A/N: Thanks to everyone for reading...and for the feedback. It truly means the world. And now...the next chapter. Brennan is on her way to figuring out what is really weighing on her mind...Hope you enjoy! -AnaG
She'd accepted a plastic cup of the deceptively sweet local brew discovered and now beloved by the grad students, and then hovered around the edge of the crowd long enough to make her presence known, to seem like a member of the team. They were a good group, deserved the celebration of the near end of a successful dig, but her heart wasn't in it.
As soon as she could, she made her way to the work area, the sounds of the party receding behind her. Placing the untouched cup on a nearby bench, she surveyed her refuge, grateful to find it completely deserted. Exactly as she usually found it on those nights when she couldn't sleep, when her brain wouldn't stop processing the endless possibilities.
The daylight hours held their own difficulties, but the nights were worse. The empty hours that gave her mind enough time to travel the distance to the harder questions, beyond the implications of physical response to the real heart of the matter.
The kiss— the kiss had been so much more than she had been prepared for, but if she tried hard enough, she could almost couch it in rational terms. The tougher part, the one that was keeping her awake at night, was what had happened later.
I love my gift, Booth.
It was the truth. She had loved the tree, and that moment crystallized exactly how much he meant to her, what he meant to her. The trouble came only after she turned away from that window, when the doubts started to eat away at the edges of her certainty.
It began when, surrounded by her family commenting on his kindness, his understanding, she realized how much he was woven into the fabric of her life. Work. Family. Relationships. With the exception of the field work that she did abroad, she was hard pressed to identify a single aspect of her life that he wasn't a part of, or at the very least, influenced. He understood her more than anyone had since before her family had disintegrated. Probably more. Definitely more.
A kind, sensitive, caring, protective man, a good man, that not only understood, but accepted, her for what she was. She didn't understand why that frightened the hell out of her. More than the possible impact to their work, the work that was a part of who she was. More than the potential risk that seemed to be such a factor for Booth. It made no sense. Why had it been the safety of falling in love with him that sent her running?
The question, if not the answer, had followed her that night on the drive from the prison. Not until she saw the corner of the unused plane ticket peeking from her satchel did she begin to understand. The thought of Peru had immediately sparked comparisons between the nature of the work that she would have done there, had done in the past, with the investigations that were a part of her life in D.C.
Her life had changed so much. She had changed. And so much of it was due to Booth's presence in her life. She'd wanted to be more than a lab rat, and he'd given her that. In so many ways, he'd opened another world for her, and not simply with the fieldwork. He'd interpreted for her, guided her through that world. Challenged and supported her in the search for a different perspective.
It wasn't that she didn't value what he'd done for her. She couldn't have done it without him. That was the problem. That once well-defined boundary, the one between herself and everyone else, was so blurred that she didn't recognize it. And that, that is what made the 'safe' choice terrifying for her.
Standing there, holding that boarding pass in her hand, she'd known that before she could be with him, she had to know who she was without him, that she could navigate that new world he'd shown her on her own. And even though Peru wasn't the whole world, at least it was a start.
Now, weeks later, as she absently wandered through the work space, she examined the magnifiers, scopes and forceps, the ubiquitous stacks of files on one table and the artists' renderings in the makeshift gallery, only to find her focus retracting back into the internal dialogue that had followed her here. The realization drove home the fact that work was no longer the reprieve, the hiding place, from the uncertainty of the rest of the world that it used to be.
Where did that leave her? Maybe it was time to go home, to confront the situation and reclaim her life. Or did it mean that for all the distance between Peru and D.C., it wasn't enough?
She sat at workbench, head falling into her hands, heavy with weariness and the weight of the thoughts plaguing her.
"What do I do now, Booth?" The words escaped in a whisper before she could reclaim them.
"Booth? Ah, so that explains why you haven't accepted our offer yet."
Brennan looked up to find Dr. Standish—Meredith—standing at the entrance to the room with a knowing smile on her face. Her own face flushed with embarrassment; she had developed a good working rapport with the woman, her counterpart, and assistant to the project's sponsor, Dr. Rukeyeser, but wasn't nearly comfortable with discussing this situation with her.
"I'm sorry, that wasn't what…"
"He's the one in that picture, right, with the suit and that smile? Who can blame you for not wanting to leave all of that…"
The other woman's words receded as Brennan's mind flashed on the picture on the tiny bedside table in her sleeping quarters, the one Dr. Standish had seen during one of her impromptu visits. A snapshot of the entire team, standing on the platform, with the two of them in the center, his arm around her shoulders.
"No." She interrupted Standish's monologue. "That's my team. And Booth, he's…my partner. That's all."
She winced inwardly at the brusque tone, the suddenly awkward expression on her colleague's face. But she had to put an end to this entire tangent.
However, the other woman quickly recovered, a mischievous glint returning to her eyes.
"Well, then, if that's the case, why don't you come join the party? Frank Smithson's there, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind the chance to take your mind off of whatever's troubling you."
Brennan cringed at the thought; the arrogant, too-slick professor from Stanford had been hitting on her since she arrived, and couldn't seem to take a hint. Or straight-forward rejection, for that matter.
"No. I don't think that would be…appropriate." She replied, pulling a stack of lab notes towards her, in hopes that it would ward off any further attempts at luring her into being social.
"Yeah, he is a little much, isn't he? Okay, well you know where we are if you change your mind. If nothing else, there's plenty of that magic juice the kids have been drinking."
"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." As the other woman turned to leave, she turned her attention back to the lab reports, suddenly at a loss as to what she was supposed to do with them.
"Dr. Standish?"
The other woman turned back, an expectant look on her face.
"Change your mind already?"
"No. If you would, please tell Dr. Rukeyeser, I'll have a decision for him tomorrow. About the job offer, I mean."
"Sure. Not a problem. And Dr. Brennan, I really hope that you'll be joining us."
Brennan forced herself to return the woman's smile until she finally departed, then released a heavy sigh.
All she had to do now was make a decision.