Rimmer and Lister glared at each other from opposite ends of the table, which stood for a breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, and poker table. At that precise time of day, it was a breakfast table.
Cat was getting more and more riled, and made a comment, but being as his fangs were wedged into a slice of toast it was unintelligible.
Lister made another angry face at Rimmer, grabbed the salt and pepper, and shook them into his mutton vindaloo. He accidentally elbowed his lager, which toppled over and sloshed onto the table.
"Hey," Cat said, frowning, "Do you mind Monkey? I'm wearing velvet over here!"
"Gimme a break Cat!" Lister snapped, standing it back up.
Kryten dived in between them and mopped it up, "Honestly," he muttered, "If I was given a nickel for every spill I had to clean up I'd be moneyed up to the nines by now…"
"You're a sanitation droid, you goit of a golf ball head," Rimmer remarked, "That's what you're supposed to do,"
"Forgive me, but I don't remember asking for your opinion you smee heeeeee!" Kryten made a face.
"Hello?" Holly shouted, angrily, over the bickering, "Can anyone hear me? You all forget about poor old Holly who's trying to focus on guiding the ship through all sorts of smeg when you're having your differences of opinion don't you! Hello?
"If you guys don't shut up, you're toast!" Cat hissed.
"Toast?" Talkie Toaster piped up, as he had been doing since they had come down to breakfast, "Someone want toast?"
"NO!" They all said together.
"Okay!" The toaster retorted defensively, "I was just asking. Sheesh!"
"Sirs! Sirs!" Kryten fussed, waving his hands "What we need to do is take a deep breath in…"
They all did so.
"And out…"
As Lister breathed out, Rimmer jerked away from him and flared his nostrils angrily. Lister made a face.
"Right," Kryten said, "Are we calm?"
The Cat gave him a sceptical look, "If you call a raging male lion trapped in a tiny little cage calm then I'm great…"
"If you call a Kiniterwowe with its fur trapped in a vice calm, then yeah, I'm calm an' all," Lister glared.
Rimmer looked skyward and breathed out exasperatedly. It was ludicrous, they may as well have been having breakfast smack bang in the middle of a firing line.
At that moment, the ship lurched forcefully to the right, flinging Rimmer and Lister into the wall. As it jerked the other way, they bowled into the Cat and Kryten, sending them all crashing into a heap.
"Emergency, emergency," Holly announced, over a blearing siren "Get the red alert bulb out. Big explosion in the engine room,"
They staggered into the cockpit, and plunged into their seats.
"What on Io caused an explosion in the engine room?" Rimmer exclaimed.
"I think I can vouch for that one Sir," Kryten explained, grimacing guiltily, "I left that tracker we found in there for safe keeping. I'm so sorry-"
"At the moment Dopey Droid, there's no time for apologies; Starbug's doing the equivalent of an Irish jig!" Rimmer yelled.
"We've got to try and land!" Kryten instructed.
"Yeah, there's no point even attempting to fix the engines while we're boogieing in mid air!" Cat agreed, wrestling with the controls, "But I gotta hand it to her, this thing does some pretty jazzy moves!"
"There's a planet not too far from here," Rimmer said, trying to read his screen and hold onto his seat, "Only about twenty clicks away by the looks of it!"
"A superlative suggestion Sir!" Kryten said, "The scan reports severe climate, but it's our only chance, we'll have to take her down!"
"We're heading for it dudes," Holly said, "'Ang about, brace yourselves!"
Lister clung onto his head rest and Rimmer put his hands over his ears and shut his eyes tight as Starbug hurtled down through the sky and crash landed into snow several feet deep, sending it spraying out in all directions, and the Starbug satellite hurtling through the freezing air.
"Well," Holly said, "You've gotta laugh,"