Disclaimer: I did not create Haruhi Suzumiya. In fact, while it's not 100 percent certain, there's a good possibility that Haruhi Suzumiya created me. How's that for a twist, huh?
The Madness Begins (already, yeah).
You know the one good thing about sitting in front of Haruhi Suzumiya?
That's ok. I don't either. Aside from the occasional conversations I actually enjoy being a part of and… how should I put this… the 'face value' of the situation, it is, quite honestly, one of the most trying ordeals of my life. For example…
"Kyon!" Haruhi poked Kyon in the back with a pencil, while Kyon hunched over his test. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke.
"What?" he whispered back, trying not to yell at/throttle Haruhi.
"Do you think Mikuru would look better as a Valkyrie or an exotic dancer?"
Kyon thought about it for a minute, then laid his pencil down. (Sob). How am I supposed to concentrate with that in my head?
And yes, before you ask, I did fail. Miserably. Not only does she pull stunts like that, but I've also endured more physical torture than the average masochist can handle. Indian rug burns, swift kicks in the back of the legs, mild concussions… that's all pretty standard stuff where I sit. Yup. Needless to say, I hardly expected today to be any different, particularly since yesterday's 'announcement'.
"Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke.
(Sigh). "Well, go on, I can't help but hear you." He grumbled.
"So? Have you thought about your resolution yet?" she asked excitedly.
Well, I suppose the shortest distance between two points is a straight line… Actually, I don't think that analogy made any sense. Whatever. "I've been meaning to talk to you about that, actually." He replied. All right. You can do this. Take a deep breath, and tell her how idiotic this whole thing is. Do it! Do it now!
"Yeah? So? What is it?" she demanded with a stern look on her face.
Kyon opened his mouth, but an image of Haruhi yelling 'punishment!' flashed across his mind. "I'm still working on it," he muttered. I don't want to die.
"Don't tell me you can't think of anything?" Haruhi replied, shocked. "There's got to be a million things! You could stop slumping, you could annunciate instead of mumbling under your breath all the time, you could grow a mullet, you could treat me like a queen, you could…"
As I listened to Haruhi name each and every one of my faults, two things crossed my mind. 1) Perhaps the reason I was 'chosen' by Haruhi, if I actually chose to believe Koizumi of course, was that I had so many undesirable traits (from Haruhi's point of view) that 'correcting' them all would entertain her for years on end. 2). There's one extra student in class today, and why does she look so familiar?
Kyon's jaw dropped, as what he was seeing registered in his mind. "N-Nagato?" he stuttered.
The humanoid interface turned at the sound of his voice and nodded slightly. "Kyon. Good morning." She said.
Haruhi stopped rambling. "Eh? Nagato? What are you doing here?"
Nagato rose from her desk and walked over to Kyon and Haruhi. "Administrative actions beyond my control have caused me to switch over to this homeroom." The corners of her mouth turned upward slightly, almost forming a smile. "I believe it will be an interesting experience, don't you?"
Kyon sat with his mouth open. She spoke… with feeling. Kind of. Don't tell me… she's actually going along with this scheme?
Haruhi smiled broadly, and she let out a loud shout of joy. "Way to go Nagato! For being the first SOS Brigade member to achieve a tangible character change, I'm promoting you to SOS Brigade vice-vice chief! Congratulations!"
I am not jealous.
Nagato gave a small nod. "I thank you." She returned to her seat and, to Kyon's surprise, gave a small 'hello' to the boy sitting behind her.
What the… What the heck is going on here?
"You could also stop keeping all your thoughts to yourself" Haruhi said with another poke, before continuing her list of Kyon's personality flaws.
Sigh. When did the Aztecs say the world would end again?
"December 24th, 2012" Haruhi said out of the blue.
I wish she wouldn't do that…
Anyway, while Nagato's change weirded me out a little, it wasn't really all that shocking once I thought about it. I had already noticed her becoming more social as time passed, why shouldn't she use Haruhi's scheme to her advantage? No, the true trip to the Twilight Zone happened during lunch.
"Kyon" said a certain smiling esper. "A word, if you would?"
Kyon sighed. Let's see… listen to Koizumi belabor about something uninteresting and nonsensical, or listen to Haruhi rail on me about my personality flaws… wow! Koizumi, you actually win this one! Nice job! "Fine" he grunted. They took their lunches to a table outside.
"First of all" Koizumi said with an emotionless smile. "I'd like to tell you that I'm a bit upset about your comment yesterday." He shook his head and sighed. "Then again, I suppose when I think about it, you're right. I suppose I do come off as a bit fake."
Good gravy, not you too! "So what, you're trying to change by putting your feelings into words while staying the same on the outside?" Kyon asked caustically.
Koizumi's smile broadened. "That's very perceptive of you; yes, I think that if I'm going to transition to a non-stoic lifestyle, I should do it slowly in case Ms. Suzumiya begins to dislike it." He leaned forward and took a sip of coffee (A/N: I… just see Koizumi carrying coffee in his lunch thermos, that's all). "That's actually why I want to talk to you."
"Eh?" Kyon asked, raising an eyebrow.
"You see, whether I show it or not…" he took another sip. "I value your opinion higher than most of the other people I know, even the bigwigs of the Organization." He tapped the side of his thermos. "I'd like to know how gradual a change I should aim for. Should I maybe stay like this for a week, and then become more spontaneous per week? Perhaps I should judge it by month? By day? Or perhaps I should judge based on Ms. Suzumiya's stability." He looked Kyon in the eye, still smiling emptily. "I'd really like to know what you think."
I think you're crazy. Then again, you're actually being sincere for once in your life, so I suppose I should encourage this… "Well, it depends…" Kyon said as he mulled it over. "It depends on what you're end goal is, I suppose. How much emotion do you want to show?" I can't believe I'm actually having this conversation! I'm not a 'sensey!'
"Well…" Koizumi said, lost in thought. Finally, he pointed towards a window showing the inside of the school. "You see that girl over there?"
Kyon glanced over. "Yeah…" Kyon ventured. "We see her everyday, that's Nagato."
"I love her." The gravity of the statement, combined with the fact that it was said in such a simple, unemotional tone caused Kyon to fall out of his chair and skid across the ground.
Whaaaat? WHAT did you just say? "Beg… pardon?" he asked as he picked himself up.
"I love her," Koizumi stated again. Kyon had braced himself this time, and only felt a slight jab in the stomach. "But because of the way Ms. Suzumiya wants me to be, and wants her to be, for that matter, I can't do anything about it." His smile faded, but only slightly, as he gave an overdramatic sigh. "I sit in the clubroom, day in and day out, just wishing there was someway I could open up to her… without endangering the universe, of course." He looked at Kyon again. "I want… to be able to express that. As if I really meant it, because I do."
Kyon blinked, and was silent for a minute. Koizumi… "Well…" Kyon mused, choosing his words carefully. "I suppose you could always tell her this without Haruhi knowing." He nodded. "Yes! What Haruhi doesn't know won't destroy the world, and I've got a sneaking suspicion that Nagato won't mind if you're a bit unemotional at first." He flashed a smile. "I mean… she doesn't really have room to talk, does she?"
Koizumi's smile widened, but in a fake way. "I'm grateful that you're actually willing to help, but… I'd already thought of that, you see…" his voice trailed off, and as Kyon looked at Koizumi head on, it seemed that the esper was putting a bit more effort into maintaining his fake smile.
"So then…" Kyon ventured. "What… seems to be the problem?"
"Em…" Koizumi said, letting out a soft chuckle.
I don't get it. If he knows that he can do it successfully and get away with it… I mean, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line… again, I have no idea if that worked or not, but I mean…A thought struck Kyon, and he made a strange half amused, half shocked face. No. Koizumi? Surely not… "You're…" he stuttered. "You're not scared that she'll turn you down, are you?"
Koizumi gave an overdramatic sigh and gesture, but Kyon still noticed that his smile faded substantially. "What can I say? Bob Vila couldn't hit the nail on the head more perfectly."
That's the kind of allusion I usually say! Am I off today or something?
"You seem dazed," Koizumi noted.
"Sorry" Kyon apologized. That's new. I apologize to Koizumi now? "It's just, I can't really see you being scared of anything… actually, come to think of it, I can't picture you loving anyone either."
Koizumi nodded. "Then I suppose my endeavors have been successful thus far. Perhaps too successful…" He lowered his voice slightly. "Ms. Suzumiya would kill me if she heard me say this but… I just want to be normal."
Kyon sat silent for a minute, thinking over everything that had just happened. "I'll think of something," he said finally, getting up to return to class. "Just… do me one favor, alright?"
"Sure" Koizumi chuckled.
"Don't write your feelings down and have me recite them passionately… you remember what happened last time."
Koizumi's smile broadened wider that it had been all day. "I won't make any promises." He got up, gave Kyon a friendly wave, and left.
Kyon glanced back towards the window where Nagato was still sitting. She was sitting at the end of a table full of girls, eating slowly and nodding her head slightly when addressed. Kyon shook his head. Koizumi… As much as I hate to admit it, I somewhat liked the way you were… He shrugged, and began walking. And Nagato… You won't change too much, will you? And Ms. Asahina… Kyon stopped. Huh, I'd like to see how she changes… urk! I mean, how she… oh forget it, it's true both ways anyway.
What? A Koizagato? Is that how they abbreviate it? Nagumi? Espalien? Oh, who cares anyway? Yes, for some reason that just seems right to me. Anywho, I actually know where the story is going now! Whoohoo! Go Amaxing!