I actually don't have a plan for this fic, unlike my other ones. I actually need a lot (A LOT) more reviews for this one! Unlike 'I Got to Get You Into My Life' and 'An Amusing Stew' I will stop this one if I don't get enough reviews.
Review! I do NOT own Death Note!
It's been three days since that evening when Mello had an actual conversation with me, and now all I think of is my electives next year. Being in the same class as Mello made me unusually warm and happy, something I don't feel that often. Actually, I rarely ever feel truly glad or entertained about anything. My whole mind is set on Mello and yet somehow my grades are actually better and my final grade of 98.9 has reached to a whopping 99.9, which pleased L, when he found this out. I almost felt guilty that I didn't even try at all, and I was number one while Mello studied every day and still came in second. Was it even possible that I was a human boy? People (and by 'people' I mean Mello) would call me robotic among other things and I can understand why.
I haven't cried in at least two years, maybe even more. I rarely eat anything, and my brain functions in a way that actually scares me a little. When I think I feel something in my head grab a file from the back of my head and I know all of a sudden. And if I don't know the answer I guess, but they always turn out right. I was starting to think I was just an object to everybody that was made by my father for sex and to use as a punching bag. I tried to ignore these thoughts that made me feel miserable, but I couldn't ignore the facts. I was meant to be a tool that would go forth in life unloved and lonely.
Actually, I don't mind being lonely, used, or unloved. If Mello is alive I'm not lonely, if Mello is the one using me then I don't mind, and if Mello doesn't love me that means he knows I exist, which is good enough for me. I don't know why I have such strong feelings toward him though. He was rude, loud, competitive, and loathed me. Why do I love him so much?
There I go again using that word. 'Love'. You can say it all you want, but if you don't show it, it's not true. Ate my feeling for Mello not true then? No. I think by now I would've noticed that I was just fantasizing instead of actually having feelings for him. So I do love him? I'm confusing myself….
Mrs. Wilson shuffled papers and asked me to go to her desk. I nodded and stood before her, wondering what she would need me for. As she wrapped her orange-red hair in a bun, she fixed her reading glasses and said, "You know that test we had last Friday? Every class took it?" I nodded. I didn't know what she could be talking about unless….I knew. "Mello scored how high?" Mrs. Wilson's green eyes widened in surprise at the fact that I already knew and she said, "You earned a 98 and Mello received a 99? This is actually strange to ask, but are you okay? Has something been going on?" I shook my head as I examined the miracle paper. Mello got ahead of me somehow…he wouldn't be mad at me. I wanted to smile, but I didn't.
"Okay. I'm not saying I'm upset that he scored higher, but this has never happened before so…" she put a stamp on my paper that had a smiley face. "Try harder next time." I replied with a barley audible 'okay' and left, almost searching the halls for Mello. He probably heard the news and was over joyed. Who knows what that would be like?
I looked up and down the halls until I caught a glimpse of blond hair and walked toward it. What I saw was a big smile in the blonds face, him looking at his paper and Matt looking at it too, sitting between his legs. I wanted to be between those legs. Anyway, I walked by casually, as if I didn't know he was there and just as I suspected, he stopped me and said cheerfully, "Hey Near! Did ya hear the news?" I stopped and twirled a hair.
"Yes, I did actually. I must say, I'm very pleased actually and I feel happy for you." After that, all activity stopped. Dead silence. Mello and Matt looked shocked, as if I wasn't allowed to say that I was proud of Mello, much less be happy for someone. "What?" I asked. Mello just gawked at me. Matt looked up a little. "I think he's serious, mate." My mind wondered at what Matt just said. Mate? He was British, not Australian.
"Near," Mello looked deep into my eyes. "Are you sick today?" The question burned my mind, mostly because of the tone he had said it in. My hand consciously went up to twirl a piece of hair while I turned away to walk off. "Never mind. I shouldn't have said anything." After a few steps away from the blond and his friend, I felt a strong hand grab me, pulling me back. I almost yelped at the sudden contact and wanted the hand to move away from my shoulder, before I was too scared. "Mello, please don't touch me." Even though I didn't look up to him, I could feel his face twisting in anger at me and then his grip grew tighter, almost causing me to whine. I didn't know if he would ever let go, but I couldn't tell if I wanted him to leave or stay with me. The warm hand was almost terrifying and…comforting at the same time.
"I thank you for the 'complement', but I don't need it from the likes of you." And with that he used his strength to shove me away. Reluctantly, I started to walk up to my room and could hear what I believed to be Matt say, "Damn Mel, that was a little harsh.
I entered the room that was spotless and had a faint flower smell to it. It was so quiet and lonely that sometimes I thought that I was the only one living in the orphanage because it was as if my walls blocked out all sound. I put my book and paper on my small desk and sat down on my bed, getting ready to watch another movie I had found that was titled The Notebook. I kept wondering who was the one just leaving all these movies out in the hall, but they kept me company, so I didn't complain.
The movie was okay and it had some parts I found…uncomfortable, but it was sweet. It wasn't as good as the Lost Boys though. The only part I truly thought was beautiful and made me think was the very end. It would be very sad, not knowing that the person that was standing right next to you was the love of your life a few minutes ago. It would be even worse to only remember that you married them for five minutes, only to go back and start to scream at them. But to some people that would be love, wouldn't it?
The movie was done at exactly 8:49; so sadly, I had time to spare…that meant another hour or two alone. No entertainment. No friends. No Mello. It was hell. 'I don't want to think anymore, that's all I ever do!' I thought. It was strange, but I couldn't help but feel jealous for all the kids here. They all lost their family, but they had friends and weren't beaten or offended anymore. To the average person they would see them as completely normal children, until they looked deeper and deeper into their background. Kids here, I recently found out, have seen their parents killed, severed to pieces, and sick. Not only that, but all of them have most likely been to a foster home with strange people. I know that Matt did, and that's a fact. Roger slipped it out by accident while he was telling me how lucky I was.
'You were sent here automatically, so you don't know what other foster places do or what goes on there. Why Matt went to one and an older boy s-" and he stopped there, thank god. His past had nothing to do with me, if anyone Mello.
'There I go again…thinking!' I felt so angry and yet sad. I went over to my mirror to see if there was a change in my features, but as always there wasn't. Not even a furrowed brow. Nothing. I don't get it! I'm steaming, but for some reason I can't…I put my fingers to the corners of my mouth and pulled down, forcing myself to frown. It hurt a lot because I wasn't used to it and I automatically let go. As I kept poking my face in search of emotion, I realized that if I, the person who has control over my feelings, my actions, and my appearance couldn't get any emotion from myself, then how in the world could Mello? He couldn't, that was the problem. It was obvious that he had been trying to get me to feel human, to feel inferior like him, but I wasn't…emotional. You would have to put a gun to my head to make me shiver.
I felt like a freak.
This was supposed to be short, I'm sorry. But this was just so ya'll could know what Near thinks of and the problems with emotion…Review!