Disclaimer: Due to the erratic nature of life, the universe, and everything, the recent absence of updates to this story has been unforeseeable, uncontrollable, and un-amaxing. All attempts to become the rightful owner of Haruhi Suzumiya during this time period have, regrettably, failed.
And now, on to the story.
One heck of a crazy, insane, out-of-control, digitally remastered, stereophonic day (Now In Color!)
Or
Oh Koizumi, you say the darndest things!
The events that unfurled next were so unforeseeable, uncontrollable and un-amaxing that it's taken me a good month or so to collect my thoughts, get everything straight, and finally come up with a witty way of narrating them.
Looking back, it probably wasn't as insane as some of the other stuff I've gone through, but it's at least in my top ten… or my bottom five… or my left side seven. Upon reflection, it definitely doesn't make my right side three, but I could be counting wrong. Carry the two… multiply by five… subtract three and a half…
You'll notice that just building up to the events of that day cause me to become indecipherable, and I'll admit things have never quite been the same since. If things had already gone from bad to worse in the beginning of the day, it went from worse to kill me now in the afternoon, and the day after… well, I don't even want to talk about that now. Foreshadowing.
And the Emmy for most confusing opening goes to… Kyon. Congratulations, me.
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Naturally, the first place we checked was the square. Call it a hunch, but I just couldn't help but lead our group of four there. And sure enough, there, lying on the concrete was a young girl with green hair, curled up in a fetal position.
"Emiri?" I asked, surprised, despite the fact that I had kind of suspected something like this to happen.
"Eh… Kyon?" the girl asked. "What are you doing here? No wait…" She stood up, shaking her head. "This is a public square… there's no reason you shouldn't be here, it's just…"
"Did you happen to see someone who doesn't look like he's from around here?" Koizumi asked, rudely interrupting her in a way that made him seem completely polite. Koizumi… a contradiction wrapped in an enigma shrouded in a paradox… is that how it goes?
"Oh!" Emiri said, suddenly trembling. "This man just ran by… he was carrying an axe, and he tried to slice me with it!"
"An axe murderer?" Haruhi squealed in delight. "Now this is a job for the SOS brigade! We'll have to set up a base, find out his pattern, set up an elaborate trap for him, and hire a good press agent!"
"A press agent?!?!?" I asked, too surprised to realize that I was only feeding the fire.
"Of course! Someone has to publicize the face of the super-genius SOS leader who foiled an evil killer's plans!"
"But what about Kyon's cousin?" Koizumi asked, making an overdramatic gesture with his hands. "Don't you think we should find him first, and then the axe murderer?"
"No way! Finding an axe murderer is much more exciting than finding Kyon's cousin! He's probably really boring anyway, I mean just look at who he's related to!"
"They're the same person!" I screamed, clearly not in my right mind. The other four stared at me. Nagato was emotionless as usual, Koizumi, despite his smile, had a certain 'good Haruhi, you just blew it' expression, Haruhi wore a sort of rapt, wondrous expression and Emiri's eyes began to tear up."
"Kyon? Your cousin… is an axe murderer?" Emiri said softly.
"Kyon! Your cousin is an axe murderer?" Haruhi yelled excitedly.
"NO! That's not what I…" Actually, come to think of it, that's exactly what I said. "He… does reenactments." There was a brief silence. Wow… THAT WAS REALLY GOOD! With such skill at quick lying, I could become a politician!
"Oh!" Emiri said, breathing a sigh of relief.
"Oh…" Haruhi said, disappointed. "Well then… I guess we'll just look for Atlas…" She muttered to herself, and then pulled out five straws from her pocket. "Emiri! You're going to help us, ok? Draw a straw!"
We drew straws. The pairings eventually ended up Haruhi, Emiri, and I in a group of three, and Koizumi and Nagato alone. And while I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that what I'd been trying to set up had conveniently happened on its own, looking back… Nagato can force groupings to happen right?
Either way, at the end of the day, when Koizumi and Nagato walked up to us hand in hand, with Attila in tow, I think I had more than enough grounds to be suspicious.
"We walked in silence for about an hour and a half," Koizumi explained to me. "And I'm not ashamed to say, I had practically given up on trying to start conversation myself. I was sort of hoping that something would happen on its own, you know?"
"Sure, I know where you're coming from" I said. Actually, no, I don't know where your coming from, but I'm too darn happy to disagree with you right now. Foreshadowing.
"Anyway" he continued, a genuine smile on his face, "eventually, we heard screaming coming from down the street. We ran quickly and what should we find but your cousin Atlas attacking our friend, the electronic store owner, who was defending himself quite handily with a brand new heating unit."
"Nagato approached the scene, completely calm and ravis… I mean, collected, and extends her hand to freeze time I suppose, when the axe cuts the heating unit in half, electric sparks fly everywhere and she gets struck right in the chest and down she goes."
"You can imagine how quickly I ran over there, felt her chest…" I (Kyon, for those of you a bit confused by the double use of pronouns) gave him an amused look. "For a heartbeat, you pervert!" He laughed. "Anyway, it never occurred to me that she might not have a heartbeat, so I immediately went into rescue breathing." He shook his head in a trademark, overdramatic gesture. "Turns out I was right to assume she did, because after I don't know how long… damn, it seemed like hours… she finally comes to with an enormous jolt. It scared the living daylights out of me, seeing as she actually sat up while I was in the middle of giving her a rescue breath. She drove her mouth right into mine…" He shivered. "As scared as I was, there was this little voice in the back of my head screaming Hell yeah!, you know what I mean?"
"I could have done without that" I commented. "Though I'm glad to see you can show some emotion these days." More so than I ever thought possible.
"I didn't quite understand what he was doing" Nagato continued, shocking me by speaking freely and in complete sentences. "The only lip to lip contact I had been briefed on before entering this biosphere was that of romantic inclination… so while Itsuki…" she smiled, another shocker, "while Itsuki was stuttering about CPR and rescue breathing techniques, I read his heat patterns and deciphered, to my surprise, the fact that he… well…"
"Loved you" Koizumi whispered.
"Yes…" Nagato blushed. "And I immediately told him that, as an interface for organic life forms, there would come a point in the future where I would most likely be either terminated or recalled, and that it would be best for his emotional state not to make an investment of any kind in any collaborative future for the two of us."
"To which I responded" he smiled. "I don't care." He shrugged overdramatically. "We stared at each other for a minute, and then… the rest is private, the two of you really don't need to know…" He furrowed his brow. "The… two of you?" He counted again. "Kyon, where's Haruhi?"
I shrugged. "The hell if I know."
"Kyon!" Koizumi said, showing a bit more anger than I ever thought possible. "It's your responsibility to…"
"Oh, not anymore" I explained calmly, gripping Emiri tightly. "You see, I finally figured out what my resolution is going to be." I stuck a finger in the air and said, quite formally. "I resolve not to put up with the ridiculous demands and antics of Haruhi Suzumiya from this day forth, as long as I both shall live." I smiled, feeling happier than I had for the longest time. "I've quit the SOS brigade." And I left them standing there stupefied, with Emiri clinging lovingly to my shoulder.
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Readers Reaction: WHA WHA WHAAAAAAT? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!??!?!?
Don't you get your clothes all frumpled up in a heap, the next chapter will have the narration for Kyon's group's day. Telling it this way if more fun!