The Battle of Land and Sea

Chapter Four

"It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses."

- Colette

Breathing.

Hard and heavy breathing in her ear. The kind of strange breathing that she could almost feel against her skin. She could almost smell the stench of breath… possibly the smell of stale alcohol. Or cigarettes. Maybe both? It was the kind of wheezing that could only come from a heavy smoker, yet she couldn't be sure with the phone held to her ear.

"Hello…?" she repeated once more.

Wheeze. Wheeze.

With a sigh, she took the incessant breathing away from her ear and looked at the phone in her hand. The screen lit up, telling her that it was an anonymous caller. She assumed that it was some prankster as she slid the phone shut, ending the call. She had far too much on her mind right now than to worry about someone who really needed to get their lungs checked out by a doctor. Seriously.

With a roll of her eyes, she placed the phone down back beside her bed and wiped her face. It was time to get back to what she had been doing before the strange call had interrupted her - crying. She had been grieving but it felt more like she was diagnosing herself with an illness called grief instead. That was what they called it, wasn't it? Rinoa had heard that there were different stages of grief and couldn't help but wonder which stage she might be in right now. Denial? Very much so, she mused to herself. Not anymore though. It seemed as if she had progressed onto the next stage, which was what?

"Incontrollable crying," she whispered to the empty room as she felt another wave of fresh tears well up in her eyes.

Her eyes were red and stinging from the tears as she wiped them away with her hands. But in all honesty, she had never felt so good. She finally felt alive. It finally felt real, and somewhere, deep down inside of her, it felt that maybe she would be able to face up to everything soon; to accept what had happened and start to move on. Soon… but not right now.

The phone stared at her from its place on the table, and again, she found herself wondering about the phone call. She could still clearly hear the wheezing in her mind, the pungent breath that blew an aroma of stale alcohol and cigarettes into her senses. Whiskey and cigars - that was what she could recollect, wasn't it? It was as if the breath could travel through the phone and plague her skin with the terrible stink. She could almost feel the warm breath on her neck. She turned her head in disgust at what her own mind was imagining.

Wheeze… Wheeze…

But still, she could hear it as clear as she had heard it on the phone moments before, and somehow, she could not get the thought of the call out of her mind. That sound… it seemed so… she couldn't put her finger on it. It was as if she could picture the mouth it came from in her mind, heard it somewhere before, felt like the breath coming from a mysterious thing behind her frozen body. Almost like that horrible wailing thing that had come right up right behind her amongst the tyrannical ruins of a child's birthday party. She had dreamt that same dream again last night and it just dawned on her now.

Yes, she remembered everything.

She had awoken in a sudden fright, stuck in a strange land, standing among a ruined birthday party. And there was that horrible thing behind her, creeping up on her again. But like most dreams, it was the thing that always chased you in the dark, the faceless spirits that sent a shiver down your spine - the ones who never quite crept up to you, never finished what they started, but always made you fear the moment when the waiting would be over, when it finally caught up with you, when you saw its true façade.

She looked around her room, suddenly feeling like a child scared and alone in the dark. Not even a moment later, every shadow cast around her room made her uneasy, making her feel as if there was someone hiding within the depths of her room, hiding behind her. She slowly sat upright on her bed, pressing her back against the cool wall, scanning her room. She felt beyond childish; knowing that even a child's fear disintegrated as soon as the lights came on to banish the darkness. She still felt apprehensive even though it was almost noon and there was indeed light in the room. If she listened faintly, she could hear the sounds of students outside, yet somehow, she felt alone and away from the rest of her world. It was just her and the shadows in her room.

Her eyes locked on her wardrobe, one of the doors were slightly open ajar. She could only see darkness within the small gap. Right now, her logic was telling her that this was stupid, that she was scaring herself for no reason at all, that it was all just a dream, that nothing that should affect her during the day. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that someone was in there, watching her in the darkness, waiting for the right time to pounce on her. If she could shrink any further into the bed, she would have right then. The fear was overwhelming, even though it seemingly came out of nowhere.

"This is stupid," she whispered to what she knew was an empty room. Although her voice was barely audible, it sounded so loud in the silent room. She shook her head and repeated those same three words again.

Standing to her feet, she forced herself to walk towards the wardrobe, thinking that if she stopped, the fear would probably come back again. So she continued to move forward. To her relief, the more she moved the more the fear began to subside.

Her hand stopped on the wooden knob of the handle. Through the slit, she could just make out the interior of her wardrobe. Exhaling a breath she hadn't noticed she had held, Rinoa opened the door with her hand slightly trembling. For a moment, she had almost expected someone to jump out at her. The monster would lunge from its place in the darkness and attack her alone in her room.

"What am I, five?" she said louder this time, trying to ignore the pounding in her chest that beat harder when she opened the door.

Her fear was met with nothing more than a messy wardrobe filled with her own clothes. Just as she figured, she was scaring herself. Closing the doors properly this time, she looked around her room still not able to shake the feeling that someone was watching. Someone was here, she didn't know how, but she could sense someone.

It was then that the monster showed itself.

Her heart lurched in her stomach as she heard the bang of something behind her. Her childhood fear of the bogeyman had finally found her. The faceless monster of her dreams was now becoming a reality. Whatever it was, it was here in her room ready to face her. She turned around with a scream almost losing her balance and falling to the ground. For a moment, she thought that this would be it. She would fall and the mysterious being would envelope her in its horror. She stumbled, but somehow managed to regain her balance and found she was now face to face with… nothing.

The reality almost made her laugh out loud at her own stupidity. The door loomed in front of her and Rinoa heard another knock and a worried-sounding Selphie behind it, calling through the door, asking if she was okay. Her heart still beat rampantly in her chest, the thumping noise of it filled her senseless until it began to slow down. Like the light chasing away the nightmares of a child, Selphie's presence was all that was needed to take away the fear.

"Rinoa..?" Selphie called from behind the door. "Is everything okay?"

Rinoa simply stood there, looking at the door. Still unable to move from the previous scare, she felt herself calm down. She continued to feel uneasy, but with every breath, the imaginary fear of someone watching being washed away. It was on the third call that Rinoa moved to the door. Perhaps it was the fear that if Selphie gave up and left the door, figuring that she was somewhere else, the monsters would once again prey on her. Rinoa had already decided that she did not want to sleep alone tonight. She needed people right now, she needed her friends.

"I'm coming Selphie," she called as she made her way towards her door.

Upon opening the door, she saw Selphie's jaw drop as she saw the girl in front of her. Rinoa's face was pale and her were eyes red from crying after what seemed like a lifetime ago even though she could still feel the dampness on her cheeks. It almost made her feel embarrassed to be seen in such a state, disliking the way her friend looked at her with such empathy, yet… welcoming it on a different level.

"Hey Selphie…"

It was as if she were back moments before, as if seeing the sight of her friend brought the reality of her father's death right back to the front of her mind. She barely managed to greet her friend before her voice cracked and once again she was filled with an overwhelming sense of loss. There was a hole within her that could not be filled anymore. She was alone.

The girl at the door embraced Rinoa tightly, and right now, that was all the comfort she needed. She didn't want to be alone anymore, she couldn't be alone. Not in this room where all of her childish fears came back to life. So she clung onto her friend until her tears started to subside, glad to feel grateful for her friends. The people she had been avoiding were the ones she needed near her all along. Selphie didn't say anything since age had made her slightly change her ways although she was still the same spunky girl she had met at seventeen. Sometimes she just knew when to be there, even if it meant being there without saying a word.

Eventually Rinoa found the strength to release herself from her friend's grasp, realizing she had been stood in the doorway for sometime with her friend. People had walked past and stared, she'd heard them whisper quietly to each other, but right now she did not care what people thought of her.

"I'm sorry," she said wiping her eyes. "Do you want to come inside?"

Each word felt like a great effort to form, as if her lips were in some sort of vice, never to let her speak the words which would admit that she was upset and that she was hurting. But she had to admit it. Even though Rinoa had asked, it was Selphie who ushered her inside and sat her down on the bed.

"Lucky I brought some tissues," Selphie said with a smile, holding out a tissue in her hand.

Rinoa accepted her offer and reached out to grab the tissue but as she did, something caught her eye and her hands stopped still in the air. Another fear crept up within her as she saw Selphie's other hand. She couldn't explain why, but she already knew exactly what was going on and what Selphie's response would be.

"What are they?" she asked, pointing her head towards the flowers in Selphie's other hands as if she had never seen flowers before. She wished she didn't have to ask the question- or hear the answer, which was what she dreaded more- as she already knew what they were.

"Oh these," Selphie looked at them sadly a moment before handing them over to Rinoa. Sitting down beside her friend, she placed a hand on her grieving friend's shoulder. "I found them outside your room. I guess someone left them there for you."

"I guess they did," Rinoa heard herself saying as she found herself transfixed with the flowers with a strange feeling coming over her.

She knew they were from the same mysterious person who had left them in her very room. It was strange enough to know that some stranger had been in her room and left her flowers before. But this was different because these hadn't been outside her door when she had come in her room…had they?

She was sure that they hadn't.

These had been delivered when she had been sat in her room; only moments ago when only a wall had separated her from the mysterious person. Somehow they must have known that she was here, otherwise she would have guessed that they would have let themselves in. There was a strong sense deep within her that screamed that these were not flowers left in sympathy. This was something different.

Rinoa saw herself place the flowers down on her bedside table, and felt herself smile at her friend. It was almost as if she was not in control of her body, as if she was possessed and now, that this cool shell of a person was taking over. It felt like it was some sort of distant dream, something that she knew she should tell someone about. She also knew that she should be a hell of a lot more terrified and disturbed by this, but truthfully, she wasn't.

It was just another thing to add to the surreal number of moments she had lived since her father's death. Still, she expected to wake up and everything would be back to how it was before so she wouldn't have to feel so lost and confused. The things that scared her right now were the dreams she had in the middle of the night, the monsters that lurked in her wardrobe and under her bed. The childish fears of shadows and strange noises in the night were what scared her the most. Death and the strange flowers were simply extra; they set up the atmosphere to this strange dream world she was now living in.

Snapping out of her reverie, she returned back to her friend's attention. Selphie had been sat patiently waiting for her to come out of her thoughts. She wore a worried look on her face but Rinoa didn't mind. Just as long as someone was here and she wasn't alone she was okay.

"It's a stupid question if I ask how you're coping, isn't it?" Selphie asked tenderly, holding Rinoa's hand tightly. Her warm fingers contrasting with Rinoa's own ice cold hands.

Rinoa smiled, even allowed herself to let out a small laugh. "I guess," she responded slowly, her eyes turning to the flowers for a brief moment before forcing herself to look at Selphie. Deal with grief now, the flowers can come later, she thought to herself. And looking at Selphie, it was easy to concentrate on what was at hand. "I feel weird…"

Her friend looked at her curiously, of all the things she was feeling right now, 'weird' seemed to be the only fitting word to describe the mass of emotions running through her mind. It was as if a gate opened and she started to see things more clearly, she realized things she had not before. How she missed living in the ignorance that there wouldn't suddenly be a day where death would creep up on her in its sudden and uncalled way!

"I need to plan a funeral, and I don't even know where to start," she cried. Of all the things that were going through her head right now; that seemed to be the only thing that made its way out into the air, made real as she finally spoke the words. It had become reality. "I don't even know where to start… what sort of funeral he would like… what music… I don't know anything… I don't know… him."

The words came out in short bursts, but they came, and they hit hard as they did, each reality much more hurtful, stabbing that much deeper. She suddenly felt so helpless and vulnerable, but she couldn't stop once she had started.

"I don't even know his favourite colours, or what his favourite songs were… I wouldn't know what to say… I didn't know who he was… I missed so much of his life from being angry at him…"

"Rinoa stop," her friend had been listening quietly, almost helplessly even. She took her friend's shoulders and looked at her desperately. Rinoa's eyes looked frantic like a scared child, but after a moment or two, she seemed to settle as her eyes focused on Selphie's face.

"I'll help you sort all of this out. We can plan the funeral together, and you can go to your home and find out about your Dad. There must be something in his house that would give you some clue about him and what he'd want."

Home. Back to Deling City, back to the house where she had grown up. The idea of going back there almost seemed wrong, especially now of all times. It didn't seem right when he wasn't there… but deep down, she knew this was the right choice.

"… When?"

"Tomorrow? Even tonight if you want, just as long as you go. You need to be where he is Rinoa. Not here, far away. You can't hide from this."

Rinoa slowly nodded her head. Yes, it made sense. At least she could maybe get away from the knowing looks from the students, the false sympathy… the strange flowers in her room. She was going... home, back to Deling City.

Back to her father.

Sobbing… someone was crying in the distance. She tried to listen closer to see who was upset but the realms of sleep gripped tightly, not allowing her to awaken. Maybe that was the best thing right now. It was wrapping itself around her, numbing the confusion and alarm she should be feeling. And all the time that incessant crying continued, someone was weeping with such sadness. Sleep now.. Sleep tight.

"She's gone…. No… I can't believe she's… how can she be… gone? Oh my…"

The shattered glass along the floor glistened in the afternoon sun cascading though the window. The cool amber liquid was damp against her skin, and the smell of liquor was the first things to fill her senses. It was at that moment when her head began to throb and that she saw red mixing with the spilt alcohol, making a sickening cocktail. Above her, he stood in shock, panting for breath.

She heard his apologies, but right now, they meant nothing. Of all the things that had happened in her life she knew one thing- it made her sick from the certainty of it all-

She hated him. She truly hated him.

It felt like being reborn. That was the best way she could describe it. It seemed though everything in her life had been part of another world, an entirely different dimension, one where things didn't seem so bad. But here, standing outside into the dark night, everything seemed so… new. She was looking at everything for the first time, her senses coming to life. She could feel the cool breeze running past her, playing with her hair and making her body run with shivers. The blue lights reflecting on the ground from Garden seemed so fascinating, almost magical. Above her was a vast sky of darkness, blanketed in thousands of tiny orbs; the stars that had once calmed her in that other life of hers. She now looked at them in bewilderment, they seemed to loom down on her with their careless beauty. Something that she once loved to look at during the night, was now something that seemed to mock her. She felt envious of how calm and serene everything looked, how nothing bad happening around here. But of course, she felt far from serene. She'd love to look up to the sky and feel awed by it. To actually see the beauty in the world no matter how bad life seemed.

Tonight however, everything was different.

She heard his footsteps before sensing his presence, but she already knew who it was without even having to shift her gaze from those damned stars. He stood quietly beside her, not speaking or giving her any sort of notice that he was present. He simply waited. It really was like being reborn again, everything felt new. It saddened her to realize that even her relationship with Squall felt slightly different, not quite the same as her first life. She wasn't sure how it was different exactly and why it saddened her, she knew she certainly didn't feel any less for him, but there was something missing. She wasn't whole anymore.

Her eyes fell to his face for a moment, realizing his attention was now on her briefly, a curious look in his features as he once again turned to the sky. Then he did something that saddened her even more—

He made small talk.

To any normal person, this would have been perfectly fine, but Rinoa knew her boyfriend didn't do small talk. And there it was. There was the changed thing in their relationship that would have never happened in Life Number One. Squall Leonhart was so uncomfortable around her right now that he actually felt the need to speak about nothing.

"It's a beautiful night," was that dreaded sentence he gave, the sentence that felt like a stab in the stomach for his girlfriend who had made the revelation of what was happening. "You watching the stars?"

Stab. Another pang of pain at the second sentence. She ignored it and forced herself to concentrate on the topic of conversation. Rinoa in Life Number One would have smiled and used that as an excuse to get closer to him, but Rinoa in Life Number Two just stood there feeling more and more frustrated at everything.

"No, I hate them," she responded as calmly as she could.

She ignored Squall's confused looked and kept her eyes ahead of her. A ball was forming in her throat for no particular reason at all and she had to keep her gaze firmly on the sky as an attempt to stop the tears from falling. Honestly, she had no idea why she felt like this, it was so random but, then again, it was a very strange time.

"They don't have any problems, they just constantly look so nice and peaceful and happy. I hate them.."

As soon as the words left her lips, she couldn't help feeling the idiocy at her words. Of course no one would understand the logic in being jealous at the stars. She looked timidly at Squall, fighting the urge to let the dam of tears fall.

"Rin…they're only a bunch of rocks in the sky." Squall said, feeling slightly confused and amused at the same time from his lover's strange outburst.

"That…must have sounded better in my head, huh?" Rinoa choked a half-laugh, half-cry.

She wasn't sure which of the 'halves' did it, but it was enough to release the tears she had been holding in. She allowed herself to be held into Squall's embrace, he never hesitated for a moment, not like he had all of those years ago. Resting her head against his shoulder, she grasped him as tightly as she could, she felt like if she let him go, she would lose what small amount of strength was left and breakdown completely. And right now, if she let go and allowed herself to cry, to really weep out loud, she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to stop.

"I don't like this," she whispered, her warm breath tingling the skin on his neck.

He held her tighter, stroking his hand through the softness of her hair. He hated to see her upset, but somewhere deep down, he was glad that she was dealing with it now. He knew there was no wrong or right way of course, but seeing her act so normally at the death of her father, it disturbed him. It really did. Rinoa wasn't like that, she was emotional.

When she was angry, she let people know. When she was happy, she did the same. And when she was upset, well…he realized that maybe she had a good skill for putting up a façade when she needed to. But when he had seen her acting like it were any other day around the people she worked with everyday, as if nothing had ever happened, he wondered. That wasn't Rinoa…was it? The girl he had known was outspoken and always let people know what she felt and why.

Why didn't she this time?

Looking down at her, he studied her features for a moment. She was the same Rinoa he had always known and grown to love, but she had become different the last few days - which in its circumstance, was completely understandable but…

He guessed that he would be the one she would turn to when he pictured anything like this happening. She wouldn't feel like she needed to hide and push him away. It wouldn't have taken her a few days to even show the slightest bit of sadness whilst in his presence. But it had been completely the opposite.

"…You don't have to deal with this on your own Rinoa." He decided to speak the thought out loud rather than in his head. Maybe it would do more good out in the open, who knew?

Rinoa's weight shifted in his arms and he found her looking up at him, a sad smile in that beautiful face of hers. "I know."

He saw her stare at him expectantly, waiting for him to elaborate, knowing without really knowing that there was more to this. God, he hated this. Sometimes he wished that he could take the easy route and be how he used to be. No attachments, not having to worry about someone else. But on the other hand, he also knew deep down that he didn't believe that at all, that it would truly be the easy way out. So, he did what he did these days, he elaborated.

"I've been trying to be there for you but," he began, "…I was under the impression that you wanted to be left alone."

Rinoa looked to the ground, suddenly feeling bad. She'd snapped at Squall the previous day whilst looking at the flowers and hadn't seen him since. How could she have forgotten about that? She hated arguments with anyone. Still, how she managed to not talk to anyone about something so significant in her life and not even notice struck her as odd.

"I'm sorry," she said slowly. "My mind's been all over the place… I just can't get my head around everything. Things are so strange recently, I can't concentrate on anything. It constantly feels like I'm in some sort of nightmare that I'm going to wake up from."

Squall squeezed her shoulder, wishing he could do something to make her feel better. "…Would that explain why you were going to leave for Deling City without telling me?"

He knew how hard this was on her, and he could see the hurt that spread through her features, but for some reason he felt the need to bring it up. You're a bastard, he told himself.

"Selphie told me today and…I was wondering when you would too."

Rinoa put her head in her hands, feeling very foolish all of a sudden. "Squall, I completely forgot. I'm sorry." He stared at her with a look she could not read. Again, the tears began forming in her eyes. This time she didn't even try to stop them from falling. "I want you to come with me, Squall. It's just that I feel so lost and I don't know where to turn. I have no idea what I need to do right now. It just really hurts. It hurts more and more each day and I'm just cutting people out of my life that I shouldn't."

She wasn't sure if what she had said even made any sense to him, she found herself feeling more hurt and upset than she had felt in a very long time. Eventually, she felt his arms wrap around her once more, his own way of saying her was still there. Somehow it felt relieving to finally break down just a little in front of someone. It was slight weight had been lifted from her shoulders, but there was still a massive load weighing her down.

As she clung to Squall, she couldn't help the childish fears creeping back to her, those childish fears of the bogeyman and the monsters under the bed. She was terrified to go back to Deling City, to go back in the very home that her father had once lived in. Everything in there was still his and it was such a big house with lots of empty rooms. The idea of being there, in a dead man's house, within the walls where he father had once walked within… it scared her. What if his presence were still there? It seemed so stupid, of all things right now, she should not be thinking of a fear of ghosts and the monsters, but her mind was very irrational right now, and that is what she was concentrating on. Her fear. The ghosts… the reality.

…the memories.

"Will you come?" she whispered through her thoughts. It was a hazy cloud between her thick confused thoughts and emotions and the reality of the world that was still going on around her. She felt Squall lips kiss her forehead gently, and her fears subside a little - a little.

"I'll come."