I don't own Bleach. I don't own the song, "Just a Dream."
Title: Just a Dream
Rating: T (implied death)
Description: She couldn't believe it was real. It couldn't be … it couldn't be. There was no way that he was dead … or that he could have died. It was like a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.
A/N: Hello everyone and here's yet another oneshot for this series and probably the only one that is not an AU. The song is "Just a Dream" by Carrie Underwood, by the way. I wasn't actually going to write this for a long while, but, I thought it was right for the occasion. It is a very sad time for one of my fellow author and awesome reviewer, ShinigamiFangirl; a friend of her father's, who is like a family member to her, has just recently passed away.
I want to dedicate this oneshot to her because, through difficult times there is always someone there for you, no matter whom he or she may be. Enjoy.
I think I was in a stage of denial. I wasn't exactly sure … I mean, I must be. I was here, at a funeral, for my best friend, and I didn't even feel sad. I wasn't even crying. My eyes were dry, my face was unemotional, and my clothes were perfect, just like they usually were. Everything seemed to be normal.
Everything was normal … except he was not longer here.
He would never be here. He would never show me his smirks, grins of triumph, or rare smiles. Never again would I see him protect another soul. Never again would he play ball with his friends, or beat them up if the situation called. Never again would he look back at me and tell me everything would be alright.
Never again would I hear him talk, yell, or cry to me. Never again would I hear his voice. Never again … never again … it just didn't seem real.
People were touching my back, leading me to the front of a human church. There was a polished coffin atop a small stage. Flowers of all different colors framed the bed of death, making the horrific tragedy somehow beautiful.
There were pictures of him placed along a table on the wall to my right. They started off as him as a baby that changed slowly from a child to him in his recent years … his last years. There weren't any pictures past his eighteenth year; he had never had a chance to take any.
The last picture there was of him was his school picture. He was smirking, like he always was; he looked content, loving, strong.
He should not have died.
I had somehow made it over to the table full of memories and stared at each one of them briefly, reality finally kicking in. Somehow, the last two weeks had been nothing to me. It didn't seem like anything had changed nor had it seemed like we had defeated the Arrancar.
Everything was perfect in Soul Society and yet nothing was the same. After all, we were at peace, something Soul Society had been deprived of in most years. The only thing we were missing were thousands of shinigami, dead from their wounds. Most of all, we had lost our hero, our savior.
Bowing my head, I closed my eyes and tried to block out the last picture he would ever take in his life. I blocked out the whispering of people as they looked over my shoulder and moved on … as if that was easy. I tried to block out the whimpering of some, the bitter chuckles of others as old stories were told.
I wanted to block out the screams of terror I had felt as he fell during battle. I wanted to block out the blood, the wounds. I wanted to block out everything that had ever hurt me.
Too bad such a power did not exist.
Someone touched me lightly on the shoulder. I flinched away violently out of pure reaction rather than disgust. I looked up to see who it was and found that it was none other than my nii-sama, Kuchiki Byakuya — also captain of the sixth squad — staring down at me, his eyes solemn.
Even he, the man who hated Ichigo like no other, looked guilty and even responsible for his death. Not like he had to; after all, he had been nearly two-hundred miles away fighting another part of the war when he was killed.
One part of me longed for that looked of grief and responsibility to subside. Another part though wanted him along with everyone else in Soul Society to suffer. I wanted them to know what guilt felt like. If it wasn't for them … then he would still be alive.
Of course I was just telling myself that. It really wasn't anyone's fault he died. In all reality, it was mine. If I had given an excuse not to go on that mission or if I went somewhere else that night, he would still be okay. If I had just let him die that night so long ago, then he could have at least gone to Soul Society. If had never gone back to the human world after he saved me, he would have been fine.
If it wasn't for me … he would still be alive.
"Rukia," Nii-sama whispered. He rested a hand on my mid-back and led me to the front row of pews that looked up to the stage. "Come on. The service is about to begin."
Even with everything that had happened, Byakuya had still managed to keep his cool, I realized. Even after we had won the war, lost our greatest hero, he was able to keep his calm, emotionless façade perfectly intact. It didn't seem fair that he could do that.
I bet he wouldn't cry if he lost all of his division to the war.
I bet he didn't cry when he lost my sister.
We were sitting now. I was hunched over, my hands wriggling with each other. I glanced up at Nii-sama whom still had his palm resting on my back. He was staring straight ahead, cold drenching his features.
I sniffled but I wasn't sure why; I mean, I wasn't crying … why did it feel like I had been? Why did it feel like I would be for the rest of my life?
"H-how do you do it?" my voice cracked and I mentally cursed myself. I wasn't supposed to break down in front of Nii-sama. I was supposed to uphold the family's honor by keeping myself composed. Why did I feel like I would never be able to do that again?
Is this what denial was supposed to feel like? Was I supposed to feel nothing but everything? Was I supposed to be in so much pain but reliving every happy memory I could remember? Was I supposed to feel like this nightmare would ever end? Was I supposed to feel like this dream — this horrible, terrifying dream — was not even real?
"Do what, Rukia?"
I looked away and my breath hitched. I didn't really know what to say. I hadn't realized I had spoken one of my questions aloud. I swallowed.
"How are you so emotionless all the time?" I couldn't help but ask the question as bluntly as it was in my head. At the moment, I couldn't think things through. I could hardly accept he was dead let alone put words together and say them so they were polite.
To my surprise, Nii-sama cracked a brief smile. "Practice," he replied simply.
I puked out words again; surely he was going to think that I was having some sort of mental breakdown. "Haven't you ever felt like you can't go on but it seems like nothing's changed? It's just like every other day, it's normal … but you know it isn't?"
He removed his hand from my back and placed it in his lap. Clenching his fists he answered, "Yes, I've felt such an emotion."
"But how? How can you, the untouchable Kuchiki Byakuya, be able to know exactly how I feel right now? I don't think anyone understands what's happening to me. I d-don't know … I don't understand."
"Rukia," he cut me off. "Let me tell you a story."
And suddenly, everything disappeared around me. I couldn't hear the cries of his little sisters or the poor jokes his father tried to tell. I couldn't hear anything or see anything except my brother.
It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen
All dressed in white
Going to the church that night
"When I was younger, I was not exactly … emotionless as you may think," he explained. I blushed from embarrassment and guilt. I couldn't believe I had said that to my brother. I was such an idiot.
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat
Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue
"I was actually much like Hitsugaya-taichō, with his short temper and stubbornness."
I snorted. I mean, I was already on the edge of hysteria but Nii-sama saying something like that? I didn't seem real. If only that Strawberry was here … he'd give him hell.
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down
Trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn't believe it
I gasped. Strawberry … I can't believe – why did I have to say that? My lip trembled as Nii-sama continued on with his story, completely oblivious to my internal breakdown.
"When I went to school at the Shinigami Academy, I kept up my reputation. I would get mad at the silliest things and hurt anyone who decided to get in my way. It was only after my parents died that I realized what an idiot I had been and packed away my emotions forever."
She heard trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hand
I looked up to him; his face was hard, unreadable. He was clenching his jaw so hard that I thought it would break, if it wasn't Nii-sama performing the action. "What happened next?" I asked, eager for a distraction now as someone was about ready to speak on behalf of him.
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
He chuckled lightly. I was completely shocked. My older brother had never once chuckled. He had barely even smirked let alone laughed of any sort.
"I met your sister." A ghost of a smile appeared on his face then and his eyes were suddenly not focusing on the church wall in front of him where his eyes had been fixated on a large, wooden cross. Now, they looked very distant, as if he was remembering her … my sister, Hisana.
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
"She was different from any of the women I had met," he went on, his eyes still distant. "She was strong, proud and nowhere near interested in a noble like me."
I gasped. I never knew my sister hadn't wanted Nii-sama in the beginning. Usually, if a girl was lucky enough to even see a noble — let alone marry one! — they would be kissing his feet with gratitude.
I smiled through my pain. My sister seemed so strong.
And she gone … just like he was.
This is just a dream
"After she died, the last bit of my rebellious, short-tempered personality finally faded." Nii-sama's eyes returned back to that cross hanging above the coffin.
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt
He fell silent. I didn't know how to respond.
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, and what could have been
Finally, after glancing up at the stage to the coffin holding his body, I turned to Nii-sama and asked, "Why did you tell me this?"
He looked over to me, some of the impassive face gone, replaced with one of grief and loss. It was for my sister, I knew and for … him. It was for all he lost in the war. It was me. I could see it in his eyes. He felt pain … for me.
And then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart
"Because my life has been a mistake," he replied quietly. My eyes locked with his for just a moment before he turned away, back to the cross again.
"What do you mean?" I asked carefully.
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
"I let my life slip through the cracks," he explained, his voice calm, sincere. "I had potential to do whatever I wanted in my life. And when I lost the people that meant the most to me, I changed.
"I couldn't open up. I lost all of my feelings. I couldn't cry. And I didn't try."
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
He paused, swallowing I noticed. "When I met Hisana, I felt as if something was finally put back in place. When I lost her … I gave up at my pathetic social life. I gave up at everything worth living for."
I was confused. I mean, it was bad enough that Nii-sama was actually talking this much about himself but it was even worse that I had no idea what he was trying to explain to me.
"What does this have to do with me?"
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
He turned to me, his eyes locking with mine again. As he spoke his next words, he held my gaze. "It has everything to do with you, Rukia," he replied.
Oh, baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
"You lost the person that meant the most to you. You look just as I did so many years ago. You can't let yourself end up like me. I'm not someone to look up to."
Oh, now I'll never know
I was still confused, even as he said to not do something I had been doing ever since I met him.
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
"My parents didn't want me to be lonely," he whispered. "Hisana would have never wanted this for me. They would want me to move on with my life and find someone who made me happy. They would still want me to be the rebellious teenager or, the 'spunky' man, as your sister called me once."
He was smiling at the memory.
Then he became serious again. "You mustn't lock yourself up, Rukia," he told me. "You are not alone in this, realize that. Ichigo may be gone, but his memory will never be forgotten."
This is just a dream
And suddenly, I understood what Nii-sama was trying to tell me. He was telling me in his own way that he was there for me and that I didn't have to suffer alone.
Oh, this is just a dream
"It was not your fault Ichigo died. He died because he was fighting for something he strongly believed in. He died because he was protecting the people he loved. He died because he did not want to see his comrades fall."
His eyes met mine again.
"And because he didn't want to lose anyone … especially you."
Just a dream
And tears spilled over. I cried out, interrupting this whole service. Isshin, who was telling a small testimony on the stage next to his son's coffin, stopped mid-sentence to look down at me.
I leaned up against Nii-sama because I needed support if I was going to make it through even the next minutes. His boy stiffened momentarily before he relaxed and wrapped one arm awkwardly around my shoulders.
My tears soaked through the black jacket he was wearing. Isshin watched me and then slowly walked down from the stage, his speech yet to be delivered, and sand to his knees beside me. Wiping the tears that fell down his cheeks, he rested a palm on my knee and smiled sadly.
Yuzu and Karin joined us next. The former sat to my left and wrapped her arms around my torso and buried her face into my hair while the later rested her hand on my unoccupied knee.
If anymore joined into our embrace, I didn't know. I was too busy letting go all the feelings that I had denied to be true. Tears came out like rainstorms. I would try to calm myself down but then I would picture his smiling face and the emotions would come rushing back.
I wished that I was still in denial. If I was, everything that was happening would be just a dream. Nothing would be real. I would wake up and push open my closet door and watch Ichigo sleep until his father came crashing through the ceiling.
But this wasn't a dream.
It wasn't even a nightmare.
It was something much worse. Everything that was happening was not something that I could wake up from. It was something I had to live with every single day for the rest of my existence. The pain, the suffering, the horrible yearning to feel him, to touch him, to just see him one last time, was not something that would go away if I just woke up.
This was reality.
And there was no escaping it.
And, for now, as I sat with the people I had come to love, I didn't exactly know how long it would take before I could finally look any of them in the eye again. I didn't know how long it would take for me to smile at one of Isshin's jokes or thank Yuzu for her wonderful meals or even agree with Karin and one of her sarcastic remarks.
Or even to just stop crying.
But for now, I didn't have to worry about anything that was going to happen in the future. For now, I was still going to believe that reality did not exist. And as I sat there, crying for him, I tried so desperately to believe that this horrible tragedy was nothing more than just a dream.