Thanks for reviewing. This chapter is a flashback, I hope it works- haven't wrote such a long flashback before.

Chapter eight

Don't Give Up

The Blood Reserve.

April, 21st 2008

19.14 P.M

Resting her head against the car seat, Scully considered Joe Taylor's words, did he mean, she didn't need a piece of paper to be married to Mulder because she already was, in a way? Would it change anything between them to actually be married? Probably not! They had acted like teenagers in the beginning of their relationship; for such a long time, they had fooled themselves into believing they were just friends. Smiling, she remembered the day when they no longer could kid around anymore; memories of the day were still fresh in her mind.

"I don't imagine you need to be told this, you're no looser, Mulder" She looked down at her feet as she walked beside him, still, ashamed of herself. How on earth, had it been possible for Eddie Van Blundth to fool her into believing, he was Mulder?

"I'm no Eddie Van Blundth either, am I?" He looked down too, both unwilling to meet the other's eyes.

It had been this way ever since that night. An odd awkwardness had sneaked in between them, retreating both of them into silence. The only words shared between them were unavoidable necessities, mostly work related. It stressed her, more than she was willing to admit to anyone, including herself. In the past they had managed to handle difficult situations between them rationally; by simply denying them and the existence of deeper layers in their feelings and partnership.

The veil they successfully had covered the truth with was, now, drifting in a violent wind, leaving corners fully exposed and refusing to conceal what was buried. It left her on unfamiliar ground, slowing her steps down and bore holes in her heart and thumping pain into her veins, making it hard to breath at times. Especially, when Mulder was close.

Until now, her life had been too busy to analyze the glimpses of longings and loss, believing she gained more this way, the chances of loosing minimized.

All that had come to an abrupt end that night, three weeks ago. The night she had allowed Eddie close enough to get under her skin, to the point where she willingly gave him access to her lips, if they hadn't been disturbed. The most alarming part was that she had believed Eddie to be Mulder, believed he wanted her. Easily taken by his charms, eager to believe, the downfall had been evil; the disturber was Mulder.

Mulder! For a long time Mulder looked her in the eyes, the disgust floating from his eyes to hers had torn her heart apart, until he finally broke their connection. After that their eyes never meet, always focusing on walls, doors, floors or accidentally on their faces.

At the same time the silence had found its way into their path, their vivid discussions of different opinions fading into polite simplicities. Their frequent phone calls stopped and when they called; they never said 'it's me' but their names. Every time he started that way her heart sank, not that she blamed him; she was no better.

"Scully?" Not daring to look up, he secretly watched her from the corner of his eyes.

His voice interrupted her line of thoughts, not knowing what to expect from him, she kept her voice low and even; "Yeah?" She bowed her head further down; she hated the awkwardness between them.

"Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" Briefly, daring to lift his head, he regretted it right away, when he saw her head fly up.

"Coffee? Sure, why not" She sounded doubtful, like she rather turn him down on his offer. Truth was, that she was confused, why, suddenly, this interest in her?

In silence she followed him to a nearby coffee bar, looking around, she noticed they would have more privacy than she hoped for, due to the earliness of the day, the place was almost empty of people. Breathing deeply out, she seated in the chair Mulder offered her. Another new thing between them, he was more considerate of her these days, though he hardly ever looked directly at her, only when he thought, she wasn't paying any attention to him.

Like now, she felt his intense stare on her; unable to meet it she studied her nails.

"What can I get you, Scully?" He broke the ice.

"Huh! Oh…A Latte thanks" Hotness came over her, when she stumbled over the words, for seconds all remembrance of coffee sorts had vanished from her mind, leaving her mute.

"Be right back" He left her alone with her blushing. How had things turned so wrong?

She jumped in the chair, when he placed the glass of coffee before her, "thanks."

Briefly, she met his eyes and saw the same alertness in them; she assumed was in her own.

"No bother, Scully" he smiled faintly.

Scully sipped her coffee, the uncomfortable air around them pulled at her heart and made her feel lost. Normally, they only managed to stay mad at each other for a couple of hours, but lately, more accurate within the last year, things had changed.

"Scully?"

Hearing the pleading in his voice she looked up, unguarded, she met his puppy eyes. "What is it, Mulder?" The sharpness of her voice unintended, remorsefully, she saw him winch at her tone of voice.

"Mulder, what is it?" she softly asked, gently touching his hand with her fingertips.

"What did he say to you that would allow him to kiss you?" this time he didn't look down.

"Who?" Buying time she faked ignorance.

"You know who, Scully"

She grew uncomfortable under his intense stare. "Erg, he asked why we never really talk… you know…" Again, she stumbled over the words. This was difficult; they had agreed to forget everything.

"Once we did really talk, Scully." He wouldn't drop the subject.

"Yes we did, Mulder. And we reached a decision, not that long ago, remember?" She kept her eyes locked with his.

"What if it was the wrong decision, Scully?"

The intenseness of his stare frightened her, she always found him hard to refuse, when he looked at her that way.

"Was it, Mulder? Or is this just that you won't let anyone have, what is not wanted by you." The edge was back in her voice.

"Not wanted! Is that what you think?" Disbelief was evident in this voice.

"No, no of course not!" she sighed, suddenly tired.

Focusing on her coffee, she pretended it wasn't a lie. They had made the decision together, but had he agreed because it had been an easy way out? Never had she been this unsure and insecure around a man. Mulder got under her skin like no-one else ever had.

This time it was Mulder sighing, "I hope you don't think this is about me not wanting you, it would be far from the truth. The truth I hope we both know."

With her head spinning, she chose to take a long sip of her coffee only to burn herself, biting back the tears forming in her eyes, she managed to mumbled; "which truth, Mulder?"

His intense stare was impossible to ignore, against her will she lifted her head slowly, to meet his warm eyes. They never lied and, now, they blinded her with a flame of honesty and vulnerability, she witnessed for the first time. It took her breath away.

"That I want you more than anything in this world, I've try to deny it but how do you think, it made me feel, when I saw him leaning in on you. One thing was that you were about to kiss another man… but that you couldn't tell he wasn't me." He stopped.

Absentmindedly, she took his hand in hers, "I'm sorry, Mulder. I hoped he was you. It hasn't been easy for me either, you know."

"It looked that way" he pouted.

"Did it? I thought you were playing with me, Mulder"

"Why would I do that, Scully?" His eyes clouded with confusion.

"I don't know, Mulder, maybe you moved on. Maybe I was a little distraction for a brief time, strange things happen. I had been abducted, you thought I was dead." She searched for explanations.

"I wasn't distracted, and what about after that, do you have an explanation for that, too?"

"We had just discovered I was sick." It sounded lame even in her ears, it had sounded more convincing in her mind.

"Oh, I'm taking advances of sick and vulnerable women. Thanks a lot!" He stared angrily at her.

"No! I didn't say that." She refused to let go of his hand when he tried to withdraw it. "I…I…I needed to find an explanation, I guess." Now, she eyes were swimming in tears and it was impossible to hide them.

"Scully, I can't stop thinking about you. I felt so betrayed, when I saw you with Eddie Van Blundth. You don't want the real me but you wanted him."

"Oh, Mulder! Don't think that, it wasn't because I don't want you. I wanted to believe you wanted me" She answered with a trembling voice, it was all too much. It was good they were almost alone in the coffee bar, this was harder than expected. They were both hurt. For so long she had thought, she was the only one bleeding.

"You did?"

"Yes, I did." She locked eyes with him; suddenly the world was getting all right again.

"Good. So your tattoo guy and Eddie Van Blundth don't mean anything to you."

"Of course not! I was trying to get my life back on track again. Thinking it would be without you as more than a work partner." Pausing, she hesitated; it was difficult to be painfully honest, to be exposed to hurt.

"Mulder, I was trying desperately to get over you, to convince myself I could shut off my feelings for you, that I could have a life without you. It never worked! I kept coming back to you, but only to learn there was no chance of getting into your heart. I acted from my pain not my heart. I don't ask you to understand"

Her heart was in her eyes, she couldn't lie anymore; it was too hard to fight her heart and feelings.

He reached for her other hand; gladly she gave it to him.

"Scully, I can't do this anymore. Can we go somewhere private and honestly talk, please?"

Closing her eyes briefly, she exhaled," sure, we're not far from my place." Unsure of the wise in being alone with Mulder, she narrowed her eyes and studied their entwined hands.

"Scully, please" he pleaded.

"Come" she quietly said. Withdrawing her hands she got up, without looking at him, she headed for the door. Her head spinning from trying to analyze the situation; was she more than a partner to him? Had he meant what they had shared for shorter periods of time or was he just acting on simple territorial instincts? Honestly, did she want to know his true feelings or was it better to stay in the denial? Perhaps she could discharge what she had just told him, dismiss it as a vague explanation, pointing out she had been affected from the bottle of wine she had drunk that night.

Flashback to be continued