Part Three
The gods were laughing at her. She fucking knew it. Fate, destiny, kismet… something up there was having a gay old time laughing its fucking balls off.
She'd already had to put up with Fin's shit all day regarding her good mood, unable to explain that she was simply looking forward to her plans with Elliot. She felt no need to keep her partner of ten months in the loop regarding the fact that it was Elliot's birthday and he'd actually wanted to spend it with her. She was still waiting for the man to realize he was fucking beautiful and start chasing skirts who had far more time to spend with him.
So Fin had prodded her incessantly all day, which they happened to be spending in a cramped sub-compact on a stakeout, asking her about her Mystery Man. The fact that Elliot had actually called during the afternoon, in such a good fucking mood that he'd managed to make her laugh and blush repeatedly, did nothing to stop Fin's teasing.
And although Fin seemed very much of the opinion that her Mystery Man was a romantic sort of attachment, the jury was still out as far as Olivia was concerned. Yes, he'd retired ten months earlier. Yes, he'd kept his promise that he wasn't going to disappear on her. Yes, he'd thoroughly inspected her dental hygiene on two or three occasions. But that was all. There was never anything more. They'd managed to see each other every few weeks, but it was rarely anything more than a quick dinner at one of their apartments. They'd made it to an actual restaurant once, but her power had gone out during a storm and so it seemed easier than trying to eat Chinese in pitch darkness.
Despite his infrequent check of her tonsils, Olivia wasn't going to say they were dating. Because it didn't seem like they were. Because every man she'd ever dated had tried for far more than a good night kiss sometimes, especially after ten months. Deep down, she suspected she was convenient when he was lonely, because he knew she didn't have much of a life outside of work and therefore would never turn him down if he happened to call.
Luckily, that was the part of her mind that she shoved away and rarely listened to. Even if it was just whenever he happened to call, it was, hands down, the most important relationship in her life. The most important relationship she'd ever had. She was just happy that he was there, still calling, still wanting anything to do with her. And she'd actually bought him a present, one that was gift-wrapped and everything, just waiting for her to give it to him.
Unfortunately, the dumbass second shift didn't show up and by the time they'd been tracked down, parked sixteen blocks away from where they were supposed to be, Olivia had already had to call to tell him she'd be late. It was something she expected he was used to, so she wasn't prepared for the sound of his voice, utterly disappointed, yet hopeful that she was going to show eventually.
By the time she'd assured him that she would be there, Fin was spinning the car back around, practically screaming into the radio that they were in pursuit and Olivia was apologizing yet again. The son of a bitch rapist had to choose right then, when they were too close to ignore the call, to run. The road chase hadn't lasted long, they never did as New York City traffic tended to get in the way, but the foot pursuit, well, that was a different story altogether. The fucker had led them around half of Manhattan before she and Fin finally cornered him on the roof of a building. He'd had the idea to jump then, thinking that the suicide attempt might outweigh a series of raped and mutilated women.
It took nearly six hours to complete the paperwork and get a lecture from Cragen as to how the hell they'd let the guy get so damn far in the first place. So when she was on her way out, she paused at the door to check her watch.
Well after midnight. She'd fucking missed his birthday. For some reason, despite that they'd never celebrated each other's birthdays, despite that they'd never celebrated any kind of holidays at all, despite that they'd never appeared to have the sort of relationship where holidays and birthdays were a big fucking deal, she wanted to cry.
Maybe she'd let him down.
Maybe he wouldn't give her another chance.
And so nearly an hour later, she was pounding on his door, knowing he would be sound asleep and pissed as hell and probably not in the mood to look at her anyway. Finally, the door opened a bit, a blinking, irritated Elliot appearing through the crack.
"You've got the wrong apartment." The door was nearly shut again before he finally realized that she was exactly where she'd intended to be. A smile spread across his face as he pulled the door open fully for her. "Hey."
She was surprised he wasn't pissed off and decided she ought to apologize, just in case he was mad and was simply waiting until she was inside the door to yell at her. "Look, El, I'm so sorry. I can't even get into the hell that was my day. But I'm really so-"
His mouth suddenly and effectively cut off any further attempts to apologize. Of course, she was still tempted to beg for mercy, if only because she couldn't breathe and he was squeezing her so damn tight that it actually hurt. But just when she realized she didn't actually want mercy, he backed up, leaving a cold void against hers where his body had been.
He smiled as he closed the door behind her. "I'm glad you made it. I kind of figured you weren't coming."
Setting the bag she'd brought on the table, she reached inside and pulled out a smaller brown paper bag from inside. "I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten."
He looked curious and amused, a combination she didn't often see on the man's handsome face. He reached into the bag, pulling out what she'd managed to find on the way home. Confusion took over as he stared at her. "What the hell?"
She shrugged at the stale, rock-hard glazed donut in his hand. "I was going to get you a cake. I even planned on coconut, cause I know you like it, but-"
He set the donut down on the plate she handed him. "I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but, uh, I'd have to say I would have preferred the coconut cake."
With a laugh and a jab at his side, she rolled her eyes. "By the time I got to the bakery, buster, you're lucky it wasn't a week-old low-fat bran muffin."
"Thank god for small favors, I guess."
Olivia took off her coat, hanging it over the back of one of the chairs. The donut was just an attempt to be thoughtful, and honestly purchased out of desperation after she'd flashed her badge at the bakery owner in order to get him to let her in after hours in the first place. She really had wanted to bring him a cake, and had an actual present for him anyway, but she still felt bad for not coming through on his birthday.
But before she could bother apologizing again, he'd tugged on her arm, pulling her back into his embrace, hugging her for all he was worth. "Thank you, Liv. I mean it. Birthdays suck once you're twelve, but you managed to make this one better."
She was laughing, pulling back to joke with him. "It's after midnight."
He grinned, pulling her closer once again. "Still counts."
And then he was kissing her again, his mouth more demanding than it had been, her mouth perfectly willing to give him anything he wanted.
And unlike the other kisses they'd shared, neither one of them was on the way out the door.
And so, unlike the other kisses they'd shared, it started to progress. First his hands found the hem of her shirt, snaking underneath to press against her back. Then her leg lifted, wrapping around his, pulling his hips closer to hers. His mouth was on her neck, kissing, licking, nipping. She couldn't even think, simply let her body sag against his.
It was when she felt his arousal that she realized she'd better stop him. She had a present for him, a real one, and she wanted him to open it. She didn't want to think she'd shown up with a stale donut and thought that was a valid way to celebrate his birthday. She'd promised she would celebrate it with him, and the man was all about promises, she'd learned.
She pulled back, reluctantly stopping what had finally seemed inevitable. But she remembered how disappointed he'd sounded on the phone and she feared he might just be feeling lonely, which was exactly not how she wanted their relationship to move forward, if it was going to.
After letting him steal one last kiss, she leaned back, out of reach. "Come on, you didn't get your present yet."
He laughed, trying to pull her back. "I thought I was just about to open it."
She scoffed, slugging him playfully across the chest before reaching into the bag for two more items. The first was a candle which she stabbed into the donut. While he laughed, she used the second, a lighter, to set it flaming. Then she presented him with his birthday donut, another step further from being edible with the addition of wax slowly melting into.
He moved to blow it out, but she stopped him. "You have to make a wish first." She watched his eyes turn from the candle to her, slowly moving up and down her body.
And then he met her eyes, a sexy smile forming on his lips. "I think it already came true."
With a blush burning red on her cheeks, she turned back to the bag, withdrawing the one remaining item. She offered it to him, reveling in the surprise and excitement in his eyes as he realized from the expensive wrapping that she had actually done some planning that didn't involve a late night hysterical dash on the way home from work. He took the time to blow out the candle before reaching for her hand, leading her into the living room.
She couldn't remember a time when she'd seen him so happy from something as little as a birthday gift. And while the gift itself wasn't little - no, she'd spent far too much on it but figured he deserved it and would never actually know how much it cost - it was the idea. She knew, even if she'd bought him a pack of gum, he'd cherish it, because it had been years since someone had showed him that they'd really thought of him. And she didn't care so much about going overboard, she figured it would make up for so many years of not getting him anything when it would have meant the world to him.
He took his time with the wrapping, carefully loosening the ribbon, picking off the tape. It seemed to take hours before he finally shed the wrapping and sat before her holding the box. He looked like a little boy on Christmas, a thought which made her nervous wondering how she was going to find another gift.
"Jesus, Olivia," his voice was awed when he spoke. "How much did this cost?"
"That's just rude to ask." She wasn't about to tell him. Besides, she had the money. She wasn't rich, but she wasn't supporting five kids and still siphoning off money to a needy ex-spouse whenever possible. She had a few extra dollars to spend on the man who meant everything to her. "Do you like it?"
He pulled the watch from the case, the silver shining in the light. "Wow. This is nice." He slid it right on his wrist, holding it out for her to admire. "What do you think?" But he wasn't even looking at her, he was staring at the watch, his voice, his face, choked with emotion. "I've never had anything this nice before."
It killed her to hear him say that, though she knew that it was true. She remembered the dark stain that had remained on his finger for months after he'd finally removed his wedding band, which revealed that he hadn't even been able to afford gold for something that he'd wind up wearing for twenty-five years.
She reached for the box, pulling apart the bottom. "There's a cloth in here to polish it if you need to." She couldn't address the fact that he'd never owned something so nice, so indulgent, so selfish. She couldn't accept the fact that the man who put everyone else first had to wait so long to have something for himself simply because no one had ever put him first.
And then he was carefully removing it, replacing it in the box. She panicked, thinking he wasn't going to accept it. She grabbed at his hands, trying to make up something feasible to make him keep it. "I bought it from a vendor, so you can't take it back."
He chuckled, knowing immediately that she was lying. "You did no such thing. Seriously, Liv, if I need to insure that thing, I can't accept it."
"I stole it from the evidence room. If you give it back, I'll go to jail."
He laughed again, staring at the closed box. "Olivia-"
"Please?" Her voice broke and she felt tears coming to her eyes. "Don't give it back. I want you to have it."
He nodded slowly, reaching one arm out to curl around her shoulders. "I love it." He kissed her cheek. "Does this mean I have to sell my car to buy you a birthday gift?"
She was grateful to him for lightening the moment, needing a chance to get her emotions under control. "Nah, this is a pretty big birthday. You deserve something special."
"So I have to sell my car to buy you a gift for your fiftieth?"
She laughed right out loud, still seeing him the way he had been at thirty-five, the day they'd met, all cocky and arrogant, so fucking gorgeous it hurt to look at him. "El, how old was I when we met?"
His eyes narrowed and she watched as he tried to do the math. "Well, you claimed to be twenty-nine, but I know what year you were born, so-"
"Ok, so I was twenty-nine when we met." She grinned at his suspicious face. "And how old did I turn on my birthday two weeks after we met?"
He started to laugh. "Uh, twenty-nine?"
"Right. And how old have I turned on every birthday since?"
He took a deep breath and sighed. "To my knowledge, I'd have to swear you flat refuse to acknowledge that any birthdays have happened since."
Leaning her head against his shoulder, she closed her eyes. "So, since I'll never be as old as you, it appears your car is safe." She tilted her face up to glance at him, not at all surprised when his mouth brushed against hers. Her body, despite the emotional roller coaster it had just been on, immediately remembered where they'd been earlier and was perfectly happy to return there.
But that time, it was Elliot who pulled away. His hand tightened around her shoulder, squeezing her against his side. "There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about. I've kind of hinted at it in the past, but now I think we really should talk about it."
Her heart stopped. She was sure of it.
He'd mentioned it a few times. At first, it had seemed to be just in passing. But then, it had come up with more and more regularity. To be honest, she hadn't been shocked. She'd never believed it was going to retire in the first place, so it wasn't much of a stretch to hear him talking about how he was toying with the idea of going back to work. It hadn't been that long, she knew, he could easily get reinstated.
As many times as she'd deluded herself that she didn't think they were dating, that his kisses meant nothing, that their relationship was platonic and nothing more, she realized it was all bullshit. She loved him. Pure and simple. Had for a long time. And while she'd known for quite some time, he'd never before allowed her to pretend that he loved her too. She loved the time they spent together, she loved that he let her snuggle against him, she loved that every once in a while he would kiss her within an inch of her life and let her think he wanted more.
And there they were, sitting together as friends, with him about to break her heart once again by announcing he was coming back to work with her.
It was like the damn crib all over again.
She'd swear he'd used the same fucking knife to stick in her back.
Except that time, she knew, it had pierced her heart. It was definitely a fatal strike.
Her mind flashed to the engraving on the back of the watch, the one she hadn't pointed out, the one she hadn't been sure she wanted him to know about, the one that she hadn't meant, not even a little bit, to be a foreshadowing. If he ever were to notice the words "Always my partner," he'd probably have a good laugh that she was a psychic.
Except that she hadn't meant that at all. It was just that, in her mind at least, the words partner and love were interchangeable.
Keeping herself from trembling was taking all of her strength, and so she sat there in silence.
"See, I've already made up my mind about what I want, but it's really not just about me." His hand shifted on her shoulder and she feared he might have noticed her unease, but he continued without mentioning it. "I really want to know what you think, what you want. You know, sometimes when I'm walking down the street, I'll think of something I want to tell you and I'll turn to say it and you're not there. It just never seems to sink in that you're not with me twenty-four seven, no matter how long it's been."
She bit her lip, wanting to confess that she missed him like that too, but knowing her sobbing, heartbroken voice would give away how foolish she'd been and if she was going to have to face him everyday at work, she needed to be able to hold her head up and look him in the eye. And she'd only be able to do that if he had no idea he'd broken her heart.
"You keep making time for me and putting up with me, so I figure-" He stopped talking and she felt him shift to look at her. "Are you ok?"
All the strength in the world wasn't enough to keep her from shaking when he called her out on her feelings. But pride demanded that she fake it for as long as she could. "Cold." The fewer words, the less likely he would notice the quiver in her voice that temperature wouldn't explain.
He rubbed her shoulder, trying to warm her up. "I guess, you miss me like I miss you." He let out a sigh. "Or maybe not. I could be misinterpreting everything. I mean, I know what I want, but I can't read your mind, so I guess I'm asking what you want."
She stared at the rectangular gray velvet box that held the watch, wishing, although it had seemed to mean so much to him, that she hadn't bought it. It was a ridiculous gift for a friend. It was a preposterous gift for a coworker. The guys would get a big laugh out of that when they found out who'd bought it. Because even if Elliot somehow had managed to misunderstand how she felt about him, no one else who saw that damned watch would. And likely, the next woman he fucked would be more than happy to enlighten him.
"Liv?"
She looked up, baffled for a moment, unsure why he was looking at her. "Huh?"
"Have you been listening to me?" His eyes were dark, clouded, and she knew he was angry.
Without a thought, she swallowed her hurt feelings and tried to avoid a fight. She absolutely didn't have the energy for a fight. "Yeah, I have. I think you should do what you want. My opinion really shouldn't affect your decision."
His eyes widened a bit, surprise moving in. "It's up to me?"
She nodded. "Yes." Technically, she should be flattered that he was running it by her at all. She was just a friend, after all, and therefore her opinion didn't count for much in a career decision.
He nodded, a smile starting to curve his lips. "That's-" He shook his head, running his hand along the side of her face gently. "That's one hell of a birthday present and it sure as shit leaves that pretty little watch there in the dust."
That hurt. And she couldn't hide it. Her mouth opened and words came out, lashing out at the man who'd not only hurt her so terribly, but had the balls to mock her present as well. "You son of a bitch! That piece of shit there cost a couple thousand dollars, a couple thousand dollars I'll happily take back."
The color drained out of his face immediately. "Jesus Christ, Liv, I thought it was too much at a couple hundred."
She wanted to smack him across the face. She wanted to stick that watch somewhere the sun wouldn't shine too. "Fuck you!"
She snagged the box and headed for the dining room to collect her purse. Then she was going to run far, far away so she wouldn't ever have to face the bastard again, especially not when he reported for duty at the precinct.
But he grabbed her arm, his strong hand closing like a vise. "I'm sorry. I just – fuck, Liv, I don't even know why you're mad. I didn't mean to upset you. It's ok if you want things to stay the way they are." He moved around in front of her, shocked to see the tears streaming down her face. His hand came up to wipe them away. "The watch is beautiful, Liv, and I love that you bought it for me, but it's too much. Let's just leave things the way they are, the way we're able to get along, and I promise you I won't ever bring it up again."
She wanted to lean forward, wrap herself in his arms, accept what he was offering. But she couldn't. She couldn't do that to him, couldn't keep him from the job he loved just because she wanted something else. She shook her head, backing up, pulling herself from his grasp. "No, it's fine. Really. I can't believe it's taken you this long anyway."
He stared at her, his eyes searching hers, his voice uncertain. "Really?" He mirrored her nod. "I guess I am kind of retarded about these things."
She tried to smile, knowing it must have looked positively maniacal. "Apparently you are." She watched as he shook his head, his eyes finally moving away from hers, giving her the option of a lie. "I'm happy for you, El. It's about time." She told herself it would be nice to see him on a daily basis, although she would have to remember not to hug him at every opportunity any longer.
"I guess it is about time, huh?" His face stained several shades of crimson, giving Olivia the insight that he was clearly embarrassed, but not giving any indication why. Finally he shrugged strangely at her. "But shouldn't you be happy for both of us?"
For a moment, she feared she'd missed the point entirely. Maybe he'd been telling her he'd met someone, someone special, someone who didn't want her pathetic ass around any longer.
But then she realized she was the someone, his partner. The someone who should have been happy to have her partner coming back to her. She plastered a smile on her face and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. I am."
He nodded, his brow furrowing. "Uh huh, sure you are." He stepped forward, letting his hands find her waist. "I'm going back to the 'Have you been listening to me' question I asked before, cause it's really not clear that we're on the same page here."
She took a breath and told herself to stop reveling in the feel of his hands on her because he was only doing it for emphasis, not because he desperately wanted to touch her. Swallowing hard, she nodded. "I have been listening to you. I told you what I thought. It's great. It's not up to me, but it's great. So I'm glad you're happy." She paused, trying to remember what was missing from her bullshit. "And I'm happy too."
"Ok, if you're sure."
She barely had time to hear the words before his hands moved, abandoning her waist for her back, pulling her forward against him. She wanted to sigh and forget she was mad. She wanted to kiss him and forget he was trying to kill her. She wanted to stop thinking and enjoy one last moment of intimacy.
But her professionalism won out and she shoved him back. "Under the circumstances, I think that might be a bad idea."
"Why?" He was letting her pull back, but not away. His arms were still fastened around her waist. "You said you were ok with it."
"I just think if we're going to be working together again, then we need to reestablish some parameters here."
"When are we going to be working together again?"
"I don't know. I imagine that's up to you too."
He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers. "Olivia, when did I start talking about work?"
She sucked in a breath, forgetting until it was too late that it would smell of Elliot and make her weak in the knees. Still, she tried to keep focused. "When did you stop?"
He laughed, pulling her closer, into a tight hug, his chest rumbling against hers. "Oh, honey, I was never talking about work."
Despite the wondrous temptation to stay there in his bear hug, Olivia pulled back to look at him. "What were you talking about?"
He laughed again, shaking his head at her. "No wonder you weren't making any sense, fuck, I thought I was losing my mind."
"No, apparently it's me." She wanted to share his relief, join his good mood, but she was still waiting to die from the knife wound. "El, what?"
He released her waist, his hands moving up to cup her cheeks. "I was talking about us. About there being an us." He tucked her hair back behind her ears. "And judging from how you reacted, I'm guessing you really don't want to be my partner. So, you either really fucking hate me-"
Us. An us. The words echoed in her head, slowly tumbling into place. "Oh." She shook her head, trying to get the rest of her thoughts back in order. "Oh."
"Yeah." He smiled, his hands drifting down over her back, settling at her waist again. "So it's not entirely up to me, right?"
She giggled, partly from the stress, partly from understanding how ridiculous her words must have seemed. "Well, no, I guess not."
"You know my vote."
"And you obviously know mine." She felt so stupid for having freaked out on him, but she couldn't dwell on it, not with the way he was raining kisses on her face.
"I do?"
She laughed, tilting her chin up to catch his lips. "I so don't hate you."
He laughed too, stepping backwards and pulling her with him toward the bedroom. "So can I have my present now?"
She stretched her arms around his neck, making sure he was balanced before she followed suit with her legs around his waist. "I only wish I'd known how cheap it was to make you happy, I could have saved a lot of money."
His mouth moved along her neck, stealing kisses when he could, until he banged into a wall and had to stop. Then he redirected his feet toward his bed. "You can take the watch back, I have what I want."
She was going to point out that the inscription made it non-refundable, but she feared it would distract him. And, since he was laying her on the bed, she didn't want to do that.
She decided she'd tell him in the morning.