Latent Epiphany
Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams stood at her workstation in the hold of the Normandy,
striping and cleaning the weapons in her care, her movements were deft and sure as
she went about a routine she could have done in her sleep. Her calm exterior belied
the racing thoughts she had in her head: all was not right on the 'Mandy. The problem
was a subtle one, and as far as Williams knew only Dr. Chakwas and Ashley herself
were aware of it. This problem was Lilith Shepard, and Ashley was worried.
" The Commander hasn't been the same since Virmire. I thought it was just the shock of
losing Kaidan. We all share that, but this is different. Soldiers die; it's part of the job, you
store up the pain, the loss, and confusion until after the task is done. That's when you
mourn, and rail at the universe for the loss of a comrade; the death of a friend.
I know the LT had a thing for the Commander, but I'd thought she hadn't returned those
feelings. Hmm, Dr. T'soni also seemed to be interested, that was certainly the scuttlebutt
I heard anyway. I know Shepard hasn't shown any interest in her either; she's always so
formal with the asari scientist. "
Williams set aside the assault rifle she'd been cleaning—her rifle—a Spectre class weapon
that Shepard had given her as a gift. Shepard had bought all of them their weapon of choice,
pistols for the LT and Liara, a sniper rifle for Garrus, Tali and Wrex favoured shotguns—Shepard's
own favourite weapon—and for Williams it had been an assault rifle. The Commander had watched
her face intently when she'd handed it over.
" Don't I just know that I must have looked like a little kid at Christmas. I could see the laughter in the
Commander's eyes as I took it.
" Use it well, Chief. "
She'd said it so gently I almost didn't hear, and then she turned away, slapped Wrex on the shoulder
and discussed the merits of their new toys. I remember she beckoned Tali over before moving on to
talk with Liara and the LT. Things seemed to have improved—Kaidan didn't appear to be as distant
around Shepard as he had been. The Skipper placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle
squeeze before she left. That was the night before we landed on Virmire. "
Williams sighed as she reached for Shepard's shotgun. She checked that the devastating
weapon was unloaded and the safety was on before beginning to strip it down. She shied away from
the memories of that last mission; the wounds were too fresh and too happier
memories, Ash thought back to when they had first arrived at the Citadel.
" The Council refused to believe that Saren was a traitor, and we were on the way to see
Harkin about trying to track down Garrus. When we reached the wards, the first thing we saw was
a viewing point with a vista of the five ward arms reaching out to embrace the Serpent Nebula.
We paused for a while to enjoy the view, but then the LT made a comment about the difficulties
there must be in getting all the races to work together.
" Or maybe they just don't like humans. " I'd replied.
The Skipper pulled back from where she'd been leaning on the balustrade, turned, looked me in the
eyes, and asked me,
" What's not to like? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this thing called love, according to
the old vids we have everything they could want. "
I was taken aback, both by the question and the look in her eyes, mostly gentle humour, but with a
trace of something else, something that—while I couldn't define it—made me just the tiniest bit
jumpy. Confused, I blurted the first thing that entered my head.
" If they want to see me in a tinfoil mini skirt and thigh-high boots, I want dinner first."
The commander's eyes lit up, the indefinable gleam grew stronger as she grinned that lopsided
grin of hers—the one with the slight sideways tilt of the head—and replied teasingly,
" Now that would be worth the cost to see. "
Other memories overwhelmed her, making Ashley's head whirl as she recalled all of the
chats she and the Commander had shared, and how she had come to enjoy speaking with the
slightly older woman. She remembered how Shepard had teased her after overhearing a vid
message from one of her sisters, and the brief flash of pain behind the Skipper's eyes after she'd
asked about Lilith's family. Even now, Ash felt guilty for having so carelessly caused that split
second of pain.
" How could I have forgotten she was from Mindoir? "
Thankfully, a pleasanter memory interceded, distracting the young Gunnery Chief from
berating herself once again. She remembered how afraid—almost terrified—she'd secretly been as
she explained her family history to Shepard. While she waited for the usual result of that revelation,
the Skipper had surprised and delighted her. There had been none of the retreating behind barriers
of formality with the hidden, yet searing, looks of disdain. Instead, Shepard had taken it in stride,
and the inevitable distancing that usually followed a CO discovering her family's dishonour didn't
occur. Shepard had instead gained a greater insight into what drove Ash to excel.
She even remembered how the Skipper had always ended their chats with a soft, " Dismissed Chief. "
" So gently, almost... tenderly. "
" Oh God! " Ash whispered.
" Was the Skipper flirting with me? Did she even realize that she was? "
Ash re-examined all of the times they had spoken together, searching for a clue as to what
was happening in the enigmatic Commander's head. She noted with a new clarity how her
interactions with Shepard were always subtly different compared to how she interacted with the rest
of the crew.
" Nothing... improper. " Ash mused. " Shepard always maintains a layer of professionalism
in how she acts with me, but... there's always that feeling that there's something more that just
hasn't been said. A tension in her that she can't—or won't—define, the same kind of tension and
confusion that I—feel—every time. "
Feeling unsteady as her thoughts whirled, the young Gunnery Chief collapsed to her knees
on the harsh, cold metal surface of the deck. She clasped Lilith's shotgun to her chest as she
realized that whether Shepard had been flirting with her or not, she certainly had feelings she didn't
really understand for her Skipper.
" But, I've... never been attracted to a woman before. I'd thought she was beautiful when we
met, but not in a sexual way... Hadn't I? It was just one woman noticing and acknowledging the
good-looks of another... Wasn't it? "
Ash let out a soft gasp.
" Oh God, it wasn't! When... How did this happen? "
Her emotions in turmoil at the unexpected discovery of just how she felt about her
Commander, Ash's thoughts spiraled in a maelstrom of confusion.
" Does she feel the same way? Is this what I really want? Am I misreading what is
happening here? What if I am? What if... I'm not? "
The troubled Chief stared into the black reflective finish of the shotgun in her hands as if it
were an oracle that could answer the multitude of spinning questions, and could tell her what to do
now. As if this weapon of war could hold within it the key to her inner peace.
Staring at the shotgun's barrel reminded Ash about Virmire once again. She remembered
fighting for her life with the salarians, the geth pushing them back and beginning to flank. She'd
known they were going to die.
" The sacrifice would have been worth it, to save the 'Mandy—and Shepard. "
The mission hadn't even been on her mind at that point; the only thing that had mattered to
her had been Lilith escaping before the bomb detonated. It seemed so obvious to her now, why she'd
been more preoccupied with where the Spectre was than whether or not they succeeded in
destroying Saren's base.
" But then I saw Shepard rush forward her shotgun—this weapon—drawn, ready to kill
anything in her path, her expression had almost been... frantic. Our eyes fleetingly met—the initial
look of relief in her eyes when she first saw me, had given way to one of shocked disbelief and
something harder to define, almost like a brief flash of... guilt—then we both turned to the skirmish
going on around us forcing us to concentrate on killing or be killed. "
Ash's brow furrowed as she tried to puzzle out what her Commander could have been
thinking in that brief moment.
" Guilt? Why would the Skipper have felt that? She'd just saved the lives of the salarian
infiltration team and mine, at the expense of Kaidan's. I could understand if it had been pain and
regret—remorse even—but guilt? It was the right choice to save the greater number of lives despite
my argument that she should save the LT—Shepard had even told me so in our last conversation
so why should she feel guilty? "
"... Unless..? "
Tears of sympathy began to flow, as Ash thought she finally understood the depression that
had settled over Shepard.
" Does she think she made her choice because she has feelings for me? Did she chose to
save me because... she loves... me?
Ash remembered all the times she had caught Lilith looking at her intently. Sometimes it had
been just after they had been in a battle. Ash had just put it down to the Skipper making sure she
was uninjured; but there had been other times when they'd been on the Normandy or the Citadel,
and Ash had turned only to find the Commander watching her with inscrutable eyes.
" Oh God... She does! I... I have to talk to her! "
The young Chief stood, her legs uncertain as she gently—almost reverently—placed the
shotgun on her workbench. She gave the weapon one last look before turning and racing towards
Lilith's quarters.