-Flashback-

6 months earlier…

"ASHLEY!"

Why is she screaming at me at…looking over at the clock on the bedside table…at 6am? Grmmph….

"Macy, I'm only asking you one more time…why in the hell do you think it's okay to get out of bed HOURS before the rest of the world even thinks about waking up?" You would think she would at least leave me to slumber a little longer

"Ashleeeeey…we talked about this last night. You promised you would get up early and we would go get breakfast at that little diner we saw along the Pacific Coast Highway," Macy whined. "Why is it that every time we plan to do something you conveniently forget?"

I could see the disappointment spread across her face like leaves covering the ground in the fall. I wish she could just see me for who I am…a screw up

"Who says I forgot, Macy?"

I mean, I really hadn't totally forgotten my promise. I just knew the pounding in my head wouldn't subside for at least another hour…besides, who can eat at 6am?!

"Who eats at 6am anyway?"

"I just thought we could enjoy the sunrise over the ocean before we go," she shrugged, then her shoulders slumped down as she suddenly found something on the floor beneath her feet very interesting.

As she raised her eyes to meet my gaze, I saw an empty regret lingering amongst her emerald eyes. I hate myself for causing this…but it's who I am. She knew that when she met me, so I shouldn't feel all this guilt right? Right?!

"Do you love me, Ashley? I mean, truly love me? Because, anymore, I'm starting to believe that you love your life away from me more than the life I thought we'd built." And there it was…after an entire year together, she finally sees the truth that is Ashley Davies.

"Macy…"

"No, I mean, really. It's starting to make sense now. You wake up in a haze 85 of the time anymore, and I can't even remember the last time you just wrapped your arms around my waist to kiss me and tell me you love me. It's like you don't even breathe around me anymore. You just…exist."

Wow, I just exist? That's a little harsh if I do say so myself. I mean, I know that I haven't been the best girlfriend, but I do try…sometimes.

"Macy, why do we have to do this now? All because I didn't wake up at 6 o'fucking clock for us to go have breakfast at some shithole diner? That makes no sense to me?"

"No, Ash, what doesn't make sense is that I continue to give you every ounce of love that is in me and you freely take it without giving me a single bit in return. I'm not asking for the world, Ashley, I'm just asking...,"

"What Macy?! You're just asking what?"

"I'm just asking for…for you to put me first for once. Skip one show, stay home one night, just be with me…is that so hard for you to do?"

I don't know when she got so close, but I could feel her breath on the side of my face as she pleaded with me to just be with her. What does that even mean?

"Please, Ashley…just hold me and tell me that you love me, and that I'm just being silly, and that you do want this as much as me…please, baby…tell me…" and in that second, I knew I couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear any longer.

Her pain was so obvious. The longing in her touch, the tears that found their way from her cheek to mine. I could no longer give her what she needed, and it was a reality I never wanted to face…until now… when I knew I had no other choice.

Placing my hands around her upper arms, I slowly pushed her away from me. I could see the confusion and hurt in her face. She knew it was coming. She was slowly shaking her head in disbelief.

"Macy…I…I just can't give up everything that is me. The music, and everything that comes with it…it's who I am. You know that! And you can't point fingers at the drugs and drinking, you are the one that told me to 'Take the edge off,' remember? It works for me, too." I tried to wipe away a tear from her cheek, but she shrugged me away. I just wanted to feel her skin under my fingertips one more time. An entire year of touching her, kissing her, and it was all coming to an end at this very moment.

She leaned over and pressed her lips so lightly against mine. I could feel her breath on my lips and I could taste the salt from her tears. She pulled away from me, stood up from my bed, and turned to walk away. She stopped at the door, with her hand on the knob ready to go, she slightly turned her body to make eye contact one more time.

"I love you, Ashley. No matter how much you hate yourself, I always loved you enough for the both of us. I wish you had just loved me a little in return."

And with that…she was gone.

-End Flashback-

I should have known then that my life was spiraling out of control. I guess it's hard to see when you can't remember your own name half the time.

Macy put up with a lot…but fuck her. I wouldn't be in the place I'm in now if she hadn't insisted that "taking the edge off makes you play better." All I did was love that girl, everything I did was for her. I should have never given in to her, in turn giving up on myself. I know she didn't mean for this to happen, but damnit, she didn't try to discourage my using either.

I have to move forward. She and I will never be together again. Even when I walk out these doors, I can't go back to anything that even remotely reminds me of the numbing agents in which I find so much comfort.

I can never go back, but I'm not sure how to move forward either. It's all so push and pull in my mind.

It's her fault. It's my fault. It was inevitable. I could have prevented this. I'm worthless. I'm talented. I'm unloved…but I want nothing more…than to be loved.

I'm going to fail.

I can beat this.