Where I Stood – Missy Higgins

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"Cloud."

The blond man hesitated in his actions, legs pressing against the side of their bed as he sorted through what he was going to take with him. The room was dimly lit by the corner lamp, shadows deep, the suitcase looking darkest of all… but this wasn't something he could turn from. His head dipped at the voice from the doorway, but he didn't stop for long. Slowly, his motions resumed, the sorting, the folding, the packing.

There was despair, low and heartfelt, when Leon spoke again: "Cloud, please. You don't… you don't have to do this."

Cloud shook his head, a quick, impatient movement, agitation, never far at bay, rising anew. "Leon, don't."

The man was at his elbow in a heartbeat, replying, with almost a childish petulance, "No, you don't! Don't go! Don't leave me, Cloud, please!" His fingers wrapped around the blond's arm, a desperate cling, a scared, lost look on his face when the blue eyes dared to glance over. The fear in Cloud's gaze almost matched his own, of separation, of being alone. All walls were down in this instant, all masks, all pretence at apathy that either of them exuded. They cared, damn it, they felt. But…

Cloud's expression, slowly, bit by bit, it closed down. It drew away, the pain and fear were smothered under a blanket of determination. His head lowered, arm tugging, trying to free itself of the brunet's grip.

"Leon. Don't," he muttered again. "I don't – just… please."

Angrily, Leon's grip tightened. "No! Not until you give me a good reason why you're leaving me. I don't – I don't believe all that crap you said earlier, I can't! I can't believe that you have to go because you love me too much!"

The blond's head came up, eyes going straight ahead, expression suddenly raw, eyebrows knitted, a sharp intake of breath. "Leon. Leon, listen." His voice was shaking, he wouldn't look at the man, though those pale eyes studied him ceaselessly, trying to find the root of this hideous, awful problem that had to be solved before Cloud went away forever. "Leon – I – it's true. I have to go, and… find my own way." His hands clenched into fists as he muttered, "You saved me, Leon, you know that. After Sephiroth… and everything… you saved me. Made me – " He looked over, willing the other to understand. "You made me strong, and – and helped me to believe in myself."

Horror and disgust threaded through the brunet, his fingers jumping away from his lover. He shuffled back several steps, Cloud watching warily. "So, what? Now that you're all better again after what that man did to you…" A bitter laugh broke free. "You're done with me? I've served my purpose in your life?"

"No!" It was almost shrill, almost a scream. Sudden terror showed in Cloud's face as he leapt across to his soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. He snatched for Leon's hands, pursued them when the man tried to jerk them out of reach, grabbed them fiercely and forced their eyes to meet. "No, Leon! No." He was breathless, frustration rising. "I'm not that fickle!"

"Then, what?" Leon's voice was strained. Both of them were near to tears, though neither seemed to notice, neither daring to acknowledge the fact. "Why?"

"You – it's because…" Hopelessly, Cloud revealed, "It's because you're everything to me. You're… my entire world, Leon." A hand worked loose of their mutual clenching of fingers, pushed through his wild thatch of hair in anxiety. "I can't imagine – a life without you. Not for a second. It's like… without Leon, there is no life. I can't – imagine anyone else touching you, I don't – " The frustration increased. "I don't know who I am without you." He searched the brunet's gaze for understanding. "I don't have my own personality anymore, Leon, I'm just – I live for you. I live for you, and if something ever happened to you, I'd die. I'd just… I'd flat-out die." Leon's grey gaze was tainted with uncertainty, his grip on Cloud's fingers loosening the slightest amount. "Maybe," the blond continued in a whisper, "maybe that sounds romantic to you, or would to someone else, but – " A slight, breathy, half-hysterical laugh. "I've been there and done that." Desperately, he asked, "What have I done but replace Sephiroth with you?"

Leon's eyes widened dramatically. Lips almost numb, he commanded, "Don't you dare compare me with that man."

"I'm not," the blond quickly assured, shaking his hand agitatedly. "I'm not, I swear – I'm talking about me, Leon, not you. I just – I should be more than this. I should be more than the person that I'm with. I should be… Cloud. Just Cloud." His eyes were pained, but filling with resolve. He glanced over at the bed, the packing that had been done, and… he knew that this was right. It wasn't good, it couldn't be if it hurt this badly, but – it was right. It was what had to happen. "You've got to understand," he said softly, after a long silence. "It's because I trust myself now. Because of you. And that's – why – I have to leave you." He looked at Leon again, saw that the man had broken, was crying quietly, because his heart was falling apart and there no way to patch this up. There was no problem to fix. Cloud was leaving the nest, Leon's wing of protection no longer required. The blond gave a watery smile. "I love you more than anyone that's ever entered my life, Leon. And... whoever comes after me... they'll love you more than I could."

Leon walked away at that point, disappeared into the house, into the garage. He climbed into the car like a wooden puppet, started the engine and drove away, just about blinded by his tears.

When he came back, three hours later, the love of his life was gone, and wouldn't be coming back.