Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
A Saiyan's memory was never the most important feature of their being. As long as you could fight, that was all you needed. Memories, nostalgia… it was all pointless.
I can't even remember the look of my own planet, the face of my own mother…
Yet… I can't erase your face from my memory, no matter how hard I try. Not even the pain of training, pushing myself to the edges of destruction, can make me forget how soft you felt in a world where everything was hard, and cruel.
Bulma…
I detested saying your name, but you never knew. Calling you by your name meant recognizing you as another living being, it was easier to think of you like I did everyone else; just another enemy, another nameless soul to exploit and destroy when the time was right.
You thought I enjoyed taunting you, calling you 'woman'. I still remember when I referred to you as a servant. Never had someone so blatantly opposed me.
I found it annoying, and disrespectful. Even infuriating at times. But also… amusing. It was different.
At first I hated it, and you. You held no deference for my title, my heritage. You called me 'monkey-prince' and I would find it… endearing. The way you planted your fists on full hips and pouted at me, just daring me to push you a little further… your spirit was like none I'd ever seen before. You were like me, reveling in the pain and the rage, just to block out… other emotions.
That's not to say that your presence was ever welcome in my life, nor your favors. I owe you nothing for what you so selflessly, and foolishly, gave away. I didn't ask to find myself on Earth, in your home, in your bed.
It came as a surprise to me, as much as it did to you, that we became… lovers. Our arguments become so heated, your attitude towards me relaxed as you realized I wouldn't raise a hand against you. The whole situation left me bewildered as it spun out of my control…
Why was that?
Self-control, discipline, they are my strongest traits. I've killed innocents before. Slaughtered men, women and children without mercy. Without a conscience. You were just one loud-mouthed little earth girl… but you made me feel…
You made me feel.
It's been so long since anything but pain and rage filled my soul. The nights I spent with you grew longer each time, I stayed with you more often, I held you and watched you as you slept. And I felt again.
What began as passion, turned into something… something unnamable. Something unknowable. For me at least.
Passion is a word that can describe all number of things. My training was my passion. It was never about the kill, it was always about the power. How much power I had, how much I could have…
During the day, we fought endlessly. It wasn't until that first night, and that first kiss, that I understood the fire I saw in you each and every day. I realized where it came from, and also, that it was in me too.
I have never run from anything in my life. And I did not run from you.
I'm running towards something.
For the first time in my life, I've realized what it means to leave a mark on the world. And I've done so, with my son.
I've never held him in my own arms, and I doubt I ever will. The things I touch tend to crumble beneath my fingertips. I could never fathom how someone like you could lay beneath me and let me touch you, with no fear or disgust in your eyes at all…
I'm no longer fit to lay claim to something so… innocent. But I understand now. I understand Kakarot's power has nothing to do with him being better then me. I understand that I have to let go of old emotions, and make room for new ones.
It's time I found myself a place in this world, and I don't know when, or where, or even how it will happen.
But I think… I'm ready to find out. To discover just what I am truly capable of...
Notes: If you think Vegeta sounds OOC… well, maybe he is slightly. But in my opinion, the Android Saga was a pivotal moment in Vegeta's character development, so I'm pushing the limits on what I can do with him. There's a deeper side to Vegeta then just 'eat, train, kill Kakarot'.
There will be more from Vegeta and Bulma, building on these 'letters' (which in my mind are more like… inner musings… can you see Vegeta sat with a diary in his little spaceship!? XD)
Next Up: Future Trunks…
Disclaimer: All rights to DragonballZ and its characters belong to their respective owners, as do the song lyrics (In The Deep)