I'm Going to Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart – the Eels

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Christmas really is a sucky time of year. Not just because there's little to no meaning in it anymore, not just because the prices of everything actually important get jacked up beyond belief, not because the malls get grossly crowded and driving becomes a bitch between the twin aggravations of snow and idiots… Nope. All that is already a given. Everyone knows how much Christmas sucks for those sorts of things.

No, you see, for Riku, Christmas sucked because, like every other lonely sap in the world, it was the time of year when all the memories came. He hated Christmas, because it was the one time of year when you were supposed to be surrounded by loved ones or whatever, or even just have that special someone… and all he had was a haunting few visions in his skull, a couple of faded voices, and a whole truckload of regret.
Every other day of the year, he could handle this. He wouldn't have had a problem with it. And it wasn't even that he felt dreadfully alone, as such, though it would have been nice to share it with someone. It was – he felt guilty. This was the quiet, reflective time of year when you looked at yourself, and made the judgement for Santa – have I been a good boy, or do I deserve a stocking filled with coal?

Riku was gradually realising the answer to that. Because this wasn't just any old Christmas memory, any old regret – it was a revelation, and it hurt like a bitch. It stung, twisted, burned, was sour on his tongue. He cast his mind back without even trying, without wanting to, and for the first time in years saw the way that Sora had wept when he'd told him he was leaving him. He'd viewed the scene almost dispassionately at the time, with a hint of confusion. Sora was – he had made such a fuss. Had asked so many questions, never realising that Riku knew – he knew that he was unlovable. Knew this whole thing was just a charade. Or at least, he had known it. He'd been so sure of it at the time, so sure of his own worthlessness. Certain that Sora would be better off finding someone else, someone really worth all his magical time and smiles. The drama that the kid had thrown, well, it had just been – what, pity? Something like that? Riku hadn't actually believed Sora could get so upset over something like this. At least, not for long. Soon enough, he'd figure out how much happier he was without the silver-haired male's presence in his life.

And six months later, when Riku had seen the boy looking thin and hollow-eyed at a party a friend had dragged him to, he'd thought – well, he'd just figured Sora was working too hard. And – the pain in his eyes, when he'd noticed Riku there?

The longing?

Riku just hadn't acknowledged them. He knew best, after all. Knew what a drag of existence he was. Knew… that Sora was better this way.
Funny how, four years later, that expression could float up out of nowhere, really sock him one to the gut. Catharsises… weren't a lot of fun. Riku hadn't seen Sora again since that night, hadn't heard about him, had lost touch with all their mutual friends when he'd moved across the country a year after it had happened. He didn't know where the brunet was anymore, because four years was a long time. People got jobs, they met people, they shifted. Life moved on. And maybe, somewhere out there, the guy really was happy, was happier without Riku…

But that didn't change the fact that he really – he had loved him. Had loved him with all his wonderful heart… and Riku had inadvertently broken it. Sora seen all the moods, endured the depressions, the rages, the fear, the self-loathing, and had managed to love him despite it all. He'd put up with… all that. Shouldn't that have been proof enough?

In the here and now, a more mature Riku sighed, hands deep in his coat pockets as he traversed the salted sidewalks, feeling a little stone in his insides come loose and give way to a gush of shame and pity. It hurt to have to feel it… but Sora deserved as much. Wherever he was, even if Riku couldn't physically say sorry… he could at least acknowledge that one person had had his soul a little bit shattered by his loss.

Christmas… was pretty fucking depressing that year.