Chapter 13: Conflict
Now my life was rendered… lifeless. You couldn't exactly call it a life anymore. The series was empty of all colors, and no longer was it black and white. It was just plain white. My life was paralyzed in fear. Time continued, as I remained still and unmoving.
But hey, how would you react if you found out that one of your friends was a vampire?
I was no longer sure if I missed Edward, or was relieved that he was gone. Part of him, after all, found the scent of my blood irresistible. And therefore, the war between heart and mind… No, the conflict between self-preservation and love…
Love… I flinched at the word. How could I even begin to comprehend the workings of my heart? Falling in love with a vampire? A frightening, impossible thought. It wouldn't –couldn't work. We couldn't be together if, all the while, Edward was resisting the urge to kill me and have my blood. I couldn't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for him.
And yet, it seemed –or I hoped –that he wanted to be around me. Part of me was thrilled at the possibility, but the rest of me was horrified –wishing with every fiber in my body that he would just stay away.
Did I want him around, or not? No, wrong question. Should I want him to stay? The answer was simple: No.
The four darkest years of my life were taking its toll on me. All those years of being forced into submission made me fickle, indecisive.
And so, once again, my heart was sent back into its sleeping state. Self-preservation won the war. The shell began to coagulate, and this time, I wasn't sure what could ever break it again. If it were Edward, his mallet wouldn't work this time. He would need a hundred bulldozers. And to think, I had finished a song for him.
Yes, those three words on top of the page no longer taunted me. They were no longer alone as three words. They were now a title. Inside Your Heaven was finally a song. I grabbed my guitar and played it for the first time.
I've been down, now I'm blessed
I felt a revelation coming 'round
Guess it's right, it's so amazing
Every time I see you, I'm alive
You're all I've got
You lift me up
The sun and the moonlight
All my dreams are in your eyes
And I wanna' be inside your heaven, take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way
And I wanna' be the earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathin' in, a soothin' wind
I wanna' be inside your heaven
When we touch, when we love
The stars light up, the wrong becomes undone
Naturally, my soul surrenders
The sun and the moonlight
All my dreams are in your eyes
And I wanna' be inside your heaven, take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way
And I wanna' be the earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathin' in, a soothin' wind
I wanna' be inside your heaven
When minutes turn to days and years
If mountains fall, I'll still be here
Holding you until the day I die…
And I wanna' be inside your heaven, take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way…
Wanna' be inside…
Where the storm blows your way…
And I wanna' be inside your heaven, take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way
I wanna' be the earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathin' in, a soothin' wind
I wanna' be inside your heaven…
The wind outside was a gentle breeze, caressing my skin. The grass beneath me writhed in defeat as they could do nothing but helplessly bow down to the blustery weather. The sun above me shone mercilessly, flaunting its warmth –one that was insurmountable. The cloudless blue sky intensified the heat. The clothing that I wore to conceal my secrets were now a burden. I was nearly tempted to take off my sweater, revealing the scars on my arms and the cuts swirling around my wrist.
I laid my guitar beside me, upon the soft green bed of grass that covered all traces of brown. I lay down on the mat that I had placed.
Was I giving up on living again? No, not exactly. I wasn't giving up, but I had no desire to live. I would play the game, but act as more of a spectator for the other players. I would do nothing.
* * *
I woke up to the sound of Uncle Charlie's police cruiser. The back of his tires had hit the garage wall. I sat up,
"Uncle Charlie?" I was confused by the sudden darkness. I must have fallen asleep, I concluded. I got up, picked up my guitar, and ran back into the house.
"Hey, Bells," he greeted.
"Hey," I said unenthusiastically, "Sorry, dinner isn't ready yet. I fell asleep outside."
"It's OK," he smiled, "Why don't we order pizza tonight? You should take a break from all the cooking anyway."
"Thanks," I tried to smile, but the corners of my mouth merely twitched upward for a second. "I'll pay," I offered.
"Would I have to pay you back?" he joked.
"No," I said, getting the phone, "I've got more than enough to pay for it."
"By the way, how's the college fund coming along?" he asked.
"Great," I tried to sound enthusiastic, knowing that I wouldn't convince him, "I'm earning tons more since I moved to the park. It was all Ed-" I stopped myself.
"All what?"
"Nothing…" I dialed the number, waiting.
I ordered the pizza. In half an hour, it arrived. As promised, I paid for it. Then Uncle Charlie tried to get me to eat more than I usually did.
"Bella, it's unhealthy to be so thin," he remarked.
"Since when has pizza ever been healthy?" I countered.
"But you barely eat anything."
"That's because I get full."
"Two slices of pizza and you say you're already stuffed," he pointed out. Then the phone rang.
"I'll get it," I excused myself from the table. I picked up the phone, "Hello?"
"Hey, Bella. It's Jessica."
"Hey, Jess. What's up?"
"Just reminding you of our plans tomorrow. You're still going, right?"
"Of course," I said. I remembered Jessica asking me to go to Port Angeles with her to help pick dresses for the spring dance. Angela was going, too. "So, anything else?" I guessed. There must've been an underlying reason for her calling me.
"Mike asked me out!" she squealed.
"Oh, that's great!" I tried to sound happy for her. I remembered when Mike had originally planned to ask me out that day.
"Maybe we could go out to dinner…"
"Mike, I'm not sure that's the best idea…"
"Why not?"
"I think –and if you repeat this to anyone I will cheerfully beat you to death –that it would hurt Jessica's feelings."
"Jessica?"
"Really Mike, are you that blind? Anyway, I have to get to class."
So he finally realized it, huh? Good for him. I was glad that Jessica was happy.
"We're going tonight. He'll be here any minute."
"Well, good luck. I hope you have fun."
"Thanks, Bella. Bye!"
"Bye." Then she hung up. I returned the phone to the receiver and went back to the table.
"I think I'll eat a bit more," I decided to try and placate Uncle Charlie. He was only worried about my well-being.
"That's good," he seemed relieved.
* * *
I wore a blue long-sleeved shirt and jeans. I tried fixing my hair, but it was being utterly impossible, so I tied it into a ponytail.
Jessica and Angela picked me up from my house. Together, they led me on a journey across the line of shops along the sidewalk, in the town of Port Angeles. I paid very little attention to anything that was happening. Every so often, they would ask my opinion, and I would answer truthfully, but that was it.
Why was I so sad? The depression came back, but why? Even my nightmares were returning, and they certainly were not welcome. Was it just because of Edward?
Yes. It was because I realized that we could never be together. I was hopelessly in love with him, after all. Therefore, I guessed that it would be very depressing.
"Hey, guys?" I called.
"Yes, Bella?" Angela replied.
"I'll meet you at the restaurant later, okay?" I said, "I'm going to walk around for a little bit."
"OK," Angela smiled. And I was off.
I walked aimlessly through the streets of Port Angeles. I had some general knowledge of the place, since I had roamed around looking for a place to play my songs. But I allowed myself to wander, and then I got lost.
"Idiot!" I yelled at myself, followed by a string of profanities. Jessica and Angela would be worrying about me. I needed to get back somehow.
I came across a group of four men. I was about to ask them for directions, but I decided against it. They didn't look very… safe. I found myself shaking. Déjà vu.
"Hey there, gorgeous," one of the men looked at me with malicious eyes.
"Stay away from me," I warned, my voice shaky.
"Don't be like that, sugar," the man stepped closer. I flinched. Really, really bad case of déjà vu. I began to walk away from them, as fast as I could, and I heard them laughing.
I continued walking, not able to shake the feeling of being followed. Did I have to wander to the isolated part of the city? The string of profanities was being echoed in my mind.
I then heard some car horns, around the corner. I knew then that I would be out of harm's way as soon I was in sight of witnesses. I ran, too anxious to get to safety.
But then, as I passed the bend, I saw two of the men whom I encountered earlier. I found it a bit strange, though. Way behind them was civilization, but where were the two other men? I had a horrible feeling in my gut. I turned around, the two men not too far away from me.
They were herding me, and now I was trapped. It took everything I had not to fall apart by the seams. The memory was so clear as if it were yesterday. I had to get away, but I couldn't think clearly while I was trembling.
They came closer to me, and I felt even more trapped. I thought of a strategy, but wasn't sure if it was going to work. It was risky, but what else could I do?
"All right," I said loud enough for them to hear, "If you want me, then come and get me. But I swear, you'll regret it." I stopped quivering. No, I wasn't giving up without a fight. I wasn't going to let it end this way.
One of the men walked in front of me, and he seemed to be the leader. We stared each other down. I wasn't going to fold. I had to think about Uncle Charlie, after all. Not to mention what it would do to Aunt Cathy if I died right here and now.
"Go get her, Lonnie!" one of the men from behind shouted, and it was obvious that he was drunk.
The man in front of me turned around, and I took advantage of the distraction. I kicked him squarely in the crotch with all my strength. He screamed in pain and knelt down in front of me. Time to run.
Just then, some headlights shined in our direction. I turned to see a car headed toward us. The man named Lonnie got up and leapt out of the way as the car spun around in the direction it came from. This was unexpected, but I had to work with it. I ran to the car. The passenger door flew open and someone shouted,
"Get in!"
I immediately got in, slamming the door shut, and the driver floored it. I looked at him, and immediately knew who it was: Edward.
"Put on your seatbelt," he ordered. I obeyed. From almost getting kidnapped to being alone in the car with a vampire, I was scared out of my sanity. I was rendered speechless by absolute fear. I didn't know what was scarier: dealing with those men, or sitting where I was right now.
"A-are you okay?" I asked. I couldn't control the high-strung tone of my voice.
"No," he replied after a while. His eyes tightened.
He parked in an unused drive, near some trees. He remained still, and I was absolutely frightened. The memories were flooding back into my mind. They were so vivid that I could almost see nothing else.
"Bella?" I jumped when he suddenly asked.
I cleared my throat, "Y-yes?"
"Are you all right?" Hell no! I was shaking in my seat, trying to keep myself from bursting into tears. And I wasn't doing a very good job of it.
I felt a few tears escape my eyes, "I… I…" I broke out into a sob, and I couldn't control myself. My face fell into my hands.
"Distract me, please," he suddenly pleaded, closing his eyes, "Prattle on about something unimportant until I calm down."
I looked up at him. How in the world was I going to do that? Let me think… Boys like… violence? Well, Edward didn't really seem like the type, but it was the only thing I could think of. Then I remembered something at school that I didn't bother about before. Now that I thought about it, it really did bother me. A lot.
"I'm going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow," the threat didn't sound right. Not while my voice was shaking. It sounded more like I felt remorse for doing something. I tried solidifying my voice, and it worked, "And then I'm going to beat him to a bloody pulp and bury him out in the woods."
"Why?" he barked out.
"He's telling everyone that he's taking me to prom," remembering the gossip was not a very pleasant memory. I became angry, and the anger overtook my fear. "Either he's insane or he's trying to make up for almost killing me. In any case, I already have enough problems without Lauren glaring knives at me." Then I got into it, actually meaning what I was saying.
"Maybe I'll destroy his car. I'll rent a bat and take a slugger to both headlights. Then I'll get some rocks and throw them at his car windows. Then I'll get something sharp and puncture holes in all four tires." I realized how angry I was at him.
"I heard about that," he informed me.
"You did?" It was strange. It was as if all I could see was red now, "Well… beating him to a bloody pulp doesn't seem quite fitting, then. I'll tie him to a chair and then make cuts all over his body, then I'll pour vinegar over the fresh cuts…" I stopped. I remembered when I experienced that… I shivered at the memory. That particular torture caused the scars.
Edward sighed and opened his eyes.
"Better?" I asked, fear returning to my body.
"Not really," he answered.
"I could continue with the death threats if you want. I don't mind," I said, my voice becoming shaky again. I didn't want him to be upset. His eyes became black when he was upset, and I couldn't handle seeing that again. "What's wrong?" I whispered.
"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella," he stared out into the sky, "But it wouldn't be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those…" He took a deep breath, "At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself."
"Oh," was all I could say. I couldn't even begin to describe how I was feeling at that moment. Frightened, terrified, scared, afraid, fearful, petrified, shocked, alarmed, startled, worry, upset, panicky… If anyone could create a word that meant all those words put together, I would be using it right now.
Edward restarted the car and headed back towards town. And soon, we stopped. I didn't know where we were, I was still looking down.
Edward suddenly opened his door, and I jumped.
"W-what are you doing?" I asked, startled.
"I'm taking you to dinner." I froze. Was I going to die then and there? "Don't scream, don't scream, don't scream, don't scream, don't scream," I chanted to myself. Maybe he would get it over with as soon as possible. Then the door beside me opened.
"AHHH!" I jumped, cringing away from the door. I turned to see Edward holding out his hand. I looked behind him to see the restaurant that I was planning to meet Jessica and Angela in. I knew I should be asking him how he knew, but I didn't think it important.
"I'm not going to hurt you," Edward said, offering his hand. I unbuckled my seatbelt and held his hand. He hoisted me up with not much difficulty, setting me on my feet. "Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too," he ordered, "I don't think I could restrain myself if I ran into your other friends again." I turned to see Jessica and Angela about to walk past the corner.
I took half a step forward and called as loudly as possible, "Jess! Angela!" My voice sounded wrong again. It was more like I was calling for help. They turned around, and I raised my hand, waving it in the air to catch their attention.
They ran back to me then stopped. I guess they were surprised to see Edward standing right behind me.
"Where have you been?" Jessica demanded. I took a step back, still a little shaken.
"I-I got lost. And I ran into Edward…" I looked down. I definitely did not want to relive the account. I was already using every bit of strength I had left to stop myself from falling apart.
"Would it be all right if I joined you?" Edward suddenly asked. My eyes widened at the sound of his voice, startled. It seemed like anything would startle me right now.
"Er… sure," Jessica agreed.
"Um, actually, Bella, we already ate while we were waiting," Angela frowned, "Sorry."
"That's fine –I'm not hungry," I felt like if I put something in my stomach right now, I would vomit.
"I think you should eat something," Edward disagreed, talking to me now. I was startled again. I wasn't used to answering to voices from behind. I was startled when Edward spoke again, "Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight? That way you won't have to wait while she eats."
Was this a good sign? Sure, it showed that he was interested, but in which way? In the sense that he returned my feelings or that he wanted me for supper? If my heart could pop out of my chest, it would.
"Uh, no problem, I guess…" I felt Jessica's eyes on me as she said this. I took another step back, bumping into Edward.
"Oh, sorry," my voice sounded unusually small. I looked at him once, then forced my eyes back to the concrete.
"Okay," Angela said quickly, breaking the silence too abruptly. I flinched. "See you tomorrow, Bella… Edward." And as far as I knew, she and Jessica left. I wouldn't know because I was looking down.
I was going into shock. I guess I wasn't as brave as I thought I was. I took a deep breath and faced Edward, trying not to startle myself… or scream… or cry… or any combination of the 3.
"Honestly, I'm not hungry," I said. Again, my voice sounded unusually small. I was wondering if Edward had heard it or not.
"Humor me," he said. I guess he did hear me. Well, what was I supposed to expect from a vampire?
His hand was on my back, gently ushering me to the restaurant. He held the door open for me, and I went in without hesitation. I was being submissive tonight, and I couldn't help myself. The memories that I had been trying so hard to keep away were still lingering in my head, and they refused to get out.
I was still looking down when Edward and I walked to the podium where the hostess was.
"A table for two?" Edward's voice almost made me jump. This was getting very irritating.
"Oh, er, yes. Welcome to La Bella Italia. Please follow me," the hostess replied.
It was dizzying to keep looking down at the floor. I sighed as I changed my view, looking directly in front of me. The restaurant was very classy.
I was about to sit down when Edward shook his head. I wondered why. He pulled a bill from his back pocket,
"Perhaps something more private?" My eyes widened. Again came the conflict between self-preservation and love. But did I really have a choice with so many people around?
"Sure," the hostess said. I looked up at her, and she was actually very pretty. I wondered why Edward didn't show any preference or anything…
The hostess led us around a dividing wall and offered us a booth in a quiet corner of a restaurant… Where no one could hear, and no one could see… I expanded more energy to keep as quiet as possible, and it seemed more difficult with every passing second.
"How's this?" the hostess asked.
"Perfect," Edward told her. I grew extremely nervous now.
"Um… your server will be right out," the hostess said before leaving us. "Wait, come back!" I would've said, but I was still suffering from shock. I hated feeling like this. Weak, defenseless…
Edward pulled out a chair for me, and I sat down. Then he went to his seat, directly across. I guessed it was a safe distance. I slumped in my seat, looking down at the table, and I felt his eyes on me.
The silence was maddening.
"You really shouldn't do that to people," I said softly, "It's hardly fair." My voice wasn't as small as it was earlier, but it wasn't back to normal yet.
"Do what?" he asked innocently. I decided that looking at him wouldn't hurt. I faced him, finally,
"Dazzle them like that… She's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen…" He didn't answer, and I wanted to fill the silence, even if I had to talk to myself the whole night. "Oh, come on," I chided, "You have to know the effect you have on people."
"I dazzle people?"
"You haven't noticed?" I didn't care what subject we were talking about, as long as we were talking. "Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"
"Do I dazzle you?" he asked. How was I going to answer this? Lie again, or be honest?
"Sometimes…" I blushed. I think I wasn't in shock anymore.
"Hello," I nearly jumped when the waitress suddenly came. I guess I was still in shock after all. "What would you like?" she was focusing all her attention on Edward, which was fine by me. But Edward was staring at me. Then the waitress looked at me, too.
Speechless, again.
"Two cokes," Edward spoke for me. I wasn't thirsty, nor was I hungry. The waitress left, and Edward was still staring at me. Again, the silence was disturbing.
"What is it?" I asked, bothered by the staring. Both thrilled and frightened, I had mixed emotions in me.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"F-fine…" I lied.
"You don't look fine. You look pale," he commented.
"Well why don't you try and get yourself nearly attacked? See how you react," I raised my voice. Ah, my voice was finally back. But then I realized what I had done. I looked at him apologetically, but his expression seemed… amused. "Sorry…" I whispered.
"It's alright," he half-smiled, "I was actually waiting for you to go into shock."
"I think it's wearing off…" I lied again. I realized then that lying would not be effective if you were in shock… Deep in shock…
"Just the same," he told me, "I'll feel better when you have some sugar and food in you." Did he mean that it would be better for him if I had some food in me? Would I taste better? I stiffened at the thought. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing…" I shook my head weakly.
The hostess came back with the cokes and a basket of bread. Edward told her to attend to me, and so,
"What would you like?"
Well, if I was going to die, I might as well have a last meal. I glanced at the menu, "I'll have the mushroom ravioli, please." Again, my voice sounded all wrong.
"And you?" the waitress turned back to Edward.
"Nothing for me," Edward replied. Maybe he was saving his appetite. Well, I was already resigned to die, so why was I feeling sick? … Shock, again.
"Drink," he insisted when the waitress was gone. I did so, realizing that I really was thirsty. I finished the whole glass, and then Edward pushed his glass to me. I drank a little of it, then shuddered.
"Are you cold?" he asked.
"It's just the coke," I said, but continued shivering. I really was cold, but I didn't want him to have to worry about that.
"Don't you have a jacket?"
"Yes, but I didn't think I'd need it…" How pathetic of me. I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and I was still shivering. He must think of me as a frail, weak, unimportant human being.
Unexpectedly, he pulled of his jacket and handed it to me. That thwarted, and proved my guess, in a way. I blushed at the gesture, either way. I took it and put it on. Strangely, I still shuddered.
"Thank you," I said, not trying to smile anymore. I knew it was futile, anyway. I pushed the too-long sleeves to free my hands. I didn't mind the silence anymore, and I was sure that I wasn't in shock anymore, either.
"That color blue looks lovely on your skin," he complimented suddenly. I couldn't help but blush. Maybe vampires… liked… to… play… with their food? Although, I hardly see how dazzling their prey helps at all… Then he pushed the basket of bread towards me.
"Really," I objected, "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" he asked. I nodded. "This is more complicated than I'd planned," he murmured. I thoughtlessly took a breadstick and began eating it.
"Usually you're in a better mood when you're eyes are so light…" I said thoughtlessly. I was going to die anyway, so might as well let everything out of the closet.
"What?"
"You're always… crabbier, when you're eyes are black –I expect it then. I have a theory about that…" Then I looked to see that his eyes weren't black. No, they were light. That seemed a little off…
"More theories?"
"Mm-hmm," I took another bite from the breadstick.
"I hope you were more creative this time. Or are you stealing from comic books again?"
"For your information, Edward, the last time I didn't steal from a comic book… Well, not exactly."
"Explain," he demanded.
"I told you that that was the only theory I had, right?" I was surprised at how casual I was being about this. I guess the thoughts of death really changes a person, "Well, I lied. I had one more theory. And recently, I backed up that theory with evidence."
"And?" he seemed anxious. The waitress came back with my food. She asked Edward if he wanted anything, and he just asked for coke. When she left, "You were saying?"
"I'll tell you about it in the car," I said in a low voice, "If…"
"There are conditions?"
"I do have a few questions, of course."
"Of course," he agreed, his voice hard.
"Relax, Edward. You'll get what you want in the end anyway, so I should get something in return."
"What do you mean?" he seemed confused.
"You know what I mean," I accused.
"Well, go on then," he urged, jaw locked.
"Why are you in Port Angeles?" I asked.
"Next," he dismissed the question.
"But that's the easiest one!" I complained.
"Next," he said again, ignoring me. Stupid, unreliable vampire. I stuffed a mushroom in my mouth and washed it down with Coke.
"Okay then," I continued, "Let's say, hypothetically, of course, that… someone… could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know –with just a few exceptions."
"Just one exception," he corrected, "Hypothetically." I was glad that he was playing along.
"All right, with one exception, then. How does that work? What are the limitations? How would… that someone… find someone else at exactly the right time? How would he know that she was in trouble?"
"Hypothetically?"
"Sure."
"Well," he hesitated, "If… that someone…"
"Let's call him 'Joe,'" I suggested. Edward smiled. I felt like smiling, but knew that it wasn't going to happen.
"Joe, then," he agreed, "If Joe had been paying attention, the timing wouldn't have needed to be so exact. Only you could get into trouble in a town this small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know."
"We were speaking of a hypothetical case," I frowned. As if I wasn't frowning already…
"Yes, we were. Shall we call you 'Jane?'"
I leaned across the table, keeping my voice low, "How did you know? You can trust me."
"I don't know if I have a choice anymore," he murmured, "I was wrong –you're mush more observant than I gave you credit for."
"I thought you were always right," I teased.
"I used to be. I was wrong about you on one other thing as well. You're not a magnet for accidents –that's not a broad enough classification. You're a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you."
I frowned again, "And you put yourself into that category?" Of course he was in that category! He was a vampire!
"Unequivocally." "Duh, Bella!" I echoed his sentiment.
I suddenly felt an unusual urge to… touch him. Since I was going to die, I might as well get a chance at the experience. I reached across the table slowly, hoping he wouldn't mind. He moved his hands an inch away, but I ignored that. I brushed my fingertips lightly on the back of his hand.
"Thank you," I said, our eyes met. The corners of my mouth twitched upward for a moment, and I knew he would see it, "That's twice now." My fingers lingered on his hand. I didn't really mind the cold. It was somehow… relaxing.
"Let's not try for three, agreed?" he said casually. I nodded. He pulled his hands from underneath mine and hid them under the table.
In the moment where our eyes met, I could swear that all the fear melted. I could have sworn that nothing was left but trust. But I knew better. I wasn't ready to trust people yet. No, not yet.
"I followed you to Port Angeles," he suddenly said. I flinched. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes."
"Did you ever think that maybe my number was up that first time, with the van, and you've been interfering with fate?" I pondered.
"That wasn't the first time," he said, looking down at the table, "Your number was up the first time I met you. You remember?"
"Yes…"
"And yet here you sit."
"Yes, here I sit… because of you. Because somehow you knew how to find me today…?"
"You eat, I'll talk." I had forgotten about my food. I stuffed another mushroom in my mouth, anxious for his answer. "It's harder than it should be –keeping track of you," he told me, "Usually I can find someone very easily, once I've heard their mind before."
I felt my eyes widened. So that was what he meant when he told Carlisle that he couldn't hear me. I put another mushroom in my mouth, waiting for him to continue.
"I was keeping tabs on Jessica," he went on, "Not carefully –like I said, only you could find trouble in Port Angeles –and at first, I didn't notice when you took off on your own. Then, when I realized you weren't with her anymore, I went looking for you at the bookstore I saw in her head. I could tell that you hadn't gone in, and that you'd gone south… and I knew you would have to turn around soon. So I was just waiting for you, randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the street –to see if anyone noticed you so I would know where you were. I had no reason to be worried… but I was strangely anxious…"
This seemed off. Would he really go through that much trouble just to get his dinner? Was my blood really that irresistible to him? It didn't seem likely.
"I started driving in circles, still… listening. The sun was finally setting, and I was about to get out, and follow you on foot. And then-" His jaw clenched tight, and I was afraid of what he might've been thinking of.
"Then what?" I asked.
"I heard what they were thinking. I saw your face in their minds," he said through his teeth. He covered his face with his hands. "It was very… hard –you can't imagine how hard –for me to simply take you away, and leave them… alive," he whispered, "I could have let you go with Jessica and Angela, but I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them."
I was sitting at a table with someone who was more than capable of murder and getting away with it. And I had to admit, I was scared. I was wondering why I wasn't running away screaming yet.
"Are you ready to go home?" he asked suddenly.
This also seemed off. If he were intending to have my blood, he wouldn't have asked that. Maybe he was trying to take me by surprise. No, I wasn't going to allow that.
"I'm ready to go," I chose my words carefully. I would give him what he wanted with no trouble. I should have died a long time ago, and he would just right that.
Just then, the waitress returned.
"How are we doing?" she turned her attention to Edward, which, again, was fine by me.
"We're ready for the check, thank you," he told her. But his eyes were on me. Maybe he was excited. Maybe he was taking a final glance before he would do away with me.
"Sure," she stuttered, "Here you go." She handed Edward the folder with the bill. He gave the folder back at once, after slipping in the money.
"No change," he told her, standing up. I only then noticed that the waitress was also very pretty… Why wasn't he showing any interest?
I thought of new possibilities. My head was overflowed with them. It was only my nature: to analyze a situation in every aspect. I was lost in my thoughts.
Edward offered me his hand again, and I took it. We walked out, and I noticed that we were standing unusually close. So close that I could feel the cold temperature coming off his skin. He held the door open for me again, and I allowed it.
I was going to remember this as my last night. I didn't mind, though. Because tonight was… nice. Even if majority of the time I was in shock, it was nice.
But then Edward opened my door for me. I stopped, cocking my head to the side. Oh, maybe he would take me to a more isolated area. I shook my head and just got in, closing the door behind me.
Edward got in and began to drive, turning on the heater. I snuggled into his jacket, only noticing now that it had a scent. It smelled like… cologne… except, it was a million times better than cologne.
I closed my eyes, waiting for when he would stop the car and lead me out. When he would put his lips to the hollow base of my neck and then sink his teeth in. Just like the time with the van, I just waited.
"Now," he suddenly said. But the car hadn't stopped yet. "It's your turn."
"Huh?" I asked.
"Your theory."
"Oh, right." I wondered why I was so cool with it. "Can I ask just one more?"
"One," he sighed.
"Well… You said you knew I hadn't gone in the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that." He glared at the windshield. "I thought we were past all the evasiveness," I said, disappointed.
"Fine then," he said, "I followed your scent." That made a lot of sense. Well, since I was going to give him what he wanted, I might as well get as much as I could in return.
"And then you didn't answer one of my first questions…" I pointed out.
He frowned, "Which one?"
"How does it work –the mind reading thing?" I reminded, "Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family…?" I realized that I was asking more than one question. That was pushing my luck. I looked down, blushing.
"That's more than one," he said. I looked at him, waiting. "No, it's just me. And I can't hear anyone, anywhere. I have to be fairly close. The more familiar someone's… 'voice' is, the farther away I can hear them. But still, no more than a few miles. It's a little like being in a huge hall filled with people, everyone talking at once. It's just a hum –a buzzing of voices in the background. Until I focus on one voice, and then what they're thinking is clear. Most of the time I tune it all out –it can be very distracting. And then it seems easier to be normal when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than their words."
"Why do you think you can't hear me?" I wondered.
"I don't know," he admitted, "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thought are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM."
"My mind doesn't work right?" I was slightly offended, "I'm a freak?"
"I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that you're the freak," he laughed, "Don't worry, it's just a theory… Which brings us back to you."
I bit my lip. Oh, now I was worrying about telling him? Wasn't I so brave earlier?
"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" he asked quietly. Yes, we are. I'm just having a bit of trouble with my head. Then my eyes wandered onto the speed pedometer…
"Holy cow!" I gasped, "Slow down!"
"What's wrong?" he asked anxiously.
"You're going a hundred miles an hour!" I yelled.
"Relax, Bella." He rolled his eyes.
"Why are you in such a hurry? I'm already going to come quietly, damn it!"
"I always drive like this…" Confusion crossed his face. "Come quietly? What do you mean?"
"I'm not going to argue, I'm not going to fight back, I'm not going to try and run away, so this must be relatively easy for you," my voice was high-strung, "Now keep your eyes on the road!"
"Not until you explain," he threatened, meeting my gaze.
"My theory is that you and your family are vampires, and I thought you were going to end my life as of tonight. I mean, you did tell Carlisle that I smelled much better. So I thought that at some point you would be sinking your teeth into my skin and sucking me dry. I mean, that's part of the reason why I was panicking tonight!" The words came out in a fast, panicky mess, leaving me breathless afterwards. "So –can –you –please –watch –the –road!?" I said in between breaths, making sure to emphasize the last three words.
"What?" he asked.
"Please don't make me say it again," I breathed, "I know you heard me."
"I'm not slowing down until you do," he threatened again, "So say it again a bit slower."
I sighed, "Okay. When you first asked me about my theories, I lied. I was thinking that you were a vampire, but I wasn't sure. Then I became sure that you were a vampire this weekend. So then came the war between self-preservation and… friendship, and I became depressed again. And then when you saved me from those four guys I was debating which was scarier: dealing with those men or being alone in a car with a vampire. So then I thought that you were going to repay your debt to fate by killing me and having my very desirable blood. So the whole time I was waiting for it to be all over, hoping that you would make it quick and painless. And then came this whole theory about playing with your food… Never mind that one. Umm, and right now I was thinking that you were going to bring me to a desolate area where you could get down to business."
Then my tone became slightly upset, "But apparently you weren't planning on doing that! Either I just gave you an idea right now or I just showed how much of an idiot I am! Stupid, stupid, Bella, will you ever learn?"
I became really angry at myself, "Edward, drive as fast as you can! Because I'm going to jump off this car and kill myself!"
"I won't let you do that," he said, already slowing down. I slumped down my seat. I was utterly exhausted at the moment. But who wouldn't be? Edward seemed amused again.
"What?" I demanded.
"At least now you're reacting like a normal human should. But I don't see how you ever thought that I was going to suck your blood tonight," he fought back his laughter.
"So I'm wrong?" I breathed.
"No, you're right. But think about it, Bella. Why would I save your life if I was just going to take it away later on?"
"I see your point."
And suddenly the car stopped. I guess he didn't really slow down that much, anyway. I began to take of his jacket.
"You can keep it," he said, "You don't have a jacket for tomorrow."
"I don't want to have to explain to Uncle Charlie…"
"Oh. Right."
"I'll see you tomorrow, right?"
"Yes. I'll save you a seat for lunch."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
I began to get out of the car when…
"Bella?"
"Yes?"
"Sleep well," he whispered. I got out of the car and watched him drive away again. Then I realized something.
Now that I knew that he wasn't going to take my life anytime soon… There was only one explanation I could think of…
He was pursuing me. Again was I thrilled and terrified at the thought.
Once again, Edward somehow managed to make a crack in the shell that encrusted my heart.
But as of right now, it was only a tiny crack.