looking at the stars. Perhaps it would make her feel content or fill her with a sense of sadness, she wasn't sure. But upon making her way outside, she found herself stopping in her tracks as she saw far in the distance her friends stood together. Selphie was giggling to herself as Irvine seemed engrossed in conversation with her blooming stomach, whilst Zell stood looking slightly uncomfortable at the situation yet humoured at the same time. She watched, hidden in the shadows as she heard the laughter and conversation from her friends, and couldn't help but wonder what would happen if she walked along and tried to join in with their jokes. Of course she already knew the answer to this. They would stop and stare, and they would tell her that they were sorry for her loss. Was she okay? Yes, she was fine. Then they would insist that they would always be there for her if she needed anyone. Would they even understand if she said what would help her more than anything in the world is them never to mention, or even remind her, what had happened last night? What would they say to that? How long would it even be before she could laugh and joke around with them again without feeling guilty? Perhaps this was why she was dreading facing up to her friends. Why all day she had ignored her phone whenever it rang and hid herself away in the library. As quietly as possible she made her way back inside and tried to avoid as many looks from people as possible. She didn't want to be stared at anymore. She didn't want any of this.
She pictured herself walking up to her friends and making a simple joke, how they would look at her like she was crazy. Like she'd grown an extra head. The first real emotion built up inside of her, she felt it bubbling through her veins and an explosion of thoughts daring to enter her head. I dare you. She couldn't help but feel angry, even though she knew there was no reason for her to be. People were reacting the way anyone else would. She probably would be the same. But she couldn't help feeling that horrible anger rising within her as she saw another group of students take a second glance at her. Double dare you. Why did she now feel like a complete outcast? Perhaps everyone was right, maybe she should break down and force herself to cry just to make other people happy. Maybe then people would accept her. Then all of the people who had approached her today would be able to take pity on her, because they knew what it was like. They were sorry for her loss.
Let it all out, this is what happened when I lost my…
It hurts a lot. You know, I couldn't eat for the next few days after…
I know how you must be feeling right now. I went through this when…
"I'm not going through anything," she said out loud and not even caring if anyone saw her talking to herself. Let them think I'm crazy, she thought. Maybe she was. Maybe…
I'm over it.
The Banana Girl was right, maybe she was over it? It's not like her and her Dad were close. After all, there was a reason why her and her father hadn't spoken for so many years she couldn't even remember the last time they'd had a proper conversation. There were a lot of reasons why she made an effort not to speak to him, not to call him 'Dad'. He had abandoned her, spoken to her like crap, never once in his life believing in her. There were a lot of reasons and memories that she could bring up to the surface, which was perhaps why she was over it. How many times in her past had she childishly wished he was not her dad? How many times had she told him she hated him? How many times in those desperate adolescent years had she wished he was… she had wished he was dead?
She let the anger build up within her, letting the one emotion fill her senses. She was seething with anger at everything but nothing at the same time. It was better than feeling that nothingness within herself. It was so much better than being an empty shell. She walked fast, determined not to bump into anyone she knew. She had already decided she was not going to spend the evening with Squall, and thankful she still had her old room. It was not used very often, but right now it was the greatest place she could imagine. Her legs took her faster, her agitation at the world and everything in it becoming too unbearable. She needed to hide away from all of this. She couldn't stand being on display for much longer, let everyone think what they liked. No one knew what she was going through. She didn't even know herself.
In the horizon her door was now in sight, her legs ached from walking so fast but she ignored it. She felt like she were in a horror movie, like she was trying to run away from the demons behind her to get to safety. Perhaps that was what she was doing, she wasn't sure anymore. All she knew was that she needed to be in her own walls where no one could look in. She needed to be in her own space where she was no longer judged.
Her hands shook as she fumbled with her keys in the lock, the need to get away from everything becoming unbearable. She could still hear the sounds of people around her, she could still see people turning and looking at her with pity in their eyes. Anyone who saw her would probably think she looked frantic, like a girl being chased, but she didn't care. She just needed to get away. The click of the lock was a blessing, and she hardly had time to feel the relief before she grabbed at the handle and pushed her body with full force inside the room. The slam of the door was the only noise as she pressed her weight against the now closed door. She was away. She was alone. It felt amazing.
For the next few minutes she stayed in the same spot, her head leaning against the cold surface of the door with her eyes shut tightly. Her breathing was slow and heavy, taking in every ounce of breath that she could. She was back in her old room, and she had never felt so relieved. For that brief moment, her body relaxed into a serene calm. The anger now subsided, and she was alone with that hollow head of hers. Her thoughts had quietened down. Welcome back to Denial Land. Please enjoy your stay.
Eventually her eyes opened to scan the inside of her room, everything was just as she had left it when she had last been here a few days ago apart from two changes she could see after a few moments. One came in the form of a single tulip lying helplessly at her feet. She gave it a puzzled look for a moment, bending to pick up the flower in her hand tp study it as if she had never seen one before. She wondered how it had got there. Possibly Squall had left it there for her, but did he even have a key? She wasn't sure. It was certainly a possibility, she decided she would question him about it tomorrow. Right now she needed to be away from him, away from everyone. He was just as bad as the rest of them, and right now she wasn't in the mood to solve the mystery of a tulip of all things.
The second change, she noticed as she placed the flower down on her desk. The red light flashing at her, bringing her glazed eyes back to reality. She stared down at the machine beside her phone for a brief moment before pressing a button and wondering who had left her a message. She listened to the monotone sound telling her she had one new message received yesterday at 9:43 am as she turned around to place her bag on the floor. She was halfway through unzipping her jacket when the sound of a voice held her in place. Suddenly those walls on denial were hard to keep sturdy as the message played to her in the empty room.
"Rinoa.. Is that you? Are you there? …Never mind. I ah… I just needed to call to hear your voice. There's… I… I just wish I could see you one last time, Rinoa. I need to tell you some things. Call me okay? Don't be a stranger forever, there's not…It's… I hate speaking on these things! I'll speak to you later."
A single tear made its way silently making it's trail along the contours of her face. She turned to the answering machine as if she would see her father there. Or perhaps she could just pick up the phone and call him back, maybe apologise for being late to phone, she's only just got his message. Then he'd say everything was fine and she would laugh at how awkward he sounded. She tried to block out the thoughts that entered her head, that hours after he tried phoning her he was sent into hospital. How if she had only been there for him, then maybe she could have had a few more moments with him? She wiped the tear away with the back of her hand. There was only one tear, one sad thought in her head, and then she was back to her numb state. A part of her wanted to play the message again, to find comfort in that this was the only way she'd be able to hear his voice. No, she had to be strong. She couldn't handle any of this. For now she needed to be back in denial, to not have any thoughts of…
She turned quickly as she heard a low rumble from behind her, disturbing her from her thoughts. The rumble continued and suddenly she was glad to see that there was a distraction. Bending down once more, Rinoa rummaged through her bag to find her phone, wondering who could be calling her. Perhaps it was another random caller telling her that they had heard the news and they were sorry for her loss. Maybe it was her friends wondering where she was, they hadn't seen her all day. In their mind she needed her friends right now. In their minds she knew they thought she needed a shoulder to cry on. Well guess what? She was doing fine on her own.
Anything would have been better than the call she got when she found her phone. She would have preferred to have a million sympathy callers, have all of her friends in her face than the reality of what was happening. The horror that shot through her body when she looked at the screen on the phone left her shaking. For a moment she thought she was imagining things, that the day had been so long and tiring that she was seeing things, her mind playing tricks on her. She blinked. Opened her eyes and it was still the same, obviously there could be some logical reason behind this, but right at that moment as she felt the phone vibrate in her hand, it scared the hell out of her.
Dad calling…
She let it ring, not daring to answer. And even after the phone had stopped vibrating she was left shaking and afraid in her room on her own. Her mind tried to comfort her, tried to tell her that it probably wasn't what she thought it was, but all she could think of was red balloons floating through the sky. All she could think of was that thing stood behind her in a garden. The wailing. The shuffling.
The fear.
Authors note: If anyone is interested, I am in serious need of someone who can proof read and edit my chapters. It's so hard to do it myself, and the person who used to do it no longer can. I'll be VERY happy indeed if anyone can do it.